Wedding guest issues, WWYD?

[2024Bride]

I'm getting married this year, tricky situation has developed where one of the guests also attends a gym that I go to. I have walked in to the gym this week and said guest was there but completely unaware that I had walked in behind her and her friend. I hear their conversation and basically this guest is having an affair with another guest who is invited with his wife! I am in shock. I won't go into detail in case it's outing, but they won't be aware that one another is invited to the wedding yet, only the gym guest out of the 2 has had their invite up to now. I have told my DP I don't want them at the wedding now, but how on earth do I explain that when it comes around given that these are people who are close enough to be expecting an invite! It's none of my business what they do I get that, but they both have husbands and wives that this would shatter! What do I even do? I don't want them at my wedding, I feel awful not telling their partners as they are both close to us (not related). WWYD? I wish I was wrong but it was definitely what was being discussed, and there are reasons that I 100% know which man she was talking about which I won't say on here, and also what she has been getting up to with him 🤯🤯

I would do nothing & still invite both. It's none of your business (& you may have got it wrong anyway). It's their mess to sorry out, let them deal with it. They might both be close to you but you don't know what things are going on in their relationships. I would keep out of it & carry on enjoying planning your wedding.

OP, I really feel for you. It's not nice to have this knowledge and I understand why you wouldn't want them there. I think you need to unpick them though - there's two "wwyd" here - what / if anything do you do re telling? And do you (dis) invite to the wedding.
Gym bunny was the one with the loud mouth and the one who's had the invite so I would sit her down face to face. Tell her you heard what she said and having this information puts you in an uncomfortable position. Don't tell her whether you'll say anything - leave that for her to mull over. Tell her you'll be having the convo with the other cheater too. I would say something like "it's none of my business how you conduct your lives but I don't want you at my wedding. It upsets me that people close to me are doing things that will impact others around I'm
Close to."
For all you know it may be the marriages are already broken and they're just waiting to say something - or open marriage or whatever.
But if you don't want them at your day - 100% don't have them there.
Just blame the old "we can't afford to invite everyone"

I think the best plan is to tell either just the gym person, or both people having the affair (if you know the other one fairly well, otherwise don't invite them and only include their spouse) that you know. Tell gym person to decline the invite. You can also say that they've clearly been careless talking about it, you don't want to be forced to either keep a secret from a friend or to be dragged in.
I'd probably leave it a week or so then if nothing has come of it, tell your friends what you heard. You can be clear that you can't be 100% sure (even if you really are), say it could well be nothing in which case you're embarrassed and will never mention it again, but didn't feel right not to say anything. I think this gives your friends enough info but might mean if they choose to forgive the affair they don't feel awkward around you.

“Yeah I'm not expecting them to shag on the dance floor but knowing they've been shagging everywhere else when both of their partners are our good friends is a tough pill to swallow.”

Yeah - they’re not your friends.
You’ve backtracked that you’re posting for opinions and want to tell them… but come on, that hadn’t even crossed your mind! Or you wouldn’t have been posting about your wedding guest list. You’d have been posting, “oh fuck - how do I tell them?”

Forget the wedding invitation nonsense.

Tell your friends what you heard. Or don’t invite the innocent ones either - because if you don’t tell them, you’re no friend to them.

It may be obvious if both affair partners were disinvited fairly late on. Especially if it comes out other people knew and the spouses may directly ask OP if she knew.
Absolutely shouldn't mention it to anyone else.

You can’t act on what you’ve heard without explaining, particularly if these are people close to you and you value your friendships at least with the non-cheating partners. Put yourself in their shoes for a mo, how upset would you be to learn another friend knew your partner was cheating and said or did nothing about it.
Also, I know affairs are dishonest and can be devastating, but actually you can never see truly what is happening in someone else’s relationship. There may already be unhappiness you don’t know about. Some affairs lead to happy and long relationships. Don’t be too hasty or harsh with your judgment.

Are you any the wiser now OP; on how to decide to deal with this? @2024Bride

Horrible situation for you.

Honestly, I’d do nothing. I’d literally just pretend I hadn’t heard it. Nobody knows you know and unfortunately no good deed goes unpunished. However you get involved will give you grief and won’t ultimately change anything.

It’ll come out in the end (maybe even before the wedding). Sit down and support the cheated on people when they find out.

I would tell everyone
You found out, because they were talking about it in public
Get it dealt with

I don't know if it'd be better to get both sets of couples to the same event and accounce it at that point what you heard at the gym.
Or ring both of the partners being cheated on, invite them somewhere and tell them what's going down

Research the Karpman Drama Triangle before you do anything. You may start out as the rescuer (of your ‘innocent, cheated on’ friends) but there’s a really good chance that you’ll end up the victim or perceived persecutor if you intervene.

@2024Bride The wedding issue is irrelevant. You can't withdraw invites without explaining why - if your friends don't know about the affair they'll wonder why you don't want them at your wedding and it will probably ruin your friendship anyway. Your problem is that you know about an affair, and whether or not to tell the other partners. You have two choices -

1. Pretend you didn't hear anything, go ahead with invites as planned. As others have said, they're not going to shag in the aisle of the church so it makes no difference to the day.
2. Tell the other partners about the affair. Present the information, and leave them to decide what to do with it. For all you know they already know about it. If they all break up, subsequently invite whoever you see fit.

In either case it's not actually about you, or your wedding. It has no material impact on you, and you've plenty time to know whos dinners you're paying for or not. Contrary to popular belief, life is not black and white and while I wouldn't have an affair, I don't believe I have the right to unequivocally condemn those who do as morally corrupt and irredeemable. In the nicest possible way, you're a bit tied up in the wedding prep at the moment, and that isn't what this issue is actually about, so take a deep breath and think about which option you think is best for your friends who may be being duped by the affair partners. Put that first and you won't go wrong.

Haven't read the whole thread, but if you're absolutely sure this is what you heard in that conversation then tell the partners. I don't know why people are so weird about this. You have the chance to stop any more emotional abuse from happening. Most people would want to know if they were being cheated on.

The amount of people on this thread who apparently would be ok with two of their friends who mix in the same circles knowingly having sex behind their partners backs with one another, and just be absolutely sound about it shocks me.

Whilst that seems so obvious, I really don’t believe it’s fully true.

Maybe the couple has an open relationship?
Maybe one of them hates sex and has agreed to turn a blind eye?
Maybe they already know, but are biding their time/waiting for exams to be over/elderly parents to die etc before acting?
Maybe they suspect and if you tell them they’ll be forced to confront it (and hate you for it)?

I think, as a pp said, life isn’t so always black and white. Obviously the OP is in a much better position to know what is likely to be the best course of action.

I don’t think anyone is saying they’d be happy about it are they? It’s more about what to do, isn’t it?

ETA I haven’t read all the recent messages. Maybe some people are saying they wouldn’t care

Having been in the position of the one being told, I would tell. I had spent 6 months in the awful position of having suspicions and no evidence, it was such a huge relief in a way to be told.

Just a few examples from the first few pages:

You haven't thought this through
Nothing to do with you
Not everything is about you
Long fall down from that high horse
This is very childish, soap opera
None of your business
Not an episode of TOWIE
Send out a pre qualification questionnaire and ask how nice they are to their granny
Meddling in other people's marriages

I only got to page 3. So yeah I agree with @Loubieeee that it seems like an awful lot of people on this post would be ok with it.

In context, I disagree that an ‘awful lot’ of people are saying that having an affair is ok.

I do think people are saying it’s maybe not especially pertinent to wedding invitations and disagree over whether the OP should tell the partners. Is saying it’s none of your business the same as saying affairs are ok? I’m not sure.

Whatever, it’s semantics.

I’m certainly glad I’m not in the OP’s position.

Is there anyway you could get an anonymous message to one of the friends involved ? I would not worry about the wedding atm they might not even be together .

I would, if they were good friends, take them both quietly aside, individually, and tell them that I know. I would tell them that, whilst I'm not going to out them to their partners, I strongly disagree with what they are doing and because of this, I don't want that energy at my wedding. Be ready to lose the friends though.

They may know already and are choosing not to deal with it. I’ve known this to happen to a friend. She knew all along what was going on but chose to ignore it but she couldn’t once her friend told her. She forgave him but is no longer in contact with the friend. People are strange and it’s a hard place to be for you.

I would want to know but once I did marriage off - end of. But could I do that to someone and potentially end their marriage - not sure.

Only people you can speak to are the two having the fling and let them know you know and you are not happy to have them at your wedding. Either way you may lose the friendship of both couples.

Sorry you have this stress in the run up to your wedding!

Honestly the messenger always gets shot!! I would arrange to meet with the 2 that are having the affair and tell them that you know all about it and don’t feel comfortable at them being at the wedding but know the and their partner are expecting an invite so you ask that they politely decline or that you are keeping secrets from their partner. One of 2 things will happen. They’ll tell you it’s over and carry on or they’ll tell their partners they have been cheating. If they bring up to the innocent partners that you know you then tell them yes you did and you confronted them both and have them the ultimatum. Either way it’s now

The OP is long gone, people.

Kind of not surprised given how a lot of the responses went! I'd have got off as well and chalked it up to "shouldn't have asked in AIBU as usually most people just say YABU"

If it was me I'd tell them. It happened to me and I wish someone had of had the balls to tell me to save me walking around looking like a fool but thinking my marriage was wonderful while he was with our literal next door neighbour and many of our friends knew it 🤷‍♀️