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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS not happy - I have to end the relationship don’t I

279 replies

GeoRicks · 05/02/2024 15:26

I’ll start with a little background, DS is 17, Y12. 6 years ago my husband passed away, it was sudden and DS and I were understandably devastated. It has been a long process of healing and really we will never fully heal, he was an incredible loving man and our life will always be worse off for not having him.
About a year after he passed we sent to a group for children who had lost a parent, all the kids were around 9-14 and well DS hated it!! We persisted with going for about a year and I met a dad who had a daughter who was little older than DS. Neither of them were really responding to the group, but for opposite reasons. DS was very much the world is awful and baking cakes with other kids like me won’t make that better. This man’s DD was very much the opposite, in she just said she was fine and didn’t feel the need to go.
We both stopped attending but kept in close touch, occasionally meeting for coffee as it was so lovely having someone who understood. I don’t drive so he had taken DS and I down to Manchester to go shopping a few times, he and DS went off together and I went with his daughter etc.
About June last year the nature of our relationship changed and we began dating. I approached it tactfully with DS and he seemed ok with it. We don’t live super close so initially we would just spend Sundays together. We both work 4 days so after a few months it progressed to all day Sunday and most of Monday together. We alternate who’s house we stay at. Over Christmas we spent a little more time together and took the kids out for a meal and bowling, did similar in October half term. In the holidays we always stayed at mine, DS and his DD are a little over a month apart in age but she is Y13 and DS Y12. She is more independent and doesn’t seem to mind her dad being gone for a few days. DS would have struggled.

Skip a head to yesterday, we were staying at my house this weekend and yesterday afternoon DS expressed he wasn’t well and asked if my partner could leave. Total non-issue he left no fuss. DS has seemed out of sorts but not really ill as such. Today he decided to stay off school too.
This morning he told me he doesn’t like my “boyfriend” staying the night. He told me the reasons are that he still views this as his family home as in his dad, him and I. He said it made him uncomfortable. I asked if he would prefer I went to his every Sunday night and he said not really, he doesn’t like being home alone much. He told me he doesn’t like that things have changed. He hasn’t outright said he wants me to end the relationship but it’s clear he doesn’t want me to be with this man around him and he’s my son so that makes it very difficult!!
I’m now thinking I need to end the relationship which is actually really upsetting; I do love him (although this is a relatively new feeling and of course I love my son more). I’ve found opening myself up to someone new really difficult and we have so much in common and he is a genuinely good lovely man. I tried so hard to approach this gently with DS, didn’t force him to do anything, didn’t rush in etc.
Partially thinking I need to wait until DS has moved out, he doesn’t plan to go to uni, but wants an apprenticeship which is local, so he would be at home for a bit longer then and I worry that if I got into a relationship just as he moved out he’d feel pushed away.
I’m feeling a little conflicted as while DS is my priority, I’ve really enjoyed this relationship and worry If not now - when?
I know realistically I just have to end things, DS comes first, but AIBU to be wondering if there is a way around this, that allows me to prioritise DS and have a life of my own?

OP posts:
Debtfreegoals · 05/02/2024 19:23

I wouldn’t end the relationship, I really don’t think you should give your son that control of who stays over etc. it’s your house and it’s been many years

saffy2 · 05/02/2024 19:24

Your son is practically an adult. I would absolutely not end this relationship in this circumstance. You deserve happiness too.

Illbebythesea · 05/02/2024 19:25

I also strongly disagree with posters saying he is not 6 he is 17. I actually think this is more difficult for a 17 year old than it would be for a 6 year old so his vunerable age is actually the reason I would tread so carefully.

Bubble2024 · 05/02/2024 19:28

GeoRicks · 05/02/2024 15:55

Thank you everyone.

Does anyone have any advice on how I could make it work when DS doesn’t want him in the house but also doesn’t want to be home alone every week?
Just meeting in the day time?

You have him in the house. Your son needs to accept this.

StopStartStop · 05/02/2024 19:29

Keep your boyfriend out of the house. What arrangements do you have for your son when you go to the man's house without him? Grandparents? Friends round? Talk to him about what he would be comfortable with.

DarkDarkNight · 05/02/2024 19:30

I don’t think you need to end the relationship. I would feel differently if your son was 7, but he’s 17. He may well be struggling with having another man in what he views as his dad’s house, he may not like the idea of you being in a relationship, but he has to adjust to it.

He will be forming a life of his own and in the nicest way possible he will move on from how his life is now without a backward glance. He may spend Christmas with a new partner’s family, or go on holiday and miss your birthday and if you have left a happy relationship because of your son’s feelings you will be left alone. I don’t think he’s being selfish, he is entitled to those feelings, but you are allowed a life.

Have you asked him what he wants? He doesn’t want your partner in the house so much but he also doesn’t want you to leave him alone. He has to compromise somehow. Alternating weekends at each house may work, but don’t end the relationship.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 05/02/2024 19:31

Don’t end things, you deserve to be happy and sounds like a good match.

Your son needs to realise he is nearly an adult and can’t dictate your personal life. You have given more than fair options. Maybe one week he comes to you, one week you go to him and one week just you and your son? For now until he’s 18 and then review it.

mayorofcasterbridge · 05/02/2024 19:31

Peekingovertheparapet · 05/02/2024 16:24

I’m afraid that I think your son is being very controlling. For sure there are reasons and context but I still don’t think you should stop your relationship just because of this. It would probably be a really good lesson for your son in the art of compromise if you can work things out, whereas if you bow to his demands then I suspect the controlling behaviour might become worse, to you and also to future romantic partners he has.

therapy might be part of the answer, finding a way for him to work through his feelings. And his feelings are valid, but so are yours. So the line you need to be taking is along the lines of validating his feelings of loss. This man is no replacement for his father (nor does he want to be), but you cannot be expected to live the rest of your life in chaste mourning.

Agree with this.

I absolutely do not think you should even consider ending the relationship. You deserve to be happy too.

Your DS will grow up and move away - maybe in the medium term if not in the short term, leaving you on your own. I think you would regret that you gave up this chance of happiness to please your son.

I think you need to tell him gently that your friend makes you happy, that nothing is going to bring your husband back and that that's a sorrow you will always carry - but he wouldn't have wanted you to live in widow's weeds for the rest of your life.

I hope you can work it out.

SlightlygrumpyBettyswaitress · 05/02/2024 19:31

Don't end it. In a time shorter than you van beleive DS will be an independent adult.
Both you and dp sound sensitive and sensible. Maybe step back to every other weekend for a bit?

Dream24Holiday · 05/02/2024 19:32

If your son was speaking to his Dad
Do you think that he would vocalise the same feelings ?
What would his Dad do ?

LiesDoNotBecomeUs · 05/02/2024 19:34

It is great that you two are talking like this and that says much about your parenting. You sound very close and you have clearly supported him well through some very difficult times.

His feelings seem natural enough... but they shouldn't change your behaviour.

1 - because you do deserve happiness as does your partner.

2- because your son does need to gain a little more independence from you now that he is in his late teens.

He will eventually grow into a person who can cope with being in a house on his own. You want this for him! Managing a night a week is a gentle beginning to this. You can be sympathetic to him and support him but don't simply refuse to leave him alone at all. He will get used to this and it will be a step he needs.

He will eventually form relationships of his own. These will be influenced by his dad's life with you and also with the good relationship you are forming now.

Quitelikeit · 05/02/2024 19:34

I’m flabbergasted that he asked your partner to leave because he felt unwell!

That in itself shows the dynamic in your relationship is very unbalanced.

You have had lots of great advice here and you need to take it.

Losing his father was dreadful but it should not define his life going forward, there would be no sense in that.

Therapy time

BigFatCat2024 · 05/02/2024 19:35

Does anyone have any advice on how I could make it work when DS doesn’t want him in the house but also doesn’t want to be home alone every week?

You have a conversation with your son, explain that you understand that it is a change and you love him but he but he doesn't get to control your love life. You respect that he feels strange with your boyfriend staying in the house you shared with his dad, in which case you'll stay at his house. Neither is not an option

Abergale · 05/02/2024 19:35

GeoRicks · 05/02/2024 15:55

Thank you everyone.

Does anyone have any advice on how I could make it work when DS doesn’t want him in the house but also doesn’t want to be home alone every week?
Just meeting in the day time?

I think you should be sensitive but not pander to this. He is 17 he is old enough to be home alone for a night and it isn’t fair for him to dictate who you can have in your home.

so I would personally keep on as you are although make sure you make lots of time to spend just with your DS.

Giv0iw · 05/02/2024 19:35

It's really difficult to meet people OP. I would go to his house until things calm down with your Son. It's a sad situation but the reality is your life AND your Son's life has changed forever. Neither of you have chosen this life, but you are not 17! DS has more time to meet someone and think of relationships you don't and you need to prioritise yourself here.

WhollyGlorious · 05/02/2024 19:36

I expected to see your son was 7, not 17.

Given that he’s an adult about to embark on his own life, and while his feelings are justified and complex they’re not entirely rational, I don’t think you should end it.

Maybe be more respectful of your sons feeling, perhaps by having him stay over less, or occasional stay overs as DP’s (your son is almost an adult and can handle the odd night alone) or maybe slow it down a little bit while DS comes to terms with it - but objectively 6 years is long enough and your son will soon be out in the world on his own so you do what you need to be happy.

Barkybarkynutnut · 05/02/2024 19:38

Don’t end it. I completely get why ur son might not like the idea. But he has to come to terms with it. Don’t let him decide on your relationships. You sound like a lovely Mum and you are sensitive and thoughtful.

ORLt · 05/02/2024 19:38

Don't kid yourself, if your son were your priority, you would not be asking other people's opinions here, you would have just ended it. Be honest with yourself, it will be more helpful to you in the long run. Say (not to others) just to yourself what you really want, and then go for it, but without 'my DS is my priority', just be honest.

Butterflyrainbow12 · 05/02/2024 19:39

No definitely do not end it. Your DS is 17 and very soon will be off doing his own things all the time with his friends, new job etc. He won’t realise how selfish he has been until he’s a proper adult in a relationship and by then is too late for you.

Yes you love your son and it’s lovely that u would consider doing this for him but you have also been through a tragic loss and deserve to be happy. This isn’t a few months after your DH passed you have put your son first throughout that time, now is your time. Yes be respectful but ultimately now is your time to experience some happiness. Ds can choose a- be home alone or b- your partner comes round.

Switcher · 05/02/2024 19:39

Err I voted YABU because you should NOT end the relationship and now I'm confused!

Britinme · 05/02/2024 19:41

I would absolutely not end the relationship. Your DS is growing up and in a year or two will be away to university or engaged in relationships of his own. He needs to understand that you are an adult with emotional needs of your own, and that although you will always love and remember your late DH fondly that doesn't mean you have to live like a nun forever after. It seems to me that you have taken this relationship slowly and cautiously (a lot more than I did after my first DH died suddenly!) and been very kind and considerate about your DS's feelings, but there is a limit to that and it seems to me that six years is more than enough for the limit. He may not like being on his own at night, but he may well have to put up with it, and I don't think it's unreasonable of you to ask that of him.

It may well be, of course, that what he's not talking about is whatever happened or is an undercurrent between him and your friend's DD, but that shouldn't put any kind of veto on your own relationship.

ThinWomansBrain · 05/02/2024 19:41

Your son is 17, not 7, almost an adult who is likely to be leaving for uni soon.
His DF died 6 years ago - so you're not exactly jumping into the new relationship with undue haste - unless there is something specific like bullying by your new partner, "D"S is being a selfish git, he doesn't get to dictate.

Blueblell · 05/02/2024 19:41

I think you need to talk to your son - don’t end the relationship. Your son is about to become an adult and while you don’t want him to feel uncomfortable, he is going to become independent from you in the next few years then you will be in your own. 6 years isn’t rushing into a new relationship and good partners are hard to find! I wouldn’t throw it away before having a good chat with your son.

Kittenkitty · 05/02/2024 19:43

Could you sit down with your son and ask him what the solution is? It’s easy to say no to everything when it’s not your responsibility to find a solution.

Id sit with him and say these are my solutions:
son stay at Nans/Uncles etc every fortnight whilst I go to partners
stay home alone whilst I go to partners
partner stays here so you’re not alone
we look at selling the house

then I’d ask him for his solutions (other than being single forever) and ask him to pick one (or a mixture of the solutions)

Fjruejejrnrnrbbbbb222333 · 05/02/2024 19:45

I'm struggling to understand why your DS can't stay home alone - he's basically an adult. I understand that life hasn't been kind to you both with your joint loss but I think he has some growing up to do.

You shouldn't end this relationship. It's not like you went and met someone immediately - it's been a long time.