DS not happy - I have to end the relationship don’t I

[GeoRicks]

I’ll start with a little background, DS is 17, Y12. 6 years ago my husband passed away, it was sudden and DS and I were understandably devastated. It has been a long process of healing and really we will never fully heal, he was an incredible loving man and our life will always be worse off for not having him.
About a year after he passed we sent to a group for children who had lost a parent, all the kids were around 9-14 and well DS hated it!! We persisted with going for about a year and I met a dad who had a daughter who was little older than DS. Neither of them were really responding to the group, but for opposite reasons. DS was very much the world is awful and baking cakes with other kids like me won’t make that better. This man’s DD was very much the opposite, in she just said she was fine and didn’t feel the need to go.
We both stopped attending but kept in close touch, occasionally meeting for coffee as it was so lovely having someone who understood. I don’t drive so he had taken DS and I down to Manchester to go shopping a few times, he and DS went off together and I went with his daughter etc.
About June last year the nature of our relationship changed and we began dating. I approached it tactfully with DS and he seemed ok with it. We don’t live super close so initially we would just spend Sundays together. We both work 4 days so after a few months it progressed to all day Sunday and most of Monday together. We alternate who’s house we stay at. Over Christmas we spent a little more time together and took the kids out for a meal and bowling, did similar in October half term. In the holidays we always stayed at mine, DS and his DD are a little over a month apart in age but she is Y13 and DS Y12. She is more independent and doesn’t seem to mind her dad being gone for a few days. DS would have struggled.

Skip a head to yesterday, we were staying at my house this weekend and yesterday afternoon DS expressed he wasn’t well and asked if my partner could leave. Total non-issue he left no fuss. DS has seemed out of sorts but not really ill as such. Today he decided to stay off school too.
This morning he told me he doesn’t like my “boyfriend” staying the night. He told me the reasons are that he still views this as his family home as in his dad, him and I. He said it made him uncomfortable. I asked if he would prefer I went to his every Sunday night and he said not really, he doesn’t like being home alone much. He told me he doesn’t like that things have changed. He hasn’t outright said he wants me to end the relationship but it’s clear he doesn’t want me to be with this man around him and he’s my son so that makes it very difficult!!
I’m now thinking I need to end the relationship which is actually really upsetting; I do love him (although this is a relatively new feeling and of course I love my son more). I’ve found opening myself up to someone new really difficult and we have so much in common and he is a genuinely good lovely man. I tried so hard to approach this gently with DS, didn’t force him to do anything, didn’t rush in etc.
Partially thinking I need to wait until DS has moved out, he doesn’t plan to go to uni, but wants an apprenticeship which is local, so he would be at home for a bit longer then and I worry that if I got into a relationship just as he moved out he’d feel pushed away.
I’m feeling a little conflicted as while DS is my priority, I’ve really enjoyed this relationship and worry If not now - when?
I know realistically I just have to end things, DS comes first, but AIBU to be wondering if there is a way around this, that allows me to prioritise DS and have a life of my own?

Yes, just see the man, who your not yet adult son considers as someone you are trying to replace his Dad with, during the day. That's a good compromise for now isn't it? Until such a time that your son can accept the situation.

It sounds like your new bloke has been in your son's life since very soon after losing his Dad and the only life he knew at the time. Was the reason for persisting with the sessions that your son hated for a year because this man was there. Did you carry on longer than your son wanted to because you actually quite enjoyed going and the attention you received from new bloke?

Anyway, obviously do what you like. It's up to you whether you consider that your son's feelings are worth listening to or not but I feel like you worded your thread title to gain as much validation for carrying on your romantic relationship as possible.

God no you shouldn’t. It doesn’t do your son any good to have that much power and he needs to learn to grow into life not away from it. It would have been wonderful if you hadn’t lost your husband and he hadn’t lost his father and grief takes so long to process but he can’t have what he wants which is to keep you unchanged when he couldn’t keep his dad. You have worked with each other so far and can work through this - would your son be open to some counselling? It’s a tricky age when many a teen wants life to return to how it used to be generally.

I wonder how many people posting here lost a parent when they were young. I was 10. People saying ‘it was 6 years ago’ and ‘he is controlling’ (ffs) need to give their head a nod. It is 36 years ago that my mum died and there are still days it hurts.

I don’t have an answer for you OP. Part of me says you should be happy too, the other part says try to get your son into a better place first or this could end very badly. He will carry his dad’s death through the rest of his life. I really don’t know how to phrase this without it sounding distasteful but you can find a different sort of happiness with another partner, replacing somewhat what you lost. He will never have another dad. I know that sounds awful because you are not replacing your dear lost husband but I hope you know what I mean

Yep, this. He's 17 and although losing a parent young is ridiculously hard, it's been 6 years and you're being more than respectful. Your happiness is important too, you can be mindful of his feelings without being alone forever.

Thank you!
I got the same feeling that this is some manipulation.

OP--do not give up your relationship because your DS is having a huffy-puffy. If you let him dictate your life now, what will he do in 10 years?
You have a right to be happy and honestly, this man you are dating sounds like a keeper.

As PP mentioned, give your DS a choice. It's either:
A--Boyfriend comes to your house
B--I go to boyfriend's house.
C--both happen

D or "none of the above" is not a choice.

You have a life and I very much doubt your departed loved one would want you to not be happy and have love in your life.

Yes. This is a rather more diplomatic way of saying what I was trying to say in my post ^^

If your son were 7 I would maybe think it reasonable to end your romantic relationship to prioritise him. But he's 17! In a year he'll be an adult and will be starting his own life without you. While I have sympathy for your son's feelings, I also think it could be very healthy for him to understand that life moves on even after grief and that having a loving partner is something to be treasured.

Hi OP, I’m definitely with the majority here, I think you deserve some happiness, please don’t end this relationship because of your son.
Does he not have a friend that he could spend time with at the weekend, he really needs a distraction. It could be that he’ll soon find a girlfriend and then more than likely he’ll be totally wrapped in his own relationship.
I would talk to him and say you understand his concern but you really care for this man and you don’t intend to end it. I would be firm but kind, tell him you love him, you loved his Dad but at seventeen he must understand that life moves on.

Of course you love your son, and I'm sure your friend fully understands this. But in the nicest possible way: don't give up your relationship with your male friend.

To say it gently, your son needs to recognise and accept that his own life will be changing over the next few years - he may be moving away, meeting new people, living in a new place and his whole perception may change. It isn't right that you feel compelled to give up your chance of happiness out of misplaced guilt, neither would it be right for you to forbid your son to give up his university ambitions because he'll have to move away, leaving you lonely! Has he thought about it from this point of view?

You have nothing to feel guilty about - most people want someone special in their lives, why should you be any different? Your son needs to realise that although you loved your husband and always will, your life will change in the future - as will his over the next few years - and it is unfair and unreasonable to expect you to give up the chance of a loving relationship with someone who seems like a good man. Hopefully, your son will come to understand this.

I too don’t think you should end it
I also don’t think it was right that your DS asked your friend to leave ! because he said it wasn’t well.
Perhaps knock the sleeping over for a few weeks (but i personally don’t think he will get used to it as he’s 17 )

Its taken him 7 mths to decide to mention anything,
At what month did he start staying in your bedroom? Perhaps that’s the reason ? Ds is embarrassed? Is he a young 17

If he’s dictating to you now who can and can’t stay at the house, he obviously used to get on with him hence going of shopping with him together.

Id had a word with him let him know that you think his dad would be glad that you’ve met a nice man again and wouldn’t want you to be left on your own.
Being in a relationship/married is not the same love as having a child as he will always be your child and you will always love him
but he can’t tell your friends he doesn’t want them with you at your house, he hasn’t got that authority to speak for you.. That he should of come to you and told you on your own

please re think

I have not read the whole thread so apologies if others have already suggested this. I can’t help but wonder if this is purely about the two of you having sex giving him the ick. Is it possible he has heard you?

My Dad died when I was 15 and by the time I was 19 my Mum had met someone. I heard them having sex one night in the bed she used to share with my Dad and I hated it so much it was the catalyst to me moving out fairly swiftly.

I never said anything to my Mum though as I knew it was the right thing for her to move on with a new partner. That bit older and probably a tad more empathetic too.

If he has had sexual feelings towards dp’s daughter this will all feel particularly weird to him so I would think it’s probably stemmed from this.

Sorry no advice on how to approach it though.

No absolutely not, the men tended to stick with the men at the group and women the women.
My new partner actually stopped attending the group about 6 months before we did. We kept in touch as our kids were so close in age, only children and lost their parents around a similar age.

This. He's almost an adult be different if he was 7 not 17.

This was my thinking too. I wonder if he’s been messaging her or something and she’s knocked him back? Either way I also don’t think you should end it. It’s been 6yrs now since his dad passed and he needs to understand that you’re allowed to be happy too, you’ll always love your son but he cannot tell you who you can and cannot see. You could end it and he then gets himself a girlfriend the week after and you barely see him. I don’t think you see this guy too much either, so if you spend the night at his instead then he’s going to have to suck it up, invite a mate over, entertain himself. If you end it now because your son wants you to then you might aswell kiss goodby to any relationships until he’s moved out. These days kids are home for years too.

I’d leave it a few days, let the dust settle then let him know you’ll be staying over at boyfriends for a while now not bringing him to yours. If he says anything about this I’d gently tell him that you will always miss his dad and understand that it must feel difficult for him to see you in a new relationship. But you want to be happy again and for you this relationship is what makes you happy (aswell as him of course). Seriously if you end it now it really would be a bad idea.x

you have to have a chat, a firm chat, you're allowed a relationship.dont let him rule over you.

@GeoRicks I'm with most other people. He's 17 not 7 and soon enough he'll be living his own adult life. I'm shocked he said he didn't want your partner in the house as 'he wasn't feeling well' because that sounds like a convenient excuse, quite honestly

As others have said, you need to have a chat with your son and explain that you will always miss his Dad, but you are lonely too and you still have more of life to live and be happy. I would give him options of whether you go to your partners or your partner comes to yours, but don't allow him to say 'neither'.

You sound like a lovely caring Mum, but you are entitled to find some happiness again and maybe it would be good, if he is so worried about things changing, maybe some counselling for him might help. But no I don't think you should give up this relationship to please him. He's almost an adult

I'm going against the grain here when I say you should put your DS first. He's still very young, still dependent on you and still needs to feel you have his back. If you won't listen to him and put his needs first, who will?

I'd talk to your new partner, agree a way to drop things down a gear and then focus on your son for the next 6-12 months and see where you are then.

We have had a nice long chat tonight over some pizza.
It was a bit of struggle to get it out of him but we’ve found 3 issues per se

• He’s worried if the relationship progresses I will sell the house and move to new partners (admittedly bigger and nicer) home. I’ve tried to reassure him that we are many many moons away from even considering living here. My house is mortgage free and a small 3 bed so potentially If it came to the point we did want to live together DS could keep our house
• He doesn’t want to be alone overnight, I’ve suggested he go and stay at my brothers on that Sunday night and he seems ok with that
• And what I think is the biggest clincher … he asked out partners DD a couple of times every time being shot back, he says it’s embarrassing and he doesn’t want to be around her, says he gets jealous and sad when he sees her . Obviously the jealousy needs worked on and maybe holding back on anything where we are all together! Took a bit to get this out of him but he said it “I’d prefer you date someone who isn’t the dad of the “fittest” girl I know who keeps rejecting me (he was laughing a bit as he said it).

Thank you for all the advice it seems some progress is being made!

DS is now attempting to be the alpha male. It's up to you whether you allow that or not. I didn't allow it when my son attempted it. My house, my rules. No I didn't rub their noses in it, but it's been 6 years and you are entitled to a life when he is off living his.

I wouldn’t end the relationship over it, I just wouldn’t see each other as much, or stay over as much.

Can you just see each other all of Monday? Or even Sunday night and Monday at his?

Your ds is 17 so probably won’t be at home that much longer - or certainly not need you to also be about when he is.

You dont need to end this relationship. You are entitled to be happy. Your son is growing up and one day will most likely understand.

You should keep seeing him; you’ve been really sensitive but you’re allowed a relationship.

What he’s feeling is normal and what you’re feeling is normal. I lost a parent when I was young (much younger than your DS but the pain is the same). I know how incredibly difficult and jarring it is to see a parent with a new partner and have them invade the space of your family home. My situation is very different to yours as my parents partner was a truly nasty piece of work but I found it so hard to articulate this and my anger festered.

Assuming your partner is a genuinely nice man I’d just tread really carefully. In the short term could you go back to him only coming in the daytime and not visiting overnight? Having him stay in your room overnight might be weirding him out more than you realise. Could you pair it back a bit in the family home and build it up again?

Op's DS lost his Dad in his formative years and sounds like he has never really found a way to deal with it. IMO, he has every right to feel like his DM should put him first. He might be 17 now but his world collapsed 6 years ago & he's been affected by that since obviously.

Especially when it doesn't even mean that OP has to fully end the relationship, day time get togethers for just the two of them, could still happen. Hotel rooms would be available during the day, if that's the bit that the overnights are happening for.

This is all to do with his ‘weird’ feelings about your boyfriend’s DD OP.

i don’t think he’s trying to control the OP or prevent her from having another relationship at all. He was fine with her boyfriend until now.

He may be really struggling with the idea of having romantic (and probably sexual) feelings for his ‘stepsister’. Maybe the boyfriend being there yesterday being affectionate to his Mum or just something he overheard, maybe mention of the DD, made him feel sick because he thinks it’s a bit sick!

To be fair he’s been put in a difficult position, not his fault or the OP’s fault, but something that could have been a possibility is that with two teens of the same age ‘blended’ together, one or both may develop feelings that aren’t particularly sibling like.

Could be he’s embarrassed and just doesn’t want her Dad around or to see her. He will be struggling with seeing another man in his Dad’s house as well understandably but I think the DD is the core issue. There’s no way he’d volunteer that to you though! Do not tell your boyfriend, DS will be mortified.

I think you need to take the bull by the horns and come out with it. That you understand he may have feelings for the DD but he can’t use that against you having a relationship with her Dad. Bit of a risk of him not trusting your brother again but not sure how you’d broach it otherwise.

Hopefully it’s just a crush and he’ll get over it (unless she feels the same way).