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Original poster

Not to ring my mum if she doesn't ring me?

128 replies

whathappening · 08/02/2024 09:37

I can see this is going to sound petty but hear me out.
I live quite far from my family and usually visit every 3 or 4 months.
Up until recently either I would call my mum or she'd call me at least once a week.
I noticed we hadn't spoken for a couple of weeks so I rang and we chatted and everything was fine, this happened a few weeks in a row so I left it and thought I'd wait for her to call me as it's always me ringing lately, anyway she didn't so I called her again and now it's been well over a week and she's not called.
Do I just keep calling her to maintain contact or do I leave it knowing she may never ring me again?
It feels very one sided and I had always thought we were very close.
When I do speak to her we get along really well and have a lovely chat, I just don't know why the calls have become less frequent and only if I ring her now.

OP posts:
EarringsandLipstick · 08/02/2024 21:15

saraclara · 08/02/2024 21:09

Oh jeeze. I'm like your mum.

I've not called my DD for a chat pretty much since she's had her babies, which is four years basically. Because whenever I called, it was always a bad time and she was clearly fraught and didn't have time to even deal with a simple question that I needed the answer to, most of the time.

So I WhatsApp her with something random now and again (which she sometimes responds to but often doesn't) and that's it. The last thing I want is to be an inconvenience. Especially now that she's back at work too.
I see her most weeks so that's when we get to chat and relax a bit.

I'm retired. I'm very aware that our lives are very different as regards time to chat. So I stand back as I don't want to get in the way. I'd hate to think that she feels the same as you do, OP.

There's a big difference to OP. You see your DD most weeks. OP, like me, is a distance from her mum & only sees her every few months.

My mum is similar. She calls me very infrequently saying she 'knows how busy I am'. We live a long distance away so I only see her in person (and I always visit) every few months.

I used to call her daily but I gradually realised how bad she makes me feel about myself & how hard the conversations are.

I now have to steel myself to call her, and she almost never calls me. She's right that I'm busy (single parent, 3 very busy DC, full-time busy job) but she's so disinterested it's really hard to talk to her

EndoEnd · 08/02/2024 21:19

strawberry12345 · 08/02/2024 10:06

From another perspective- my mum only calls in an emergency because she says she knows I’m busy and she isn’t so she doesn’t want to disturb me and I can call her when I have free time. She’s just being considerate which I appreciate

Exactly this, my Mum is the same. She never wants to bother me.
Just call her, let her know you are thinking of her and you have time for her!

Goblinmodeactivated · 08/02/2024 21:21

Call her but I feel you, my mum is the same…

saraclara · 08/02/2024 21:29

There's a big difference to OP. You seeyour DD most weeks. OP, like me, is a distance from her mum & only sees her every few months.

You've missed the point. I don't call her, because it only takes three or four calls when the phone is answered by a daughter who's clearly irritated that the phone has rung when she's either trying to get the baby to sleep/reading to the toddler/trying to make the kids' lunch/trying to get them into the car, for Grandma to be wary of calling again.

It doesn't matter if she's five minutes or five hours away, she'll quite reasonably decide that she should leave it to her daughter to call when it's convenient for her. Not because she doesn't care about her, but because she does.

Shortbread49 · 08/02/2024 21:39

Although not everyone has a nice mum who wants to talk to them mine only looks for ways to put me down I prefer brief text exchanges

Daisybuttercup12345 · 08/02/2024 21:51

Don't be ridiculous.
One day she won't be there to call.
Wish I could call my Mum.
Stop playing games.

PattyDuckface · 08/02/2024 22:00

How old is she? My Mum started this and it was dementia that was very slowly reducing her capacity to do tasks.

I would keep calling her and enjoying your talks

dimples76 · 08/02/2024 22:05

I used to resent the fact that my Dad never called me (my parents are divorced). One time, I thought that I would leave it to see how long it would take him to call me - 6 months! Years later he died aged 68. Looking back it my behaviour seems very silly. Sounds like you enjoy your chats so keep calling

mondaytosunday · 08/02/2024 22:27

As @Daisybuttercup12345 says. I regret so much that if my dad answered the phone and asked about the kids I'd just say they were fine and not much else til he put my mother on. Or when she called - always seemed to be just as I was putting the kids down so I'd give her short shrift. They are both long gone. What I wouldn't give to see them for an afternoon and give them my undivided attention now.

Iona40 · 08/02/2024 22:53

Call her, hard for you to know what's really going on in her mind at that distance and with the gaps between calls. Better to stay in touch especially if you enjoy the calls when they happen. Maybe she's down in the dumps with life, and needs a bit of cheering up. Have patience and persistence, you only have one mum and one life no time to worry too much about who called who. Try to enjoy the time you have whether you call or she calls.

hopscotcher · 08/02/2024 22:56

I'd carry on phoning her if you're close. Why put the relationship on the line if you don't really need to? My mum hardly ever rings me (tbf this has always been the case, so perhaps different to your situation) and I think it's because she never thinks it'd be a good time.

snackatack · 08/02/2024 23:05

I have a difficult relationship with my mum.

I stopped phoning (as it was one sided and I was always an inconvenience).

I don't regret it (it was always uncomfortable when I rang).

I wont miss her when she is dead (I miss the mum I wanted.. not the one I had).

So if you feel like me - don't stress it .. don't ring .. you wont' regret it. If you don't feel like me - put it down to old age and ring her! (or be open and tell her how you feel).

saraclara · 08/02/2024 23:07

snackatack · 08/02/2024 23:05

I have a difficult relationship with my mum.

I stopped phoning (as it was one sided and I was always an inconvenience).

I don't regret it (it was always uncomfortable when I rang).

I wont miss her when she is dead (I miss the mum I wanted.. not the one I had).

So if you feel like me - don't stress it .. don't ring .. you wont' regret it. If you don't feel like me - put it down to old age and ring her! (or be open and tell her how you feel).

Well OP clearly doesn't, since, from the OP:
I had always thought we were very close.
When I do speak to her we get along really well and have a lovely chat

I don't know why so many people are choosing this thread to say 'but my mum is awful'. It's not remotely relevant.

Instinct1 · 08/02/2024 23:10

I lost my lovely Mum 2 weeks ago. Call her. Call her all the time.

WhatFlavourIsIt · 08/02/2024 23:16

There's no need for silly games. Just call her. She's your mum. My mum & me call each other every day for a quick catch-up. It won't occur to me to keep score of who called last.

unsync · 08/02/2024 23:21

My mother died in 2015. I'd give anything to still be able to speak to her. Call her. There'll come a time when you won't be able to.

Worriedaboutleaving · 08/02/2024 23:24

What outcome would you like?

BoredAndTiresome · 09/02/2024 00:27

Call her regularly, before it’s too late and you regret it

IloveAslan · 09/02/2024 06:21

Ensuite · 08/02/2024 10:05

Just call her, how ridiculous!

This! What does it matter if you are the one who does the calling? It's not difficult to phone someone so why turn it into such a drama?!

Trying2310 · 09/02/2024 06:33

I live in a different country to my mum and it is always me phoning her. I did bring it up with her once as I was feeling a bit like you are.
Her response was that she knew I was so busy with work and the kids, she didn't want to disturb me and wanted to chat at a time that suited me.

BreakingAndBroke · 09/02/2024 06:47

Perhaps she feels like you are busier than she is and she doesn't want to intrude in your life. Maybe she's feeling down or unwell. Please don't sever your relationship just because you dial her!

MaybeImbad · 09/02/2024 06:50

strawberry12345 · 08/02/2024 10:06

From another perspective- my mum only calls in an emergency because she says she knows I’m busy and she isn’t so she doesn’t want to disturb me and I can call her when I have free time. She’s just being considerate which I appreciate

This is my mum - and other PP! It’s always been me that calls my mum - I can think of only a handful of times she’s called me, only if there is something very urgent.

It doesn’t bother me, she says she thinks I’m busy and doesn’t want to disturb me. If it bothers you though and you get on well I’d just chat it out with her and say you’ve noticed a change.

PearTreeBoat · 09/02/2024 07:11

I've never had a particularly close relationship with my mother but it was fine. I moved away at 17 and would always call her every couple of weeks and visit regularly, she would never call me.

The one sidedness became more and more apparent as technology moved on and all the excuses of "didn't know if you'd be in or not" (call the house phone and if I answer I'm home 😱) or "calls cost too much" (but was ok for me too spend all the money to keep communication open between us) started to disappear especially nowadays with WhatsApp calls ect.

I'm mid 40's now and can still count on one hand how many times she has contacted me, she doesn't even send a quick WhatsApp/FB messenger message to see how I am.

As a result we didn't speak for 2 years and when I caved and called her as I was moving to another country she didn't even appear to realise or care we hadn't spoke for that long!!

To be honest, for a whole host of reasons my life is definitely better now that I don't feel the pressure to call every couple of weeks and we have only spoken once in that past 13 or so months.

Strugglingforanamechange · 09/02/2024 07:15

I speak to my Mum most days. I can’t imagine going weeks without speaking. I would just phone her. I certainly wouldn’t risk never hearing from her again for the sake of being the one to initiate a call.

Lifestooshort71 · 09/02/2024 07:17

You are close to your mum and both enjoy the chats so please don't stop calling her! My daughter is a single parent who works full time and I leave it to her when we chat but I regularly WhatsApp or text her so she knows I'm thinking of them. Please don't stop! X