Wedding guest issues, WWYD?

[2024Bride]

I'm getting married this year, tricky situation has developed where one of the guests also attends a gym that I go to. I have walked in to the gym this week and said guest was there but completely unaware that I had walked in behind her and her friend. I hear their conversation and basically this guest is having an affair with another guest who is invited with his wife! I am in shock. I won't go into detail in case it's outing, but they won't be aware that one another is invited to the wedding yet, only the gym guest out of the 2 has had their invite up to now. I have told my DP I don't want them at the wedding now, but how on earth do I explain that when it comes around given that these are people who are close enough to be expecting an invite! It's none of my business what they do I get that, but they both have husbands and wives that this would shatter! What do I even do? I don't want them at my wedding, I feel awful not telling their partners as they are both close to us (not related). WWYD? I wish I was wrong but it was definitely what was being discussed, and there are reasons that I 100% know which man she was talking about which I won't say on here, and also what she has been getting up to with him 🤯🤯

Invite them both and seat them next to each other!

Pretend you haven't heard it.
Invite them all.
It's none of your business.
Their lives.
Can you be sure none of your other guests are having affairs?
Forget about it and
Have a nice day.

Do nothing. You aren’t the moral police. Carry on as usual and after the wedding reassess what you wish to do re the friendships. By then the affair may have burnt itself out or maybe your gym friend was fantasising to impress the person she was with.
In future you can tell the innocent parties you suspected something but had no proof so didn’t say anything

Confront the gym bunny. Tell her…thst outs you abover her scheming. Just be brutally honest and once you get her story tell her she can’t attend. Do you think she won’t tell the guy? I bet she will… problem solved

So first.. gym guest is your friend so instead of saying Hi to your friend you eavesdrop on her conversation with her friend..

second.. are you sure it’s cheating and they’re not doing an open relationship type of thing? I mean if I were having an open relationship I won’t announce it to all my friends or even 1 friend, though maybe I’ll confide in 1 friend to share my stories with..

third.. even if it really is cheating it’s non of your business..

Tell their partners, anonymously. They deserve to know! Then you don’t have to uninvite anyone and you can go ahead knowing that you have done the right thing.

I can give this perspective since you clearly care about doing the right thing and are in a difficult situation. My advice, by the way, is tell the guilty parties and let them sort it with their partners but don’t involve yourself further at this stage. All will out eventually and you will have done the right thing. My reasoning: my best friend’s husband caught my husband out with our neighbour many years ago. They were having an affair which I already suspected. Friends husband decided to keep it to himself as I had 2 very young DCs and he couldn’t know what would be the consequences of telling me. All unravelled in its own time, and they remained good solid friends for me, I understood why he didn’t tell me - but they were there for me when I needed them. You have nothing to gain by influencing the course of the split, or indeed reconciliation of these sad couples.

It is absolutely nothing to do with you and you’ve no idea the context. Stay out of it.

I would personally be telling both of the cheated on partners exactly what I heard if they were good friends of mine! I don’t like the cop out of it not being any of your business because they made it your business by carelessly chatting about it for you & all to hear in the gym. I have personally been cheated on & if I found out that any of my friends knew about it & did nothing, I’d feel betrayed & sick & angry about it. Yes, I’m probably more sensitive to this as I’ve had first hand experience but if I’d have known, then I’d have done something about it sooner instead of being taken for a mug for YEARS!!!!

I don’t that it’s reasonable or unreasonable just a no win situation for all involved. What a mess.

Have you told your OH? What does he think?
mon a personal note - my exH had an affair and I’m certain some ‘friends’ knew and didn’t tell me, I’ve since distanced myself and don’t talk to them anymore as that’s not real friends.

Genuinely can’t believe you’re getting flack OP. I totally understand your discomfort and worry. I don’t know what I’d do but h get why you’re asking.

Wow sorry you've ended up here.

How long away is the wedding? Like a year or months or weeks?

If its like a year away I'd tell their partners and any drama will have died down by your wedding.

If its like next 3 months I'd uninvited the people having the affair and tell them to make up a reason to their partners. Give them a deadline to have told their partners otherwise you will.

Then as soon as back from honeymoon, spill. As bad as it is staying quiet, this is your wedding which is stressful enough to organise without the added agg. Plus you've been dreaming about having the perfect day an enjoying it with your new husband, this would overshadow your wedding.

Wait til after wedding and then tell them. Explain to your friends that you found out unintentionally and asked their partners to be adults to sort it.

Personally I would politely tell her YOU KNOW and talk it out with her and explain the difficult position she has put you in. But a little piece of me would also love to know what would happen if you put them on the same table, there’s nothing like a taste of reality to dump freezing cold water on a cheater (especially as it sounds like she’s shouting about it from the rooftops). But either way, don’t let it ruin your big day.

I would tell her you overheard her boasting about her affair, you don't want to cause any embarrassment to her but really do not want to get involved in any fall out between her and her current partner , so you and your DP think it would be best all round if she declined the invite, if not you will withdraw it and that would be more embarrassing for her if people ask why.
I am sure she will .

You aren’t being unreasonable but it’s a big bigger than your wedding tbh. Tell each of the cheaters you don’t want them there because of what you know & encourage them to end it or fess up.

This is the perfect response @2024Bride

I am a hard nut and most would say I am cynical about love BUT a wedding/matrimony/union of two people who love each other to make this kind of commitment in front of family and friends is still very special to me... I may not have found my happily ever after but I still wish (upon a star) when I see others tie the knot that they have. Is this maybe what has left a bad taste for you to invite them?

Are the partners your friends or them ? If the first then I would drop your friends a hint . I’m sure if it was you would like to know .
I agree with you I wouldn’t want this sort of person in my wedding either

Tell the two who are having the affair, it's disgusting, why people are telling you just to grin and bear it I really don't know, to me a wedding is a special day and it's celebrating the love you and your other half have for each other, these two people you know have thrown their vows out of the window and I would not want people like that at my wedding. I don't know how they can live with themselves doing that to their spouses.

I would hate to be in your situation but the close friends are probably going to be really hurt and wonder why they aren’t invited?? That may well end your friendship if they’re as good a friend as you think. Personally I would invite all and stay out of it, it’s a really shitty thing they are doing but the friends won’t thank you for telling them and I’m sure the wedding is big enough for the pair to avoid each other. After the wedding you can distance yourself a bit?

Seat them at tables far from each other .

Tell them if you feel it’s the right thing to do. I probably wouldn’t because of many reasons: they might not want to know, might not want to find out from a friend, might shoot the messenger type thing. Clearly lots of people think the opposite, but you need to make your own decision.

However, if you don’t tell them, you need to crack on as normal and forget you ever heard this. You can’t punish the two innocent parties in this because of what their other halves are getting up to. You also shouldn’t share this info with anyone else.

Even if you do tell, it’s no guarantee both couples will split. Would you then refuse to socialise with your friends as couples because you disapprove of their choice to stay with the cheaters? It’s shit that you know about it for sure, but possibly worse to act on it.

What does your soon to be DH say about it?

I would invite everyone as planned and forget I overheard the conversation.

Just because you know some guests are having affairs, it’s not automatically true the “non-affair” partners are perfectly innocent (they may have also had / having affairs elsewhere)

It’s not your place to interfere and no one will thank you in the long run for either dropping bombshells if completely oblivious or exposing affair(s) that people could pretend to be ignorant about and delusional

You’ll be so busy on your wedding day you’ll interact so little with most guests anyway! The day goes in a blur!

Have a wonderful wedding and marriage!

Could you email or both the affair partners

“Hi Bob/Sue, I have become aware of your affair, and as a result would rather not have either of you at my wedding. Sue, you are uninvited, and Bob, you will not be invited. Obviously up to you how you explain this to your respective spouses.”