Grandparents pleasing themselves

[WanderingScotty]

My MIL and FIL look after DS once a week and occasionally at the weekend and have done since he was 1 (now 4.5). (They used to look after him twice a week but we already reduced this because of this issue).

MIL and FIL are fantastic with DS in many ways - he loves spending time with them and they love having him. He’s very lucky to have them.

We have always had some “ground rules” for when they look after him - e.g watch sugar intake, limit screen time etc. It’s not strict, essentially everything in moderation and we just ask them to keep us informed so we can adapt as needed.

MIL and FIL would admit themselves they are not the healthiest of eaters and have no desire to change this. This has caused confusion in the past where they’ve given DS something they think is healthy but we wouldn’t think is (e.g ultra processed, low calorie). FIL also doesn’t take well to being told what to do and can sometimes be a bully (which I admit gets my back up and makes it hard for me to back down). MIL is very unconfrontational and will go along with anything even if she disagrees to avoid an argument (but will make subtle comments so we know if she doesn’t agree).

FIL wants free rein to do what he wishes with DS when they look after him. He wants to spoil DS as that’s “his right as a grandparent”. Mainly this is give him sweets, chocolate, ice cream etc, buy him any toy DS wants etc. Whilst we understand this to a degree FIL looks after DS too often to spoil him as much as he wants to. My mum also looks after DS and it’s not fair on her if she follows what we ask when she too would like to spoil him more. More importantly, this isn’t fair on DS as he gets confused or upset when there isn’t a consistent approach and takes sugar crashes after eating too much sugar.

DS is getting older and is able to understand and verbalise more. This afternoon, he came home and told us he had 3 chocolate treats which they hadn’t told us about. We asked them and they denied this. DS insisted he was telling the truth so we questioned them more.

FIL got defensive asking if we’d been quizzing DS after they’d left - we did but only after DS initially told us. This has led to a heated discussion tonight as FIL says he should be able to do what he wants, he’s raised 2 boys who turned out fine, DS is only with them one day, we’re imagining the sugar crashes etc. He also thinks we should trust them and not question them (despite saying he doesn’t want to go along with what we’re asking).

We have outlined the reasons we’re asking them to follow our rules. Ultimately he’s our son but we have them there because it’s what we think is best for him. MIL is agreeable but FIL is grudgingly backing down. It’ll likely raise its head again in a few months as this seems to be the way it goes.

AIBU for expecting them to follow our wishes or am I getting too bothered about it?

@Bladwdoda I explained that badly. We do look after them occasionally and babysit but we gave up looking after them on regular days every week. It was a big commitment and we were faced with a list of rules and quizzed about them every time. Asked to write down everything they had eaten. Quite honestly we didn't need or want the stress.

We now spend time with them as grandparents and don't feel like childminders. It's much better all round.

MN is full of parents who would love to have grandparents willing to look after their children never mind grandparents who love doing it!

This sort of argument is very similar to the arguments that people should roll over and accept crappy behaviour from their mother / father /in laws / siblings because plenty of people would love to have their mother around / family who care about their children.

It's guilt tripping. The FIL has made it clear that he considers himself king of his castle and isn't going to consider what the child's parents think on issues. This isn't about saying no to a chocolate bar or a biscuit (which would be unreasonable). Nobody is obliged to allow their children to be filled with junk food by relatives just because some stranger online would like to have grandparent childcare.

They're just loving him and spoiling him with some treats. You're really over reacting. You're so lucky that they still have him, even though you grill them like this. It's so silly. I'd give my right arm, for lovely grandparents like his.

This is a kind and helpful response.

Pay for childcare then.

I haven’t read any of the other responses yet but my first reaction to your post was to think you sound like a total nightmare.

How can there be so much drama over three chocolate sweets?!

Blimey OP - you need to either chill out or pay for other childcare.

I agree. My parents did this and it annoyed me at the time but my daughter grew up just fine and has children of her own. I'm the grandparent now but more aware of healthy eating etc than my parents were.

Eyeroll.

If he had an allergy or intolerance it isn't OTT to have rules around that.
He doesn't.

I think you have to decide how much the free childcare means to you and what is more important. If I felt as strongly as you do about it I would pay for childcare instead.

Op does pay the grandparents.

The sugar rush is in your head. Any good at all causes energy surges. It’s what food does. Kids don’t get hyper from sugar, but parents don’t bother about the increase in energy after normal food and then notice it when it’s sugar. This has been studied and shown many times.
One study in toddler behaviour, parents were kept away for “interviews” and told their children would be fed, they fed a bunch of toddlers a healthy, nutritious meal but left out empty packets for sweets and sugary cakes etc for the parents to see. The parents then observed their toddler’s behaviour, which after a meal was energetic, and all the parents were questions on their children’s behaviour and they all went on and on that it was because of the sugar rush, the sugar made them over excited and crazy etc. There had been no sugary food.

This result appears again and again. His behaviour and motions are down to your perception, not the sugar.

Copious amounts of sugar isn’t good, obviously, but has no tangible impact on behaviour.

I think you’re getting a hard time here OP. While I agree with other posters that you shouldn’t micromanage the GP, it does sound excessive.

And although it’s easy to say ‘just feed him healthy food the rest of the week’, maybe the OP wants to be able to treat him to the occasional biscuit etc without worrying that he’s already eaten a weeks worth in one day.

It is also a bit concerning that they are essentially calling him a liar when he tells you. Next they’ll be telling him to keep it secret from you.

On the other hand it’s not that long until he starts school which will put a natural limit on his time with them.

OP, it might be helpful for you to list exactly what they fed him that day, as I think some posters are imagining the just the odd sweet now & again.

ThisIsOk
To be fair to the OP, I thought the same from her first post but the subsequent posts suggest this is more than a controlling parent objecting to a few biscuits or some chocolate at Grandma and Grandad's house.

She's fine with DC being given some sugary treats with the other set of grandparents because the food is otherwise a balanced diet.

The grandparents she's having issues with are feeding her child a lot of junk foodz lots of snacks, biscuits, chocolate to the point her child isn't eating their dinner on an evening and the FIL seems of the "I raised my kids fine so don't need to listen to you" mindset.

You’re completely over the top - let your child and the GPs just enjoy their day together.

I agree with you OP it would bother me. IMO YANBU

i would be putting him in nursery that day a week or childminder who will respect you

I am in a similar situation and I voice my concerns so they are aware but am not confrontational about it as I don't see the point. They raised us so think they know better 😂. However one thing you could try is sending some prepared fruit he loves as an alternative. If they don't eat it themselves it can seem expensive/wasteful to buy just for him.

I get where you're coming from. It sounds like PIL is deliberately giving him excess treats just to spite you, you rise to the bait, he digs his heels in.

Three treats is too much for one day, but like PP have said, he's not being poisoned, so you did to decide if the free childcare and more importantly, a fun day for your DS is a good price to pay.

I'd probably back down from this one.

I’d stop them having him. It’s not the shit food so much as them lying and likely teaching him to lie.

Quite honestly , after reading your post I understand why parents make tell their adult children to take a hike. If you want professional standard day care pay for it. Just relax for goodness sake. I recall my MIL giving DD jelly & ice cream for breakfast. It didn't ruin her life, rot her teeth or make her fat. Nor did I mention it to MIL.

Honestly I'd just let it go. They won't be around forever and they sound like really involved, loving people. As your son grows up you'll be glad they are involved and are there to support and love him. I think you'll look back on this and be glad you let it go.

I think it's important you don't make too much of a big deal about food infront of your son, just let him know "that" food is treat food and he has it at grandparents as a treat. As long as he eats healthily the rest of the time he'll understand, but I don't think you should bang on about it, just lead by example at your home.

YABU

But not as much as putting him in nursery for a day, I bet.
I agree if you feel this strongly pay for 'proper' childcare not a fun time with grandma and grandad.

If you knew what FIL was like, why accept their kind offer of weekly childcare? There is another option which is paying for a childcare setting.
Your choice but you can't expect the moon on a stick!

@WanderingScotty I would feel very cross about this too.

All the posters saying it’s grandparents’ right etc, why not just respect the child’s parents’ wishes?!

I think the best way to deal with it is to ensure he eats very healthily with you. Which is a little unfair as they get to give him the ‘nice ‘ stuff. But overall it seems the best way. I’m with you though, i’d always respect my child’s wishes regarding their grandchild.

*my grandchild