Wedding guest issues, WWYD?

[2024Bride]

I'm getting married this year, tricky situation has developed where one of the guests also attends a gym that I go to. I have walked in to the gym this week and said guest was there but completely unaware that I had walked in behind her and her friend. I hear their conversation and basically this guest is having an affair with another guest who is invited with his wife! I am in shock. I won't go into detail in case it's outing, but they won't be aware that one another is invited to the wedding yet, only the gym guest out of the 2 has had their invite up to now. I have told my DP I don't want them at the wedding now, but how on earth do I explain that when it comes around given that these are people who are close enough to be expecting an invite! It's none of my business what they do I get that, but they both have husbands and wives that this would shatter! What do I even do? I don't want them at my wedding, I feel awful not telling their partners as they are both close to us (not related). WWYD? I wish I was wrong but it was definitely what was being discussed, and there are reasons that I 100% know which man she was talking about which I won't say on here, and also what she has been getting up to with him 🤯🤯

If OP is to pretend she didn't overhear then no one will ever find out she knew so it won't be humiliating. Gossiping about it with other friends would be a bad idea, I would not be impressed with a friend who did that.

I’d definitely be discretely messaging both affair participants and telling them that a is disinvited and b is not going to be invited. Just really tricky having to potentially speak to their partners if they raise it, but most people wouldn’t ask why they aren’t invited. Alternatively, you could talk about how sad you are to be unable to invite some people due to venue limits etc.

What about when it all comes out (it usually does) and the innocent parts of these couples find out the reason they didn’t go to your wedding was because you told the cheaters they were not welcome. So they find out you knew and didn’t say anything. Would you be willing to loose their friendship?

I'd tell the innocent partners and I'd hope my friends would do the same for me. Not saying anything is humiliating for them.

Does the woman know you know?

If not, do nothing. It's none of your business.

There is no way you can uninvite them and if they find out later you will hurt everyone

They are the ones doing the cheating, not you.

Keep out of it and pretend you don't know.

Head in the sand. You know nothing.

Uninvited the gym one saying why. Gauge their reaction.
Tell the partners about the affair. Let them make their decisions; they might shoot the messenger; they might stay; they might not believe you... lots of mights.
I found out about an affair between a partner with a friend and then found out another friend knew. All 3 betrayals were very hurtful. The friend who knew had been my friend the longest. They could've told me. Instead they chose not to and it continued longer, causing even more problems. I blamed my partner more. But I no longer speak to either friend either.
Knowing is better.

I'd just invite them and keep quiet.

Tell both of them you know theyre having an affair so they can no longer attend. Then let them sort it with their partners. You say youre close to both but neither of them would think the others invited? That seems odd

Definitely a tough situation.
I think there are 2 issues:

1. You don't want them at your wedding - straightforward in that you can uninvite/not invite. You don't even have to say why.
2. You are questioning whether you should tell their spouses. That's the more complicated one, and in all fairness, impossible for anyone to answer. How close are the friends? Is there more to their marriages than you are aware of? Not everyone would want to be told. I'd say take your time with that decision, even though it will be hard to sit with. I can see why you'd want to do right by your friends!

Difficult but I think you can’t uninvite unless you admit you know! Given you heard gym friend, maybe message her to say you couldn’t help hearing her conversation and she’s now put you in a difficult position as I you know the woman being cheated on. If you aren’t prepared to do this I think you’ll just have to pretend you didn’t hear.

I would still invite them both to the wedding but I would mention to both of them that you know and don’t want anything kicking off at the wedding. Also that you’re uncomfortable about knowing this and knowing their partners. Explain you would prefer not to have them there but the invite will come out as normal. It’s then up to them to explain why they won’t come if that’s what they decide. This could be the shock one or both will need to end it with each other or their spouses.

Are you closest to the people having the affair or the spouses or a mixture of both? Are they both your guests or your FH or a mix of both? How does your FH feel about them being invited now?

I've never eavesdropped on conversation and found out that way, but I know of several people in my circle who've done things they shouldn't, I have known most of them for 25 years and things do happen especially as relationships go through difficult stages. Have also seen stuff go on at work conferences, Christmas do's, field trips, night shifts etc.

If I had to put a figure on it I'd probably say that at least a quarter of adults have some kind of extra relationship, or are extra to someone else's, at some point in their lives.

What I have observed is that after the initial reaction, people tend to maintain their friendships regardless, people rarely take
sides.

Unless those people you know about in your circle are shagging each other, with their partners not knowing but you know, then you're comparing apples and pairs. Everyone knows someone who has shagged a colleague, this is different.

@2024Bride

I see no reason to cover for their cheating by asking them to the wedding and pretending everything is hunky-dory.

I'd disinvite 'gym bunny' and tell her exactly why. If she says "What will I tell my husband if he asks why we've been disinvited?" I'd say "Not my problem but if HE asks me I'll tell him the truth". I wouldn't invite the affair partner at all and offer no explanation. If he asks why, tell him the same thing.

As far as actually telling the injured spouses the truth, I'm usually in favour of telling.

What are the chances they aren’t your only guests cheating on their partners? I think YABU.

You’ll be so busy day of wedding, you won’t have time (hopefully) to think about these two.

Great advice right here.

What these two do with their own time is no-one of your business. It doesn't affect why you've invited them.

They're friends, they've been invited with their partners/spouses.

Any embarrassment or guilt will be on their part.

Just enjoy your day.

How can she enjoy her day when their secret antics that she now knows about make a mockery of the wedding vows she is celebrating with her new husband?

This thread is full of people without basic moral understanding.

I'd invite both couples as planned. They aren't exactly going to be dancing cheek to cheek with their bit on the side.

Close your ears to what you heard put it completely out of your mind, Pretent you never heard anything.

You cannot referree other people's life's. Stay out of it or you will end up being the bad person and loosing friends.

Have you never had this conversation with your friends? We have and came up with that we'd want them to tell the cheater we know and to come clean with 2 weeks or we will. So hopefully they can find out from their partner and not know that we know. So I'd do that.

I'm confused why gym person has been invited but their DH hasn't.

If you just don't invite them/uninvite them then you're going to cause hurt to the spouses and ruin your friendships with them. It's not the spouses fault!

I can think of a few "movie script" options but this is your real life, @2024bride, involving your real friends at your real wedding, so I'll skip them. You're in a horrible position and of course you don't want this awkwardness overshadowing your wedding day.

I think in your position I would message the two people having the affair separately but simultaneously, explaining that you had the misfortune to overhear what they'd been up to from the horse's mouth and you hope they would both understand why they have to step back from attending your wedding. That leaves the door open for their innocent partners to attend if you want to give them that option. It also leaves it to the guilty party to come clean to their partners without your involvement. Let them do their own dirty work.

The issue for me wouldn't necessarily be the illicit couple getting it on, feeling uncomfortable, or getting caught. For me it would be having two people there who were going against everything your day was about....sanctifying your union and forsaking others.

I'd univite both and if asked for a reason I'd tell the truth.

Honestly couldn't give a shit about losing the cheaters as friends.

But how do you know their partners don't already know? Or what if they have an open marriage or what if they are swingers? Its none of your business and all you have is that small snapshot of a conversation you evesdropped on.