Grandparents pleasing themselves

[WanderingScotty]

My MIL and FIL look after DS once a week and occasionally at the weekend and have done since he was 1 (now 4.5). (They used to look after him twice a week but we already reduced this because of this issue).

MIL and FIL are fantastic with DS in many ways - he loves spending time with them and they love having him. He’s very lucky to have them.

We have always had some “ground rules” for when they look after him - e.g watch sugar intake, limit screen time etc. It’s not strict, essentially everything in moderation and we just ask them to keep us informed so we can adapt as needed.

MIL and FIL would admit themselves they are not the healthiest of eaters and have no desire to change this. This has caused confusion in the past where they’ve given DS something they think is healthy but we wouldn’t think is (e.g ultra processed, low calorie). FIL also doesn’t take well to being told what to do and can sometimes be a bully (which I admit gets my back up and makes it hard for me to back down). MIL is very unconfrontational and will go along with anything even if she disagrees to avoid an argument (but will make subtle comments so we know if she doesn’t agree).

FIL wants free rein to do what he wishes with DS when they look after him. He wants to spoil DS as that’s “his right as a grandparent”. Mainly this is give him sweets, chocolate, ice cream etc, buy him any toy DS wants etc. Whilst we understand this to a degree FIL looks after DS too often to spoil him as much as he wants to. My mum also looks after DS and it’s not fair on her if she follows what we ask when she too would like to spoil him more. More importantly, this isn’t fair on DS as he gets confused or upset when there isn’t a consistent approach and takes sugar crashes after eating too much sugar.

DS is getting older and is able to understand and verbalise more. This afternoon, he came home and told us he had 3 chocolate treats which they hadn’t told us about. We asked them and they denied this. DS insisted he was telling the truth so we questioned them more.

FIL got defensive asking if we’d been quizzing DS after they’d left - we did but only after DS initially told us. This has led to a heated discussion tonight as FIL says he should be able to do what he wants, he’s raised 2 boys who turned out fine, DS is only with them one day, we’re imagining the sugar crashes etc. He also thinks we should trust them and not question them (despite saying he doesn’t want to go along with what we’re asking).

We have outlined the reasons we’re asking them to follow our rules. Ultimately he’s our son but we have them there because it’s what we think is best for him. MIL is agreeable but FIL is grudgingly backing down. It’ll likely raise its head again in a few months as this seems to be the way it goes.

AIBU for expecting them to follow our wishes or am I getting too bothered about it?

I'm estranged from my parents and they have never even met my three children. My in laws live abroad.

You are lucky enough to have TWO sets of grandparents who want to spoil your child. Let them. It's really really not a big deal. And if it's causing this much worry and angst - pay for childcare like lots of the rest of us do.

I could have written this post, in fact I considered writing a similar one! Although my DS is younger than yours and we don't have the defensive FIL dynamic.

I've given this some thought and it's annoying, especially given my parents certainly didn't ply us with all that sugar when we were kids. Quite the opposite.

But I just ultimately decided that the pros outweigh the cons. It's not that we're saving money for childcare by using grandparents, because DS would qualify for 30 free hours. But he loves going to his grandparents', he has a really strong relationship with them and he's always excited to go, and they do lovely things together.

So I've just stepped back and decided that it's not ideal, but in my opinion if you outsource childcare to family like this and you're not paying, there is a compromise to be made and this is it.

I’m going against the grain here but why is stuffing a child with crap all day seen as treating and being loving?

If your FiL really is a bully, rather than a misguided GP doing his best, then you're going to get nowhere with your requests, as if that's his nature, you will simply be handing him another means of power. The more he thinks you're bothered by it the more he'll delight in doing it belligerent insisting on his rights, his house his rules and so on. Given that you need to decide how much this really matters. Can you work around it with it being just the one day, or is it a deal breaker? Also, if he's that bad, is he a good influence on DS anyway? I'm not sure I'd want my child to watch a relationship where a cowed timid woman was domineered by her bullying husband on a regular basis.

Agree
If treats become the norm, they cease to be treats.

Agree totally. This is true . When kids are at a party for example, it’s not the sweets or all the goodies with all the sugar that gets them all excited and over stimulated, it’s the effect of the excitement from the party itself . The kid sugar crash is a myth .

I’m generally in favour of ‘pick your battles’, but on the other hand I’m imagining the post when this child starts school and the school nurses says he’s overweight, and then all the mumsnet posters come along analysing how many grams of protein he’s getting and picking apart the OP for giving him white bread or cereal bars. (We’ve all seen those threads….). Several bars of chocolate one day every week is a lot, and means the OP will feel less able to treat him herself, or as she said, her own parents can’t do the same.

You sound very difficult.

YABU. It’s free childcare. They’re not poisoning him, just treating him. If you want more input pay for formal childcare

@WanderingScotty How refreshing it is for a poster to listen to other opinions and reflect, rather than becoming defensive and refusing to believe they’re being unreasonable. Your child sounds loved, that’s the most important thing.

I am.a GM to 5 and over the years have them staying for weeks at at a time.We as a family are very into healthy eating so I have always fed them a variety of fresh food.,very little processed foods,I make sugar free cakes etc.My DIL only allows water to drink so fine that is what they have,in the evening before bed they have hot chocolate that is the treat.If you MIL is obese that is your problem,she sees sugar as a treat.I would not be happy seeing a child fed as they feed your son but he will be going to school soon and things will change.I afraid it is a different attitude and can see why so many people in this country are obese it is a huge problem.

Yeah, my parents are dead too and my kids not having a relationship with them is one of the hardest things about it. This is also a problem I’d love to have. I was harsh on you in my previous post, PP, for which apologies. This is probably why.

I think you either need to find alternate childcare arrangements or chill out a bit tbh. As long as he is safe, happy and fed then surely that’s what’s most important? It’s once a week.. as you said everything in moderation so if you know he isn’t eating the healthiest on granny/grandad days then just make sure he’s eating healthy for the rest of the week. Lots of parents talk about having no village to support them.. yet here you are with a lovely sounding one that you are going to push away over a few chocolates

Are your PIL actually offering a proper nutritious meal to your son or not ?

If they are, and the sweet treats are in addition to the nutritious meal, then I would let it go. But I would also always give your DS a lunch box to take with him, with an apple or other healthy snack of his choice plus a bottle of water.

If on the other hand, your PIL are regularly offering bars of chocolate or other sweet treats in the place of a nutritious meal, then I wouldn’t be happy with my son going there for a full day on a regular basis, - I would limit his visiting time to ensure he eats his main meal at home and is only with them for the hours in between meal times.

Your son is now at an age where he is more able to understand the basic rules of self-care including healthy eating and brushing teeth etc.
You could teach him how to politely decline chocolate bars and donuts etc, if he has already eaten one that day. “Thanks grandma, I’ve already had a chocolate bar so I’m going to eat my apple next if I get hungry.” “Thanks grandad but I have a bottle of water in my bag so I don’t need that fizzy drink”

Your PIL appear to be too set in their ways and too proud to listen to you or to change their eating habits. So sadly, I wouldn’t expect them to pay much attention to your concerns at all.
But there are ways around this problem without upsetting them too much and without depriving your son of time with them.

For the most part, I’m with you though OP. I would hate it if my dc had to be there all day every week without being offered a proper healthy meal. I would want to be making other arrangements for him in that case.

Life is so short! Let him have 1 day a week of over indulgence...I thought this was what grandparents were there for 🤣

You want this level of control, pay for childcare

Because children love to eat these things?
And when faced with a carrot stick and an orange candy bar, they will always choose the candy bar!

My belief is you can only control what DC eat in your home. Telling others what to give DC is ok, but don't expect them to stick to it! (Unless there are allergies involved)
Plus you are putting DC in a precarious situation, they might feel that they have to lie to you and cover for the GP in order to receive the treats or avoid conflict.

It's not worth it!

Oh well if you are paying them anyway, I’d move to a different childcare arrangement which you feel happy with!

If you stay as you are you will feel irritated and annoyed and it will cause friction in your long term relationship with your in-laws.
It’s simply not worth it. They can see him and treat him but on a less regular basis.

Have you thought about educating your child on nutrition in an age appropriate way? Children are very receptive when they're involved in the reasoning behind dietary choices rather than "no grandad, he can't have that it's sugar"

They are not your staff to order around. It's a 'their house, their rules' situation.

He hasn’t though.

I’m going against the grain here but why is stuffing a child with crap all day seen as treating and being loving?
Agree with you.
I suspect there's a couple of issues. Some people have an emotional relationship with food and instead of viewing sugary foods as something consumed in moderation as part of a balanced diet, they think that children in the family should eat like them and that way they can avoid acknowledging that it's an unhealthy approach.

Or because they find joy in sugary food, they assume that other people will find joy in it and therefore giving children huge amounts of junk food must make the children happy/the child will feel loved based on the amount of junk consumed.

Or they're just feeders. We've all met them, the people in the office who take huge offense if you decline a cake / the relative who is moody and pushy if you decline food because you've just eaten but they want to see you eat whatever they put in front of you.

It's a shame the GPs are showing love through sugary treats, I do understand they this is frustrating you. They obviously care but maybe haven't realised their grandson will adore them whether or not they treat him, it sounds like they do a good job and don't need to add the sugar on top.

My DC always got three puddings after tea with MIL. This would be a pudding like apple pie, followed by a small ice lolly then some sweets. MIL obese so I wanted to tread carefully. I got my DC to think about whether their tummy was hungry for more food after the first pudding. If their tummy was still hungry maybe something from the fruit bowl would be more filling than the ice lolly? Education at home. They would ask for fruit instead of the ice lolly at least half the time and MIL would then feed back to me how good they'd been asking for fruit! This reinforced the fruit element.

I'm pretty sure she still gave the sweets though!

My DC are older now but I've always had emotion-free, factual conversations about food as fuel, and the reason why we want certain foods to fuel our energy battery. Sugar is ok too but you won't have your best day if it's a big part of your diet.

DS will solve this problem for you. Soon he will learn not to tell you what sweet treats he is has been given and you will be in blissful ignorance.

OP I know this feels like such a huge thing, and it's upsetting that they Donna listen, but please don't let this affect your son's relationship with his grandparents.

Neither set of our kids grandparents were ever overly involved, and they very rarely looked after our kids alone. They certainly rarely spoilt them. A few years ago, my eldest started questioning why this was; feeling he was missing out compared to other children. Unfortunately, in the past three years, three grandparents have died. The eldest was 75. None of these deaths were expected. My eldest feels he missed out because his grandparents weren't overly involved, and now because they are not around.

Inagine how it will feel in 6 or 7 years if your so asked why he doesn't have so much to do with his grandparents, and all you can think of, is that they have you too many treats. If you are moderating treats the rest of the time, these really won't harm him, but not having the relationship might be upsetting, if not damaging.