Grandparents pleasing themselves

[WanderingScotty]

My MIL and FIL look after DS once a week and occasionally at the weekend and have done since he was 1 (now 4.5). (They used to look after him twice a week but we already reduced this because of this issue).

MIL and FIL are fantastic with DS in many ways - he loves spending time with them and they love having him. He’s very lucky to have them.

We have always had some “ground rules” for when they look after him - e.g watch sugar intake, limit screen time etc. It’s not strict, essentially everything in moderation and we just ask them to keep us informed so we can adapt as needed.

MIL and FIL would admit themselves they are not the healthiest of eaters and have no desire to change this. This has caused confusion in the past where they’ve given DS something they think is healthy but we wouldn’t think is (e.g ultra processed, low calorie). FIL also doesn’t take well to being told what to do and can sometimes be a bully (which I admit gets my back up and makes it hard for me to back down). MIL is very unconfrontational and will go along with anything even if she disagrees to avoid an argument (but will make subtle comments so we know if she doesn’t agree).

FIL wants free rein to do what he wishes with DS when they look after him. He wants to spoil DS as that’s “his right as a grandparent”. Mainly this is give him sweets, chocolate, ice cream etc, buy him any toy DS wants etc. Whilst we understand this to a degree FIL looks after DS too often to spoil him as much as he wants to. My mum also looks after DS and it’s not fair on her if she follows what we ask when she too would like to spoil him more. More importantly, this isn’t fair on DS as he gets confused or upset when there isn’t a consistent approach and takes sugar crashes after eating too much sugar.

DS is getting older and is able to understand and verbalise more. This afternoon, he came home and told us he had 3 chocolate treats which they hadn’t told us about. We asked them and they denied this. DS insisted he was telling the truth so we questioned them more.

FIL got defensive asking if we’d been quizzing DS after they’d left - we did but only after DS initially told us. This has led to a heated discussion tonight as FIL says he should be able to do what he wants, he’s raised 2 boys who turned out fine, DS is only with them one day, we’re imagining the sugar crashes etc. He also thinks we should trust them and not question them (despite saying he doesn’t want to go along with what we’re asking).

We have outlined the reasons we’re asking them to follow our rules. Ultimately he’s our son but we have them there because it’s what we think is best for him. MIL is agreeable but FIL is grudgingly backing down. It’ll likely raise its head again in a few months as this seems to be the way it goes.

AIBU for expecting them to follow our wishes or am I getting too bothered about it?

Oh, totally. They are on a par with war criminals really 😨

You're lucky they have him for you! It's not a right and they're doing you a massive favour in their retirement when they've finished having kids themselves. My parents barely had mine at all and we'd NEVER have swung a set day or even a fluid day in any given week. If you wish to have rules like this then I suggest a nursery or child minder.

I really don't think you're being unreasonable at all. It's only one day a week that they might consider switching to vege sticks and yoghurt as snacks, surely it's worth it to show support for DSs actual parents?

You're not being rigid, there's plenty of room for a bit of appropriate spoiling, but this is just sounding like FIL is deliberately sabotaging your guidelines.

There have been times when my parenting style crashed into my daughter's wishes and in the past I've phoned her to say (for example) that I'm no good with controlled crying, can I snuggle with GC while she falls asleep? The answer is always yes because we're both adults but I can't imagine lying to her. That's just bizarre, and a very good way to damage our relationship.

Grandparents spoil grandchildren ....

Youre being precious and unreasonable

@InShockHusbandLeaving no, clearly not, but they are damaging their GC's health and their relationship with their DC and DIL. Why would a good GP want to do that? These don't seem like great carers to me.

My own parents look after my DC once a week (their choice, I'd happily pay for nursery) and whilst they don't parent in the same way DH and I do, I know they truly have my DC's best interests at heart, and aren't just trying to be popular or take the easy route to make my life harder. Which is what these GP are doing.

Doesn't mean they're bad people, just not fit for childcare.

I wish mine had grandparents that actually look forward to have them and are such good support, I would just let it slide.

Christ l know. Honestly you couldn’t make it up. War crimes! It’s a appalling insult to anyone who has been traumatised by a war crime.

Putin, Hamas and Israel should just give out chocolate bars instead of rape, pillage, mass destruction and genocide.🙄

I shouldn’t laugh at that … but I did 😄

This I'm afraid

It absolutely is. I was also struck by both OP having food issues and the MIL clearly having struggles of her own with food and body image and the potential for hurt all round if this becomes too much of an issue. I think the plant based treats are a wonderful idea ( if it turns out there is an allergy) as it focuses the restrictions on something other than being judgmental about other peoples eating styles and just makes it medical - and still treats. Hopefully this might accommodate both ops concerns and gp’s desire to treat him.

On that last point, I do think people get a bit onto too high of a hobby horse about food as an indulgence/ token of love as the root of all health evils. Centuries of societies have had food at the heart of social traditions and as a way of coming together. It’s more the warped guilt around it now that creates cycles of binge and purge and restrictive diets. Other generations didn’t have our problems but they did enjoy food and see it as a way of nurturing and socialising and, yes, treating people. Much of the current situation stems from the restrictive attitudes that hardened around fats in the 1980s as the cause of heart disease and it was easy to also suggest they made you fat because … they sound like they do. Cue the addition of sugar to low fat items and away we all went with our restrictions and substitutes, food group restrictions etc. Basically any form of eating imbalance has been championed by someone at some point in the last 40 years. That’s where our food issues come from, not from fully enjoying it as a form of balanced sustenance and even celebration.

It really sounds like you are not being Unreasonable here going against the grain I know but we had to stop nanny babysitting twice because she gave ds a "milkshake" sounds fine doesn't it? He wasn't even one and the milkshake had a Mars bar and malteasers in it (ok? Not a disaster?) Ds was on a strict low suger diet (I mean at 8 months a Mars bar isn't ideal anyway) he "fell asleep" and when we returned she was desperately trying to wake him up and force yoghurt (I think) down his neck to counteract the suger we ended up on the phone to the hospital and nearly got admitted she KNEW how ill it could make him her husband is diabetic ffs it's not hard anyway thought she had learned but no we were over there with ds2 who is lactose intolerant and we had told her this she starts trying to put magic stars in his mouth I asked what are you doing? Oh its just a little it won't hurt DH said I was being rude so I allowed her to give him a couple told her she could give him a cuddle and he vomited all over her cream jumper and light carpet

She never babysat unsupervised again her husband was always in charge

Pay for your childcare if you want to be able to control how it’s carried out. I’d let this go OP.

She does pay for the childcare.

This isn't a suitable childcare arrangement and I think you need to start paying for childcare. The fact that your MIL is so passive, your FIL won't be told about food and presumably other things that matter and thinks he has 'grandparental rights' to do what he pleases, while also challenging the idea that a small child tells his mother things when he's been collected (well of course he does, and of course he should!! he should not be encouraged to keep secrets), all this actually puts your child's safety at risk. Getting a red flag from the FIL tbh.

For clarity, I do agree that small things should be let go when relations are looking after your children - pick your battles, and what you want or need to control, wisely. The same goes for playdates etc. BUT I don't think that what the OP is talking about is trivial, and the FIL's attitude is concerning.

Various grandparents looked after our children when they were little, not as a weekly childcare arrangement but for whole days, weekends and one set for 1-2 weeks once a year, and they did follow the major things that we set out. They wouldn't have dreamed of behaving like the FIL is or saying the things he has been saying.

Weirdly, although I agree with the previous posters, when I looked after my (many) grandchildren, I never gave them sweets/crisps/chocolate etc. I occasionally bought them a book, or some Lego as a treat, and always cooked a ‘proper’ meal, just to make it easier for hardworking parents! Maybe I was the unusual type of grandma, but then I didn’t buy much in the way of sweets for my own children. Just a meanie I suppose!!

Childcare is obviously very expensive nowadays, so I think that your son won’t be harmed by these ‘treats’ once a week.

Many posters seem to be heavily projecting their desire for their own parents to have their kids, but their parents choose not to for whatever reason and because of that, they believe OP should be grateful despite her paying them and compromising with them to no avail to make sure they have a relationship with their grandson when she could easily add another day into nursery yet she is in the wrong for thinking about the well-being of her own child.

It is not OP’s fault that some posters’ parents choose not to be involved with their grandchildren. I wouldn’t call her situation something to be grateful for or lucky when it sounds stressful trying to compromise with adults who think they have a right to do what they want because they’re the grandparents.

I hope the doctors are able to tell you what the cause of your son’s stomach issues are OP and your son gets better.

I THINK my son was exaggerating about what he had to eat. Hence why I wanted to check with in laws which turned into defensive response.

What worries me more about this is that they have potentially lied about this in front of my son. They’ve called him a liar.

I'm confused here - so who do you think is telling the truth? On the one hand, you say you think your son was exaggerating what he'd eaten at GP's, so if your little boy has exaggerated about what he's had to eat, then of course the in-laws will deny what isn't true! You couldn't expect them to do otherwise, could you? But you are then presenting them as in the wrong, by saying they've called your little boy a liar! This is rather over-dramatic, as surely if he is 'embroidering' the truth then you are wrong to present them as wrongdoers! You surely don't expect them to meekly admit to an over-exaggeration of the facts?

There seems to be rather a created drama going on here, and I'm pretty sure your little boy is picking up on it!

Let me give you a synopsis.

I read the OP.
I read a response to the OP that I agreed with. I quoted it with "this".
It was raised that the OP does pay the grandparents, a point that was nt present in the original post.
I altered my response to reflect this information.
Posters before you have expressed their horror at my not reading the rest of the OPs posts.
One of them rather nicely told/showed me how to view ALL of the OPs posts without having to wade through fuckknowshowmany pages.
Everything was resolved and concluded amicably.

You're late to the party. But thank you for your valued input. 🙏

You had me worried a bit with your headline but actually I am relieved it’s just sweets

I thought we were straying into ooer missus territory too! 😳

Personally I would refuse to take your son if I was being questioned about what he ate.

Is he with grandparents to save you two days childcare fees? I'm presuming this is the reason. You can try to enforce your rules by putting your child into wraparound care instead of with any grandparents. They will write out a diet sheet of what he ate all day. I think that arrangement would suit you a lot more.

YABVU.
My DM and DMIL have our DD one day a week (and DS one day a week prior to him starting school) each. I give them NO rules, no instructions, no overbearing micromanaging. I appreciate that I'm lucky they both look after her and as long as she's in one piece when she gets home I'm good with that. I certainly wouldn't question her repeatedly, what an awful thing to do to your child who I imagine would have just told you what they thought you wanted to hear by that point.

But do they feed your child 3 large bars of chocolate?

I never micromanaged either but my parents and in laws were sensible people.

You need to get a grip and you are being overzealous!!

This comes from a place of understanding - I cried when my MIL gave my 9 month old a tin of beans.

No amount of sugar, screen time or toys will cause lasting damage. Let grandparents do as they wish.

Our children’s time with grandparents is short but the memories last a life time.

Please back off and don’t ruin it for everyone.