To have told my late teens that I won't be contributing

[itspurplestripes]

.. to their childcare arrangements , if and when they have kids. They were really surprised!
Lone parent here, working full time and intend to retire in about ten years. Ie I'll be relatively young.
It was a light conversation but they fully thought that I would be a part of their childcare set up in time.
I will f course be supportive and help
Out when needed and look forward to

Spending time with my grandkids but travel and renewing relationships and rest are certainly at the top of my list !
AIBU. Or is this the norm/ expectation now?

I also think it's weird to announce this to teenagers, unless they have plans to have babies soon. For all you know babies are still 30 years into the future. if you have DSs anyway - but even daughters could be 20 years from now. It's a whole literal lifetime away, I wouldn't rule out point blank that after all that time travelling and having relationships you might appreciate having toddlers round on the regular again. Mention it when it looks likely, for example when they start settling down.

Also I find the entitled children rhetoric a bit much. I would never assume but my mum actually asked me if she could have my DS one day week, which started when he was 3. I'm very happy with it, mainly though because I'm happy for DS to have another loving bond and what she brings to his life. MIL has him on her request a morning a week which is actually more effort to arrange than nursery would be (a drive and she can only do a half day so it means a half day work) but again it's immeasurably worth it for DS's and MIL's sake. I was fine before this arrangement and wouldn't have considered asking. I see it as a way of both grandparents getting to spend time with DS, which is something they both want. Odd to frame it as them doing me a massive favour. If I'm ever lucky enough to be a grandmother I'd want to do the same.

I bet they won't have children anyway.
Loads of young people don't want children anymore. They're just to expensive to have, young people realise that, add in climate crisis. Childfree is the sensible choice. I mean, in a way, you're making the same decision, life is better/easier without children to look after.

If you raised your children as a single parent I think you have done more than enough childminding

My mum said the same to me. I've got to say, it was pretty harsh after she encouraged me to get married young.

When my you gest turns 18, I will have been parenting for 27 years. I will be looking forward to spending time as an adult without the responsibility of a child. But, I will always be there for my kids if they choose to have children and want me to be involved. What a privilege.

My children have arranged working times so they don't need childcare but I'm happy to step in for emergencies. I'd love to do more but we live in different towns and transport takes time.

Also, with regard children being entitled expecting grandparents to look after (non exsistent) children. Well, maybe they are being entitled, but they are also just expecting what has always been done across cultures and through human history. Grandmothers have always helped look after grandchildren. Not helping with childcare is the exception rather than the rule.
Having said all that, just because something has always been done, doesn't mean you have to do it.

DM does a lot of my childcare, as does my MIL.

When the time comes, I’d be delighted to offer similar to my kids, should they want it. But then perhaps I don’t feel knackered by child rearing in the same way most women do as I’ve had a supportive DH and loads of family help.

Such a difference between my privileged experience and what a lone parent with no family help would have to live through.

My parents didn't do childcare (they did some babysitting) but we still helped them when they got older. It wouldn't have occurred to me or my siblings to do otherwise.

Strange post, what makes you think you will be alive by then, in a good physical shape and not with dementia/other disability? What makes you think they will be able to have children? I am amazed at the confidence of people making confident future plans. Or is it a post to make God laugh?

I agree, @Ohlookwhoitis, helping my elderly Dad is nothing to do with how much childcare he did/didn’t provide (not much). My teens are fond of him as well.

They may not want/be able to have kids?

So there were offers to see the grandchildren which you rejected because...it's all about what suited YOU. Not the kids, not the grandparents. Yet here you are years later still griping about it but accuse them of moaning?

@itspurplestripes

your view seems very black and white.

there are lots of options between being GC’s main or full time child carer and not doing any childcare at all.

not even babysitting?

but of course you can say no to any child care at all if you want to.

as long as you understand you can’t THEN complain about either:

how late your own kids might leave having children and just how old a granny you will then be

OR

how you’d like to see them more.

My mum does both of these.

Yet, after a pregnancy scare in my late 20s she like you made it very clear she would not help me if I became a single mum.

i had my first baby in my late thirties having changed career to something better paid and finding a better relationship.

And, when I went back to work I asked her if she wanted regular time with DC. Not even a day a week but perhaps one day every other week or once a month as my aunt did for her GC. She said: absolutely not!

fine, her choice.

but she now complains she doesn’t see much of us and the GC.

and I think she’s a hypocrite:

we’re busy, mum, working and paying for childcare and doing the rest ourselves. So we fit in time to see her around chores, downtime, seeing friends.

she didn’t want to be part of our solution, so she has to accept waiting for her occasional turn for some of our precious free time.

as PP I hope to be fit and well and well off enough to help my children with their kids if they want me to.

That's not the same as almost full time childcare or 2/3/4 days a week for 8/10 hours a day. Plenty of posters have said they'll happily do emergency/weekend/sleepover babysitting of grandchildren.

Not unreasonable at all. My parents have said this for as long as I can remember. They said they wouldn’t be tied to a certain day, but if they were in the country they would happily help out where possible (providing they don’t have plans). I wouldn’t dream of asking them to hamper their retirement for me (not that I say no when they ask if we want them to baby sit so we can have a date night).

Also, you have stated it before they have even had children so they are aware to factor the costs in from the get go.

There does seem to be a shift in people feeling entitled to help from the grandparents. It should be seen as a bonus, not an expectation.

I think this is great. They certainly know where they stand and won’t take you for granted. We have DGC one day a week after school, occasional babysitting and have the family round for family meals and go for outings together. After 30 years in total rearing our kids we are now enjoying partial retirement, travelling and enjoying our hobbies so can’t commit to regular hours.

Exactly as it should be.

I’m not planning on giving regular childcare for any that my DCs might have but their
grandparents lived hundreds of miles away and in the main their friends weren’t looked after by GP either so I don’t think they’d start out with that expectation. However I inherited some property/land that is worth quite a bit of money which I’m planning on selling at some point in the future and passing the proceeds in their entirety on to my DCs in the hope that it will benefit them at a time they need it most i.e. they’ll hopefully be able to afford nursery and also put a roof over their heads.

I still can’t get over the poster who's MIL had to give up work, her independence, her life as she knows it to mind her one year old grandchild from 6 AM IN THE MORNING FOUR DAYS a week and gets paid 1/3 of what they would have to pay in childcare fees to make up her wages. The posters says she couldn’t do it herself and the poor MIL is saying she can’t take in another one as she is obviously struggling AND THEY STILL SEND THE CHILD EVERY DAY! Unbelievably selfish and completely taking advantage of the woman. Utterly shameful behaviour!

I actively made the decision to not have my grandparents do routine childcare. They do the odd emergency hour here and there but my kids are mine and my husband's responsibility. We share childcare which means we don't really see much of eachother but it's only short lived and so we are getting on with it.
I see so many grandparents dealing with tantrums and meltdowns and it must be hard work! My parents enjoy their grandkids, they don't need a monthly rota of responsibilities and chores.

Your kids are teenagers and you are already discussing who is going to look after their kids? Talk about planning early!
This!
I have late teens, can't imagine how that conversation would randomly come about now if they've not even thought about having kids yet!
Maybe I won't babysit, maybe I will, who knows yet,?! Even if I was sure I never wanted to it's a bit pointless coming out with that now.
They were probably taken aback and by surprise.
Trying to imagine my two's responses, imagine something like a shocked look as it's out of the blue and an "erm, oooookay" lol

I've had the same conversation with mine. I will not be looking after their children on a regular basis. I will also not expect any of them to look after me; I expect them to fly away and live their own lives.

I disagree. 2 of my late teens friends have had babies. Both at 19. We discussed about how hard those girls were finding it. One has a mother who is willing to help, one has a mother who will not and so she has to give up college. My daughter asked me what I would do and I said no way to full time childcare at any age.. her answer ? I don’t blame you!
Not too early for the discussion at all ESPECIALLY when it is preempted by the teen which is the case with the OP.

It's crazy isn't it. There's also a few on this thread who have hinted that if they don't get all they help they need ~demand~ then they'll not be helping the grandparents out as they age.