Husband thinks my friends are his

[WiggyClawsThe2nd]

Couldn't work out what title to put on this as really bizarre question. Was having a disagreement with my husband and went off to chat to my friend on the phone. He wanted to know why, so I said I wanted some feedback and advice from her. He really didn't like this and said that he would do the same, with MY best friend. I pointed out that that wasn't appropriate as she is my friend not his. He thinks he should be able to talk to my friend and tell her all the things he dislikes about me as that's "fair". To be honest, if he did call her she'd tell him to p**s off. He has no friends of his own as he just doesn't make the effort to maintain and cherish friendships. Am I being unreasonable to think that he has no right to assume that my friends are his? And that he is bang out of order to think that they would be at all interested in him lagging me off to them? For context most of my friendships span decades and he has no day to day contact with any of them.

Hugs op.
I feel so sad for your feeling so controlled. I can relate slightly .
I hope you escape xx

Well done OP. You are pushing back against his attempts to control you and control the narrative.

I would suggest though that you get better at grey rock. Try not to need him for anything, try not to ask him for anything. Avoid conflict as far as you are able without complying with his every whim.

Someone who doesn’t accept your right to autonomy, friends, time, an existence outside of what he graciously allows, is best avoided as far as possible.

line up those ducks, but gently does it in case he gets nasty.

That sounds like a very difficult situation for you OP,
But what you wanted to achieve was
"an hour to do some work on my profitable business"
You didn't get it because the waters were muddied with all kinds of other things.
Of course he should just have said, Of course you can have an hour..
Instead he started arguing that it was unreasonable and the discussion then became about whether you were unreasonable or not.

You were side tracked. Is that something that happens a lot.
Its easy to say, hard to do but you need to stick to your objective
DH : OP you are sooo unreasonable
OP: That may be but can you look after the DC for an hour.
DH: I suppose you will ring your friend and slag me off.
OP: Can you look after the DC for an hour.

Asking for 1 hour's care of the DC is not unreasonable. You know that. You don't have to justify that to anyone. You just have to keep repeating the request (politely) and if met with resistance you pursue them politely wanting to know why they cannot do it.

Throwing in my "profitable" business... is sidetracking yourself and bound to rile the other party. It may be satisfying to make that point but it leads you both away from what you wanted - which was an hour.
Going off to phone a friend - makes no difference at all. Just prolongs the argument whilst he waits around getting more annoyed before you come back

OP Well.. my friend says Im right
DH - Your friend is wrong too and I'm going to phone one of your friends now.
Which starts the argument onto a completely different tit-for-tat track and you STILL don't get what you want.

But overall it sounds like the real problem is that he's spent 4 years on a business that is not yet profitable, whilst you support the family financially and you want more support yourself. That sounds really hard. I think that some kind of counseling even you just go yourself so that you can get some RL advice on how to deal with this.

It's strange to see friends as if they are things you own.

If your friends aren't his friends, then when he calls them they just won't answer or will have a very brief/ polite conversation and then end the call.

It's not something I would be worried about.

Tbh it's a bit strange that either of you are getting friends involved when you are in the middle of disagreements/ arguments between the two of you.

If he isn't bringing in any money, does that mean he is living off you? He goes off to do his "business", which brings in no money, leaving you to also work and take care of the house and children?
I think, if he hasn't brought in money in four years, it isn't ever going to bring in money and he needs to go get a job with a paycheck.
If he isn't being the primary care-giver to the children and taking care of most of the housework etc., doesn't that make him a cocklodger?

Neither DH nor I talk about our relationship with anyone. I wouldn’t dream of talking about an argument we’ve had and certainly wouldn’t phone a friend for backup. Least of all right in the middle of the argument!

OP, you NEED to phone your friends in arguments like this - they will help you stay real and grounded.

But urgh you need to kick this sponger out. Why pay for him?

No, that is wise and intelligent of her friend.

Why should she bother to listen to a lazy, do-nothing, controlling, gaslighting asshole?

I find it odd that you seem to be supporting the husband. Hhhmmm...wonder why?

Tell him not to ring your friends to moan about you but to phone his mother for advice. I suspect you might find that disloyal

It DOESN'T MATTER
because she is NOT his friend.

Just stop, because you make zero sense, unless you are the lazy, do-nothing, controlling, gaslighting asshole who has come to MN so you can beat down your wife some more. You sure sound like it's possible.

Oh, I think he should call his mummy and tell her he is coming back home where his mummy, who raised this "prince" of a man loser, can pay his bills while he does his business "hobby". LOL!
He certainly isn't man enough to be a husband or a father.

You both sound a bit childish to be honest. Why would you need to call a friend to get her opinion as to whether you're in the right in the middle of a disagreement? I'm guessing he was making a point about that by saying he was going to call your other friend. Both of you should be able to resolve a simple disagreement without all the drama!

He has no friends and no social life so he is trying to herd you, coral you, whatever. He really needs to get a life.

You have a marital problem that won't be solved by talking to your friend.

Honestly amazed that anyone wants to be friends with either of you.

When I was breaking up with my abusive ex he found out I was posting online (not here) and said he would post as well because I was only giving one side of the story and if he put his across then nobody would encourage me to leave. He never did...

Mine did.
He ran slap bang into Anyfucker and the other lovely ladies on the Relationships board. Oh, it was joyous!

I'd say next time you have a row just talk to your friend, you don't need to tell him you are doing so. I think he was kind of being petty by saying that, he knew it was inappropriate and she would not even speak to him like that, it's more like he's jealous that you have friends. Which is childish and daft. Are there any friends of yours who he is actually close to? That could be considered to be "both' your friend? If so maybe invite them round and it might boost your husband and stop him feeling jealous. A lot of men struggle with their 'own' friendships. No idea why TBH other than because they are male? Haha.

People generally don't flounce off to slag off their partners in the middle of a fight, don't revel in their husband having no friends, don't use other people's opinions as back up to make one another feel bad. You sound like you hate him, maybe you've good reason to, but it's impossible to give reasonable advice here because you're coming across as an unreliable narrator. I do suggest leaving your poor friends alone though. Get a counsellor to help unpick the end of this relationship.

My ex boyfriend was like this. Constantly messaging my friends and then tried to get them on his side when we separated.

Love to see how my hubby would deal with Anyfucker 🤣

Cheers for this 😝

Jesus Christ are you an adult? Pathetic. Grow up.

Do you have problems with comprehension? Did you actually read all of OP's posts?

He basically told me that most people would think I was being unreasonable for asking for a free hour away from childcare to work.

The fact that you had to check with a friend about this shows how much he has screwed you up.

I didn't do all the childcare even when I didn't work & my husband did!

No, to be honest I didn’t, but I didn’t need to. From what I read, it all seems really childish and toxic, phoning your mate about a row to get her to take sides, all this arguing about who’s friend it is. He seems a cunt but it all sounds so exhausting. Who has time for that shit? They clearly hate each other. I’m past all that kind of nonsense 😂