To have told my late teens that I won't be contributing

[itspurplestripes]

.. to their childcare arrangements , if and when they have kids. They were really surprised!
Lone parent here, working full time and intend to retire in about ten years. Ie I'll be relatively young.
It was a light conversation but they fully thought that I would be a part of their childcare set up in time.
I will f course be supportive and help
Out when needed and look forward to

Spending time with my grandkids but travel and renewing relationships and rest are certainly at the top of my list !
AIBU. Or is this the norm/ expectation now?

@TTCSoManyQuestions88 - if I were you I'd clarify expectations on both sides before your pregnancy continues much further. You say your parents are delighted and that they want to be involved, and that's wonderful.

But being delighted doesn't translate to action and being involved is nebulous. You might have very differing understandings of what that means.

OP has been clever getting it out there so early, before anyone is emotionally invested.

I have no wish whatsoever to look after babies (been there far too often) and did have sole care on occasions of DGD from when she was 18 months old, and that was a bloody struggle some days. Now she's a fully-fledged child - it's a lovely relationship. But I still have my boundaries in place.

Same here OP. Had my kids, looked after them ourselves apart from odd babysitting duties. They can do the same IF they have any.

I am turning 57 tomorrow and I retired a year ago almost. We moved to the Caribbean , Our daughter was outraged. WHO will help with the kids???!! LMAO they just turned 12 and 13 at that point and I had hardly had to watch them for over a year or two. Before that, I had them every morning from 630 am... gave them breakfast, drove them to school. Some days (probably 2 x a week) also picked them up from school and fed them dinner. Yes. Whilst working full time in my own business (restaurant that I owned) often their dinner was sitting in a booth at the restaurant whilst i worked. YA SO DONE WITH IT. Love them to death and actually going up to canada in a few weeks and staying with them (dinner orders are already in from the grandmonsters as mum hates cooking lol) and I am good with cooking and cleaning whilst there, but childminding. NOPE all done thank you very much. (if there was an emergency I would be there in a heartbeat,, or a heartbeat and a 4 hour plane ride lol)

Many of us will likely be working FT in demanding jobs until we are 67+. By that point my DC will be at least 43, 38 and 36. So what's it to be - I give up work early putting myself in financial hardship, or my DC take the chance of waiting til that age before they have their own DC?

That’s absolutely fine and good for you to tell them now. Just hope the same will be ok for them , when you are old and need help - they shouldn’t have to do a thing to help you. Just visit you and help out here and there. I don’t understand why you wouldn’t help family … I wouldn’t see my family struggle and they wouldn’t see me struggle. We get through things together and that’s lovely ☺️

My mum said something similar to me when I was around 20 and she was in the throws of parenting several teenagers, tired and fed up.

But now I'm mid-thirties and she is older, lonely now we have all left, and has less going on to fill her time. If I have a child she will absolutely dote on them.

So I just think it doesn't make sense to talk to your kids about this when they are still so young. You don't know what life will bring or how any of you might change.

This is exactly how I feel, hence my previous replies to OP. That's why I think it would have been better if the OP had been more comprehensive- rather than the later drip feed that her DC actually brought it up!

If you're the paternal grandmother I'd kiss goodbye to your grandchildren.

Yep, and me. My GCs are adult now, but I never wanted to go back to being a parent.

I'd babysit, but my kids needed to sort out proper childcare.

I didn’t expect it from my parents- not sure why so many think they should have built in free childcare…🙄

It’s sensible to talk about this early.

I’ll be delighted to occasionally look after my grandchildren. But as a regular, childcare chore? No way. My Mum had no grandparent help, my help from grandparents is occasional (which is fine and sensible). If my daughter is the same age that I was when she has her first child, I’ll be 70.

I remember a friend at work was asked to change her days for a meeting. When she said that she had no childcare for a Wednesday, the big boss beamed and said “Well, what about your Mum?!?”. He was a bit put out when she said that her mum was a headmistress so would be at work all day. There’s a good chance grandmothers will still be working in responsible jobs.

@Starblind19 If you have a good relationship with your parents though, why would you require them to provide childcare in return for support in their later years? That sounds very cold and transactional. Not providing childcare for GC doesn’t mean that they’re bad parents-if they loved and cared for you growing up, that’s what really counts.

DH and I have had practically zero childcare support from either side, but we still love and care for our parents. I provide a lot of support to my Dad (85), for example, because he’s my Dad. I don’t ignore him because he didn’t provide much childcare!

Are you talking about regular child care, for work purposes etc? Or are you also saying you won’t babysit occasionally for them to go out for a meal etc? If the latter, of course it is your choice, but I think it is a shame when grandparents don’t do occasional babysitting (assuming they are healthy enough etc to do it).

@Icantbedoingwithit dont tar is all with the same brush! It wasn't put upon me at all - my husband and I insisted we help out with childcare. The two days a week we do are such a joy to us. I love my grandchildren, and it's such a privilege to have a close relationship with them, I feel truly blessed! They keep us young as well - no feeling too decrepit to get off the sofa for us, we're running round the park! We are lucky in that we're relatively young grandparents (early 60's) and we both retired early (55), but it's not a burden at all to us 😀 I respect those that choose not to though! No right or wrong answer, but I'd hate people to see me with my grandchildren and pity me, I'm having the time of my life!

Op says in her op she wants to spend time with GC just not regular childcare. I have a teacher friend who gets put upon by her adult chn when she is off on school holidays!!

I have zero help

very occasionally. Maybe once every 2 years. My kids go to my in laws. But that’s it

I think you are very sensible to make it plain now, OP, before the situation arises.
My dd made it very plain, at least fifteen years ago, that if I need 'care' she won't be providing it. She does a lot for me, but it won't ever be that.

I’m torn as they may really struggle but then not ask you for help. Saying that I hate all the help gps give nowadays, it’s hard enough when you’re in your 30s and 40s, it’s horrible seeing people who can’t trying to keep up with a three or four year old, or lift a baby when they’re finding it tough. Yes all older people are different and all capable, but I’m only 43 and already my knees and back are dodgy so throw on another fifteen odd years and I can’t imagine being anyway able!!

My mum said this to me. Fine I thought. Didn't plan to move any closer because she wasn't going to do it anyway.
But then my brother had a baby at the same time and she very much did look after his kids. And dies school pick up. Not because she wanted to really. They pay the equivalent days nursery through afterschool club and have them eg for holidays or if we need to work.
But she doesn't recall saying that so she says. It's my only gripe!

So many posts on here where the grandparents have said no to their daughters and yes to their sons.

Crazy.

The question didn’t really arise, because I was working full time when my grandchildren were small, so caring for them was restricted to babysitting at weekends and holidays. When they were older and I was part time, I collected them from school, at least once a week, had them for weekends and longer holidays.

I certainly wouldn’t have done it had I been older.

My mum said it at least 10 years before we both had kids and he lived there with his partner and baby, she also says she never said that. But she did though.

OP it’s your choice and absolutely fine, only advice I have is please don’t say “I have done my time” to your kids.

From the other side my mother says this and she means it in a way of “I struggled during my time raising kids and it’s awful; I am not doing it again, I didn’t like having you”.

im sure you don’t mean it in that way but it can be misunderstood and it’s quite hurtful to hear.

We might have moved nearer had we thought 2 days a week childcare would be on offer in the future.

I find it a bit surprising that there's such wide agreement that the things people say they'll do as parents before they have children are widely agreed to be nonsense, but that people still think they know exactly what they'll be like as grandparents. I think a lot of people are seriously underestimating the drop in energy levels as they age, but on the other hand that you won't know how you'll feel about it all until they're here. My in-laws were very clear they'd be hands off grandparents- until DS1 arrived and they decided he was basically the second coming!

For us each set of grandparents do one day a fortnight; obviously that's facilitated by everyone living close together and still having both sets in good health, all of which we are really lucky to have. I can't really imagine them being able to do more than a day or two a week (my parents also do a day a week for my brother's children). We never asked; both sets offered.

Generational gaps are stretching too. If dd has her child at the same age I had her, I’ll be in my early 70’s when I become a grandmother. I’m not sure I’ll be up to looking after a baby/ toddler. Plus I have to admit I didn’t really enjoy the pre school stage even with my own so not sure I’d be anyone’s first choice for nanna-nursery.