Not to ring my mum if she doesn't ring me?

[whathappening]

I can see this is going to sound petty but hear me out.
I live quite far from my family and usually visit every 3 or 4 months.
Up until recently either I would call my mum or she'd call me at least once a week.
I noticed we hadn't spoken for a couple of weeks so I rang and we chatted and everything was fine, this happened a few weeks in a row so I left it and thought I'd wait for her to call me as it's always me ringing lately, anyway she didn't so I called her again and now it's been well over a week and she's not called.
Do I just keep calling her to maintain contact or do I leave it knowing she may never ring me again?
It feels very one sided and I had always thought we were very close.
When I do speak to her we get along really well and have a lovely chat, I just don't know why the calls have become less frequent and only if I ring her now.

My mum never rings me. It makes me sad. She'll send emails or watsapp on the family chat. But it's not the same. I phone my gas and he'll occasionally phone me. We all get on well though.

I had this with my mum for years and years. It all seems so unreasonable at the time. But then you know, people die and you look back and think why the fuck didn't I call? And you'd give anything for one more phone call. Just give her a ring 💐

I missed this but yes. Not everyone has a good relationship with their mum and very likely a lot don't have regrets, fair enough. But many do have good relationships and there's love.

Are you sure it isn’t just a routine that you have fallen into and she doesn’t call you because she assumes you are busy otherwise you would have called and she doesn’t want to bother you?

I think it’s quite common to end up like that because parents don’t want to intrude on their children’s lives, especially when they first leave home or go to university, so the habit of leaving social calls to your DC starts.

I rarely call my DC just for a chat because they have busy lives with shift work, their own DC, and friends etc so there is rarely a good time to call when I know for sure it won’t be inconvenient. I only call for a reason. Although we do message each other a lot and I do tell them it is always nice to catch up with them so do call me when they have time.

It’s the same with my DM. I’m busier than her and her routine is more regular so I call her. We’re close and speak every day now she is widowed but I’m always the one that calls.

It’s just something that we have fallen into because it works better for everyone that way.

Agree with this!!

I would out of curiosity see how long it would take for her to ring 🤷‍♀️🤣

Is she worried about her phone bill?

Errrm the OP IS making an effort and putting the work in - how long do you carry it on though - works both ways 🤦‍♀️😂

Mines like this I am over 50 and have her only 2 grandchildren left it and we are up to 2 years to be fair she didn’t want to speak to me when I was a child either

I’ve noticed this happen with both my parents as they’ve aged. They are happy when I call and chat happily and thank me, but no longer call me. I wonder whether it’s to do with aging?

Definitely keep calling.

I text my kids regularly, and will sometimes suggest we FaceTime, then they text and let me know when might be a good time. Equally they text me, and occasionally call me when I least expect it. I feel that by texting I'm showing I'm interested in their lives, but without putting pressure on them for a response, or if I need a quick response or to talk in person I'll ask them to get back to me a.s.a.p. Does your Mum text or email you OP, as if she does, then I think it's likely she's just waiting for you to call her, because you have lots more going on than she does, and she doesn't want you to feel under pressure, but to call when it suits you, rather than her call when you're busy. I would just call in your shoes.

I understand your position. I have the same problem with my parents — they never call me, I always have to ring them. When I first moved away, it was upsetting when the majority of friends have parents who are really interested in their lives, what they’re doing, their jobs, etc, when I don’t get any of that. It’s just the way it is. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve just learned to accept it. I know my Mum and Dad miss me from what they’ve said to my sister who still lives in my hometown, but for some reason, contact is something they’ve never been good at.
You have an adult relationship with your parents now, so it’s just as much their responsibility to keep in touch as it is yours. I’ve lived far away for 7 years and they’ve come to visit me once in all that time.
Eventually I just got fed up of having to do all the chasing and we don’t keep in contact very often, sometimes for about 6/7 weeks at a time. I’ve not seen them in a year. You shouldn’t feel as though it’s your obligation to maintain a relationship with them if you feel like they don’t put the effort in, as sad as it is.
Have you tried talking to your mum about how you feel? It might be worth doing to clear the air, otherwise you will end up like me and have built up resentment towards them for the relationship not being what it could be. TLDR is don’t feel guilty — your parents should keep in touch too.

I'm like that with my daughter.

She's at Uni and I know that she's busy with studying, working and socialising.
I don't want to interrupt her if she's busy with her friends so I send WhatsApp messages which she can open and read at a time that suits her and I leave her to ring me if she feels like a chat.

Yes I’m the mum in this situation.
I’m retired with lots of time but I know my adult children are very busy with work and going out so I don’t like to disturb them.
I am happy for them to disturb me.

@cariadlet me too. My daughter is at uni and I rarely ring her as it might not be convenient.

I normally called my mum because she was old school and I don’t think she liked to impose. She was always pleased to hear from me though, so it was fine.

Please phone her. I went through exactly this with my Mum and was starting to really resent her not calling. She passed away recently. I so wish I’d more effort now.

My Mum died 10 years ago and I'd give anything to hear her voice. I got upset because I had her voice on my answer machine and someone in our house cleared it when it got full and didn't save her birthday message to me. Just pick the phone up and call and be glad you can.

I think it depends on whether she is treating you differently to others.

Neither me or my mum enjoy chatting on the phone (to anyone), but I check in with her daily.

It wouldn't occur to her to call to anyone unless she had someting to ask. I know she's like this with everyone so it doesn't bother me.

She now has an Alexa screen device so I can drop in on her whenever I like and see her if she's on the sofa and she can see me too.

Haven’t read full thread

My mum is exactly the same. Never rings me but then complains we haven’t spoken for ages! She says she worries she’s going to disturb me when I’m busy etc, which is a fair point.

Tbh I have raised it millions of times in a nice ish way and it never changes. I’ve just accepted it now and would rather always be the one to call her than never speak to her. I mean, she is my mum

Totally agree with the not wanting to impose on busy lives. My mum stopped calling when my children were toddlers and it was hard to talk on the phone.

Now she doesn't ring at all. I always ring her and I think that's another sign of cognitive decline. Out of sight out of mind. Sometimes she doesn't answer the phone or call back for weeks, which is a worry living a distance away ☹️ My brother lives nearby and visits once a week and her friend visits every weds, so I know she's OK.

I get the envy of friends with interested parents but you have to work with the patent you have

One day your mum won't be here and I doubt you'll be sat thinking well at least I didn't call her when I could have.

These things don't have to be 50:50 all the time.

Oh jeeze. I'm like your mum.

I've not called my DD for a chat pretty much since she's had her babies, which is four years basically. Because whenever I called, it was always a bad time and she was clearly fraught and didn't have time to even deal with a simple question that I needed the answer to, most of the time.

So I WhatsApp her with something random now and again (which she sometimes responds to but often doesn't) and that's it. The last thing I want is to be an inconvenience. Especially now that she's back at work too.
I see her most weeks so that's when we get to chat and relax a bit.

I'm retired. I'm very aware that our lives are very different as regards time to chat. So I stand back as I don't want to get in the way. I'd hate to think that she feels the same as you do, OP.

We live in the same town and I see my mum all the time so it’s a bit different but we only ever text/facebook messenger. It means you can respond in your own time. We usually only call if it’s urgent, like one of the kids needs collecting etc.

If your mum is always happy to hear from you I’d keep calling her when you’re able to.

It's your mum! Why would you be keeping score on stuff like this?

It's not like some new relationship where you care that you might be more invested than the other person.

It's your mum! Who cares who phones first.