Grandparents pleasing themselves

[WanderingScotty]

My MIL and FIL look after DS once a week and occasionally at the weekend and have done since he was 1 (now 4.5). (They used to look after him twice a week but we already reduced this because of this issue).

MIL and FIL are fantastic with DS in many ways - he loves spending time with them and they love having him. He’s very lucky to have them.

We have always had some “ground rules” for when they look after him - e.g watch sugar intake, limit screen time etc. It’s not strict, essentially everything in moderation and we just ask them to keep us informed so we can adapt as needed.

MIL and FIL would admit themselves they are not the healthiest of eaters and have no desire to change this. This has caused confusion in the past where they’ve given DS something they think is healthy but we wouldn’t think is (e.g ultra processed, low calorie). FIL also doesn’t take well to being told what to do and can sometimes be a bully (which I admit gets my back up and makes it hard for me to back down). MIL is very unconfrontational and will go along with anything even if she disagrees to avoid an argument (but will make subtle comments so we know if she doesn’t agree).

FIL wants free rein to do what he wishes with DS when they look after him. He wants to spoil DS as that’s “his right as a grandparent”. Mainly this is give him sweets, chocolate, ice cream etc, buy him any toy DS wants etc. Whilst we understand this to a degree FIL looks after DS too often to spoil him as much as he wants to. My mum also looks after DS and it’s not fair on her if she follows what we ask when she too would like to spoil him more. More importantly, this isn’t fair on DS as he gets confused or upset when there isn’t a consistent approach and takes sugar crashes after eating too much sugar.

DS is getting older and is able to understand and verbalise more. This afternoon, he came home and told us he had 3 chocolate treats which they hadn’t told us about. We asked them and they denied this. DS insisted he was telling the truth so we questioned them more.

FIL got defensive asking if we’d been quizzing DS after they’d left - we did but only after DS initially told us. This has led to a heated discussion tonight as FIL says he should be able to do what he wants, he’s raised 2 boys who turned out fine, DS is only with them one day, we’re imagining the sugar crashes etc. He also thinks we should trust them and not question them (despite saying he doesn’t want to go along with what we’re asking).

We have outlined the reasons we’re asking them to follow our rules. Ultimately he’s our son but we have them there because it’s what we think is best for him. MIL is agreeable but FIL is grudgingly backing down. It’ll likely raise its head again in a few months as this seems to be the way it goes.

AIBU for expecting them to follow our wishes or am I getting too bothered about it?

OP said this in her latest post:

*We approach food in a way that nothing is off the table but some things we have in moderation. We initially said this to GPs but DS was sometimes coming home without having a proper meal the whole day so we put in some guidance (e.g, no sweets if he doesn’t have his lunch, one savoury and one sweet snack, take him for an ice cream on a sunny day etc). This again was ignored so we compromised and said just let us know what he eats and we’ll adapt what he eats for the rest of the day/week (e.g. make sure he gets a substantial evening meal and no ice cream etc that day). That only works if they are honest with us.

This was in place before DS tummy issues but it does give us even more reason to want to know what he’s eating.

I’ve tried giving them food to give him but naturally he wants the yummy food they are having. If it was chocolate in addition to a decent lunch it wouldn’t be so bad but he will pass on his lunch then they fill him up on snacks. I’ve tried asking them to limit to a sweet thing once a day but this also wasn’t being respected.

I THINK my son was exaggerating about what he had to eat. Hence why I wanted to check with in laws which turned into defensive response.

What worries me more about this is that they have potentially lied about this in front of my son. They’ve called him a liar. It tells him it’s ok to lie about what you eat as the adults he trusts do. I also worry they are asking him to lie to hide things they are feeding him.*

Would you be really so livid in these circumstances?

I can understand that my son went through a stage of refusing to sit down for a meal. Just wanted to snack all the time on fruit and any snack he could get hold of. I had to hide all the snack and fruit from him and told anyone who looked after him to do the same. So he was actually hungry when we sat down to eat. But not everyone did. He has autism but had always been a healthy eater. So I do understand where she's coming from.

I’m amazed how many people think OP should ‘relax’. You seem like a sensible person to me OP.

If my child was fed 3 chocolate bars in one day on top of other sugary snacks (let’s say 3 Kit Kats - I’d be feeling sick after that!), I’d be fuming. My grandparents gave me treats and my parents do the same for their grandchildren but it’s all within reason. In OP’s case it sounds like it’s very clearly not - if it wasn’t about food but some other extreme behaviour, you’d surely would like to stop it?

I don’t understand why some grandparents confuse ‘spoiling their grandchildren’ with ‘stuffing them with sugar’.

Is/has your DH been overweight?

I’m puzzled now I’ve read more responses from posters outlining the horror inflicted on this poor child. Why would anyone let their child be cared for by a bully and his downtrodden wife, especially if they are wrecking their child’s health and calling him a lying little weasel or something similar? Better cut these monstrous individuals out of this child’s life surely? If a nanny was hired instead the parents could provide a well stocked fridge full of healthy vegetables etc that she can prepare fresh every mealtime. Doesn’t the child deserve that? Sod the love, family bond, fun etc.

responses from posters outlining the horror inflicted on this poor child

Its hardly a war crime.

Obviously YABU, but I’m more interested to see if anyone else read the title at first glance as Grandparents PLEASURING themselves 🤣

OP, ignore all the obtuse 'at least he has a grandad' and 'a sweet never hurt anyone' comments. You sound like a great mum and a considerate DIL who's trying to raise a healthy happy child, as I assume most parents are.

Your FIL sounds difficult, disrespectful and a bit idiotic on the food front.

If I was you I'd tell them that your son has stomach issues, and (if it is the case as would be likely) your GP says he needs to cut down on sugar, then have your DH tell them that, and to ask them directly to not give him any more treats. I imagine it being a medical issue rather than what the gps perceive as a power struggle is the way to go.

Then suggest other kinds of treats if they want - colouring books, lego, whatever.

Grandparents seem to have a weird thing about feeding their grandchildren snacks/treats!! I still remember MIL saying that she didn’t feel the need to hold dc as much as she wanted to before once she could start giving them snacks which I found quiet odd 🤷‍♀️😂 We always end up leaving their house with cookies/crisps ect. as well 🙈😂

It’s one day a week. It’s not as if he’s going there every day after school and you know his diet is crap on a daily basis.

You’re lucky that your son has grandparents that want to be so hands on and are giving you free childcare. Giving your son a few treats isn’t the end of the world, there could be much worse situations like they smoke around him or drink alcohol or swear constantly in his presence.

your son is going to grow up having lovely memories of his grandparents loving him and spoiling him.

let it be or pay for professional childcare.

OP, as a fellow, albeit former, eating disorder sufferer, I think you’re still in the grip of maladjusted ways of thinking about food. If you want to control your son’s diet very strictly you simply must remove him from his grandparents’ care and send him to nursery that day as well.

You sound so anxious about this issue that I’d be worried you were passing on, inadvertently I’m sure, your stress around food. Orthorexia is as much an eating disorder as any other and perhaps you can pass it on by proxy? If your in-laws are truly appalling individuals who are literally filling your child with ultra processed foods, more chocolate than Willie Wonka could dream of etc, then you must remove him from their care. If you or your DH have a difficult relationship with food, however, perhaps the problem is not as great as you fear?

It’s tantamount to one, surely?

And hopefully one day isn’t going to have any major effect.

I grew up in the 70s and 80s, and as anyone from that era will tell you we flew by the seat of our pants food wise, no harm done. Honestly just relax and go with the flow, if it really bothers you then pay for a childminder.

Seriously?😂

No offence but the extent of childhood obesity, % of diet that is highly processed etc has sky rocketed since the 70s. We are not living in the same world, food wise, as we were then. we’ve really got to help children managed the diets they are bombarded with.

🤣🤣🤣

I am on same boat at you, nanny looks after kids regularly (not put upon her, she wants to, we have offered to pay someone if it gets too much etc) and forever gives kids too much sugar and buys too many toys (100% not how she was as a parent! 🤣) Also, against my wishes, given this is a weekly thing not occasional, it's annoying, but I agree with pp to an the extent, it's suck it up or pay to send them elsewhere cos it's not worth the hassle of battling them when they are helping you out.
But I feel you're frustration!

For the umpteenth time SHE IS PAYING THEM!

This isn't worth the time you are spending. Your son is safe and happy. So grandparents are a bit over-indulgent? It's not the end of the world and is not something I'd want to make a fuss over. Chill.

So you mean that you actually didn't bother to read the OP's posts?

You're kidding right? The food in the 70's was basically one big E number stuffed with tons of sugar and salt! One day with the grandparents is not going to hurt this child and if the OP doesn't like it then she needs to pay for a child minder where she has total control of what he eats..

@WanderingScotty What has happened when you're DH has spoken to them?

At least he'll be going to school soon so they won't be able to over-indulge him quite so much.

Seriously? Well, no, not seriously. More trying to get my point over using hyperbole 😉

Oh no, why do we have an obesity crises? Oh no, the NHS is no longer coping.
But a few treats never hurt anyone....

Gently, OP, Your in laws are grandparents and not parents so you cannot expect them to conduct themselves in the same way as you.
If this is something you are firm on then I think you need to pay for childcare where they will be rigid with your wishes

I'm really surprised by the responses on this thread. Childhood obesity is at record levels and the snacks provided by GPs here sound crazy for anyone, let alone a young child. It wouldn't be so bad if it was a biscuit or slice of cake in the afternoon, in addition to healthy meals, but giving him multiple adult-sized chocolate bars to the extent he won't eat normal meals is actually setting him up for an unhealthy relationship with food in that he'll think it's better to fill up on crap.

OP I totally understand about not wanting to upset them by taking the day away, so in your shoes I would make up a reason about needing to prepare him for school and put him in pre-school/nursery an extra day. You can still visit the GPs very frequently so he gets that bonding and nice relationship, but under your supervision, so you can step in when the sugary treats escalate beyond reasonable amounts. Fair enough to treat grandkids like this on their birthday or at Christmas, but not on a weekly basis! IMO these GPs are simply not fit for childcare as they don't seem to actually care about his wellbeing, just about shutting him up and taking the easy route. The lying to you is also terrible.