Grandparents pleasing themselves

[WanderingScotty]

My MIL and FIL look after DS once a week and occasionally at the weekend and have done since he was 1 (now 4.5). (They used to look after him twice a week but we already reduced this because of this issue).

MIL and FIL are fantastic with DS in many ways - he loves spending time with them and they love having him. He’s very lucky to have them.

We have always had some “ground rules” for when they look after him - e.g watch sugar intake, limit screen time etc. It’s not strict, essentially everything in moderation and we just ask them to keep us informed so we can adapt as needed.

MIL and FIL would admit themselves they are not the healthiest of eaters and have no desire to change this. This has caused confusion in the past where they’ve given DS something they think is healthy but we wouldn’t think is (e.g ultra processed, low calorie). FIL also doesn’t take well to being told what to do and can sometimes be a bully (which I admit gets my back up and makes it hard for me to back down). MIL is very unconfrontational and will go along with anything even if she disagrees to avoid an argument (but will make subtle comments so we know if she doesn’t agree).

FIL wants free rein to do what he wishes with DS when they look after him. He wants to spoil DS as that’s “his right as a grandparent”. Mainly this is give him sweets, chocolate, ice cream etc, buy him any toy DS wants etc. Whilst we understand this to a degree FIL looks after DS too often to spoil him as much as he wants to. My mum also looks after DS and it’s not fair on her if she follows what we ask when she too would like to spoil him more. More importantly, this isn’t fair on DS as he gets confused or upset when there isn’t a consistent approach and takes sugar crashes after eating too much sugar.

DS is getting older and is able to understand and verbalise more. This afternoon, he came home and told us he had 3 chocolate treats which they hadn’t told us about. We asked them and they denied this. DS insisted he was telling the truth so we questioned them more.

FIL got defensive asking if we’d been quizzing DS after they’d left - we did but only after DS initially told us. This has led to a heated discussion tonight as FIL says he should be able to do what he wants, he’s raised 2 boys who turned out fine, DS is only with them one day, we’re imagining the sugar crashes etc. He also thinks we should trust them and not question them (despite saying he doesn’t want to go along with what we’re asking).

We have outlined the reasons we’re asking them to follow our rules. Ultimately he’s our son but we have them there because it’s what we think is best for him. MIL is agreeable but FIL is grudgingly backing down. It’ll likely raise its head again in a few months as this seems to be the way it goes.

AIBU for expecting them to follow our wishes or am I getting too bothered about it?

I’m intrigued by these children i.e. the ones who prefer a couple of lightly cooked Brussels sprouts to a chocolate HobNob. I’ve never met one. Are they available in cafés? Like the cafés that have kittens wandering about for the customers to stroke? Sort of sparkly unicorn children with big eyes that widen when organic quinoa is mentioned. I absolutely NEED to see them.

You are definitely not being unreasonable. Your child, your rules. As a granddad myself, I would never do anything that I knew was against my children's wishes. Stuffing your grandchildren full of sugar and junk food isn't some God-given right.
Your FIL had his go at parenting. If he now wants to be part of his grandchildren's lives, and of course he does and should, it has to be on your terms.

They love him and are spoiling him rotten, that’s what we would all hope grandparents would be like.

I totally understand your point of view, as I used to be exactly the same. I never said anything, just used to quietly seethe. Now mine are older, I’m glad I didn’t. He eats a healthy balanced diet with you, it won’t kill him to have extra sugar one day a week.

It can be hard, but with the benefit of hindsight, pick your battles.

He's happy, loved and safe.

YABU.

InShockHusbandLeaving Even kids can get sick of too much sugar. I've never have a sweet tooth, so even at that age I would have struggled with what op is describing.

Kids are fat now because they don't do enough exercise. One of my DD's friends is fat yet her parents go on about how 'healthy' they are - they're vegetarian, so no McDonalds etc. I agree that three chocolate bars would be too much but she wasn't clear in her OP what the treats were.
As I said before, my husband was brought up on sugar. Pancakes, chocolate and all sorts. He wasn't overweight. Nor was his sister. I can remember boys at school when I was young eating crisps for breakfast as they came into school. It's the lack of exercise that's the issue.

Dear god! It’s sweet treats not drugs! You seem obsessed with sugar. If he is safe and happy let them all have their own routine together. If you are that bothered, pay for childcare.

please don’t cause friction over a non issue. Life’s too short and your child is very lucky to have grandparents in his life that want and are able to care for him and treat him.

Yes, seriously. Sugar is a killer. Once kids get the taste for sugar and other unhealthy food, it is very difficult to get them off it.

Diabetes and obesity kills.

My nephew is like that. He's 15. He didn't even eat the cake at his own birthday party. He likes savoury 'treats' like crisps, but he seems to completely lack a sweet tooth.

OK so everybody who enjoys a Mars bars or a bag of sweets Is heading towards obesity and diabetes and "your way: is the only way to live ?

I think there is a tacit agreement in most families that the parents wishes have to be respected. One day a week is a lot. I remember when my niece and nephew were tiny my parents following instructions that they were 🙄 about. They were fed baby food till they were about 2 for example. Mum was like ‘I get on with my DIL and it’s the way I want it to continue’.

MIL went through dd1’s full menu as a baby me. She eats healthily, cooks well and realised I was puzzled/ not entirely engaging 😂 and stopped doing it. I don’t think she did it at all for dd2.

But equally if they are offering free childcare it makes it tricky to dictate. It’s whether you can put up with it for the next 8 months as it doesn’t sound like they are going to change.

Don’t have them look after him for your convenience any more. Sort out your own childcare.

You are far too anal, controlling and above all deeply ungrateful!

Calm down. It’s one day in seven!!

My kids walk into my parents house and go straight to the treat tin! They don’t do that at home. So they’re clearly able to tell the difference between different households have different rules.

I agree if it was daily sweets then it’s a different matter, but my kids see grandparents once or twice a week ish, so I don’t get too worked up about it.

My own grandparents used to look after me after school one day a week and always brought a packet of smarties or similar with them from the shop.

I must say that I do the screen thing with dogs,but I do ensure we watch stuff with an educational aspect such as nature programmes, once we watched a programme about engineering failures and he was fascinated.

It is grandparent privilege to spoil the grandchildren

In your shoes op I would say that both sets of grand parents can have some sort of rota. Once week he can have a small pocket money toy OR a chocolate bar OR a happy meal from from each set of grand parents. So this week your mum might buy him a pocket money toy and your DHs dad might take him for a burger. Give them the illusion of choice but with limits.

My Nan totally spoiled us as children. She bought me a PONY! Every Saturday she took me on the train or bus into town and bought me a food in a greasy spoon, then a bag of crispy sugar coated nuts, a quarter of white chocolate fish and chips or foil coated footballs and we would go and feed the ducks her stale bread. Then we would have fish and chips for dinner and the following morning I got porridge loaded with golden syrup on top. Spending time with her doing these things are the happiest memories I've got and I treasure them dearly.

Your child will remember forever that nanny and grandad lied. And that he raised that with you. I personally think you need to unclench as if this happens again he's going to feel incredibly torn between you and his grand parents and that's unfair for such a small person. Her isn't ready for that responsibility so completely stop discussing this in front of him.

I had a nanny who did this on the sly. I was furious when I found out. I can tell you that sitting through the sessions with the dentist while they filled three second teeth was not good for either me or my child. It turned out there was something wrong with their enamel and they were more vulnerable than normal. My parents and my in-laws would never have done this. They wanted their grandchildren to be the best versions of themselves, rather than stuffing them full of junk food on a regular basis. Yes they were loved but you don't need to proffer a range of unhealthy food to show that love. My mother was the strictest of the grandparents and they adored her.

It was interesting to read your updates OP as it did fill in a lot of things I had sensed, namely that you have some issues around food that go beyond normal cautious parenting.

It was also interesting to note your update feelings about MIL being heavy and the other grandchild.

I think you have to think very hard here about what’s most important. Your DC is going there because you think it benefits him to have the loving input and family connection. I don’t disagree at all.

You do however have to balance that against the dietary issues.

This gets a bit trickier as on the one hand you are talking about them giving him “ processed foods “ which, while you are perfectly entitled - maybe wise - to avoid these in your own home, is being controlling and hyper when he is with someone else. No they aren’t ideal, but he’s only there one day a week. I don’t much like some of the things our dcs get at school, but it’s more important they learn to fit in and accept the whole world doesn’t follow mummy’s private food agendas. They go, they sit down, they eat with the others and while the meals aren’t always perfectly in line with my nutritional ideals, I would rather they had a normal childhood and learned social skills around fitting in and not being overly precious or expecting constant exceptional treatment ( obviously an actual allergy or something really harmful like a mountain of candy floss daily would be different). A few chocolate biscuits and some pudding when visiting grandparents is, to my mind, part of childhood . Three chocolate bars in one visit is, however, quite full on, and if this really is happening on top of puddings etc every time it is veering towards the daily pile of candy floss example.

For that reason ( that these two examples are quite far apart) I find it a bit hard to discern how reasonable you are being. Were they standard Mars bar type chocolate bars, or mini bars or what?

My instinct is that you have some deep seated issues around food and body image and, while it is fine to encourage healthy eating, I think you need to be aware of tainting your DC’s enjoyment of time with loving family with pejorative views like be careful not to end up like big fat granny or fat cousin. Yes, bodily health is important but so is emotional health and the development of healthy attitudes towards ourselves and others.

I think you need to be very honest with yourself as to whether as a once weekly visit it really is anything truly detrimental. Children eat treats. It’s part of childhood. Yes it needs limiting, but balance is everything.

It’s clear your FIL is feeling aggravated by your stance and I wouldn’t be posting honestly if I didn’t say I think there is a distinct risk you are coming across as controlling, neurotic and actually quite judgmental of larger family members in your DH’s family. I think it would be a shame to end up damaging a relationship that sounds loving and supportive in a world where many children lack that sort of healthy family stability just so that DC dodges some chocolate biscuits and processed foods once a week.

No, but giving toddlers chocolate and sweets is so damaging because they get a taste for sugar and soon it will be all they want to eat.

There is a big difference between an adult having a mars bar and a toddler.

This treat culture that grandparents seem obsessed by has gotten out of hand. It is as if stuffing a child full of sweets and chocolates is treating them, when it is actually killing them.

He’s 3!! He totally won’t remember!!!

Jesus. Why don't you say thank you to them? How about that? I have zero support and would love my wonderful mother in law and father in law to be here to spoil my children. I would be thanking them profusely. It isn't easy looking after kids and you really don't realise just how lucky you are, to be frank.

That is 14% of his life that he is being stuffed with rubbish that will kill him. And then what about when he goes to parties which are so common now? He will eat lots of crap there too.

But the main point is that he will want to eat crap at home too. That is the real issue and the poor OP will have to deal with it.

TBH think your being a bit OTT. You (and he) are very lucky to have them. Pick your battles and brush his teeth well. He will be grown up so quickly

Love your typo. I'm thoroughly delighted by the image of you lining up a row of dogs in front of the telly to watch educational engineering programmes

Good post by Calliopespa. I find it interesting how polarised this thread has become. There's hyperbole on both sides - those emotionally defending the GPs and those declaring that the chocolate is going to 'kill' the boy [WTF?] Food is obviously a flashpoint for more people than just the OP.