Grandparents pleasing themselves

[WanderingScotty]

My MIL and FIL look after DS once a week and occasionally at the weekend and have done since he was 1 (now 4.5). (They used to look after him twice a week but we already reduced this because of this issue).

MIL and FIL are fantastic with DS in many ways - he loves spending time with them and they love having him. He’s very lucky to have them.

We have always had some “ground rules” for when they look after him - e.g watch sugar intake, limit screen time etc. It’s not strict, essentially everything in moderation and we just ask them to keep us informed so we can adapt as needed.

MIL and FIL would admit themselves they are not the healthiest of eaters and have no desire to change this. This has caused confusion in the past where they’ve given DS something they think is healthy but we wouldn’t think is (e.g ultra processed, low calorie). FIL also doesn’t take well to being told what to do and can sometimes be a bully (which I admit gets my back up and makes it hard for me to back down). MIL is very unconfrontational and will go along with anything even if she disagrees to avoid an argument (but will make subtle comments so we know if she doesn’t agree).

FIL wants free rein to do what he wishes with DS when they look after him. He wants to spoil DS as that’s “his right as a grandparent”. Mainly this is give him sweets, chocolate, ice cream etc, buy him any toy DS wants etc. Whilst we understand this to a degree FIL looks after DS too often to spoil him as much as he wants to. My mum also looks after DS and it’s not fair on her if she follows what we ask when she too would like to spoil him more. More importantly, this isn’t fair on DS as he gets confused or upset when there isn’t a consistent approach and takes sugar crashes after eating too much sugar.

DS is getting older and is able to understand and verbalise more. This afternoon, he came home and told us he had 3 chocolate treats which they hadn’t told us about. We asked them and they denied this. DS insisted he was telling the truth so we questioned them more.

FIL got defensive asking if we’d been quizzing DS after they’d left - we did but only after DS initially told us. This has led to a heated discussion tonight as FIL says he should be able to do what he wants, he’s raised 2 boys who turned out fine, DS is only with them one day, we’re imagining the sugar crashes etc. He also thinks we should trust them and not question them (despite saying he doesn’t want to go along with what we’re asking).

We have outlined the reasons we’re asking them to follow our rules. Ultimately he’s our son but we have them there because it’s what we think is best for him. MIL is agreeable but FIL is grudgingly backing down. It’ll likely raise its head again in a few months as this seems to be the way it goes.

AIBU for expecting them to follow our wishes or am I getting too bothered about it?

Would it be helpful to point out the specific health issues your DH has as a result of this way of parenting and highlight you don’t want your son to suffer from those?

If they’re aren’t any, YABU as they obviously raised him okay and know what they’re doing…

The OP had/has an eating disorder. Should she also go through her own parent’s parenting style to see if the route cause lies there and how her parent’s contributed to it? A little overweight is certainly not as bad as a full blown eating disorder.

YANBU

Wouldn’t be happy with this amount of chocolate or their attitude, especially the flat out denial of what your 4 year old told you about his day.

IME people who regularly mind young DC do need to be on same page with choc/sugar, just like we as parents do! If one parent always gives out treats and the other restricts them, it will affect dynamics as well as the DC teeth, health, and relationship with food. And the influence of the one giving out the sweet treats will always prevail just due to how addictive it is.

Ideas about sugar and issues around eating seem to have changed a lot so comparisons with those who ‘turned out fine’ maybe aren’t the only consideration.

It was often how people bought children’s affections in the past and the main way affection was shown in my DGM’s family, and they had all the issues (physical and emotional) that go with that. All the sugar was in homemade biscuits, cakes, and apple pies, but there was so much of it!!

Spoiling doesn’t have to mean sugar and material items. My DGM taught primary and used to test out new books on us first, early morning climbing into her bed when we stayed. DPs had her room and she slept in a bed in the same room as us. Still love the smell of a new book even though I hardly read these days.

It was such a treat especially as our parents didn’t really read to us. She also taught us card games, knitting, sewing, baking, gardening etc

After reading all your posts OP, I actually think YANBU.

Spoiling a child, showing love does not have to be food-related especially if it is causing actual problems to their bodies. If this was allergy-related, there would be completely different responses than it’s just sugar one day a week, you are so lucky to have childcare, etc..

You also pay your in-laws if I read correctly so not sure where some posters are getting free childcare from and that simply entitles them to feed their grandchild whatever they like. I’ve babysat for family members for free and still asked and respected what the parents told me, it’s not hard.

Both of my parents and in-laws respect our boundaries (not exactly hard) when it comes to food when they watch our children and back us up when we say no to our children. The in-laws are healthier eaters than my parents while my parents are both overweight, still struggle with food but have been working hard to eat healthier as well as my younger sister and many other family members in the past 5 years after several relatives have lost limbs or died due to diabetes.

I had many different rules growing up around food due to what household I was in. My mother stressed clean plates even if you said you didn’t want it before she put it on the plate, her mother was the same with her when she was a child but for us grandchildren asked how much we wanted. My dad and his side stressed only taking what you are going to eat because you can have a second helping or are welcome to something else if still hungry (a few small biscuits from the jar). He urged healthier eating because he had been an overweight child, didn’t believe it was just genetics, and admits he was spoiled being the youngest male child.

Unless I missed it, is it possible to send your son in with food? Yet, from the way you describe your FIL, he would get upset by that too. With your child having stomach issues, and bloods done, if there was an issue showing a food-related allergy, would it be taken seriously and would they accept that they would have to change what they give him?

If not, then you have an answer on whether them “spoiling” him is more important than his health to them.

I look after my GC and they occasionally have things that they're not supposed to. I'm sure my DD and SIL are well aware of this (especially my DD as obviously I brought her up the same way I care for my GC)
I'm clearly not going to poison or harm my GC and I'm sure your PIL aren't either.
If they're good enough to look after your child then give them free rein and trust them.
How totally insulting to question your child and then confront them.
You should apologize to them and thank them. Not set rules and cause bad feelings.
Actually I feel really appalled on their behalf.

The problem I see here, OP, is that food has already become a charged issue in your house and a source of conflict, of which the child is aware, between his parents and grandparents. It carries enough emotional weight to be the topic of questionings, denials, tensions, interrogations. That's more worrying than the physical effects of chocolate, even 3 bars (what size?) in one day. It does seem to be the case that your ILs have a 'bad relationship' with food, but yours may not be much healthier the other way - you mention your ED. It may be that your idea of a 'sugar-loaded' lunch is not quite what most people without this background consider 'sugar-loaded'. It seems a bit odd to me that your child burst out with 'I had 3 chocolate treats' (were they his words?) pretty much as soon as you arrived; why is that the focus of his day? He does seem to know the currency it carries, and that's a problem.

@freshgreen There is a massive difference between a few treats and stuffing a 4 year old with chocolate all day!

Have you actually heard yourself? Given that diatribe a bit of a sense-check? It's so overbearing and pompous.

If I were presented that by my grandchild's parent, we would have ONE conversation about it. I would reassure parent of my love and wish to care for grandchild and that I would do nothing to harm them.

Then I would rip up that hymn sheet and parent would be left with a choice of whether to use me for childcare or not. No way would I put up with that level of instruction having brought up my own children without calamity or disaster.

You are having a laugh.

I agree

I have never gone behind parents' backs about their preferences (prefer that to 'rules') and if I want to do something very different I check first

Are you saying parents don’t have any impact on whether someone gets an eating disorder or not? Because whether or nots that true that would support my point!

But I more meant, DH has 13 filings and got his first at aged 6, we don’t want DC to have that. Or DH has IBS and having looked online that can be linked to unhealthy diet as a child, we don’t want DC to have that.

And if OP’s DM weighed her every day and carefully calorie controlled her diet and that led to an eating disorder, then yes she should make sure her DM doesn’t do the same to DC - but that’s not the point here…

Thanks for telling me this.
Obviously at my ripe old age I'd never realized this...

You'll probably find your ds get sick of chocolate soon and refuses the majority of it from them. If they give him that much everytime its no longer a treat or novelty.

Looking at the two viewpoints I don't think it's the OP who's got it wrong

I have given 'free childcare' for years now.

It is not onerous to follow the parents' wishes. And neither the children or us are troubled by them

Nonsense.

They sound like pains.

Tbh I think the bigger issue here is your relationship to food and your relationship with your own body. Both sound to be disordered. You seem to be projecting your anxiety onto your child, making food into an emotional issue as well showing signs of being very controlling about food. Does this scenario mirror anything in your own family dynamic? Questioning a child about snacks and then confronting your inlaws is not everyday behaviour. Do you subliminally want to push them away because you disappprove if their size/ dietary choices?

This.

1 day a week he gets some treats, you report 3 chocolates they didn't tell you about. Are you usually this controlling?

I find it hard to believe that a couple of sweeties each time you saw your grandparents set up an eating disorder for life.

But it isn't just every so often though is it? It's an abundance of junk twice a week! Would you allow your child to eat as much sweets & chocolate as they want, twice per week? I'm guessing not

And I bet you were extremely active and burnt most of that off.

Bet these GPs aren't anywhere near as active as yours were!

@WhollyGlorious

I’m saying that the OP is going on about how she trusts her parents, and she obviously believes her own way is right way but thinks her in-laws have it risky wrong because they’re all obese. But she is very selectively choosing who is at fault given that her own parents raised her and she ended up with she eating disorder. Her husband didn’t. But her parents are trusted, she believe she is doing it right… and the only people wrong are her in-laws.

If she is going to go and list her husband’s health issues to prove her point to her in laws then she needs to take a close hard look at her own parents and also at herself and how she is raising her son around food. There doesn’t seem to be any well adjusted food guidance from parents going on here.

Bloody hell Aquamarine, calm down

@WanderingScotty i don’t understand the majority view on this, I would be horrified if they were feeding my child that each time they were there. But worse is teaching him to lie in front of you, they told him he was lying in front of you and taught him that was acceptable. That is far far worse and can lead to covering of abuse in the future. If he keeps going there they have to be honest, that would stop them looking after him for me.

OP, from your responses I suspect that you know you have a 'thing' about food and control — because eating disorders are often about control. What PP have said is spot-on. His diet on days when they look after him isn't ideal, but it's only one day a week. If he comments about having had loads of chocolate you can remind him that he doesn't have to eat it and can always tell grandpa/ grandma that he's not hungry.

This ultra-processed food campaign is out of control and designed to make women's lives more difficult than they already are. The recommendation to provide only home-made food made with minimally processed ingredients puts extra stress and guilt on women because it's women who are expected to manage childrens' diets and who do the majority of the cooking in a household.

@user1492757084

Whilst I think the OP is right and the GPs wrong, she really would be nuts controlling if she followed your advice!

And would be rightly told where to shove it.

How is it questioning when their child tells them about it?

Where is your issue with the grandparents upsetting their grandchild by calling him a liar?