Grandparents pleasing themselves

[WanderingScotty]

My MIL and FIL look after DS once a week and occasionally at the weekend and have done since he was 1 (now 4.5). (They used to look after him twice a week but we already reduced this because of this issue).

MIL and FIL are fantastic with DS in many ways - he loves spending time with them and they love having him. He’s very lucky to have them.

We have always had some “ground rules” for when they look after him - e.g watch sugar intake, limit screen time etc. It’s not strict, essentially everything in moderation and we just ask them to keep us informed so we can adapt as needed.

MIL and FIL would admit themselves they are not the healthiest of eaters and have no desire to change this. This has caused confusion in the past where they’ve given DS something they think is healthy but we wouldn’t think is (e.g ultra processed, low calorie). FIL also doesn’t take well to being told what to do and can sometimes be a bully (which I admit gets my back up and makes it hard for me to back down). MIL is very unconfrontational and will go along with anything even if she disagrees to avoid an argument (but will make subtle comments so we know if she doesn’t agree).

FIL wants free rein to do what he wishes with DS when they look after him. He wants to spoil DS as that’s “his right as a grandparent”. Mainly this is give him sweets, chocolate, ice cream etc, buy him any toy DS wants etc. Whilst we understand this to a degree FIL looks after DS too often to spoil him as much as he wants to. My mum also looks after DS and it’s not fair on her if she follows what we ask when she too would like to spoil him more. More importantly, this isn’t fair on DS as he gets confused or upset when there isn’t a consistent approach and takes sugar crashes after eating too much sugar.

DS is getting older and is able to understand and verbalise more. This afternoon, he came home and told us he had 3 chocolate treats which they hadn’t told us about. We asked them and they denied this. DS insisted he was telling the truth so we questioned them more.

FIL got defensive asking if we’d been quizzing DS after they’d left - we did but only after DS initially told us. This has led to a heated discussion tonight as FIL says he should be able to do what he wants, he’s raised 2 boys who turned out fine, DS is only with them one day, we’re imagining the sugar crashes etc. He also thinks we should trust them and not question them (despite saying he doesn’t want to go along with what we’re asking).

We have outlined the reasons we’re asking them to follow our rules. Ultimately he’s our son but we have them there because it’s what we think is best for him. MIL is agreeable but FIL is grudgingly backing down. It’ll likely raise its head again in a few months as this seems to be the way it goes.

AIBU for expecting them to follow our wishes or am I getting too bothered about it?

Moving forward he is going to have playdates after school where the food drinks intake might not be what you want him to have. You wouldn't tackle the parent about this. So better to relax a bit.

Your first and only child, perchance? Just asking.

I think this grandparental urge to give your grandchildren sugar and chocolate etc is surprisingly common, and I don't really understand it (though maybe I will if I have grandchildren myself one day).
Three of my kids' four grandparents (I know we were very lucky to have them all) absolutely loved feeding the kids sweet treats, and saw it as an integral part of their time spent with the kids. One of my children didn't like chocolate/cake etc at all as a preschooler and they just couldn't get their heads around the fact that he would genuinely rather have a carrot or an apple instead. (He's 16 now, and still loves fruit and veg but has also discovered a taste for the sweet stuff!)
I think basically your choice is essentially to suck it up, or stop having them look after your son so regularly. I think the fact they are lying to you about it and undermining you (and thus putting your son in an awkward position) would be more of a warning flag for me than the actual treats themselves.

You re being incredibly silly and risk losing a beautiful relationship for your son. Alternatively pay for your childcare then you won't have to worry about grandparents who clearly love heir gandchild "doing as they please".

It's a grandparents job to spoil the grandchildren if you don't like it don't let them have your child it's very simple.

My MIL was entirely indifferent to our daughter (she's all for her now shes a young teenager, and no longer a 'needy' toddler). I would've loved her to actually want to spoil our daughter!

Dishing out care instructions is for paid childcare, not for family. Why don't you find a nanny, yes they will charge you, but you will get the service you require. If you popped the little angel into paid for daycare there would be no toys bought or sugary snacks dished out. Problem solved.

I get it OP, I'd also be annoyed if people were feeding my 4 year old three chocolate bars and lots of crap. I also get that they feel they're showing him love and that you're fortunate they're looking after him, but I don't agree that there's absolutely nothing you can do about it.

I think a lot of posters sound really defensive. The comments about it just being a bit of chocolate are out of order when you're talking about three chocolate bars, and maybe they've a messed up relationship with food themselves.

Tell your GP about it - and ask for advice and ask if your Ds's stomach problems could be from junk food. Presumably your GP will say it's not a good idea for a small child to eat so much sugar - pass that on what the GP says to the grandparents: doctor says junior needs to cut way down on sugar as he has stomach problems and has said that he should have at most one 'treat' a day and has suggested a diet of specific meals and that you keep a food diary for your ds. Then send your own food with your ds when he goes to their house.

Tell them also you weren't checking up on them, that you were trying to figure out why your ds has a sore tummy.

Just because some posters' kids have no/uninvolved grandparents doesn't mean your child needs to be fed rubbish.

It's also a grandparent's job to help keep their grandchildren safe and healthy

My DDs and their cousins together gave a eulogy at their much loved grandmothers funeral. They spoke with warmth and laughter about how she loved to feed them chocolate.

They're healthy, slim and sound of teeth in their 30s, and carry forward wonderful memories of the grandmother who adored them and who they adored in return. I'm so glad that I kept my feelings about the chocolate to myself. In hindsight it simply wasn't important.

I roll my eyes any time grandparents make a point of saying they want to spoil a kid or make them happy with chocolate or sweets but I'm probably bias as my kids grandparents are happy to do that but don't actually play or interact with him so it's frustrating they are giving him what he doesn't need rather than what he wants and needs.

You have 2 choices. Continue to use them for childcare and realise if you do you cannot place demands when your not paying for it or you pay for child care and can get what you want

Unless you come back with a massive drip feed about DS being diabetic or something, YABU!! Being so controlling over "3 chocolate treats" and quizzing the poor kid about what he's had at Granny and Grandads house. I'd be making the choice easy for you and rescinding offers of free childcare the micromanaging and patronising would make it so I wouldn't want to help you out

Get over it, do you have any idea how lucky you àre???

Ffs unclench. It’s fine!

It's also a grandparent's job to help keep their grandchildren safe and healthy
Agree with this.

I've never had to spell out my children's grandparents not to give DC junk food and sugary snacks all day because they're sensible and have common sense. They give DC well-balanced meals on the whole and I don't care if DC have a few biscuits when with the grandparents.

I'd feel differently if I had to spell out to them that stuffing my children with junk food and sugar all day is not a good approach to food.

Stop being so controlling, OP. Let it go.

It a bit like that with our childcare. We have a lovely childminder who looks after DC three afternoons a week after school. She's absolutely great, reliable, caring. She's like an extra grandma. We were very very lucky to get her and she only squeezed our DC in as a favour to her friend who was our previous childminder. The current childminder told us up front that she gives the kids a snack after school that's "not healthy". It was quite funny how bluntly she told us this! It turns out that the kids choose something for themselves out of a snack cupboard each afternoon, it's things like a mini pain au chocolate, a Mr Kipling cake, old school biscuits like party rings etc. We accept this as part of the deal and control snacks more healthily at home. I don't love it that DC has all those sugary things but overall I'm so happy and grateful for the childcare we just deal with it.

They are safe and healthy though. It’s not like chocolate is a safeguarding issue is it?

I agree with OP, think of his teeth!

Actually the reverse is often true. Growing up we had boxes of chocolates and cakes lying all over the house and I would take the odd one or two if I fancied them. Never binged, never thought they were a rare treat so didn’t gorge. Never had a weight problem and am still slim now ( and a healthy eater).

I'm sure it's already been said, but if you're not happy, find childcare somewhere else. If DS isn't already, he'll be off to school soon, so you might not need so much childcare, after school clubs will be available and if you make friends with other Mums, you might find you can take it in turns to do school pick up with someone else in time.

Sorry haven't RTFT yet but i agree with OP and is partly why i used paid childcare - also grandparents currently work/wont drive.

If we have them babysit, which is very occasionally, then feel free to spoil him - I know there will be sweet treats, more tv than ideal staying up late etc - but it's a one off.

When it is every week it's childcare, not babysitting, and they should be acting in loco parentis. I wouldn't be strict on rules on everything they do but I would expect for my child to have more routine than a one off babysit.

Many friends who have used family childcare it has gone badly with different parenting opinions. Babysitting and regular childcare are different

Honestly you have to choose your battles when you're getting free childcare from grandparents.

My children understood from very early on that when Mum or Dad was in charge it was our family rules. When GP were in charge it was their rules.

Honestly you have to choose your battles when you're getting free childcare from grandparents.

OP pays though.