Grandparents pleasing themselves

[WanderingScotty]

My MIL and FIL look after DS once a week and occasionally at the weekend and have done since he was 1 (now 4.5). (They used to look after him twice a week but we already reduced this because of this issue).

MIL and FIL are fantastic with DS in many ways - he loves spending time with them and they love having him. He’s very lucky to have them.

We have always had some “ground rules” for when they look after him - e.g watch sugar intake, limit screen time etc. It’s not strict, essentially everything in moderation and we just ask them to keep us informed so we can adapt as needed.

MIL and FIL would admit themselves they are not the healthiest of eaters and have no desire to change this. This has caused confusion in the past where they’ve given DS something they think is healthy but we wouldn’t think is (e.g ultra processed, low calorie). FIL also doesn’t take well to being told what to do and can sometimes be a bully (which I admit gets my back up and makes it hard for me to back down). MIL is very unconfrontational and will go along with anything even if she disagrees to avoid an argument (but will make subtle comments so we know if she doesn’t agree).

FIL wants free rein to do what he wishes with DS when they look after him. He wants to spoil DS as that’s “his right as a grandparent”. Mainly this is give him sweets, chocolate, ice cream etc, buy him any toy DS wants etc. Whilst we understand this to a degree FIL looks after DS too often to spoil him as much as he wants to. My mum also looks after DS and it’s not fair on her if she follows what we ask when she too would like to spoil him more. More importantly, this isn’t fair on DS as he gets confused or upset when there isn’t a consistent approach and takes sugar crashes after eating too much sugar.

DS is getting older and is able to understand and verbalise more. This afternoon, he came home and told us he had 3 chocolate treats which they hadn’t told us about. We asked them and they denied this. DS insisted he was telling the truth so we questioned them more.

FIL got defensive asking if we’d been quizzing DS after they’d left - we did but only after DS initially told us. This has led to a heated discussion tonight as FIL says he should be able to do what he wants, he’s raised 2 boys who turned out fine, DS is only with them one day, we’re imagining the sugar crashes etc. He also thinks we should trust them and not question them (despite saying he doesn’t want to go along with what we’re asking).

We have outlined the reasons we’re asking them to follow our rules. Ultimately he’s our son but we have them there because it’s what we think is best for him. MIL is agreeable but FIL is grudgingly backing down. It’ll likely raise its head again in a few months as this seems to be the way it goes.

AIBU for expecting them to follow our wishes or am I getting too bothered about it?

in your shoes I’d feed DC with a solid healthy meal at your house first before sending a packed lunch with him to grandparents. Would expect them to give a treat but as long as you eat healthily the majority of the time it should be ok.

your mum, I’d explain that he is allowed one treat with her during her day, she can choose what ever she likes. A cafe visit or ice cream van.

Ignore the posters saying you're being anxious - it's clear this isn't trying to stop a grandparent giving a child a biscuit once a week.

You have two obese grandparents giving a child 3 chocolate bars on top of sugary meals every time they see him. You have seen this pattern lead to obesity in their other grandchild who was given the same. This isn't an imaginary issue. It's a very real health concern.

I also entirely understand the seperate issue that it's not fair on your mum who follows your rules to be seen as the 'boring' grandparent and your in-laws the 'fun' grandparents. If your mum followed the same route as them then and god forbid you wanted to be able to give your child something sweet every now and then, suddenly their diet is full of sweets and chocolate.

It's selfish on your in-laws part and is modelling terrible food behaviours. You wouldn't accept this from a childcare setting so don't accept it from in-laws. Especially as you're paying them!!! I will never understand grandparents being paid for looking after a grandchild (unless it's directly taking away from other paid work they would be doing). If they expect to be paid like employees then they follow the rules.

My child's health is a hill to die on for me. So I would arrange alternative childcare and allow their contact to be as grandparents, when you are around and able to avoid these issues. Life is too short to have repeated arguments when they can be avoided.

I loved staying with my grandparents. It's the absolute happiest memories of my childhood. My Gran is in her 90s and still makes my favourite foods/buys treats when I visit. I love her so, so much.

It's crazy taking loving grandparents away from a child over this.

She pays them...

I don't have an eating disorder and I think they're being excessive!

Just to add we have a relative who feeds my kids nothing healthy (crisps, ice cream, chocolate, sweets, doughnuts, chips) and the kids find it funny and see it in context as just being one day of eating rubbish and not normal or healthy. They have no expectations to be fed like this at home.

Read this thread title as "Grandparents pleasuring themselves" and was disappointed.

If you don't like it , then don't send him there . You can put him in a childminder , and give them a list of permitted foods .
He won't enjoy himself as much , and won't be loved there as much but at least you will know your rules have been stuck to .

I had DGP with differing levels of income and ideas and I absolutely understood even when I was young that it was different when with them both and different at home.

One set without fail gave me lots of chocolate, took me on holiday and bought me things. The other set didn't but spent time with me baking, in the garden, readinggoing on the bus for days out. I valued everything about all the time I spent with both sets and I still remember certain things I did. I never saw it as a difference in income I just saw it as my DGPs and they were different people.

Apparently my DF would say occassionally to not spoil me but they did!

When my DS was small he understood that he could have anything he wanted from his DF but that didn't translate at home.

I do think spoiling in whatever way is part of the DGP DGC bond.

I wouldn't be upset about this. It is so valuable to have a good relationship with your DGPs.

@Nanny0gg sounds full of good sense. OP I’m a grandma and follow the lead my daughter sets on food, screens etc. it’s bad manners not to and your FIL sounds insufferable.

put your child first but might be worth researching alternative arrangements if only as a back up.

do what your gut tells you is right.

These grandparents are so amazing. Not sure is treat going to ruin your whole life's child , he probably runs it off. Fil is basically the grandad of the boy whose dad is his own son. From a specific point of view , I can see how much pride he gets in treating him well

I wish you could read this post when your DS is and adult and your FIL and MIL are no
longer around.
You are being pathetic, sorry.
Of course many of us had grandparents like it, I did, so did kids.
My DS , now strapping adults who
work their socks off, are well mannered and well adjusted, used to get " spoilt " rotten weekly at grandparent's house.
Breakfast would be frosted cornflakes with cream, treats galore, every trip to Early Learning Centre or Woolworths involved getting a toy.
Activities took place I wouldn't approve of at all , like shooting airgun at targets in orchard. Carving stuff with army knives.
Endless watching of TV.
Staying up late.
My grandparents were the same.
Gosh the fond memories of a happy, carefree, loving environment that was the opposite of home.
There we had no sweets, only at Christmas and Easter, presents only for Birthdays and Christmas.
Parents plan: restraining from spoiling us to keep us grounded and healthy.
Reading about your inlaws makes me nostalgic and think about the lovely grandparents one was lucky to have.
They ( grandparents ) probably had the opposite childhoods too, especially post war, hence the spoiling.
Get a grip OP, your DS is lucky to have them

How much physical activity is he doing there to compensate for all the sugar they are feeding him? What activities do they do with him?

Are they the type that takes your child out to the play areas, help them do different jobs, run errands, or is he mainly sat in front of the tv?

The trade off for free childcare is they get to make some decisions about how your child is cared for. Making a drama about chocolate treats is OTT.

I think your strictness trying to control his food will be more harmful than grandparents offering him treats once a week.
If there is not such a big deal made of it he might refuse the biscuits. You could give him a lunch box with some fruit, veg if you think that better he might opt to snack on that.
Few years he going to be able source his own treats so better him to have understanding what to pick himself.
Grandparents doing a great job, a big commitment to mind child regularly. Must me frustrating for them having to follow 'rules'.
I think if you trust someone to mind your kids let them do it way they see fit. If you not happy don't leave them in their care.

OP literally says:

I do pay them for helping out although this isn’t a financial thing and don’t have a problem putting DS to nursery for the additional day.

Not sure how don’t feed a child junk food all day is a hard rule.

I see you're point entirely. It really grating they can't follow simple rules. My inlaws never take care of my kids because this happens every time we visit.

Kids were not even 1yrs old and chocolates, sweets, crisps, ice creams, endless toys, fizzy drinks were out on tables, for to help themselves.

Hours of gently explaining got no where. The kids are always high on sugar and not interested in meals at meal time at thier house.
So G parents proceed to entice kids to food with screens!

Now DC2 has allergy and still they fail to comply with this. They are very educated in the matter sil(28)(lives at home and is treated like a baby) has endless allergies and the entire lot are very strict with her diet and physical exposure to her allergens.

If yours are physically harming your DC with bad food, bad manners, poor child activities, then look elsewhere for childcare.

If its minor treats, but more then you'd like, suck it up. Family relations are life lasting, creating strong bonds is priceless. If you're child is happy, loved, well cared for - I'd rather it be Family then nursery.

I get its hard, esp when you do things so well your way. Just remember your mum, no one can replicate you.

YANBU OP. I really don't understand this trope of 'grandparents are meant to spoil their grandchildren'. Surely the grandparents also care about the child's health??! Why should anyone have the 'right' to damage a child's health and relationship with food?

I sympathise, my MiL is a bit like this....she's a big 'feeder' and my husband has similar confusion about what is healthy/not healthy 🙄 but ultimately, I agree with PPs that there isn't much you can do, other than keep reinforcing your values when he is with you and give him exposure to healthy food as much as possible. I think is probably quite a common conflict in families where people have different backgrounds/relationships with foods and also material things. My husband's DM is a feeder, is quite big, some health issues and seems to spend a lot of time just sitting in her armchair. She is a similar age to my parents and they find it a bit weird as they are pretty healthy and big walkers, both slim, no preventable health problems. My dh's entire family is big.. and I don't think they realise they are condemning themselves to a shorter life expectancy and if anyone feels tired, the answer always seems to be 'just rest' rather than - maybe try moving or getting fresh air? Things I grew up with as the norm. The other thing MiL does is just buy tons of STUFF - excessive amounts, again really alien to me.

Sorry to sidetrack, but yeah I get it. I don't think you're being ridiculous but I do think it's an uphill battle and you just need to try and expose your son to a broader range of experience so as he grows up hopefully he sees the benefits of not just eating loads of crap all the time. Ultimately, they sound like loving, caring grandparents and that is worth it's weight in gold.

At this stage (4.5yo) it seems rather pointless to cause an argument - I assume he'll be at school in September? I'm which case it's just going to be the odd weekend treat. He's also old enough to understand that different houses have different rules, so just talk to him about it.

It must be tough that they don't care for your boundaries. You obviously want them to have a good relationship with their grandchild but not spoil him too much because they are with him so often. But as they soon wont be with him often I wouldn't rock the boat too much.

My mum help out a lot with our kids. She tells my dad off for sneaking them chcolate biscuits, but he never does it if there's a meal due in an hour or so. It's It's grandparent's perogative to do a bit of spoiling, but they have to keep it in moderation.

Absolutely this.

I miss my grandma so much. My own parents are dead and never even met my kids.

What a precious madam you sound op.

Normally I'd be in the leave them to camp too but what jumps out at me in your OP is your FIL's bullish attitude. That whole 'I'll do what I want' bullshit really boils my piss, especially when you're not asking much. He actually sounds a lot like mine who, thankfully, we don't see anymore.

This is hard. I agree with the statement above- but it takes two to tango. You shouldn't be getting to uptight about this, for reasons stated above, and its only one day a week. Rules have to be flexible, and yet, FIL seems to be deliberately breaking them by the bucketload, probably as a reaction to said rules. Which is very wrong of him.

I'd discuss this with dh first, and agree on a strategy. Then ask to speak to grandparents alone (arrange for ds to be at a friends), and say CALMLY that you understand they want to spoil him, as is natural, and you don't want to impose very strict rules- but that you must insist on them respecting your wishes overall. That you love them and are so happy ds so enjoys his time with them, and you are very grateful- but that there is a limit beyond which you want go. And that very sadly, if that can't be respected, you will have to find alternatives.

It's very sad and oh so so so un-necessary. What a shame.

I know some parents who have gps looking after gcs 5 days a week and have a very long written list of dos and don'ts, timings, etc, which is way over the top and just not fair- ridiculous even. Which is not the case here.

Or .. let it go. It's one dy a week, and make provisions for nursery from Easter- saying he will benefit from interaction with other children in preparation for school.

Jesus, just read your updates. Bloody hell.