To have told my late teens that I won't be contributing

[itspurplestripes]

.. to their childcare arrangements , if and when they have kids. They were really surprised!
Lone parent here, working full time and intend to retire in about ten years. Ie I'll be relatively young.
It was a light conversation but they fully thought that I would be a part of their childcare set up in time.
I will f course be supportive and help
Out when needed and look forward to

Spending time with my grandkids but travel and renewing relationships and rest are certainly at the top of my list !
AIBU. Or is this the norm/ expectation now?

I feel like that's a deliberate misunderstanding of my post to make me look bad. I asked why your children would think it's the norm, not why the grandparents didn't provide childcare. Did they go to nursery? Surely they were then surrounded by lots of other children who went to nursery

No I think people need to be careful what they wish for and actually think about the big picture.

I was told by Granny when I was pregnant she wasn't up for any regular childcare - fine - decided to offer up babysit so I could hoover on my days off - eh no my days are to have time with my baby.

My 'baby' is getting beyond the childcare stage but there have been moans over the years about hardly seeing kids and pointless suggestions of wanting to take them for afternoons during holidays - except holidays club charges for full days and the holiday club regularly takes the kids on days out.

And as I said weekends are busy, Saturday is killed by kids activities, and Sunday isn't much better.

I should add other Granny does one day in school holidays (she did one day in the pre-school years too). Distance doesn't make it practical for her to.help with afterschool

Having read so many replies and opinions, Im
100% sure that I want to be a loving and involved grandmother but not their childminder.I look forward to spending time with them regularly and helping in a crisis / emergency so I dont feel one bit bad about where my boundaries lie on this issue.I expect they will not be so rude to remind me of my decision and if they do and need explaining , I will do that easily and without guilt.

Well, I’ve told mine not to even have kids! (Lighthearted conversations) And, despite the lightheartedness, I meant it.

If they do choose to have children, I’ll be in the same camp as OP - fun visits, emergency help if needed, sleepovers if I invite them, ice creams, a day trip here and there, bit of babysitting, etc - but I will not do regular care or school runs. So they will need to plan accordingly.

My mother used to say 'When you have kids, don't expect me to babysit!' quite regularly when my sisters and I were teens/early twenties. It used to annoy me when she said it as it felt like an unnecessary dig - a way of affirming that she wouldn't support me. Why do that? Anyway, my older sister has no kids but my younger sister and I took her at her word and ended up living close to each other but very very far away from my mum. She now complains that she doesn't see her four grandkids often enough and any time she is here she insists on babysitting. I appreciate the time she gives, but I keep remembering how she said over and over 'I'm not babysitting!' Couldn't she have said 'I'm so looking forward to having grandkids, it'd be so lovely to have them every now and again but I'm not sure I'd be up for regular childcare.' I don't think she ever thought about the impact of her words and if I mentioned it to her now she'd think I was making a mountain out of a molehill (my feelings never count for anything) but really it was a strong signal to me that she felt that the very little support she gave me when I was growing up was enough, I couldn't and shouldn't expect anything more. I accepted it - what else could I do - but the about face and the complaining really fuck me off. If you push someone away and make it clear you won't support them, do you really expect them to hang around?

My sister and I live close to each other because we've always made it clear we'll support each other, no matter what.

Be careful about sending an unnecessary signal to your children.

@Ohlookwhoitis I find it entitled that generations who had it multiple times easier then wash their hands of responsibility to help their children. Pull the ladder up behind you why don't you. It's heartbreaking reading this thread to see the general attitude of grandparents - could have 6 days a week to go on holiday but that's not enough. While your children and grandchildren might never get to go on holiday. People are literally going without having children because of the cost of childcare - a choice the older generations of today rarely had to make.

Again@kintra my children thought it was the norm because they were surrounded by and friends with children whose GPs provided wraparound care. For the duration of their school
Years.

I cared for my granddaughter when she was small, it was great fun, then her baby sister arrived and 2 of them were not so much fun, some days I was watching the clock, desperately waiting for them to be collected because I was shattered. Help and support is one thing but regular childcare is entirely different

That sounds a very difficult situation. Would your mother in law have had the choice not to give up her part time work? I mean, if she hadn't, would you have been able to manage to put your daughter in childcare?

That is the point I was making really and four days a week with such an early start is a lot and for me it wouldn't have been possible. Even for someone who is able, it is a bind if there is no other option for their family member.

Your mother in law has sacrificed a lot and I hope her son pulls his weight in doing things for her.

You are totally within your rights to do this.

MIL didn't want to commit to help with our DC either. She wanted an a-la-carte approach, do Tuesday 9:30 to 9:35 and Wednesday evenings between Eastenders and Corrie, with everything cancellable at zero notice if something better came along. We obviously made cast iron plans that didn't rely on her in any way. She then got the huff because "She wasn't involved with her Grandchildren"

Be careful what you wish for....

I asked why your children would think it's the norm, not why the grandparents didn't provide childcare. Did they go to nursery? Surely they were then surrounded by lots of other children who went to nursery

Most dc will only be aware of what their current friends situations are, and have no concept of what children they played alongside in Nursery's circumstances were. Most won't remember that much about Nursery even and of course would have no concept of other children's families' childcare arrangements.

Or you know, couples could have the amount of children they can afford to raise ….

I cared for my father in his old age because he'd been a good loving parent to me all my life. Worked long hours in a gruelling job to support me. Taught me, encouraged me and cared for me, putting me ahead of himself in everything. When he finally got to retire, to expect him to roll up his sleeves and start looking after my babies and toddlers as a condition of me not neglecting him when he became frail and ill would not have sat right with me, to put it mildly.

Wild idea I know

That is a fatuous and stupid remark. If that's the extent of human intelligence then, bring on the extinction, it's long overdue.

@BallaiLuimni The signals that I have and will be sending to my children are that they are loved more than anything in the world and that I adore every hair on their head as I will their children but that I will be their children's Grandmother and all That goes with that and not their regular childminder.

Second this. Completely respect the view that they don't want to do childcare, but when it comes down to it they offer for one sibling and not other.

Breakfast club and after school care, then. The situations they would remember. They'd be more familiar with their own situation (and presumably anyone else they attended wraparound care with) than the ones getting collected by granny

I will be helping if my health and finances allow.
But then DDs plan is to work a job that will require regular international travel, to have children will be hard without robust childcare for fairly extended periods of time.

I'd like to enable her to live her dreams without losing out on motherhood.

But we all have our own lives and decisions to make.

What generations are you talking about here exactly? I'm a grandmother, but I'm gen X and about 5 years older than some of the mums at DGDs school. I do some childcare for DGC, but also work FT and will continue to do so for another 15 years. If my generation had it easy then I must have been standing in the wrong queue at the time. If you mean the despised 'boomers', well many of that generation are likely to be of an age where childcare would be a real challenge physically. My parents in law are fit and well for their age, but there's no way they would be able to run round after toddlers.

I think it's fine to be involved as much as you'd like to be. We won't be having any family help with our baby. Our families are also unwilling to travel to visit us. But on the flip side I won't feel obligated to help them in their old age nor do/will we be travelling to visit them regularly.

I'll be helping my child where possible. I want to be the kind of family that supports one another.

There's a very transactional vibe to some of the posts on this thread.

Grandparents will only have a close relationship with the grandchildren if they do regular childcare.
Grandparents can't expect any help in their old age if they don't do regular childcare.

I'm very glad my children aren't so unpleasant. Strange as it may seem, it would make me less inclined to help my children out with their children if they held such opinions.

I used to say to my sons, when they were in their teens and dating that I did not want to be a Grandmother! Two of them are in their 40's and the other two in their 30's and I'm not ( and I don't think I ever will be) a Grandmother.
Be careful OP you may end up like me!

I agree with some pp that while there's nothing wrong with not wanting to do any regular childcare phrasing it as 'I've done my time' isn't very pleasant, even if it's meant jokily. It reminds me of people who go on at their children about how horrible giving birth to them was. They might think it's lighthearted but no one really enjoys the 'joke' that their parents resent them.

For various sad reasons I have no grandchildren.

This could happen to any of you, best not to make assumptions.