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AIBU?

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Original poster

Not to ring my mum if she doesn't ring me?

128 replies

whathappening · 08/02/2024 09:37

I can see this is going to sound petty but hear me out.
I live quite far from my family and usually visit every 3 or 4 months.
Up until recently either I would call my mum or she'd call me at least once a week.
I noticed we hadn't spoken for a couple of weeks so I rang and we chatted and everything was fine, this happened a few weeks in a row so I left it and thought I'd wait for her to call me as it's always me ringing lately, anyway she didn't so I called her again and now it's been well over a week and she's not called.
Do I just keep calling her to maintain contact or do I leave it knowing she may never ring me again?
It feels very one sided and I had always thought we were very close.
When I do speak to her we get along really well and have a lovely chat, I just don't know why the calls have become less frequent and only if I ring her now.

OP posts:
NeverDropYourMooncup · 09/02/2024 07:17
  1. She's busy and might not want to talk.
  2. I can't hear her particularly well, especially if there's background noise or the WiFi is dropping out.
namechanged221 · 09/02/2024 07:18

Maybe she doesn't want to bother you?

Plumtop11 · 09/02/2024 07:19

Why not just call her and mention you've not heard from her as she's not instigated a call for a while? Don't know what you'll achieve by having a stand off. If just have a conversation about it OP

ThePerfectDog · 09/02/2024 07:21

TorroFerney · 08/02/2024 12:00

No I don’t believe you because for me that’s simply not true. Perhaps also for the op who knows. We surely shouldn’t be obliged to put up with poor behaviour just because someone will die one day.

Show quote history

This isn’t really poor behaviour though is it? It doesn’t have to be an issue unless it’s made into one. Assuming there isn’t a huge back story which hasn’t been shared there’s loads of reasons why mum might not call as much and as things stand, OP wants to get into a stand off with someone who doesn’t even know there’s an issue.

DangerousAlchemy · 09/02/2024 07:39

Dutch1e · 08/02/2024 11:03

This is exactly why I don't call my daughter. I send daily texts that need no reply... little jokes or minor bits of news ... but her life is far busier than mine so I leave the phonecalls up to her when she is feeling relaxed enough to have a cup of tea and a natter.

Show quote history

@Dutch1e I think it's a generational thing too. My DD (19) hates using the phone so we tend to Whatsapp with messages/memes/photos of the cats/stuff instead then do a video call once a week as a family (she's at Uni). Her life at Uni is a lot busier than mine most days so I message then she can reply in her own time.

Copperoliverbear · 09/02/2024 07:45

How old is she ?
Could she be forgetting?
I'd just ring one a week myself, if you get on okay, just ring.
Take it from someone who has lost their mum, I'd love to be able to call her once a week. X

Brefugee · 09/02/2024 07:47

like other pp my mum doesn't ring often because she knows I'm busy. I always ring my mum once a week without fail. She's my mum, she lives alone and she looks forward to it.

warmmfeet · 09/02/2024 07:51

My parents and my in-laws are like this with all of us. They expect us to call them. They say it's because they don't want to interrupt/ intrude on our lives! But they really appreciate us contacting them and want to hear from us.

Old people can get a bit weird. I think you just have to go with it.

neighboursareselling · 09/02/2024 07:54

I'm actually so glad this is an actual thing and not just our family.

Our mother never rings any of us but gets quite upset if she doesn't hear from us, the onus is always on her children to keep in touch with her.

We do find it strange and irritating but it's not worth harming a relationship over.

Conversation is always chatty when we do ring so of course we'll keep calling her .

Zanatdy · 09/02/2024 07:54

Ensuite · 08/02/2024 10:05

Just call her, how ridiculous!

I always ring my mum, never the other way round. I ring her every fortnight - but do text in between. I think it started like that as I was busy with the kids when they were younger and she didn’t want to interrupt so I just call her. I don’t have a problem with this. I’d just keep ringing her, honestly the day will come when you’d give anything to ring her and have a chat.

MrsNandortheRelentless · 09/02/2024 07:56

Trouble is, I know my mum does this too.
If one of my sisters doesn’t get in touch with her, she makes it her mission to not contact them. “Fuck her” were her actual words.

So I rarely bother….except when she isn’t well, I go every day and look after her.

Doingmybest12 · 09/02/2024 08:00

Decide on your pattern of contact and stick to that. When she's rung you before are you often in the middle of something. I think that can easily happen and the caller decides best to wait for you to ring at the convenient time. Don't read too much into it.

Theunamedcat · 09/02/2024 08:00

My dad did this he was supposed to be coming with me as a favour car shopping he couldn't do one day I said ring me back let me know when you can he hasn't rang back now for four weeks and he knew his grandchild was visiting didn't call about a meet up with them either im pissed off at him tbh all he had to say was he was too busy to help not just ditch me

StripeyDeckchair · 09/02/2024 08:01

Maybe she recognises that your life is far busier than hers with work, family etc and waits for you to call. It will always be convenient for her to talk but she doesn't know what your day is like & how you're feeling and she waits for you to call when you have the time & energy.

Easterdaffsx · 09/02/2024 08:02

Call her x
I have 4 dc and kind of a rule of thumb that's once they hit 18 they are adults
If they call me great
If they ask for advise I will provide it
I've seen my own Dm almost smother my db to the extreme of sitting in his lounge every night after work so I guess I have seen the extreme of letting your dc fly the nest or not
All my dc call me regularly and I love that they clearly do this because they want to and not out if obligation
They visit often amd we have some great times still usually eating amd drinking
I have always told them I won't keep calling them because I don't want them to feel obliged etc
We are all very close still amd currently all on way to see the first grand child .... so good to see them all drop everything from wherever they are in the world to see their sister x
Call your mum but only if you want to ask after her .... it might make her day x

saraclara · 09/02/2024 08:04

warmmfeet · 09/02/2024 07:51

My parents and my in-laws are like this with all of us. They expect us to call them. They say it's because they don't want to interrupt/ intrude on our lives! But they really appreciate us contacting them and want to hear from us.

Old people can get a bit weird. I think you just have to go with it.

So a mother being considerate of her daughter is being 'a bit weird' now?

We can't win can we? I despair.

EarringsandLipstick · 09/02/2024 08:05

saraclara · 08/02/2024 21:29

There's a big difference to OP. You seeyour DD most weeks. OP, like me, is a distance from her mum & only sees her every few months.

You've missed the point. I don't call her, because it only takes three or four calls when the phone is answered by a daughter who's clearly irritated that the phone has rung when she's either trying to get the baby to sleep/reading to the toddler/trying to make the kids' lunch/trying to get them into the car, for Grandma to be wary of calling again.

It doesn't matter if she's five minutes or five hours away, she'll quite reasonably decide that she should leave it to her daughter to call when it's convenient for her. Not because she doesn't care about her, but because she does.

No I haven't.

Because you see your DD very regularly, the call is an optimal extra. It's fine if you do, or if you don't, on either side.

If you didn't (as I & OP don't), both parties need to figure out a way to be connected. It might mean a regular call time, or accepting she'll call at times when OP is busy or whatever. Just not calling because 'you're busy' is a cop-out by her DM.

The other thing that happens is the call becomes a 'thing'. If there aren't regular quick calls, visits or texts, the connection is lost & ringing (by either) becomes an exercise as so much needs to be filled in.

EarringsandLipstick · 09/02/2024 08:06

Daisybuttercup12345 · 08/02/2024 21:51

Don't be ridiculous.
One day she won't be there to call.
Wish I could call my Mum.
Stop playing games.

🙄

These arguments are silly. Yes, her DM won't be there some day. Which has nothing to do with her lack of effort now.

I'm not saying OP shouldn't call. But her DM shouldn't be excused poor behaviour because she 'won't be there some day'.

lifeispainauchocolat · 09/02/2024 08:11

I get it OP. It can be hurtful when it feels like you're always the one putting the effort in.

My mum can be similar - she didn't speak to her own mum often due to the cost (they lived in different countries) and I wonder if she's just become used to that level of contact.

I don't know - it does hurt sometimes when she never calls and often doesn't even call me back when I try and ring her.
We get on well when we do speak and spend time together though 🤷‍♀️

iamveryearlytoday · 09/02/2024 08:24

I never ring my dad because he is an extremely busy man. I ring my mum often because she is more likely to have time. Occasionally I phone my mum and my dad picks up, which is a nice surprise.

Whenever my mum rings me (v. infrequently) she always calls whilst I'm on the toilet, in a meeting, putting my DC to bed, or - and this is my favourite of all - whilst the head of my youngest was crowning.

I heard my phone buzz somewhere and I just knew it was my mum. Baby popped out less than two minutes later.

Tourmalines · 09/02/2024 08:26

warmmfeet · 09/02/2024 07:51

My parents and my in-laws are like this with all of us. They expect us to call them. They say it's because they don't want to interrupt/ intrude on our lives! But they really appreciate us contacting them and want to hear from us.

Old people can get a bit weird. I think you just have to go with it.

Enough with the ageism, any age group can get weird !

Mischance · 09/02/2024 08:27

If you want to ring her then ring her.

Don't tot up the number of times she/you initiate the contact. It's not a competition.

Shoppingfiend · 09/02/2024 08:30

Does she think you’re busy/ in the middle of something? So thinks it’s better you choose the time.

BitOutOfPractice · 09/02/2024 08:33

my mom doesn’t call either because she’s worried about disturbing me, knows I’m busy, so she’ll wait for me to call. Sometimes that rankles a bit with me too op but that’s just the pattern we’ve fallen into. We have a very close and loving relationship. Just that I do the phoning. And , thinking about it, that suits me because I am busy!

just phone her op. Don’t get into petty score-keeping and grudges.

IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere · 09/02/2024 08:51

I never ring my kids ever since they left home. I feel they have far more going on in their lives than I do and I don't want to assume that they will be free to chat. They all have different "schedules" when they are free to chat. One of them never rings but we chat on messenger, another rings most weeks, the one who lives locally rings most days. But if I need to talk I message and ask them to ring me.