Not to ring my mum if she doesn't ring me?

[whathappening]

I can see this is going to sound petty but hear me out.
I live quite far from my family and usually visit every 3 or 4 months.
Up until recently either I would call my mum or she'd call me at least once a week.
I noticed we hadn't spoken for a couple of weeks so I rang and we chatted and everything was fine, this happened a few weeks in a row so I left it and thought I'd wait for her to call me as it's always me ringing lately, anyway she didn't so I called her again and now it's been well over a week and she's not called.
Do I just keep calling her to maintain contact or do I leave it knowing she may never ring me again?
It feels very one sided and I had always thought we were very close.
When I do speak to her we get along really well and have a lovely chat, I just don't know why the calls have become less frequent and only if I ring her now.

Perhaps she worries about ringing at the wrong time and intruding on you?

Why is that weird? And why generalise about a whole generation?

I think it's a bit weird because if you are someone's parent you should feel free to call them if you want to and they should feel free to be able to say "sorry I'm a bit busy, I'll call you back" if necessary. Waiting and expecting to be called just seems strange and a bit entitled to me.

I do apologise for the ageism though, that's fair to call me out on that. All people have the capacity to turn weird, myself included!

I second this.

I desperately miss all the little things that used to drive me nuts.
Just pick up the phone.

My mum and I speak every week, but she always says she'll wait for me to call her because she knows I'm busier. I think she worries she'll call at an inconvenient time.

Totally agree with this perspective. I would rather call them since it’s usually a good 15 mins, so I’d rather choose the timing.

I always call my aged DF. He never calls me. I live far away and I know that he's a bit lonely and probably feels he has little to share. I call him and I have to lead the conversation and then he opens up and we chat about all sorts and I know he enjoys it and it helps our connection. I've had to wirk at this as he was never very communicative or interested in my life and it would have been easy to imagine if roles were reversed he'd be less supportive me. I just want to live in a world where kindness is important. We have to take the lead.

I agree with @strawberry12345 and @Dutch1e ; I don’t instigate calls as both DC lead extremely busy lives whilst we are retired. If it’s urgent I send a ‘please call asap’ Whatsapp but otherwise it’s up to them to either call or arrange a time for me to call.
However, we regularly exchange messages, photos, links to articles..
Sometimes there is a gap and I might not hear anything for a week but that’s ok. I might just send a ‘love you, know you are busy’ message.

If you get on well and enjoy your chats just call her. I don't have any parents around anymore, and would love to have your dilemma. I am not trying to have a dig - I just think life is too short for regrets over such mi or things. Sure it is annoying, but it doesn't have to be any worse than that. X

My Nan was always like this. As is my grandma.
it’s very odd. I’ve never understood it.
I assumed it was maybe generational?!

Not my mum, but my dad. I just stopped calling and going round, waited for him to call and it didn't happen. 10 years we were estranged. He missed my wedding, my son being born, a huge chunk of my life. Eventually I saw him in a coma a few days before he died, I have no regrets, he obviously didn't care if I was in his life or not, or he would have made the effort.

Indeed. There is nothing at all weird about a parent recognising that their adult children are very busy and respecting that.

I have no doubt that there are threads about parents ringing all the time and driving their AC mad by not recognising how busy they are!

This

I'm 50 years old and don't think my mother has ever rang me. We speak maybe once a month.

It's not a competition but it is hurtful when you're always the one making the effort and the other person doesn't bother.

I ring my mother daily. Usually to check in with her. Used to be weekly when we were all younger but she’s older now, lives on her own and has some health issues. She’s less buy than I am on an evening so I call when I’ve time. Sometimes she calls me back if she’s in the middle of something. Occasionally she will call me if she wants to tell me something specific.

The reason I check in daily is simple. If she doesn’t answer I’d be going round to make sure she’s ok. She does have a mobile and I can track where she is so I can check if she’s out of the house which usually means she’s ok but if she’s at home and now answering I do worry. The main reason being we found my dad had passed away on his home and had mostly been lying there for the best part of 4-5 days. He was someone o spoke to and saw weekly to help with shopping and sometimes meet for lunch. He didn’t have a mobile or anything and a week would easily go by and I would call again. Sometimes he would try me but often at the wrong time. Anyway I’d seen him one day, done shopping and had lunch, dropped him off and said I’d see him next week. His friend then called to say they who’d usually see him out on specific days but hadn’t and they’d tried calling but didn’t get an answer. Him not answering was not unusual as he often can’t hear the phone as it was an old plugged in phone in a different room to where he would be watching tv quite loudly. The friend called me and I went round and let myself into his house after getting no answer in the phone and no answer at the door and found he’d collapsed and was most definitely passed away. He could have been there even longer if his friend had been on holiday and hadn’t planned to be seeing him between when I dropped him home and would usually call a week later. His death was unexpected as he was perfectly fine - he’d been check by the gp and hospital recently and given a clear bill of health other than a waiting for the memory clinic to assess him as his memory was starting to become an issue - not enough for anyone to be immediately concerned though.

So you never know what’s round the corner. Check in with your older family members before it’s too late.

I think it’s quite common, my grandma never called my mum but would sit next to the phone and wait for my mum to call. She absolutely loved talking to her, but didn’t want to intrude on her busy life or make her feel she needs to take time out of her day for her.

Seriously, it's one of those things that really needs communicating. Because often it seems that daughter's assume disinterest when it's actually their mums trying to be considerate.

To be honest, it felt awful each time I called my daughter and she answered sounding irritated and frazzled. So if I'm honest, as well as trying to be considerate by letting her phone me when it suits, I really don't want to have to feel that I've unwittingly done something 'wrong'.

Fur the record my daughter is lovely and I'm sure she didn't mean to sound the way she did. But I try really hard not to be a difficult mum and grandma, and I feel stressed if I've done something irritating.

Is it?

Have you ever asked her why she doesn’t ring you ? If you don’t feel comfortable asking her that then you have 2 choices . Keep ringing her as you do , or don’t ring and wait for her call. But in waiting for her call which may never come , you are going to feel so uneasy and stressed more each day , that in the end you’re not doing yourself any favours . I’d rather just call , have your happy chat , and be done with it till next time .

No advice, I’m sorry, but I do know how very hard this is.

I called my mum nearly three weeks ago to let her know I had given birth. Since then, she has ‘liked’ one of the baby photos I texted her but nothing else. No call or text to see how I’m going. Apparently I must be the one to make all the effort in our relationship, even when I’ve just had a baby.

Yes, it is @Mischance.

It's not nice when people never bother with you unless you put un the effort.

So you stopped calling him one day and that was it? For ten years no contact at all? Wow. And then he died. I'm glad you didn't regret it though (and that's not sarcasm, honestly x).

It may not be that a mother cannot be bothered to get in touch, but may simply be trying to do the right thing, or, more likely, not do the wrong thing.

Mothers who delighted in sharing the joy of their new babies are suddenly confronted with their own children making stringent rules about staying away and leaving them in peace to "bond" - it is a massive culture shock! Mothers who offer help as a grandparent are faced with more rules, spelled out in detail with implied criticisms festering away underneath. It is not easy! - nor easy for the young mothers to grasp how different it is.

I am not saying that either way is wrong - it is just different and requires adaptation and a new mindset. And understanding from the young mother that it is very different and may not come instantly or naturally to their own mother.

If when a mother of AC children rings one of them and gets a clear message that their AC is busy - then they start to be careful about when they ring, out of respect - but then risk being labelled as uncaring or disinterested or "not bothered". It is a bit of a minefield.

It is hard for new mothers now to realise how very different this all is. I am just saying it is important not to rush to judgement or blame, but to look at both sides.

Genuinely, contact just stopped.

He always used to say "thanks for calling, I'll give you a call sometime", but he never, ever did. One day I thought, I'll wait for his call and he just didn't.

I made peace with it years ago. He obviously didn't have the interest in me or my life and my calls to him were habitual in that he spoke to me, but probably wasn't fussed about them happening or not.