Grandparents pleasing themselves

[WanderingScotty]

My MIL and FIL look after DS once a week and occasionally at the weekend and have done since he was 1 (now 4.5). (They used to look after him twice a week but we already reduced this because of this issue).

MIL and FIL are fantastic with DS in many ways - he loves spending time with them and they love having him. He’s very lucky to have them.

We have always had some “ground rules” for when they look after him - e.g watch sugar intake, limit screen time etc. It’s not strict, essentially everything in moderation and we just ask them to keep us informed so we can adapt as needed.

MIL and FIL would admit themselves they are not the healthiest of eaters and have no desire to change this. This has caused confusion in the past where they’ve given DS something they think is healthy but we wouldn’t think is (e.g ultra processed, low calorie). FIL also doesn’t take well to being told what to do and can sometimes be a bully (which I admit gets my back up and makes it hard for me to back down). MIL is very unconfrontational and will go along with anything even if she disagrees to avoid an argument (but will make subtle comments so we know if she doesn’t agree).

FIL wants free rein to do what he wishes with DS when they look after him. He wants to spoil DS as that’s “his right as a grandparent”. Mainly this is give him sweets, chocolate, ice cream etc, buy him any toy DS wants etc. Whilst we understand this to a degree FIL looks after DS too often to spoil him as much as he wants to. My mum also looks after DS and it’s not fair on her if she follows what we ask when she too would like to spoil him more. More importantly, this isn’t fair on DS as he gets confused or upset when there isn’t a consistent approach and takes sugar crashes after eating too much sugar.

DS is getting older and is able to understand and verbalise more. This afternoon, he came home and told us he had 3 chocolate treats which they hadn’t told us about. We asked them and they denied this. DS insisted he was telling the truth so we questioned them more.

FIL got defensive asking if we’d been quizzing DS after they’d left - we did but only after DS initially told us. This has led to a heated discussion tonight as FIL says he should be able to do what he wants, he’s raised 2 boys who turned out fine, DS is only with them one day, we’re imagining the sugar crashes etc. He also thinks we should trust them and not question them (despite saying he doesn’t want to go along with what we’re asking).

We have outlined the reasons we’re asking them to follow our rules. Ultimately he’s our son but we have them there because it’s what we think is best for him. MIL is agreeable but FIL is grudgingly backing down. It’ll likely raise its head again in a few months as this seems to be the way it goes.

AIBU for expecting them to follow our wishes or am I getting too bothered about it?

Could you send some healthy treats with your son so they still feel like they are treating him but you aren't worrying about the sugar?

he loves spending time with them and they love having him. He’s very lucky to have them

This trumps everything

3 full sized chocolate bars in one day on top of a treat-y lunch is excessive.

OP says that she has had an eating disorder and still has control issues around food. The IL's do appear to also have issues around food.

In this situation, I would be trying to have a trusted person set some guidelines that allow for grandparents to exercise some judgement and treat their grandchild, while not encouraging excessive junk food.

You mention your mum, OP - do you trust her judgement or DH's?

Ultimately, if you want to be able to dictate and have a full account of food eaten then you do need to stop using them for childcare and revert to the odd babysitting where it won't matter that they treat him.

I think you’re overthinking the whole thing tbh. Though I see from your updates that there are reasons why this may be the case.

Life is too short to be worrying about this to such an extent. Don’t helicopter parent, trust in others, I assume your kid eats well the rest of the time and has good manners etc? Then honestly why does it matter. Let them be. I’ve never imposed rules on grandparents— I trust them otherwise I wouldn’t let them look after my kids! Don’t be overbearing.

Going to grandparents and having treats you don't have at home is part of being a child! It won't do any harm! Children know it's an occasional treat and enjoy it as such. Rein it in a bit!

If you're really that fussed @WanderingScotty send a packed lunch/your own 'allowed' snacks. Or send dc to nursery.

Have you had counselling for your own food issues?

If you don't like how they do it then you should pay for childcare so that you can ensure your wishes are followed at all times. I look after my grandson, daughter trusts that he is loved and cared for, I wouldn't be putting up with any micromanagement from her if I'm honest and don't blame your PILs for being annoyed.

You sound like my cousins wife. No snacking, no treats, no chocolate and no cake.

my aunt just wanted to spoil her grandchildren , she didn’t give them anything in excess but her dil questioned the children after each visit. These rules caused so many problems as when the children went to parties , they gorged on sweet treats and as they grew older spent pocket money on sweets, chocolate because their mum didn’t allow it. It also caused eating problems as they grew older too as their mum had made such an issue over it,

when all the children were visiting my aunt then either all the children went without or cousins children missed out! It caused a horrid atmosphere. mostly dils children missed out as mil said she wasn’t having the others miss out due to her dils fascination with food,

its one day a week, if you don’t like it then stop this situation and find other childcare.

If they were having him five days a week then it would be a big issue but as it's only one day a week, I'd be annoyed but I probably wouldn't lose sleep over it.

Could you maybe send your son with a little lunchbox so that you kind of know he's getting something decent amongst the crap?

Having said that, if I were a grandmother and the parents asked me not to do x y z while I was looking after them then I'd do what they asked.

I wonder if you're projecting your own food issues a bit here though.

I actually agree with the OP. I don’t see why the grandparents can’t follow the very simple rules. Giving grandchildren sweets isn’t the only way to spoil them as a grandparent. How about their favourite magazine, or baking healthier sweet treats. If my children asked me to follow the rules while babysitting I 100% would because it is their child, to bring up how they please. The grandparents have had their children and fed them how they please. It is up to the OP how she feeds her child and how often he eats sweet treats.

Your parents in law are providing free child care for you. Your son clearly loves his grandparents and they love him. If you want him to have a specific diet or structured activities then pay a licensed childcare provider and they will do all of this. Otherwise it sounds like your in laws are just being loving caring grandparents. They sound like mine who look after my DC, I wouldn't dream of acting like this.

This.

How entitled are you!!

Surprised. On MN the older generation exist to give free childcare, learn what terrible parents they were, never move away but shut the hell up if adult children want to move to Australia. Oh and don't live too long or go into a home, your kids deserve your money which you evilly made as house prices rose because you bought your home, like they want to.😶

Op I used to be like this with my first, then he went to school and now every weekend there’s a party loaded with every E numbered treat you can imagine. You can’t police that! With my second I’m chilled. If they have a good diet the majority of the time then once or twice a week sugar madness is ok

OP, gently, this post made so much more sense of your original to me. It sounds like you and your PIL both have/have had unhealthy relationships with food but in different ways (using it as control vs a comfort crutch perhaps?) so no wonder it's become such a flash point.

It may help to think of it in those terms.

I do agree with other posters, though, that this one day per week is not going to make a vast difference to his overall health and happiness, particularly when they're restrained somewhat by knowing your views on the subject. Having a harmonious family atmosphere between his parents and grandparents, both of whom he adores, though, will as will growing up without food being made a big issue in general. I honestly think that's the bigger picture, here.

For what it's worth, my diet as a child was OK (included fruit and veg) but probably would also have horrified a dietician (a LOT of beige food and chocolate) as I was often in charge of my own meals from a relatively young age due to necessity. However, I was and am perfectly healthy (regular health MOTs) and, most valuable to me, I didn't and don't have any hang-ups about food whatsoever in spite of teenage years, bust stressful work and then changes to my body post-children.

Trying not to make food A Thing with your son is as important as having him eat vaguely healthily.

Good luck.

It just feels all very judgmental and nasty. The tone of your posts is very much saying that you think your husband’s family are all poor parents who can’t feed their kids because they’re all obese and eat processed food and don’t know what’s good and what’s not etc, meanwhile you think your parents are great and you trust them…. But then you say you had an eating disorder growing up. So really, you and your family aren’t all that much different or better from your husband’s family. There seems to be food issues on both sides of your family, and you’re imposing your issues onto your son but getting angry when your husband’s family show their’s. It all just sounds like there is a dangerous fascination with food on all sides, and an obsession with what he is eating… so much so that your kid tells you what he had without prompting and then you quiz him on it. If you think you’re doing a good job of giving him a healthy attitude towards food, then I’m sorry to tell you that you’re not. Kids that age don’t usually make such a huge deal over being allowed chocolate; they don’t jump in the car and tell you over and over that they had a sweet. The kids who have that sort of excited obsessed attitude over the sweeties they had are the kids who secretly buy junk food when they’re old enough to shop without you.

You’re really not doing that much better a job than your in-laws because your kid seems to be developing an obsession over access to sweets and talking about them afterwards. It’s just all very taboo, unhealthy, secret eating vibes.

I think one day a week of being stuffed full of sugary crap s way too much and potentially setting him up for longer term issues, needlessly, just so the PIL can feel good. That isn't loving, it's deeply selfish.

She doesn’t sound like this at all! She’s specifically said she thinks that her DS should have everything in moderation. Your aunt may not have given them anything in excess, but these grandparents are - three chocolate bars on top of a sugar loaded lunch for a pre schooler is excessive. And it means that the OP will feel that she needs to limit what he has the rest of the time. It’s selfish, and it’s more likely to encourage the child to binge on sugar, because he’s being taught that it’s normal to have a week’s worth of chocolate bars in one day!
I’d also be pretty furious that the grandparents denied it in front of the child when he said what he’d had - making him out to be a liar!

I can understand why you are concerned with how much treats and sugar your son is getting and I had thought initially they had him every day but it is one day a week so I don't think that is going to have too much of an impact on his diet.

Your son is getting older and maybe at the age where he needs to start understanding the rules and begins to develop the skills to stick to them, so knows that if his granddad offers him a second bar of chocolate he declines. We want our kids to able to stick to rules in the presence of temptation and peer pressure and make the right choice so maybe a good life lesson for him to start to develop. You said your in laws don't have a great diet so they are probably unaware of how much sugar etc is in the foods they are giving him. As others have said be grateful for their love and support your son is so lucky to have developed such a great relationship with them, cherish and nurture that.

My husbands parents have had my son twice a week since I went back to work and he’s nearly 5 now (they have him after school and school holidays), and honestly what happens down nannys stays down nannys. She’s raised two kids of her own (both slim and healthy) and has 2 other grandkids who are the same. My son LOVES it down there, will often have a cornetto as a treat for eating his dinner or ice cream, muffins etc
I stay out of nannys caf as she calls it, none of my business what goes on down there

If you want to be able to specify what your child eats and when and their activities documented over the course of the day, you need to be looking at putting your child into paid professional childcare.

If you want to use grandparents as childcare, the ball is their courts. You could provide snacks, books etc, but ultimately its up to them

Well I'm actually with you OP. You have asked them to not do certain things and they've purposely gone against you and even been sneaky about it

@Itslegitimatesalvage this is really interesting! Don’t suppose you’ve got a link to it/the study etc. Thank you!

OP, you and your DH really need to not quiz / question your Ds. He will quickly realise what is going on and it’s as unhealthy emotional position for him to be in (whether he feels pulled in 2 directions loyalty wise or learns to play you all off against each other) as too much sugar is health wise.

My Nan's house was the fun place to go! Sugar water for my dolly tea parties and a constant supply of chocolate biscuits.