To have told my late teens that I won't be contributing

[itspurplestripes]

.. to their childcare arrangements , if and when they have kids. They were really surprised!
Lone parent here, working full time and intend to retire in about ten years. Ie I'll be relatively young.
It was a light conversation but they fully thought that I would be a part of their childcare set up in time.
I will f course be supportive and help
Out when needed and look forward to

Spending time with my grandkids but travel and renewing relationships and rest are certainly at the top of my list !
AIBU. Or is this the norm/ expectation now?

It’s not the same thing your parents have already brought you up, you are asking them to do it twice.

So grandparents and the government have to pay so people can have children?

@Icantbedoingwithit we're going round in circles. I answered this literally a few posts ago.

Do you not get on with your parents? You sound as if you don't even like them.

Yawn. You have no argument. My parents brought me up so I sure as hell will return the favour. They don’t have to take care if my kids to qualify.

@WandaWonder where do I have to say they have to pay?

I've said throughout the thread it's GPs choice what they do - if they choose to withhold help fine, and if their children don't help them back then surely thats fine too.

But my point was it's sad that there are demographics who literally cannot afford to have children, and I think it's sad that some GPs who are able to help would deny their children that help because they'd prefer to do hobbies and have holidays (read posts up thread). I just think it's sad - that's all.

I did not mean you personally said that i mean the idea of people saying 'only the rich can have children'

@WandaWonder fair enough. Well it's rubbish there's not a solution really. It's just the society we've ended up in.

@listeningagain I'm not disagreeing with people not wanting to do it all week - I said way up thread that's way too much. 1-2 days is all I've ever known in my friendship circles.

I've said throughout my posts I don't understand why those who are healthy and able wouldn't do one day a week because they don't fancy it because they'd rather be doing something else even if they have 6 other days in the week to do what they want. I think that's different from being so tired you're unable - if that's the case then fair enough.

Once again, where are the people on this thread who have said they'll do nothing for their grandchildren?

@Ohlookwhoitis as I said earlier Thierry are multiple people who have said they will only help in emergencies or an occasional evening.

I'm not discussing with you any more as you keep repeating yourself.

@plinkypink you've nailed it.

Parents will prioritise seeing the GPs who help them out even if it is only one or two days a week.
Parents also want to have quality time with their own kids.
And kids seem to have loads of activities that eat into family time too.

I'd actually agree 5 days a week childcare is probably too much for a lot of GPs but that also depends too an extent on age and stage of the child, an 8 year old doesn't need much physical looking after but still needs someone to be there.

I think I’d be more willing to help if I had a say in how many DCs my DCs had and what the age gap between them was. I think that’s fair, don’t you?

I don't think you can get involved in a couples family planning. Imagine your Mum or MIL even going there.
Remember babies don't always come to order and sometimes they come in pairs.

I think a couple could become quite resentful if they'd 'family planned' to suit Granny. Then baby just doesn't come to order or they M/C'd.

I think what you can say is what you are prepared to offer, child care for a maximum of x days.

I want to be the grandma that watches my DGC playing their sport and cheering from the sidelines, going to their school plays, taking them out for a treat etc. some occasional babysitting, but agree with others, I want to be there as backup not as part of the rotation.

TBH being there as emergency is pretty bloody valuable. Not having to take a day off work because your DC threw up and now needs to stay home for 48 hours, or has a runny nose (thanks Covid for THAT tighter rule...🙄), or the childminder is ill and can't have the DC that day, or any of the multitude of things that go wrong.

The reason why DC get sniffy when their parents can't do childcare because they are going away or have an appointment etc is because they have NO alternative emergency backup, because the emergency backup person is part of the normal rota.

It’s not a prison sentence, but let’s not pretend that looking after young children regularly is easy, stress free fun either. I raised 5 kids. I’m only mid-40s and I’m tired. I genuinely can’t imagine looking after toddlers in my 60s and more importantly I can’t imagine doing it well.
i had a great relationship with my grandparents because the time we spent together was exciting and fun. And that is the kind of grandparent I’d like to be.

I think it's a good idea to have the conversation early to manage expectations. As you said, you can change your mind if you want and they would be pleased.
I'm a single parent like you and have always had to work long hours and massively stress to make it back in time for pick up from after school club. I would love to be able to look after grandchildren one day per week when I didn't have the stress of work so I could actually get there to school pick up on time and enjoy the time with the grandchildren. Or to have them one day a week and go to a regular class like music or football. Both my kids are likely to live far away though due to career choices so I'm likely to be a lady of leisure.
I would be very unwilling to help with any children other than immediate family though so I hear what you are saying!

@Caffeineislife

One grandma I know very well is on her 7th grandchild and is absolutely on her knees. She's done it for all her grandchildren and feels like she can't say no as her DC will call favourites but she's 73 and knackered. She suggested only doing 2 days a week ( she currently does 5 days a week 7-7) and it did not go down well at all and she said ruined xmas. Her DIL is pregnant again so she knows she's got GC number 8 from next year.

That poor woman - my heart goes out to her. I hope her family will be as engaged as she's been when her energy and/or health goes and she needs elder care. 🌹

TBH being there as emergency is pretty bloody valuable. Not having to take a day off work because your DC threw up and now needs to stay home for 48 hours, or has a runny nose (thanks Covid for THAT tighter rule...🙄), or the childminder is ill and can't have the DC that day, or any of the multitude of things that go wrong.

I guess this is where we all have different assumptions about what is and isn't an imposition, and shouldn't assume them for other people. Grandparents do one day a week for us (once a fortnight per set) but I would never send the children if they were too ill for school/nursery - I don't expect anyone but us to risk getting our children's illnesses! They also much prefer having a set day than being asked to drop their plans at the last minute - I'd only ever ask that if it was a real emergency, e.g. someone in hospital. That's what works best for us and I'm confident that we all prefer 'part of the rotation' to 'back up' - I also appreciate that others feel the opposite, but that doesn't mean that one approach is right/fair and the other is wrong/selfish.

Bit early to have that conversation assuming your teens are not planning on having kids anytime soon.

Also, don't then be shocked if in your old age your children take the same view on helping you out.

Much better to save these conversations for when it's relevant imho.

And no I'm not expecting my parents to provide childcare despite them offering.

There was a thread with a similar story a while back.

Coupled with threats she wouldn't see the grandkids if she didn't comply.

Some people are unbelievably selfish using cunts.

Stop lying. I've asked you the same question twice because you are making stuff up and then refusing to provide 'proof'. Your clutching at straws here.