To have told my late teens that I won't be contributing

[itspurplestripes]

.. to their childcare arrangements , if and when they have kids. They were really surprised!
Lone parent here, working full time and intend to retire in about ten years. Ie I'll be relatively young.
It was a light conversation but they fully thought that I would be a part of their childcare set up in time.
I will f course be supportive and help
Out when needed and look forward to

Spending time with my grandkids but travel and renewing relationships and rest are certainly at the top of my list !
AIBU. Or is this the norm/ expectation now?

My MIL told me the same - fine by me and was pleased to know to be honest.
They've never been very keen to look after them if we've asked for a night away and a drama usually ensues - that's not so great and our children hate spending time with them to be honest, but that's another story!!

My mum told us this when we were about 10 It put us all off having kids. Now she swears blind she never said such a thing. Just be careful of making sweeping statements. You don’t know how you’ll feel in 10 years and honestly if your kids haven’t asked ; why bring it up? I’m an older mum and will be telling my kid the opposite. It’s really hard raising kids without family support - and I don’t mean full time childcare. Just someone to watch them for half an hour while you go to the dr.

@viridiano It was the conversation with my kids and I that was lighthearted .

I deliberately explained my thoughts factually after that as there seemed to be a need for clarity due to the insults and misunderstanding throughout the thread.

I have just realised that I have never actually known anyone who had grandparents as their main childcare or who was the go to childcare for their grandchildren. I have a toddler now and only one or two of her peers that I know have any significant grandparent involvement. So it would never have crossed my mind to expect it or to mention it.

Since your kids did mention it I think absolutely fair enough to say that’s not in your plans. It’s one thing being an involved grandparent and quite another being expected to be official childminder.

It's not lighthearted though, if you are having all of these thoughts about it. You have pretty strong feelings and thoughts lurking there. You mean what you're saying - it's not lighthearted. You're just pretending it is.

There's a grandma who does wraparound childcare (including drop offs and pickups) 5 days a week for her 3 grand kids at my DS's school. She's got mobility issues and looks pretty worn out and in pain most of the time, but her son seems to give no shits.

I'm with you OP. My parents aren't around (and we wouldn't have asked them) and we wouldn't dream of asking my MIL to do this - she's loving her well-deserved retirement and the time she spends with us and DS.

@itspurplestripes When my mum said this to me in an offhand/ 'lighthearted' way - I knew it wasn't lighthearted. I wasn't stupid! (But actually she's basically done a 180 now that she's 15 years older and would love grandchildren, despite the fact that we're having fertility problems)

Well I’ll be having to work until I’m 71 now it seems so I won’t have a choice even if I wanted too!

It's fine! My mum told me in no uncertain terms several times as a teenager and older I could never depend on her for childcare.

Now I have twins, she does actually do a couple of days if I have a work trip or a date night every now and then. It's brilliant and we are so, so grateful. But I would never have factored a day every week or whatever into our plans. So no YANBU

I guess I know of so many people who never had this conversation with their kids before their kids had their own children

I wouldn't have this conversation with my dc (currently 15 and 18), because I have absolutely no idea right now how I would feel about providing childcare if and when grandchildren happen. I might be delighted to do it, or I might be in ill health or totally knackered. I reserve the right to decide when the situation presents itself! I seriously doubt my dc would come back to our rural area to live when they've left home anyway, so it probably wouldn't be possible.

We never lived near enough to my parents or PIL for them to do childcare, and we moved even further away when my youngest was 6. They might well have offered to do some otherwise. My MIL in particular she is now in her mid 70s and still very fit and energetic!

My sons have known for a while that I wouldn't be up for doing regular childcare- they're 28 and 16.

Emergency childcare- yes. Nights or a weekend for the parents to go away/go out- absolutely. Couple of weeks in summer holidays- bring it on.

But daily, 7am to 6pm childcare? No.

Well that is human extinction ensured thanks to the selfishness brigade.

@itspurplestripes my children have always been in the company of and friends with children whose GPS minded them and did full time for their children.
So this is what my teens thought was the norm,
Generally... My own Parents did not do childcare

Why would your children think it was the norm if their own grandparents didn't look after them growing up? Seems unlikely. If they went to nursery surely they'd be more likely to think that's the norm?

@viridiano totally agree with your posts. Be careful what you wish for etc.

Completely agree, OP.

I would rather contribute financially towards childcare.

@viridiano It's not difficult to understand.

@itspurplestripes was explaining that she hadn't sat her dc down to have a life changing conversation with them about any subject. She was reiterating that it had come up in conversation. It was just chat. She was clear that, despite a few examples they see around them, she just wanted them to know that wasn't 'the norm' in a lot of society, and that, she has no plans to become a full time childminder at any stage in her 50s and 60s.

I'm not sure why you are needling away at this.

My mum doesn’t do any childcare for me or my sisters, not even emergency. She has 6 grandchildren between the ages of 4 and 20. We were allowed to visit her every third Saturday, for a few hours, and she would visit each sister fortnightly on alternating Thursdays, so once every 6 weeks. She spends any holidays with her boyfriend of the month. Haven’t seen her at Christmas since 2010. We all live within 5 minutes drive from each other.

She is now surprised that she doesn’t have the same relationship with her grandchildren that we have with our nan, who didn’t do ‘formal’ childcare as such, but chose to pick us up from school, have sleepovers, take us on outings and make us feel special.

My children plan to be childfree so it’s not something I’ve really thought about, but if I ever do have grandchildren I will aim to be more like my own Nan than my mum.

I can’t imagine having this conversation with my teens .. they’d laugh their heads off at me. Plus I imagine when the time comes I will want to help them as my parents did with mine, but we’re all different

If my parents said this I'd tell them ofcourse it wasn't a problem and I totally understand not wanting to take care of kids when they've done their time, then when they got older and needed help more I wouldn't pick things up from the shop or help them with forms or pick up calls when they wanted a chat unless it was 100% what I felt like doing, because I'd be too busy doing what I wanted to do.

I never factored grandparents into childcare plans and always figured childminder/nursery/wrap around care etc. However we have been lucky that both DM and MIL offered to do one day a week each meaning we have managed with minimal childcare expenses. However both have their own lives and if they go on holiday, want a week off, can't do a week etc, we work around it and are always grateful for whatever they are willing to provide. The DC have wonderful relationships with both their nans.

However, if it's not something you want to or can do, it's so much better to make it clear prior to any GC being conceived. Allows your DC to make plans based on realistic costs rather than assuming you'll pick up the slack.

Apparently I said to my DCs just what you said to yours. At least my DCs say I did and they have never allowed me to forget it. I’m sure, like you, it was a lighthearted comment. However, you may want to keep in mind that they will remember it more than you expect and if like my DCs, trot it out when the moment suits their particular gripe after they become parents.

Like you, I did not want to be a full time, regular childminder but have always been happy to help out for nights out, sleepovers, emergencies and school holidays.

As my DGC grow they are such fun to be around and I hope they feel the same about me. I am still working but hope to retire soon and will be able to do more. But, from the experiences of most of my friends, there is a need for firm boundaries as there is a tendency for every small hiccup to automatically require grandparental solutions, rather than them sorting things out for themselves.

@kintra ...Because they were dead.

I raised my 3 on my own but I’ll definitely be offering babysitting services once a week if wanted so my child can have some me or couple time still. It would have to fit around my work of course but I’m often in bed for 9pm these days so no problem having a baby / toddler staying over. Helps I’m usually up by 5am at the latest too!

I always find the widespread assumption on Mn that the default 'normal' is free childcare from grandparents very weird!

Virtually no one I know was living anywhere close to either set of parents when they had their children, often not even in the same country. I've lived in a lot of different places, and the overwhelming 'norm' as I've seen it is that you pay for every hour your child isn't with you or at school.

DH and I had entirely separate social lives for years. My parents coming to visit and babysitting so we could go out together was a lovely treat when it happened, but I can't imagine that even if I'd lived down the street when we had our son, we'd have had the remotest expectation of anything other than that our parents might have been available in a childcare cock-up or emergency.

Yep, totally reasonable.
My parents told me the same in the mid 1980's and I was fine with this 😊
After 40 to 50 years of working many people are tired, worn out and have had enough.

I won't be doing it either, done my bit without family around to help.
Will obviously help in emergencies and for days out etc but that's it. Wouldn't be a regular thing.