To have told my late teens that I won't be contributing

[itspurplestripes]

.. to their childcare arrangements , if and when they have kids. They were really surprised!
Lone parent here, working full time and intend to retire in about ten years. Ie I'll be relatively young.
It was a light conversation but they fully thought that I would be a part of their childcare set up in time.
I will f course be supportive and help
Out when needed and look forward to

Spending time with my grandkids but travel and renewing relationships and rest are certainly at the top of my list !
AIBU. Or is this the norm/ expectation now?

Butterdishy, yes, from my understanding, childcare from a village relates to, you see children playing in the park and there are no adults around them, you keep a watchful eye to ensure that no harm comes to them. You see a little one wander off towards a road, you take them back to their parent.

That kind of thing. It's general care of children, not a rota.

Surely this whole argument about 1 day a week even is completely implausible unless you live right by your parents, which will mostly be the lower working class. Most who went to uni will not be living and working in the same town as their parents anyway. Therefore adhoc childcare and the odd sleepover is the only really practical offer that can be made for the majority of people.

Sort of. It means in times of low social mobility whole generations of families will live in the same village and there will be connections. It's not just extended family but it's also not random people, the village all know each other.

Yes, BoomBoom22, also that. When I was young I was so surprised that my schoolmates had family here there and everywhere LOCAL. My extended family weren't even in the same country. My friend was forever 'nipping in to her aunty's'. Unthinkable for me to do the same.

Also, behaviour was corrected but in a 'for your own good' way, it sounds naff but it really wasn't. Neighbours could tell you off if you were doing something wrong and if your parent would hear about it, they would put you right as well.

All of this made children part of the community and I think that's been lost for the reasons that you've said, that and the fact that many grandmothers are now working full time and will be for the foreseeable.

I do feel for families struggling with childcare but at the same time, the glib expectation 'or else', irritates me.

Round of a applause. Unless they will look after you full time in your later years.

I seen this happen with older siblings and my parents love seeing their grandkids but hate the expectations. And guilt tripping when they want to travel or say no. They even have a dairy! Like they were employed!

I never want to do that to them. But have asked in emergencies if they can help which they are happy with.
In 2 years not happened yet.

Same for me. To be honest I don't think I will ever get over the hurt it has caused. Have gone very LC in recent years due to this.

I definitely think that whatever you do, or not do, you need to be scrupulously fair to each of your dc, in terms of money, energy and time, despite location, disparity in wages earned, size of house, stability of relationship, SEN in dc, or whatever.

I know it’s hard to balance it all out but I’ve seen dreadful hurt caused by parents not sticking to this because adult dc equate those things with love.

Weftaway... how does this work in practice though - in respect of childcare? Unless your children have babies at the same time, the same number, with the same pick-up/drop-off times, how can you make it the same?

I can quite imagine a scenario where adult child 1 has a child, then another in 2-3 years but adult child 2 has one or two 5 years later? So much could have changed in terms of capacity there. So much!

It's easy to ring-fence money for your children so that that's equal (unless you have pressing need of it in the meantime) but how on earth would you manage equal childcare, even if you were willing an able to provide it at the time you said you could/would?

What if your adult child 3 isn't ready for children until 5-10 years after you've finished minding the other grandchildren but then they have an expectation of what the other two siblings had?

I'm not trying to play devil's advocate here, I can read the hurt from some posters and it sounds a desperately sad situation. Making childcare availability equal sounds an absolute nightmare to practice in real life.

No, I definitely will not be providing regular childcare on a weekly basis. Will be more than happy to do the occasional bit of babysitting, obviously, but that's it. I would much prefer to contribute towards nursery or childminder fees to be honest.

This.

YANBU. It's good to set expectations. I had DC (now early teens) young and intend to spend my 40's doing all the things I couldn't do in my 20's: travelling, hobbies, being really great at my job, spending time with friends etc. There is no way in this world that I want to spend my whole life centring my plans around childcare.

I might feel differently in 20 years. Until then, any plans my DC might have for having their own children need to take into account that I won't be providing regular childcare.

Edit: As a PP, I'd be happy to fund nursery/a childminder instead and save "grandparent time" for date night babysitting and days out.

I’m been excited to be grandma since before I had kids! Absolutely giddy at the idea of helping out - currently pregnant with number 3 so fingers-crossed grandchildren happen one day.

We only have one set of grandparents for our kids and they have provided one sleepover a month after baby is 1 year old. We’re happy with that! They see (and feed) SIL’s child more regularly and do things like school pick ups. We very much hope to do all of the above when our grandkids come along as it’s a (hopeful) perk of having kids! I think as you ‘get on’ having about half the week with children keeps you young!

I don't think there is a "Norm" Everyone is different and that is fine. Some like being involved, some don.t Some do more than they can manage and resent it , some don't. Some adult childrten expect it as a right some don't!

Either way your kids are clear ...no bad thing ...about where you sit!

I think many people do expect this which i find odd. Never once thought of asking my parents to do this/ they’ve done their share of raising a family and time to enjoy being newly retired. Of course they offer to help in hols etc but I have friends that even questioned why my parents wouldnt automatically do this and when I pointed out they live the other side of London they said why wouldn’t they just move then? Entitled much?

Were your children looked after by grandparents at all? Could that be why there is the expectation?

we (my parent and sister) lived with my grandparents from when I was 9 months to 18 years, so my mum never paid for childcare apart from when my grandparents went on holiday during term time. My mum is completely clueless about my life as a single parent with no relatives within 50 miles of me. She loves 20 miles away. I didn’t expect her help in any way when I had children, and it’s wonderful when she does help on inset days etc. But her lack of understanding of what my situation is likely is a bit annoying at times!

I find it really sad tbh. I'd drop everything to be able to look after my gc's

A little bit hard to be fair though @Weftaway768 if they look after one DGC but 15 years later are unable to look after another DC kids?? so they need to say no when they are 60 in case they can't offer the same when they are 75?? or live near one of their DC but nowhere near the other so can't offer the same childcare... so maybe kids shouldn't be having their own kids much later in life. Choose to have them at 40 & assume grandparents will be too old to offer much regular help...?

I'm curious as to what people's dads and FiLs are saying about childcare? Because all we have here is 'My MIL won't...' 'My mum has said...' The grandads don't seem to be factored in much at all.

I would have loved to look after our grandchildren. My husband wanted freedom to travel and I felt my first loyalty was to him. He had worked hard and was a great Dad. My children always said that it was their decision to have children,therefore would not rely on us.
We always stepped in when needed and had them for weekends sometimes.

Just out of curiosity, would it bother you if they then decided to not give you Grandchildren as they can’t afford it?

I happily looked after 4 grandsons well into my seventies so that their parents could work and further their careers. I saw it as a privilege and my children now have successful careers and my grandsons are close to me. My husband also helped and loved being able to childmind.

It’s contentious but on this point I am of the opinion that we have some ‘obligations’ towards our children - that doesn’t include childcare btw- but children don’t have any obligations towards their parents beyond common decency. That said when I do something special to help my adult children I do often joke ‘just remember this when you’re choosing my care home’.

YANBU but on the other hand given the cost of housing, your children and their children will probably still be living with you by then, so it won’t be a problem. Fast forward and you can get your own back when they all look after you in your old age!

I had a grandmother crying on my shoulder one day at drop off because she was absolutely exhausted, couldn’t even go on holiday, because her son wouldn’t “let her”

a friend of mine’s parents did all the child minding for her children and her in laws were the bad guys because they put their foot down and refused for anything other than once in a while or emergency.

You obviously have a crystal ball as you know whats going to happen! Chill and take it as it comes then put (your) strategies in place.