Grandparents pleasing themselves

[WanderingScotty]

My MIL and FIL look after DS once a week and occasionally at the weekend and have done since he was 1 (now 4.5). (They used to look after him twice a week but we already reduced this because of this issue).

MIL and FIL are fantastic with DS in many ways - he loves spending time with them and they love having him. He’s very lucky to have them.

We have always had some “ground rules” for when they look after him - e.g watch sugar intake, limit screen time etc. It’s not strict, essentially everything in moderation and we just ask them to keep us informed so we can adapt as needed.

MIL and FIL would admit themselves they are not the healthiest of eaters and have no desire to change this. This has caused confusion in the past where they’ve given DS something they think is healthy but we wouldn’t think is (e.g ultra processed, low calorie). FIL also doesn’t take well to being told what to do and can sometimes be a bully (which I admit gets my back up and makes it hard for me to back down). MIL is very unconfrontational and will go along with anything even if she disagrees to avoid an argument (but will make subtle comments so we know if she doesn’t agree).

FIL wants free rein to do what he wishes with DS when they look after him. He wants to spoil DS as that’s “his right as a grandparent”. Mainly this is give him sweets, chocolate, ice cream etc, buy him any toy DS wants etc. Whilst we understand this to a degree FIL looks after DS too often to spoil him as much as he wants to. My mum also looks after DS and it’s not fair on her if she follows what we ask when she too would like to spoil him more. More importantly, this isn’t fair on DS as he gets confused or upset when there isn’t a consistent approach and takes sugar crashes after eating too much sugar.

DS is getting older and is able to understand and verbalise more. This afternoon, he came home and told us he had 3 chocolate treats which they hadn’t told us about. We asked them and they denied this. DS insisted he was telling the truth so we questioned them more.

FIL got defensive asking if we’d been quizzing DS after they’d left - we did but only after DS initially told us. This has led to a heated discussion tonight as FIL says he should be able to do what he wants, he’s raised 2 boys who turned out fine, DS is only with them one day, we’re imagining the sugar crashes etc. He also thinks we should trust them and not question them (despite saying he doesn’t want to go along with what we’re asking).

We have outlined the reasons we’re asking them to follow our rules. Ultimately he’s our son but we have them there because it’s what we think is best for him. MIL is agreeable but FIL is grudgingly backing down. It’ll likely raise its head again in a few months as this seems to be the way it goes.

AIBU for expecting them to follow our wishes or am I getting too bothered about it?

If I were your parents in law, I would immediately rescind all offers of free childcare. You sound awful.

I know.

So many threads like this and the parents who are trying to do their best are given a hard time.

On the bright side, we won't have a pensions crisis as all the kids will be dead from obesity and diabetes by age 50.

She’s paying them.

what the hell is this ? This is nothing but a lot of condescending tripe. The grandparents aren’t a couple of 5 year olds that need a lecture on all the basics in life . If my son or dil spoke to me in such a pathetic way , I’d tell them to look after him themselves. I mean, they already raised a kid, didn’t they ?

I get it my MIL was just like this my parents would give a mini bag of something maybe a small cake etc.
My son sick was the night he came back from my in-laws every week. I looked in her bag once and there were 5/6 bars of chocolate and cakes. He often got bought a second lunch after preschool and I found out on one occasion he had also had 2 slush puppies- he was 3/4.
He had severe reflux and allergies and they just totally ignored me. Because his speech was delayed they could get away with it.
It spread to other things like letting do stuff that wasn’t safe, cutting his hair etc.
I totally expect GPs to treat their GCs but not to the point of making them ill and completely disrespecting your requests.

To be honest, if I was a grandparent I'd try to accommodate the parents wishes. However it all looks different depending on where you stand. For example - I might think that cucumber and carrot sticks and hummus are fine and healthy, but my hypothetical DIL might think that they must be organic veg only, or that cucumber and carrots are not as healthy as something like kale, and only home-made, freshly made hummus with some very specific brands of ingredients from out of town health food shops is acceptable. In which case I'd think that was a bit OTT.

OK, it's not in the same league as chocolate/no chocolate, but maybe to your PIL it is sort of the same. To them, chocolate etc is "ordinary" food but to you, it's junk food that you'd rather your DC were limited on.

Could you agree at least on a limit to the chocolate etc with them?

Isn't this what grandparents do though?

Lighten up! It's one day a week

I’m sorry, but the sheer number of posters on here who think that it’s perfectly normal and harmless for a 4 year old to be fed three chocolate bars, a load of other snacks and a sugar laden lunch one day a week every week, is indicative of why a recent report showed that more than a fifth of children in the UK aged 5 are overweight or obese and nearly a quarter of 5 year olds in England have tooth decay.

Killing them? Seriously?

Be more original.

End the arrangement and pay for your own childcare, stop using them as babysitters at the weekend. Just so you are aware to do this will not only hurt them but hurt your Son but all the matters is that you get control 100%. Good luck

I'm with you OP. My parents told me they would do as they pleased because it was their right as GPs. By the time the kids were around 4 it all began to unravel badly. Kids were told things like 'Mummy will be angy if she knows you have had/done X, Y and Z, so best not to tell her'; 'it's a secret between us', etc). They also openly questioned our approach in order to defend their own: when the kids started asking why they were given X when at home we didn't have it, they would simply tell DC that it was fine/theirs was different and better/we just didn't understand. It applied to food, screens and presents. They were so focused on spoiling the kids to get their adoration that they did not think much about the implications of what they were doing.

We live quite far from each other so they would typically come and spend a a couple weeks with us two or three times a year, plus our visits there. It became a nightmare: the kids started fighting back on all fronts with 'but my GP lets me'. We always had a rough couple of weeks after each GP visit to get back to some sort of normality. It really complicated my relationship with my kids and certainly with them. We didn't have the different-houses-different-rules because we were under the same roof.

I should add the GP were not being 'used' for childcare. All of that was in place and GP often berated us if we insisted that the kids were not taken out of nursery/childminder/cancel their after-school activities every day when they were here. Again, the kids would be told that they could be having more fun with GP than with their regular set up (but that mummy and daddy insisted otherwise). All done with a smile and probably well meaning but ultimately corrosive.

OP: Try to find a compromise and make sure everyone is truly on board (not just say they are and then do something else). If you can't, then you may have to reassess how much time you spend together. A good relationship with GPs is absolutely precious but less so if it is based on undermining the one between the child and their parents or mainly based on 'treats'. I think of my own relationship with my own GPs, which many posters have mentioned: I had a spoiling granny (food, stuff) and a non-spoiling granny (neither but great company). I know which way I leaned when little but realised many things as a teen. As an adult, I only miss the latter; we grew a great bond and she never tried to 'buy' my affection.

Your DS has grandparents that adore him. Let it go.

When I’d go to my Granny’s I had Ribena, sweets, lovely food, that I look back on and remember clearly the treats she used to buy. I’d stuff my face. It’s fine, I’ve never been fat, my teeth haven’t fallen out. Calm down, you are making problems that aren’t there.

My kids have two sets of grandparents. One set adore them and spoil them, the other set are rigid and uptight. Guess which ones they prefer?

Drop it.

So this is not about the rights of grandparents to masturbate?

My late parents had both my nieces (now young adults) 3 days a week until they started school, then occasional days and again regularly in school holidays.

My parents' diet was a feckin' nightmare - My brother described our father as "part wasp" because of his sugar habit. My brother and his wife laid no conditions on the childcare because they knew it was unreasonable AND because they ate a very healthy diet at home.

Both girls are outstanding athletes and eat incredibly healthy diets. They enjoy a rare sweet treat.

It will not harm your child to be spoilt by the grandparents. Either accept it or pay for childcare.

My 1 year old goes to my MILs once a week. She has the tv on non stop and when I get there DD is usually munching on a biscuit. I draw the line at sweets because they're a choking hazard which MIL understands but I really can't wind myself up about the tv and biscuits because it's free childcare, it won't kill her for one day a week and I'm not going to fall out about it. In the nicest way possible I think you need to chill. I had sweets and chocolate hugely restricted as a child and now as an adult I massively covet unhealthy stuff and have an issue with knowing when to stop. I'm hoping by being more chilled out with it with DD she won't have the same issue.

I wouldn't be okay with this OP. No-one should be able to just "do what they want" with someone else's child. & "they already raised a kid" is bollocks, so did a load of people who were not great parents, so what. That said those things wouldn't bother me massively for one day except the toy buying, I'd be telling them anything DS gets from them needs to stay at theirs or will be donated. I tried hard not to have a load of stupid crap in my house or DC who expected a toy in every shop. It does depend on whether your DC is able to understand different rules for grandparents' house, if not I guess the screen time and food could make your life and DS's harder too, but it is only one day a week.
A lot of you sound like you'd hand your kid over to just about anyone for free childcare; they don't get to do what they want just because they're "kind enough" to look after them.

🤣🤣

I think your updates have been helpful in providing more balance. It's simply not a case of a few chocolates. It's junk food on top of further junk food. I can understand some, but not to the extent you have described. It sets a precedent. It also seems likely they're trying to be sneaky about it? Are they asking him to lie at all?

Given he also has stomach issues under investigation, it would be imperative for any caring grandparent to listen to dietary advice not ignore/fight it. I'm sorry OP but they are not providing loving/caring environment if they are feeding food which they knowingly understand will give him tummy issues. Chocolate contains milk- you allude to that possibly being an issue.

They can show love or spoil him in another way- take him out etc.

You've not mentioned you'd husbands stance on this at all. This is really his battle not yours.

You've tried to get them to listen- they don't. I would put him in nursery. Set boundaries before it gets worse and your child gets older and can take sides...It won't just be simple issues such as food.

I think your updates have been helpful in providing more balance.

They have and unfortunately, many posters have only read the first one, made very obvious by the comments.

They aren't 'spoiling' out of love! Otherwise all parents would spoil their children, who loves their children more than their actual parents!?

They're spoiling because it's easier.

They don't have to be the 'bad guy' enforcing boundaries and managing the fall out. They can buy his co-operation and shut him up by buying toys and treats all day long.

If any parent admitted to feeding and raising their children this way, they'd be absolutely crucified on Mumsnet.

They don't want to adequately parent your child, which is completely fair as they aren't his parents. However that means YANBU to limit their time with your child and not like the way they do things.

I was basically raised by my grandparents because my mum had to work very long hours, and without a shadow of a doubt I would not be the healthy, well rounded adult I am now without their input. They did not spoil me and my siblings in the slightest. I think at most we got a fig biscuit and a barley sugar 😂 I felt really loved and cared for, without all the sugar and toys.

No, you’re wrong. If all the children will be dead, as you say, then you’ll get no pension because it’s the following generations who are paying for previous generations pensions.

Yalu. Your son is happy there. It’s one day. If you don’t like it find other childcare

Have you told your son is OK to say 'no thanks' to the non-stop chocolate? And OK to ask for fruit or something else healthy? If he is mentioning it to you, maybe he's not enjoying it as much as they think.