To have told my late teens that I won't be contributing

[itspurplestripes]

.. to their childcare arrangements , if and when they have kids. They were really surprised!
Lone parent here, working full time and intend to retire in about ten years. Ie I'll be relatively young.
It was a light conversation but they fully thought that I would be a part of their childcare set up in time.
I will f course be supportive and help
Out when needed and look forward to

Spending time with my grandkids but travel and renewing relationships and rest are certainly at the top of my list !
AIBU. Or is this the norm/ expectation now?

@plinkypink thank you for talking sense! I have also never met anyone with parents who care for their grandchildren 5 days a week. In my circle, at most it is 1 day a week and the parents are all very grateful.

@Icantbedoingwithit loads of posters have said they wouldn't do anything more than an emergency or occasional evening?! And won't be commuted to particular days.

Therefore they wouldn't take on a day a week which would save £100s in childcare and help them to build a relationship with their GCs.

Have you read the thread? One poster dumps her one year old on her mother in law FOUR days a week at 6 am.

Wouldn’t do herself mind..

I still have youngish children at home, one approaching teens, one barely in teens. I have no idea where they will end up in the world. My care in old age may not even be an option for them. Is that the way you see your relationship with your parents? I'll tell you one thing that I do know for a fact. I 100% know that my children would NEVER emotionally blackmail me with the things you're saying.

@Ohlookwhoitis i’m obviously referring to posters creating imaginary future scenarios and pre warning their teens with such venom that they will absolutely not be helping under any circumstances. The reality is for most that they don’t know how they will feel at the time when grandchildren arrive, if they will even be physically well enough or if their children will even have kids.

DP’s brother has always taken advantage of their Mother. My Mum saw this and told me off ahead of time for something I hadn’t done… because there was no child. Oh how the tune changed. Now she does one day a week but we WFH so she’s not alone.

That being said people have their children later, retirement is later so you can’t reasonably expect to demand parents who have worked their entire life take on childcare for small children.

@Icantbedoingwithit that's one poster, and yes there are a few examples of that people have mentioned.

But how does that change my point that many posters have said they wouldn't commit to anything?!

Most people I know whose GCs help have 1 or at most 2 days help (sometimes from each side) then send them to nursery for the other days.

They are under no obligation to commit to certain days. No obligation to give up work to care for grandchildren and no obligation to give up specific days of their retirement to mind kids all day long . none whatsoever.

I know what you mean. We don’t know OP and their reasons for wanting to make this a devision to be heard by their teenage kids though so can’t judge OP.

one thing I will say is I think it’s a selfish of boomer parents to bring children into this world yet not want to help when their (adult) kids are struggling as they navigate this world with less than their parents have. That mentality I don’t understand. Life is more costly, financially, physically and emotionally for the younger gen.

Nothing to do with OP, but I have selfish parents and wouldn’t trust them with my kids tbf. My parents would not offer to help in a real way that mattered and I know it. I wouldn’t ask them for it either. I would spare my children of that and therefore, I have always felt like me and my other half were always our only team and family when it came to children and can’t rely on others at all. It’s sad that “it takes a village” isnt my reality . I don’t think I could say to my own kids “I wont help you with your family” though. I can’t imagine never being there for them especially during a time as important as raising a beautiful child. But that’s just me.

If you decide to have kids, it NOT the responsibility of your aging parents to take care of them to save you childcare fees.

@Ohlookwhoitis it's not emotional blackmail - it's not a part of the conversation around childcare, but it certainly affects my opinion of people when they can't be bothered to help - why would I then be expected to help them?

The irony of using words like entitled and selfish.

I speak to a lot of other parents and they don't tell the GPs how they feel because cause they don't need the drama but let me tell you those who deny help when they could give it - it is noted and your children absolutely do slate you to their friends. I think there's a few people on this thread learning some home truths.

@Icantbedoingwithit and it's not the children's responsibility to take care of parents in old age. But it's nice if they can and do isn't it...

I gave my kids everything I could. I worked so hard and will continue to work until I am 66. I will be damned if I am going to give up large portions of my retirement starting from scratch again and being tied down by kids. Not a hope. I will do one day a week, I be babysit, do sleepovers etc but I will not do more than that.. I deserve a life too.

I think this is tricky… we have never asked anything of our parents. They don’t look after our children almost at all (my parents occasionally offer and I’m happy if they are happy). But I think some of my friend’s children who do have regular time with their grandparents have lovely relationships with them - particular after the (awful) baby and toddler years. I’m sad my children don’t have that but it was never an option.

My parents also say they don’t want us to look after them in old age but I want to and I will. And I would love to help with my grandchildren in turn - health and logistics permitting. Being the regular childcare arrangement can be tricky but I’d do as much as I can. I appreciate retirement and independence and “I did my time” but then you’ll understand it’s hard - perhaps harder now, and the destruction of the extended family set up is a really sad thing, for individuals, communities, and society.

What are you talking about? I haven't seen one poster on this thread say that they want nothing to do with their grandchildren or anyone saying they will offer nothing. Who are the posters you refer to?

@Icantbedoingwithit no it's lot an obligation - that's the point, you can choose not to. But your children can also choose what relationship to have with you.

I don't know if the people commenting realise how hard young families have it - they don't want childcare help to be selfish - they want it because we've been forced into a society where both parents have to work themselves to the bone to afford the bare minimum and still struggle! Thats a big reason why so many are choosing not to have children - it's v sad.

Why are you being so horrible to people? I don't think most people expect their children to provide care for them when they're elderly. But people generally love their parents and want to help them. Me and my siblings all wanted to help our parents when the time came even though there was no "childcare" provided. Babysitting and emergencies, yes. Your attitude seems really ott.

@Ohlookwhoitis why am I horrible for having an opinion that is different from yours?

I've shared the general feeling amongst the majority of my peers who are from all walks of life. If all you want to hear is from others with the same opinion that's fine, but maybe some people will reflect on the relationship they want to have with their children and grandchildren.

And some will cop on and put a stop to the blatant expectancy and entitlement their kids have. If you can’t afford to put your kids in appropriate childcare don’t have them and stop expecting your aging parents to pick up the slack.

@Icantbedoingwithit I've never said I expect it. Just asking parents not to expect anything back. That's literally it - 2 sides of the same coin. I don't know why people aren't understanding it when it's literally the same thing but in reverse?

Grandparents helping with child care, parents helping their parents when they are older all this help is great, it is the expectation I would have a problem with, how many grandparents genuinely want to look after each grandchild that is born 5 days a week, or whatever so the parents can go to work

If people really do want to help all is good but this idea of I will keep on having children and my parents/IL's will just have to do it attitude or the grandparents are put in a situation where they would find it hard to say no

And yes same for aged care, people have choices just don't put them onto others unless it is actually fair

@Icantbedoingwithit don't have kids if you can't afford childcare is a slippery slope isn't it. There are plenty of families with 2 full time working parents who can't afford full time childcare. That's the world we live in. So only well of people should have children?