Grandparents pleasing themselves

[WanderingScotty]

My MIL and FIL look after DS once a week and occasionally at the weekend and have done since he was 1 (now 4.5). (They used to look after him twice a week but we already reduced this because of this issue).

MIL and FIL are fantastic with DS in many ways - he loves spending time with them and they love having him. He’s very lucky to have them.

We have always had some “ground rules” for when they look after him - e.g watch sugar intake, limit screen time etc. It’s not strict, essentially everything in moderation and we just ask them to keep us informed so we can adapt as needed.

MIL and FIL would admit themselves they are not the healthiest of eaters and have no desire to change this. This has caused confusion in the past where they’ve given DS something they think is healthy but we wouldn’t think is (e.g ultra processed, low calorie). FIL also doesn’t take well to being told what to do and can sometimes be a bully (which I admit gets my back up and makes it hard for me to back down). MIL is very unconfrontational and will go along with anything even if she disagrees to avoid an argument (but will make subtle comments so we know if she doesn’t agree).

FIL wants free rein to do what he wishes with DS when they look after him. He wants to spoil DS as that’s “his right as a grandparent”. Mainly this is give him sweets, chocolate, ice cream etc, buy him any toy DS wants etc. Whilst we understand this to a degree FIL looks after DS too often to spoil him as much as he wants to. My mum also looks after DS and it’s not fair on her if she follows what we ask when she too would like to spoil him more. More importantly, this isn’t fair on DS as he gets confused or upset when there isn’t a consistent approach and takes sugar crashes after eating too much sugar.

DS is getting older and is able to understand and verbalise more. This afternoon, he came home and told us he had 3 chocolate treats which they hadn’t told us about. We asked them and they denied this. DS insisted he was telling the truth so we questioned them more.

FIL got defensive asking if we’d been quizzing DS after they’d left - we did but only after DS initially told us. This has led to a heated discussion tonight as FIL says he should be able to do what he wants, he’s raised 2 boys who turned out fine, DS is only with them one day, we’re imagining the sugar crashes etc. He also thinks we should trust them and not question them (despite saying he doesn’t want to go along with what we’re asking).

We have outlined the reasons we’re asking them to follow our rules. Ultimately he’s our son but we have them there because it’s what we think is best for him. MIL is agreeable but FIL is grudgingly backing down. It’ll likely raise its head again in a few months as this seems to be the way it goes.

AIBU for expecting them to follow our wishes or am I getting too bothered about it?

Sorry you're being completely OTT, he's safe and happy dont' sweat the small stuff. Is he an only child? This is the kind of thing you totally let go of once you have more than one!

NoOrdinaryMorning · Today 00:40
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I wonder if everyone would be responding differently if OP's child had a serious allergy or intolerance”

Irrelevant, they don’t.

You are getting some really harsh replies OP and I find it bizarre. I think your mention of an ED history is throwing people, but it's a a bit of a red herring- as even without any history of ED, any loving responsible parent doesn't want their child fed excessive amounts of junk food and acquiring a taste for it. Early childhood nutrition is incredibly important. You are the parent and they are ignoring you and making your life harder. And you're paying them too! I would give them notice, tell them your son will be going to nursery that day instead. Hopefully that will shock them into realising that you're serious and they'll change their ways. If not, it'll be better for him to go to a formal childcare setting that day and he can just see the GPs at weekends, that way the junk won't have such an impact.

Obviously you're completely right and they're completely wrong. Hiding junk food, lying and going against parent's direct wishes can't be excused, and nutrition is incredibly important. But they won't stop so it's put up with it or stop unsupervised visits.

ImNotAsThinkAsYouDrunkIAm · Today 07:52
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I’m generally in favour of ‘pick your battles’, but on the other hand I’m imagining the post when this child starts school and the school nurses says he’s overweight, and then all the mumsnet posters come along analysing how many grams of protein he’s getting and picking apart the OP for giving him white bread or cereal bars. (We’ve all seen those threads….). Several bars of chocolate one day every week is a lot, and means the OP will feel less able to treat him herself, or as she said, her own parents can’t do the same”

An active child who eats healthily 6 days per week but has processed food and some chocolate on one is unlikely to be overweight.

Either you deem them fit to look after your child or you don't.

It seems unlikely that they are going to follow your rules whether you like it or not, and trying to force them is probably only just going to result in never ending rows.

So if you want them looked after a certain way probably best to get them looked after somewhere else.

Headshoulders · Today 09:00

I agree with OP, think of his teeth”

Children eating sugary snacks once a week is unlikely to cause decay in and of itself. A poor oral hygiene routine/genetic disposition/lack of access to dental care is.

I’d be careful. From what you are saying there is obesity in the part of the family. Spoiling and having less rules and grandparents is one thing but if their lifestyle leads to obesity, that is something you don’t want for your DC, I’d be worried even about one day as it is REGULAR. It’s easier to make a child eat chocolates than carrots.

To take it to an extreme, shortening ones life by feeding them diet that will make them unhealthy is not love.

This thread is just bizarre. No wonder the UK has such an obesity problem. People are treating chocolate like something holy, and calling the OP a 'precious madam' for caring about her child's healthy nutrition?! What am I reading??

If the grandparents wanted to 'spoil' their grandchild, why can't they cook with him? Get him some really lovely fruit? Or take him on super fun days out? Read with him? Give him lots of attention? Those are things that are actually loving and nurturing, not undermining the child's health and development.

There's no such thing as a sugar rush by the way. My husband is from a country where people eat chocolate for breakfast, and they manage perfectly fine.
I'd love to see my inlaws faces if I moaned at them for giving my children three chocolates - the horror.

I'm glad there's some grandparents on this thread with common sense showing it is completely possible to have a great relationship with your grandchildren without feeding them endless junk and sugar. It's really not unreasonable to feed a child a balanced diet over a day and include a couple of "treat" foods within that (for lack of a better word because I dislike viewing certain food as golden, exciting fun treats rather than something neutral that's part of a balanced diet).

This thread has got me wondering whether the people who insist that stuffing a child with junk and snacks is a sign of love and harmless spoiling also view their own food intake through an emotional lens and/or whether they're also feeders with their own friends and family.

Put him in proper childcare.

THey're not doing what you've asked, they're feeding him crap (OVER feeding him crap), and ignoring your requests.

Put him in proper childcare.

You have PFB Syndrome. Unclench.

This is the risk you take when you opt for free childcare from relatives. You sound controlling and ungrateful. And a bit of a nightmare tbh.

OP wrote:

Just to add, DS has stomach issues which are under investigation with GP. Tomorrow he is getting bloods taken. We think it’s dairy related but not sure and we are keeping a watch on what he’s eating to understand any links.

Not irrelevant imo.

OP is paying them. She said that in a previous post.

Don't like how they look after him then pay for childcare. You can't have it both ways.

The problem is it sounds like the OP is relying on them for free childcare, so really all she can do is find an alternative source of childcare.

Also, I don’t think there is any suggestion that they aren’t also reading with him and going on fun days out and giving him lots of attention.

If he is being investigated for medical issues then I think it is perfectly reasonable to set some clear boundaries and to track his food and drink so any correlating problems can be identified.
Otherwise, to quote a pp, unclench. But I do recognise that it's a difficult balance to encourage a close relationships with grandparents when some of their behaviours are damaging. Food is a lot easier to manage than toxic treatment between siblings for example so it's worth having some perspective on the scale of the issue you really have.

I'm also Team OP. You having had an ED or the PILs getting paid or not, do not alter my views at all.
My parents are exactly the same: food is love. If I'd let them watch my kids, all meals would be bad (Ultra processed, hardly any veg (and certainly not 'fresh' or 'varied') and lots of sugary snacks. I grew up there and unlike other posters on this thread, I do have lifelong issues with my weight because of this.
And I do think it is naïve to say that children will be able to distinguish between different situations (at home, at GPs etc.). They will get lots of foods that they wouldn't be exposed to at any other location and they will start to associate food with rewards and comfort as well.
I see the analogy with screens and screen addiction. My two eldest never had screens in their lives until age 10. My two youngest grew up with screens and they are completely hooked on them. I see daily that the two youngest have much more trouble with imaginative play and can stare at screens (if I don't stop them!) for hours on end.

That doesn't answer why the grandparents shouldn't be expected to also care about the grandchildren's health?

If I were a grandparent, I imagine I'd have as much of an interest in supporting the child's healthy development as the parents do?

I don't get the equation of 'feeding excessive unhealthy food' = 'love'
It makes zero sense
If you love the child, you put in the extra work to ensure they eat well - thats caring

Exactly or that’s the only type of way to show love.

So many threads like this about idiotic grandparents who are quite happy to kill their grandkids with unhealthy food.

I am so ashamed of my generation. The poor kids and poor parents who are fighting a losing battle trying to get their kids to eat healthily only to be undermined by the grandparents when it is so difficult anyway.

What does 3 chocolate treats mean just 3 chocolate coins or 3 mini eggs or something or 3 full sized chocolate bars?