Not to ring my mum if she doesn't ring me?

[whathappening]

I can see this is going to sound petty but hear me out.
I live quite far from my family and usually visit every 3 or 4 months.
Up until recently either I would call my mum or she'd call me at least once a week.
I noticed we hadn't spoken for a couple of weeks so I rang and we chatted and everything was fine, this happened a few weeks in a row so I left it and thought I'd wait for her to call me as it's always me ringing lately, anyway she didn't so I called her again and now it's been well over a week and she's not called.
Do I just keep calling her to maintain contact or do I leave it knowing she may never ring me again?
It feels very one sided and I had always thought we were very close.
When I do speak to her we get along really well and have a lovely chat, I just don't know why the calls have become less frequent and only if I ring her now.

Similar issue here, I used to do all of the running, but now I’m older I see it as very one sided, I don’t phone regularly, TBH not much to say, but we were never really close.

Just call her.
She's probably wondering why you haven't rung. My grandparents were exactly like this with my Mum.
For some unknown reason they wouldn't ring but were always happy to chat/see her.

Relationships take work. If you put work in, they grow.

You'll get an echo chamber here of 'she (Mum) should make the effort" but this is Mumsnet, where answering the door is 'not a summons' and people regularly go 'non contact' for the most trivial of things.

I put in work with people who don't initially reciprocate because I am outgoing enough to know that the more you do something, the better it sometimes gets.

Give it a go, see if she calls more when you call. If she doesn't, then you've run your experiment and you have a solid answer.

If it was me I would carry on calling . It mogjt feel a bit one sided . But you did say you have lovely chats so your mum does take an interest in you which is lovely . Don't let dialing a number ruin that . Its not worth it it does not matter who calls who as long as you still have a good relationship and lovely chats . My mum hasn't wanted to know me for many years dont ruin the lovely relationship you have with yours.

Just call her, how ridiculous!

From another perspective- my mum only calls in an emergency because she says she knows I’m busy and she isn’t so she doesn’t want to disturb me and I can call her when I have free time. She’s just being considerate which I appreciate

I would 💯 agree with this. My mum has way more free time than me, so she'd wait for me to call when it's convenient for me

Why don’t you casually say something like ‘Feel free to ring me, you don’t need to wait for me to ring you’?

My mum rarely calls me so I call her.

I think it started when my kids were babies and she used to call and I wouldn’t be able to have a proper conversation, and Id end up calling her back when kids were asleep etc

If you get on well try not let it ruin a goid relationship.

My family are like this every so often will launch an attack on me for not being in touch. I remind them that phones work 2 ways and then go back to NC. Bunch of narcissistic twats all of them !

I have a number of relatives where I think we only speak at all because I organise it. They seem to enjoy it when we do speak or meet though so I don’t mind it that much since I do too. Some people are just less sociable than others and don’t get in touch that often.

This is exactly why I don't call my daughter. I send daily texts that need no reply... little jokes or minor bits of news ... but her life is far busier than mine so I leave the phonecalls up to her when she is feeling relaxed enough to have a cup of tea and a natter.

I don't keep score of who called who last. If I want to speak to my parents I do. I wouldn't not call because it was me who called first last time, it seems very petty.
I always call my dad, he's retired and never knows when I'm busy, he had tried a few times but I've been working late or driving, so I tend to call him more when I'm free

It's always me who calls my mum.

She's retired and I have 3 kids, so she assumes I'm busy and I can then call when it's convenient to me!

Have you actually asked her why she doesn't call?

My Mum is also like this.

She wants as much interaction as possible but doesn't want to intrude or be pushy, so just takes whatever is offered.

I know both DDs are very busy people so message/text them and they reply when they can.

I feel bad because every time my mum calls
I'm either in the bath, dishing up, in the supermarket, working late or there's a child having a tantrum in the back ground so 9 times out of 10 I say I'll call you when I can talk properly so she just says I'll let you ring me when you've got time to catch up and I do, unless it's important she won't call.

Believe me, you will regret not calling her once she's gone.
I would give anything to call my mum just one last time.

Just ring her. No need for a drama.

I sometimes feel myself getting a bit like this with my sister and certain friends. I feel like it’s always me who makes contact and initiates meet ups.
I hear myself saying ‘well they never phone me..’ but then I think, and try and be the better person. There may be multiple reason why someone doesn’t call.
Do I want to maintain the relationship? Do they bring positive things to my life? If so, I just let it go and make the effort. I’d rather be the one making an effort than have no sister and no friends.!

I have sympathy op, it can stop you in your tracks when you realise it’s not a reciprocal relationship.

if you have the sort of relationship where you can say do you want to ring me next week then do. If not then do whatever makes you feel comfortable.

will she ring when she wants you to do something for her? Thats really the only time mine would contact me.

No I don’t believe you because for me that’s simply not true. Perhaps also for the op who knows. We surely shouldn’t be obliged to put up with poor behaviour just because someone will die one day.

Why don’t you bring this up with her. Maybe she thinks your busy with life etc and doesn’t want to interrupt you.

Might not be intentional but some people come across on the phone like you are being a nuisance and taking up their time. Are you genuinely happy to talk or does she call at inconvenient times and maybe this has come across to her?

I rarely call one of my siblings because you feel like you are interrupting them, so I no longer bother.

Well, I feel very sorry for you.

My mum's a bit like this.

I don't think much of it - I assume it's because she doesn't want to bother me/ thinks I'm busy.

I just ring her and it's fine.

The only result of none of you ringing each other will be that you don't talk, so I guess if that's what you want? Or do you just want to punish her a bit and passively aggressively make her contact you for some kind of validation that she still loves you?

Why not just say to her 'I've noticed you don't call me as much now, you are still very welcome to, I still value our chats' etc.

She probably just feels a bit distant so you need to work on the closeness.