To not pick my 14 year old daughter up from school?

[Str3bor]

DD is 14 and in year 10. We moved in with my partner a year ago and as such we now live 20 mins away from her school (40 minute round trip) there is no direct public transport route. If she makes her own way home she has to get the school bus to to the train station and then get the train home, all in all it take her just over an hour but is doable.

Me and partner work it between us to take her, he sometimes drops her off in the morning on his way into work. Doing this she gets into school 10 minutes earlier than she would like to but my partner needs to get her in for this time so he is on time for work. I will take her when he is not and will usually try and pick her up and will work my day so that I can.

This morning she was refusing to leave because she still had ‘1 minute’ before the time they usually leave. This is after being shouted down and told that it’s time to go and getting bad attitude back from her. I lost my rag with her and told her she goes when she is told or she or she can get the train in the morning to school. She point blank refuses to do this.

when you take her or pick her up there is not a please or thank you from her, she doesn’t say a word in the car and trying to talk to her is hard work. The same goes when she wants to see her friend of a weekend she expects me to drop everything and pick her up and drop her off again not a please or thanks in sight or any sign of appreciation (they are also a 40 minute round trip away).

her brother goes to the local school so makes his own way whilst I pick her up, she refuses to move schools which is her choice and I appreciate at this stage in her school life it would be hard for her and disruptive. She also says it’s my own fault for moving house so I have to take her.

now whilst I don’t mind continuing with taking her in morning I am thinking would I be unreasonable to start making her get the bus/train home from school?

I am just starting to resent her attitude, she doesn’t appreciate anything we do for her and constantly moans about something, she has no manners and and just back chats constantly and I’m getting fed up of bending over backwards for her when she can’t even say please or thanks mum.

It doesn't sound as if the new living situation is working for her.

Is there anyone sympathetic she can discuss this with, perhaps her grandad?

I don't think she should be grateful. I can't imagine my kids getting a train and bus when they are used to a 20 minute walk.

You moved of course it’s your job to take her to her friends who are now further away and her school frankly.

We did the exact same apart from dh is the children’s dad moved what’s around a 20ish minute drive or 45-60 minute bus ride away. We also gave the option of moving schools to our now year 10 son. He didn’t want to move. Dh drops him in the morning, he gets the option of bus home or he can go to either Nannie’s house and wait for a lift home with dh again.

He also gets a bit grumpy if dh suddenly wants to leave earlier because what teenager wants to be up and out earlier than they need to be. Clue none. I’m not sure if he has actually thanked dh, it’s not seen as a big deal in our house to get our own children to and from school it’s bare minimum parenting.

Dh also runs him back and forth hell
once multiple times in a day if there is something going on to maintain friendships because we moved. He didn’t get a choice we did. Yes the move also benefits him but ultimately it stopped him being able to just go knock at a mates or have a slow walk to school or really even a short bus with friends to school.

In your case add in moving in with mums boyfriends and brother ? Getting to go the the local better school I’m not surprised she’s acting up a bit.

Did you move her into his house? God I'd stay single.

Urgh imagine having to move in with mum's latest boyfriend at that age and then be expected to be grateful for causing a load of upheaval in your life.

Teens usually go through this contrary stage, she's nothing out of the ordinary. They do grow out of it. Give her a break you, sound so self-absorbed.

Yes, they can! It is perfectly legal. 14 gives more options than 13. They just have restricted hours than a 16 year old*. The cafes and pubs in my area have 14 and 15 year olds washing up.

*Actually hours don't change when they turn 16/have a National Insurance number (though at this point I think they may need to be paid PAYE/bank transfer). The hours change when they have reached 'school leaving age', end of Year 11. Though they still need to stay in education in some form after until 18.

I mean, what did you expect?

You moved her away from everything she knows and made her live with some random bloke and his kids instead. Of course she's pissed off with you.

Of course you should be giving her lifts! You chose to make her life harder and are now whining about it. Poor kid.

But OP daughter has a 20 minute drive, how long would that take to walk do you think?

I disagree.
Perhaps our experiences are different
But everyone I know enjoyed their time in different countries with different cultures. Learning different languages ( if it’s not an International school ) and all of them are thoroughly well rounded people that exude confidence.

The move for my kids has had positive effects aswell. My eldest moved when he was just eight, so still young. However my other two were 14 after doing one year at senior school and being at the same school prior to the move from 4yrs old.

You want her to go to school so I think you need to just live with the fact that she's not a fun travel companion. Your partner can drop her 10 minutes walk from school if she doesn't like getting in so early.

You can stop giving her lifts to friends, buying stuff for her etc if she doesn't say please and thank you.

Yup

I'm inclined to agree with the posters who have pointed out that it wasn't her choice to move.

That said, while I wouldn't necessarily expect gratitude, I wouldn't accept rudeness either. So from now on in, she has the choice of being ready on time and in control of her manners, or catching public transport.

The caveat would be to ensure she is comfortable travelling with your DP. Any issues there and you need to rethink the situation.

There’s a school closer that she could walk to
There is public transport
This is why there are so many cars on the road dropping kids off that could take public transport. She’s 14!
No wonder we have a such a problem with pollution with all these cars on the road doing pointless journeys.

Grammarnut · Today 15:45

It looks as if she is punishing you for moving in with a new partner. Her school needs to be changed (this is not her decision, but yours). If she objects then she has a two-hour round trip every day, not unusual in rural areas btw (my children had to catch the school bus into the city 17 miles away, and went to a childminder until it was time to catch the bus). She is being awkward, as teenagers will be, and it is your job to let her know she is not allowed to be awkward.

.......

Basically, you are going to force everyone around you to be mild and meek and say nothing, just for your little new romance to thrive. LOL. Are you even a woman who is really motherly

I have a teen daughter who is the same in the morning - God forbid they arrive 1-minute earlier to school 😂. I think some teens live in their own self-absorbed bubble and it’s beyond their capacity to see the effort you are making.
Have you spoken to her at a different time (not first thing in the morning or straight after school). Is she unhappy? It sounds like she’s angry/upset. Could she be carrying some resentment for the move, or missing alone time with you? Grumpy teens with mum is fairly standard but not so much with everyone else.

Oh yes they maybe enjoy the jetsetting experience at the time maybe but I've yet to meet a forces kid who attended boarding school or were ferried about changing schools all the time who is a well rounded, confident adult. Usually with dismissive attitudes to their kids funnily enough..

Honestly, this is so normal. Took my 14 yo to France to the most beautiful villa, private pool etc. She hardly left her room for 2 weeks, made no conversation and refused to come on any outings. She's 16 now and slightly embarrassed at her 14 yo self. Just keep the lines of communication open, know your boundaries but be understanding that it's not really them, it's their time of life that's making them murderous.

Hello! Nice to meet you! I changed schools and countries multiple times, spent 8 years in boarding schools. I'm very normal, confident and have a (now) nice child with whom I enjoy a very positive relationship.

Hope that helps.

YANBU op. She sounds rude and ungrateful and an hour or two on public transport will maybe give her some time to think. When you’re part of a family you do what’s required to make the family unit work. Being ready in the morning to be chauffeured to school is part of that. Maybe she isn’t pleased about moving house, but making everyone’s lives a misery over it won’t help matters. Time for her to toughen up a bit.

All my friends had the same experience as me and my kids have similar friends. Changing schools and countries as is quite normal in their world.
All very happy etc as previously stated. Yes even when boarding.
It is because of everyones obvious positives that when my kids needed to move I knew, from experience, it was a good thing in the long run and nothing to do with mine, my friends or similar parents dismissive attitudes. Quite the opposite actually.

All the kids have close relationships with their parents and none acted like entitled teenagers or now adults.

Mine are now older and when they started Uni it was quite obvious they were more worldly wise and maturer than many of their peers which is obviously a good thing when you’ve left home.

OPs daughter is 14 and maybe it’s a good time for her to learn the world does not revolve entirely around her and she takes the bull by the horns, looks at the positives and makes life work for her rather than fighting against it.

Hopefully she will do this sooner … if she is given some independence

Moving schools would be insane during GCSE courses - different exam boards, different subjects, gaps because schools teach in different orders.

She might have to start GCSE's again if she changes school. Why would any parent sabotage their child's education in that way?

Very enlightening as a teacher to see how many parents let their kids dictate their every decision, and how they defend their rudeness because OP has (shock, horror) decided to move in with a man that isn't her father, without knowing any of her back story. Yes the child might be unsettled temporarily, but doesn't excuse their rude, bolshy attitude. This sense of entitlement that MN affords children is what makes so many of them bloody hard to manage in school. 'You are at the centre of everyone's world DC and we won't do anything that you don't give us permission to do.' Great life lesson, not.

Well said…..I think as parents who celebrate independence and politeness we are in the minority though.
Prepare yourself 🤣🤣🤣

I'll be brutally honest: if my mum had put moving in with her boyfriend before me and made me move house to a location that was really inconvenient for my education and social life, I would also have been really fucking annoyed, so I don't actually blame her for being a bit pissed off. I'm not really sure why you'd expect thanks from her for a lift when the only reason she actually needs a lift is because you wanted to move to be with your boyfriend.

Booked a holiday and told her we were going to Spain and her response was why can’t we go to Dubai.

It really sounds like you’re not involving her in life decisions and then wondering why she’s pushing back and not “grateful”.