Wedding guest issues, WWYD?

[2024Bride]

I'm getting married this year, tricky situation has developed where one of the guests also attends a gym that I go to. I have walked in to the gym this week and said guest was there but completely unaware that I had walked in behind her and her friend. I hear their conversation and basically this guest is having an affair with another guest who is invited with his wife! I am in shock. I won't go into detail in case it's outing, but they won't be aware that one another is invited to the wedding yet, only the gym guest out of the 2 has had their invite up to now. I have told my DP I don't want them at the wedding now, but how on earth do I explain that when it comes around given that these are people who are close enough to be expecting an invite! It's none of my business what they do I get that, but they both have husbands and wives that this would shatter! What do I even do? I don't want them at my wedding, I feel awful not telling their partners as they are both close to us (not related). WWYD? I wish I was wrong but it was definitely what was being discussed, and there are reasons that I 100% know which man she was talking about which I won't say on here, and also what she has been getting up to with him 🤯🤯

Involving yourself in other people's sex lives never ends well, OP. Neither does appointing yourself aribiter of others' morals.

This, IMO, falls firmly into the category of what a good friend of mine eloquently refers to as 'another fucker's shit'. Meaning, quite simply, don't pick up baggage that has never belonged to you to start with.

That conversation was not intended for your ears and you'd be quite reasonable to behave as though you'd never heard it. You're very convinced you heard accurately, but this is the problem with grapevine information. It becomes distorted. What if you were mistaken? And if that did turn out to be the case, could it justify putting a bomb under four people's lives?

If it were the case, and the affair partner is so indiscreet as to go around boasting about her shenanigans in the full hearing of the public, it's likely that the situation will resolve itself admirably and without any intervention from you.

In response to a further post upthread, writing anonymous letters is never other than cowardly.

This isn't about you or your wedding. And in case you are concerned that their presence is going to 'taint' your wedding: don't be. If every single guest you invite is as pure as the driven snow, I shall be one very surprised woman.

Op it’s your wedding and I wouldn’t want anything to spoil my day, and especially not two sleaze bags. I wouldnt want to waste the money either - clearly they have zero respect for the concept of marriage.

This exactly

Another vote for SerafinasGoose's post.

It never fails to amaze me how invested some people choose to be in other people's lives. Thanks for the 'other fucker's shit'... I will pinch that.

Lots of adulterers on here today

What does your DP think?Are they more your friends or his? Are you closer to the innocent parties or the cheats? When you say close, how close? Do you socialise seperately or in couples? If it's as couples, as part of a larger group, I'd avoid drama before your wedding, and proceed as planned. Put it out of your mind. If I was a VERY close friend of one of the victims, I'd have to tell them. I'd expect that of my best friends.

Personally I would leave things be. They need to sort things out between them and no one will thank you for outing.

Think what you like (if you do at all).

OP could get herself out of this very easily if she wanted to. Overhearing a conversation doesn't mean that you know what's going on and it wasn't intended for OP's ears.

Involving yourself in other people's lives isn't a noble activity, just the province of nosey people.

Create a fake account and tell the people that their partners have been having an affair with each other. They may not totally believe you but at least they’ll be on guard and watchful.

Then uninvite the couple - tell them you had to lower the numbers.

Your wedding isn't the main concern here.

Either tell them or carry on as normal, which means inviting both couples.

Depending on how close I was to the partners, I'd probably tell Gym Bunny that I heard the conversation and tell her she and her affair partner need to come clean or I'd do it for them.

I would ignore it - what they do in private is none of your business.

Message Gym guest and say "I'm sorry but I have to withdraw your invitation to our wedding as I am aware of your affair with X and whilst it's none of my business what you get up to, I can't have you both at my wedding and can't choose between you so have to have neither of you there. I hope you understand and I don't want this to end our friendship but I can't deal with this situation playing out on my wedding day"

I wouldn't do anything either. Not your circus, not your monkeys (love MN for that phrase!).

Carry on as you were with the invites. I'd maybe casually drop into conversation with either affair partner that there are rumours circulating and then say no more.

It's not your mess to get involved in. Just try and forget about it and enjoy your day.

That is bullshit. In essence you did nothing wrong but staying quiet makes you a co-conspirator of the cheating. You're not a decent person. You may try to present it anyway you want, as staying out of other peoples business, but that does not change the fact you are now an active participant in the lying and betrayal against your good friend.

OP I had that happen that my partner was cheating on me, with multiple women including my friend i was maid of honour to. Everyone in my friend circle knew.

The betrayal of my friends felt almost worse. I felt so humiliated, alone and unsafe amongst all those people. I packed up and left that town and cut contact with everyone because I could not trust anyone after that. That pain I carried with me a long time. Realising no one has your back out of dozens of people was frankly traumatic and I still carry that with me for a small part decades later.

Please tell your friends in private that they are being cheated on.

You have a right to have standards. Your wedding Your choice.

I don’t get the MN stance of not telling people. If my DH was cheating and someone I know knew, of course I’ll want them to tell me. Chances are I might suspect. Tell the partners what you heard, it’s up to them to decide to confront or stay in the relationship.

tell then to decline your invitation

If my good friend had heard someone at the gym saying she was sleeping with my husband I'd hope that friend would tell me. You aren't saying that you know it is true, just that is what you heard her say.

Dear x, I have just found out about the affair you are having with y. It obviously puts us in a difficult position because of our friendships with both of your partners. I'm sorry but we no longer think it would be a good idea for you to attend our wedding.

Personally I’d do nothing and invite them all

if you really feel u must address it then tell them both the other is going don’t get drawn into it

You need to tell both of the innocent parties. Regardless of your upcoming wedding, that’s not really relevant as once they are told they won’t be coming anyway. You are their friend and you just overheard this, you definitely need to tell them.

I agree with you OP. This is such a dilemma. I understandon your wedding day the last thing you want is to be speaking to guests where you are aware there is cheating going on and the innocent party is unaware. I'm interested to hear what others would do before I say what I'd do. It's not often I'm stuck 🤦‍♀️

Rescind invite and spell out why: people who have affairs with married people tend to be very thick-skinned.

I’d have to tell the affair partners what I’d overheard then leave them to decide what to do with the information. If they weren’t initially suspicious, they’ll probably deny it and blame you for spreading gossip but at least you’ve warned them and put them on their guard.

Believe me, there’s nothing more humiliating than discovering that a good friend was aware of the affair, long before you found out and chose to keep the affair a secret because they didn’t want to get involved. That’s such a cowardly act.

I’m another one that moved miles away to start afresh, because how can you ever trust any of them again?

Exactly.

And so very sorry that happened to you.

I had a similar situation growing up, just one of my parents was the adultery, and the very very worst bit of it all was knowing other people knew. It’s effected and damaged me forever, over 30years ago now.

I would always tell a friend or even an acquaintance, I’d not want to have to but no one should have to think other people knew and did nothing.

I’d think they were minding their own business tbh.

1. Don’t eavesdrop
2. Pretend you didn’t
3. Don’t tell a soul

Unless they were shagging in the gym you’ve no idea what’s going on. You don’t know what their marriages are like behind closed doors. They may already know.

I trust DH, I wouldn’t believe anyone who told me he was having an affair.

The only exception to this is a parent or sibling. But… from bitter experience I told my mum my dad was having an affair (he told me he was so I was certain) and my mum blamed me. I cannot stress enough that this is not your business.

I think from everyone’s replies people have had different experiences. And they would act according to those experiences.