To have told my late teens that I won't be contributing

[itspurplestripes]

.. to their childcare arrangements , if and when they have kids. They were really surprised!
Lone parent here, working full time and intend to retire in about ten years. Ie I'll be relatively young.
It was a light conversation but they fully thought that I would be a part of their childcare set up in time.
I will f course be supportive and help
Out when needed and look forward to

Spending time with my grandkids but travel and renewing relationships and rest are certainly at the top of my list !
AIBU. Or is this the norm/ expectation now?

I think as you ‘get on’ having about half the week with children keeps you young!

😬Oh my.

Pardon me but nobody 'gives you grandchildren'. Women make their own decision to have a child who becomes part of your family by dint of that relationship.

Honestly, the mawkish language that is used, it's no wonder that some parents feel they are bestowing some sort of miracle on the world. It is a baby, it is your baby. Be certain of your resources before you have one and don't foist it on your own mother for childcare unless she has explicitly agreed this with you because otherwise it really will end in tears.

DP and I both have serious health conditions. Mine mean I'm unable to work and DP has been working part time for the last 7 months.

We have thoroughly enjoyed doing 2-3 school runs a day and I enjoy looking after our GC 3 days a week during school holidays. My eldest DDs Nan was an absolute God send when she was little. Unfortunately DDs actual Father (my ExH) forgets that and won't help at all.

He's the one missing out, both on the relationship with the DC and the closeness to DD and DSIL. They are always so thankful and I end up saying "Thank you for letting us spend so much time with them".

We are very involved GPs and wouldn't want it any other way. BUT as my SIL keeps saying "You can say No, you know".

It is entirely up to you, but I get far more out of it than I put in.

My late sister told her five kids she wouldn’t be doing any regular childcare if and when any of them had kids of their own. And she stuck to it. She was happy to do babysitting, the odd school run if an appointment of some kind clashed or similar but she wouldn’t commit to anything more.

Nope. Not at all. Nor would it bother me if they decide not to give me grandchildren simply because they don't want them.

You can't decide how other people live their lives.

I do childcare. I never expected to. My husband unexpectedly passed away in March 2018.

My eldest asked if I would help out with childminding once a week, just after. I did think but didn't say, "Don't you know I'm grieving?"

My eldest knowingly or not asking me to help out one day a week kept me going with his first son, my second grandson. I didn't realise how much until we went unto lockdown 18 months later.

They had their 2nd and last at Christmas 2018, so I helped one day a week with two.

The other grandma (who was also widowed young like me in 2019) had them 1 - 2 days a week, and they went in childcare one day a week.

My DiL works weekends on rotation, so my eldest had them on a week.

Now they are both in full-time school. I have them on a Saturday to do Nana time and 1 day a week in the school holidays.

My daughter lives in Canada, so I don't have the thing of juggling. However, in her case, her partner has managed to get 2 full-time jobs that work around what he does.

He works at the airport 5 nights a wwwk and they do have sleep facilities there. He drives the school buses by day. The school bus, as such, is not full-time. However, it pays a full-time wage as he is on 2 split shifts with the day job.

He manages. There is no childcare help out in Canada. The children don't start school until they are 5. There is no reception or nursery hours or support to return to work.

Hence why my SiL does 2 full-time jobs. My daughter wages would go on childminding fees if she worked, so there is no point in her going back to work.

They couldn't manage without two wages.

My eldest is an extremely high earner who lives here. My DiL wanted to return to work. It wouldn't have been worth it without her mom and me on board

Yes, I've already said the same to my late teens. I've brought up my kids; there is no way I'm bringing any others.

I know, right? I struggle to imagine a topic that most teens could be less interested in!

I find it incredibly interesting - that in a time where most working class couples in the western world postpone having children until they can afford it; and very often remain childless altogether because couples never do end up in a place where they’ve saved enough for either a parent to stop working or the nursery fees if they do go back for work - it’s been normalised for their parent’s generation to skip offering help with childcare. It feels like the west will single handedly solve our planet’s overpopulation problem.

Women are no longer financially protected by any societal expectation on their partners to stick around for their children. Women no longer are protected by society’s expectations for their families to help with childcare, women are expected to raise children whilst having a full time job, whilst full time nursery care costs average around a bit more of what you earn on minimum wage.

At this rate, in the Uk daring to reproduce will soon be an occupation reserved for either the very rich, or those who’ve mastered the art of life on benefits.

I wouldn’t like it if my daughter assumed that I would be looking after my grandchildren without discussing it with me. But my parents did not help us at all and my husband’s parents have passed away. But I sat and watched them help my brothers all the time. The difference was my brothers had their kids much younger than me. I felt really resentful and that my parents were like ‘we did that thing with our grandchildren. You’re too late, we’re done now with grandkids’. because of this and the resentment it caused, I would want to help my daughter. I think providing free childcare doesn’t necessarily have to be a regularly scheduled event, but oh my God, what I wouldn’t have given for a free babysitter when my daughter was younger. It really was hard on my husband and I never to have any time alone. I wouldn’t want my daughter to feel like that and I don’t think babysitting on a Saturday evening, every once in awhile would be a huge deal. I have to admit I am so jealous of friends who have involved grandparents. I was speaking to an Italian friend recently and she sends her daughters to Italy every summer to spend like a month with their grandparents. They get to see their cousins too. It it sounds heavenly for her kids and the grandparents and the parents. I am so envious

It's not just in the west young people are deciding they just can't have children (or don't want them) it's all over the world. There's only really Africa left with a high birth rate.

I think it’s totally normal now not to help out.

My parents and their friends are older than you (60-75ish) and they all said similar, that they wouldn’t be helping with childcare. They were all quite proud of it.

I plan to help my kids out though if they want/need it.

And as for helping with childcare, grandmothers have always done this, throughout human history and across every culture. Not helping is the unusual choice rather than the default, or at least it always has been. There's even an evolutionary theory that this is why women go through the menopause, to stop them having more of their own children to free them up to help with grandchildren.

Having said all that, it's all to the good that women have choices (although I'm sure some younger women would love to have children but just can't make it add up) and a grandparent shouldn't be forced to provide care if they don't want to.

I don't think it's a bad thing that tou have been clear OP.

My children are young and I've already said to DH we won't be regular childcare if they have children. We will be happy to help out in emergencies, occasional weekend or a special event etc but not every week 2/3 times a week. I don't want to be held to school holidays or be having to watch the clock on a day.

My children have a very close bond with their Gran (my mum) and she lives 600 miles away and definitely doesn't provide regular childcare but she does occasionally when visiting babysit and we enjoy a night out and are extremely grateful for it.

I don’t think that it was “families” that helped with childcare previously, it was “grandmothers”. Maybe it’s a positive for women that at least at one stage in their life this is no longer an automatic expectation.

Yes me too!
Although I think there's probably only a 50/50 chance they'll have children anyway.

I think key to this is the fact you're a lone parent... me too!

You've likely had to sacrifice an awful lot just to keep the lights on as they've grown up and so time to be able to focus on yourself is key.

I adore my DC, of course I do, but I similarly will not be tying myself to a regular arrangement when there is so much world to still see and explore!

Same, perhaps a couple of days a week max with a mix of childcare. I like walking / exercise and I could imagine myself hopping on a train and walking for hours with a pram as a retiree.

My friends who were most angry with their mothers for their lack of help tended to be the ones with the most useless husbands who did fuck all with their kids. Sometimes their DHs
would join in the slagging off of the grandmothers which was particularly appreciated by DH and I when we were on holiday with said friends and experienced the DH expecting us to help his wife with childcare as he took work calls and “relaxed”.

Before I was married my mother told me straight, 'Don't think you'll dump your kids on me to look after. I've done my share. Your kids, your problems.'
There's no harm in knowing where you stand.

How very strange. But still, it's always good for family members to know where they stand. Time to sit down with them and let them know that you won't be requiring any help from them in your dotage.

I didn't have any help with childcare either. Or well, I had one day from my husbands mum, when I went into hospital to have my third child. In fairness to her, she lives a couple of hours away so couldn't have provided regular childcare. And I wouldn't have let my mum look after my kids even if she wanted to. Both grandads were dead.

I loved it when my children were little so would be very happy to do it all again with grandchildren. As I said though, with how hard life is for young people now, I don't know if I'll have any grandchildren anyway. Half the people on this thread sound like they don't actually even like children, makes me wonder why they bother having any of their own.

If your eldest is 'an extremely high earner', why couldn't she pay for her childcare? I'm sorry to say it but it would be extremely disappointing to me to realise that I had such a selfish and self-absorbed child to put on me when I was grieving.

We're all different, no right way and wrong way, but neither is a grandmother wrong for not wanting to do childcare.

Well, that's another thing.
Absolutely no way would I want or expect my children to help me when I'm elderly. I chose to have children and so actually do feel duty towards them. They didn't ask to be born so as far as I'm concerned, children own their parents nothing.

Goodness me, it's you that is the strange one. Imagine taking that stance with your parent. I would never expect care from my children, I would make provision for that myself but you'd be out of my will quick smart, grandchildren or none.