To have told my late teens that I won't be contributing

[itspurplestripes]

.. to their childcare arrangements , if and when they have kids. They were really surprised!
Lone parent here, working full time and intend to retire in about ten years. Ie I'll be relatively young.
It was a light conversation but they fully thought that I would be a part of their childcare set up in time.
I will f course be supportive and help
Out when needed and look forward to

Spending time with my grandkids but travel and renewing relationships and rest are certainly at the top of my list !
AIBU. Or is this the norm/ expectation now?

Absolute entitled selfishness! Really shameful behaviour using loved ones like that!!

I met a grandma in her 60’s who looked after her granddaughter 5 days a week, so her daughter and SIL could work. She said ‘well my daughter can’t afford those nursery fees’ I complemented her on sacrificing her retirement and she said ‘oh I’m not retired, I work nights’!!!

How shameful of those parents!!!

Just realised sil usually means sister in law. I meant son in law

Jesus Wept. What is wrong with people?

You find it entitled that someone might not want to do childcare? How do you know they had it easier? That's irrelevant anyway. I've noticed a few posters are ignoring the hordes of posters saying they'll do emergency/holiday/weekend babysitting...seems if it's not regular childcare on a permanent basis, it doesn't count.

I have mentioned it in passing to my eldest, but as DH and I will still be working when they're in their 40s I don't think it's particularly likely to be an issue anyway. DS1 and his GF have decided they want kids at about 27 (they're 17, bless them!), I'll still be in my 40s and have around 2 decades left until I retire!
Our parents were either working or travelling when our DCs were little, we never expected childcare.

I would never have expected or asked for it but i’m so grateful for my mum offering to have my daughter one day a week. She has condensed her hours to do so because she actually shock horror wants to spend time with her grandchild. Our nursery is £100 a day, so can’t even imagine what the costs will be in 10+ years time when even more are forced to close. I absolutely don’t see why a child should help their parents in their old age if they had the ability but chose not to offer to help at all with any form of childcare. I don’t understand why you’d have children in the first place if you resent them so much. My mum was a single parent too btw and worked ridiculously hard so maybe that’s why she has a little more empathy for the struggle.

One day a week is a far cry than grandparents who are expected to do a full week. No comparison.

@Icantbedoingwithit the OP and other posters seem to be suggesting an occasional “fun” day out or emergency babysitting is the absolute maximum they would offer.

Young adults have children because their bodies are at peak fitness to birth and raise them, unlike grandparents who are worn out more with age and experience of already having done it. Of course it is far better for the actual parents to care for their children. This is where two parents working outside the home has skewed normality. I most definitely won't be doing full time care for ds if he has children. Been there, done that. I will of course help out.

My mother used to say the same to myself and my two brothers when we were all in our late teens/early 20s.

We are now all in our 50s and none of us have had children. My mother now whinges about that.

Nothing wrong with that as well as lots of visits.

It's crazy isn't it. There's also a few on this thread who have hinted that if they don't get all they help they need ~demand~ then they'll not be helping the grandparents out as they age.

@Ohlookwhoitis you wouldn't be demanding help in old age there would you? You reap what you sow.

Before having children, I’d have thought you were being a bit mean.

Now I’ve spent a few years watching tired and stressed grandparents struggling at toddler classes and playgroups, I think you’re completely reasonable to set expectations now.

Are you seriously saying that the three of you didn't have children just because your mother wouldn't do childcare for you?

Or, far more likely, did you properly consider your options and come to a decision not to have children as the best thing for you/your lifestyle choices?

Your post smacks of blame.

Everyone saying "I've done my time" like it's a prison sentence. Very sad.

And those saying they never had help so won't give it - what an awful place the world would be if nobody ended the cycle.

No wonder there's a generation of people riddled with mental health issues.

Your parents brought you up, took care of you, supported you, sacrificed for you and you won’t lend a hand in their old age unless they have took on childcare for YOUR kids so have had to do it twice?? Cop on!

I would never have expected or asked for it but i’m so grateful for my mum offering to have my daughter one day a week. She has condensed her hours to do so because she actually shock horror wants to spend time with her grandchild

Does it not count as grandparents spending time with grandchildren if the parents are not working? I spend lots of time with my grandparents but they didn't do childcare.

Mindblowing that grandparents are all for retiring and living their absolute best lives being free at last. However, they then expect their children to drop everything (their children/careers if they’ve managed to hold onto one with no help!) to care for them when their health declines later on and they are selfish if they don’t? Obviously I am only talking about grandparents who have the ability to help not those still working full time or physically unable to.

@Icantbedoingwithit who said they're asking the grandparents to raise the children? The OP and many others in the thread can't be arsed to do one day a week. The 5 days a week conversation is detracting from that - never met anyone whose parents do that much.

I wouldn't say refusing to help because you're busy with holidays and hobbies is 'sacrificing'. Being a parent doesn't end at 18 you know.

It is a daft saying and it's akin to somebody happily celebrating a wedding anniversary of 25 years saying, "I'd have got less with life (in prison)". They don't mean a word of it.

I'm a literal person myself but even though I wouldn't say "I've done my time", I can appreciate that it's not meant in seriousness. For a child to hear this and perceive a slight, there would need to be a backstory. In the same way, some parents swear and/or fight in front of their children... is the child to glean from this that their world is ending? No. Of course not.

It's just silly and that 'I've done my time' is being peppered throughout the thread as if it means something. It doesn't and brandishing it as some sort of 'gotcha' doesn't make it so.

I don’t understand why you’d have children in the first place if you resent them so much

Oh god, I missed this cracker 😂I don't even know where to begin with this. So don't have children unless you're prepared to be a child minder. Spending time together is not good enough, child minding it must be.

We are NOT talking about one day a week,we are talking about much more care than that and you know it.

It's also not just about the childcare itself, but the rejection of help if it can be offered. I'll always help my children if I can and I don't understand revelling in not doing so.

Obviously not talking about those who can't / still work / aren't healthy. We're talking about those who are healthy and able but don't want to give up even a day a week of 'hobbies' so leave their children to struggle.

Sounds pretty reasonable. Just don’t tell them to have kids because you want grandkids like my mum does, even though I know she will do very little to help out if I ever needed her.