DS not happy - I have to end the relationship don’t I

[GeoRicks]

I’ll start with a little background, DS is 17, Y12. 6 years ago my husband passed away, it was sudden and DS and I were understandably devastated. It has been a long process of healing and really we will never fully heal, he was an incredible loving man and our life will always be worse off for not having him.
About a year after he passed we sent to a group for children who had lost a parent, all the kids were around 9-14 and well DS hated it!! We persisted with going for about a year and I met a dad who had a daughter who was little older than DS. Neither of them were really responding to the group, but for opposite reasons. DS was very much the world is awful and baking cakes with other kids like me won’t make that better. This man’s DD was very much the opposite, in she just said she was fine and didn’t feel the need to go.
We both stopped attending but kept in close touch, occasionally meeting for coffee as it was so lovely having someone who understood. I don’t drive so he had taken DS and I down to Manchester to go shopping a few times, he and DS went off together and I went with his daughter etc.
About June last year the nature of our relationship changed and we began dating. I approached it tactfully with DS and he seemed ok with it. We don’t live super close so initially we would just spend Sundays together. We both work 4 days so after a few months it progressed to all day Sunday and most of Monday together. We alternate who’s house we stay at. Over Christmas we spent a little more time together and took the kids out for a meal and bowling, did similar in October half term. In the holidays we always stayed at mine, DS and his DD are a little over a month apart in age but she is Y13 and DS Y12. She is more independent and doesn’t seem to mind her dad being gone for a few days. DS would have struggled.

Skip a head to yesterday, we were staying at my house this weekend and yesterday afternoon DS expressed he wasn’t well and asked if my partner could leave. Total non-issue he left no fuss. DS has seemed out of sorts but not really ill as such. Today he decided to stay off school too.
This morning he told me he doesn’t like my “boyfriend” staying the night. He told me the reasons are that he still views this as his family home as in his dad, him and I. He said it made him uncomfortable. I asked if he would prefer I went to his every Sunday night and he said not really, he doesn’t like being home alone much. He told me he doesn’t like that things have changed. He hasn’t outright said he wants me to end the relationship but it’s clear he doesn’t want me to be with this man around him and he’s my son so that makes it very difficult!!
I’m now thinking I need to end the relationship which is actually really upsetting; I do love him (although this is a relatively new feeling and of course I love my son more). I’ve found opening myself up to someone new really difficult and we have so much in common and he is a genuinely good lovely man. I tried so hard to approach this gently with DS, didn’t force him to do anything, didn’t rush in etc.
Partially thinking I need to wait until DS has moved out, he doesn’t plan to go to uni, but wants an apprenticeship which is local, so he would be at home for a bit longer then and I worry that if I got into a relationship just as he moved out he’d feel pushed away.
I’m feeling a little conflicted as while DS is my priority, I’ve really enjoyed this relationship and worry If not now - when?
I know realistically I just have to end things, DS comes first, but AIBU to be wondering if there is a way around this, that allows me to prioritise DS and have a life of my own?

no dont end it lovely. You are a person other than a Mum. Sadly your child has to realise that too. They can’t dictate your happiness

@GeoRicks

I knew it was the daughter!!!

Sounds like you and your son have a great relationship & your new partner sounds fairly decent too.

I suspect that in a few years with the benefit if maturity, the time will come when your son will look back on this and laugh.

Are you a single parent yourself? Do you have actual first hand experience?. I usually am all for mums putting their kids first. However I think OPs Son is being selfish, OP also lost her husband. Realistically how many more years should OP wait? Should the Son really get to decide? Another 3 years? 6 more years? It's a sad situation for both of them. He's 17.

Don’t end it.

I was in the same position as your son. However my dad was alive but in a long term vegetative state.

I went absolute ballistic when my mum suggested dating again. I went ballistic when she brought a new man home. I went ballistic when he moved in. My brother (a year younger) was like your partners DD and didn’t care.

My truth was seeing my mum move on symbolised to me how life was moving on but I was still stuck heavily mourning my dad. Also I didn’t want a ‘step dad’, I had a dad I just could accept he was now gone.

I got over it quite quickly. Well about a year. It was nice to see my mum happy again. I was 13/14, my dad finally died when I was 18. 12 years later I’m so grateful she met him because he has been able to look after her and she can look after him. I imagine it’s really hard for your son. Like him I really struggled to relate to other people and nothing made my pain better. However it will all improve for him with time I promise x

So it’s the daughter not the boyfriend.

He thinks if you guys split she might say yes.

Your update is lovely OP. Your son opened up and told you things that make him feel vulnerable and embarrassed. You clearly have a good relationship.
He sounds like a nice person. I don’t think he would feel good about himself if you ended a relationship that is making you happy and it sounds as though he is emotionally literate enough that he would recognise this if you put it to him. He doesn’t actually want the power to end your relationship and he wouldn’t like himself very much if that happened.

So it’s the daughter. If you broke up with him and your ds got together with the dd, would your ds break up with her just because you were uncomfortable with that relationship? No, he wouldn’t.

No.

It's understandable to be grieving his dad and the family life there should have been.

But this has to be balanced with your right to happiness too.

Your son is very nearly an adult and will be off having his own life soon.

Then where will you be? Chopped off a relationship that could have
seen you happy for decades to come?

Adapt, don't destroy.

Your update is great, opening up the conversation, he probably just wishes your partner and this gorgeous girl could all just go away! That's entirely understandable and I would give him a bit of a pass on joining in joint activities from now on.

Why does he not want to be alone at night?

Good to read your update OP it sounds as if there is a way ahead, I’m sure things will even out over the next few months. It’s good that your son has opened up to you about his feelings for the daughter, it’s hard to be knocked back at 17, it’s lovely that you’re there to share life’s ups and downs with him.

Definitely do not end it, especially now your son has started to talk about his fears. Have you also talked to your new man? I certainly wouldn't mention the thing between your DS & his DD (which he might know about anyway) but the other stuff could be brought out into the open with him as much as you feel comfortable with.

As for not wanting to be alone in the house overnight, I hated that too and well into my twenties after I was married with a baby.

And I've always preferred a bit of 'afternoon delight' myself to nighttime fun.

@GeoRicks your son is still grieving. my grandchild is the same after losing their mother at 11 years old , 4 years ago. remember blood is always thicker than water. she is also the same as your son in that she is not ready for her father to have another relationship. you really have to tread very carefully with this or he will sink into a deeper depression than he looks like he is in just now. x

Lovely update OP. Sounds like you have a v good relationship with your son and have been great at giving him space to talk.

Wonderful update @GeoRicks really good news :)

given your update I think you need to have a bit of a chat about how he interacts with girls generally. Asking someone out once, fine, repeatedly pestering her after she's already said no several times, and then punishing a different woman for him being rejected is erring on the dodgy. Completely understandable if he didn't want to see partner's dd himself, but stopping you and partner from seeing each other just because he's embarrassed from the result of his own actions isn't okay. If he'd only asked her out once (presumably some time ago) then the initial embarrassment would have faded by now, it's his fault he's kept trying! Also the fact he doesn't say anything that suggests he liked her personality or felt they had losing their parents in common - no reason for asking her out other than her being "the fittest girl he knows" 🙄

I appreciate he said it jokingly and am not suggesting he's some sort of incel in the making, but it doesn't sound great in terms of respecting women's boundaries. It's interesting that your partner's dd hasn't said anything about her not wanting the two of you together - it sounds likes she has potentially a lot more reason to complain than he does.

We don’t all feel the same. I lost one parent at 14 and another at 18. I don’t feel the same as you-so whether other posters have lost a parent is doesn’t make their opinion more valid than anyone else’s. 6 years is a long time. Her son is entitled to grieve for his father but not entitled to dictate how his mother goes forward with her life-especially as she gives the impression she is a loving and kind parent.

Your last update is great. You are a fantastic mum and your partner sounds very considerate and your relationship sounds supportive of each other and I wish you all the best.

Sit down and explain that this new guy will never fill the shoes your husband left, but he did leave. No body wanted that to happen but life cannot be controlled.

Now you have met someone else who you are very fond of and you are not going to dump him because, despite missing and loving your husband, you are not married to his ghost. If your husband could speak he wouldn't want you to not find happiness again.

Remind your son that life goes on and soon he will fall in love and find his own future happiness.

Your DS will rant and rave because he is desperately trying to force time to stop and knows he is failing. It's not his fault just as it's not your fault that you want to live and love again.

Are there any men close to you who can take your son under a paternal wing? He needs a father figure who's not taking his mum away as he's leaving his childhood behind and his dad is no longer there to guide him.

Don't give up this relationship for in a few short years your son will be flown to forge a new life with some hussy who will, with a bit of luck, make him a husband and father. This is a storm you will need to ride, preferably with your bloke beside you.

Bloody gell, don't I go on!

This is great progress OP. Now you’ve got stuff to work on and to move forward with.

There are lots of adults that don't want to be alone at night, he is still a child.

Being alone means being responsible for everything, and highlights further the loss of his dad.

My teens have never been keen on being left alone, with a sibling or friend is different.

Op I am normally of the mindset that romance can wait but in your case I agree with the majority, you shouldn't end the relationship.

I'm glad that you have spoken to him and the MN was helpful in sorting your thoughts.

I lost my Parental figure before 10. I found their dead lifeless body. Before eventually being placed back with my parents. So yes I lived with them from before I ever remember. They where my parent as much as the person they where. My childhood memories are them, my happiest memories are them,
My nightmares are being bullied for finding them dead.

Did I hate their new partner sure but then he was an abusive arsehole who called 9 year old me a bitch and broke my
mothers arm so that was warranted, told parental they would never live with them while
that person (me 👋) lived there and to get rid of me.

I didn’t hate him for loving my other parental figure though. I hate him because his a grade A cunt.

Losing someone you lose doesn’t mean you get to stop people loving again though.

I think @cauliflowerqueen got close, here: Your son doesn't have a problem with this particular man, it seems, but simply with the idea of you sharing your life with anyone other than his father.

My original take on it was that he didn't want the OP sharing it with anyone other than himself. But embarrassment at having a crush on (and worse, being spurned by) the "hot" daughter sheds a more reasonable light on it. It sounds as though your chat over pizza may have started the pair of you on a route to a solution. And anyway, in a couple of months he may well have found an equally "hot" girl who does want to go out with him.

Hang in there, OP, and I wish you all the best.

That's great progress....hopefully he will get over her when he finds his own love.

Thank you, I know this, but I was asking op.