To have told my late teens that I won't be contributing

[itspurplestripes]

.. to their childcare arrangements , if and when they have kids. They were really surprised!
Lone parent here, working full time and intend to retire in about ten years. Ie I'll be relatively young.
It was a light conversation but they fully thought that I would be a part of their childcare set up in time.
I will f course be supportive and help
Out when needed and look forward to

Spending time with my grandkids but travel and renewing relationships and rest are certainly at the top of my list !
AIBU. Or is this the norm/ expectation now?

I don’t know about norm or expectation but my parents did absolutely nothing to help me. As a result I will be offering for my kids. I know how hard it is with no help and it’s not something I would do to my kids if I was able to.

@HazelBite Fingers crossed for you.

@Shodan, that's the word I was looking for but couldn't find- transactional. When did the relationship between DC and their parents stop being one of mutual love and become you do this for me and I'll do this for you? Your parents raise you, pay for everything, love you, help you with house deposits or let you live rent free into adulthood but they're never, ever allowed to say NO? I'm afraid that says far more about selfishness than refusing to be your DGC's daycare. For the record I have no DC but I cared for my DM until she died, not because I owed her anything, but because I loved her.

I absolutely agree op and although my children are still little, it's something I've discussed with family before. I'm of the opinion that you have children, you sort the childcare. I want to actually spend time with my grandchildren, take them out, have sleepovers, babysit and of course I'll be emergency childcare if needed but I'd have no intention of raising them as I feel many grandparents do.

I also want to make sure I treat all my grandchildren equally, which I wouldn't be able to guarantee if I was childcare for say one set of grandkids and then due to age/ability wasn't able to do that for another. It can cause rifts between siblings when you can do more for one set and then not for the other years later and I wouldn't want to cause then if possible.

The plan might be 10-15 years away. It could be next year. You never know what might happen. It’s best to be upfront and clear I think.

I’ve told my late teen/early twenties kids the same. I have at least one child who will never leave home maybe 2. so I have enough caring duties without babies.

👏👏👏

I’m the opposite! I say to mine, please don’t move far away, so we can help with childcare. They roll their eyes at this stage.

Maybe you are right but relationships tend to be transactional. My PILs are retired but are far too busy to visit us. We are expected to visit them instead, we are a considerable distance and often use annual leave to do this or it would almost be a full weekend of just driving. We also have a spare room and they don't, so we end up paying for a hotel. DH has had enough and has said we are no longer doing it. Are we wrong for not accepting the entire burden?

I don't see the helping one another to be any different. If you are unwilling to help your children then why is it not okay for them to take the same stance?

I totally agree with you @Shodan the transactional vibe grinds my gears too.
I don't have kids as I couldn't have them but I've helped my parents out unconditionally over the years due to ill health, etc, without feeling hard done by.
Far from it, they've brought me up.

I've told my 14 year old since been 11 I ain't been a on tap baby sitter and if they get pregnant they are moving out!. Been there done that bought t shirt no thanks. Plus it also reduces the risk of a pregnancy as they know my stance. I agree with you.

Such an interesting thread! I don’t know where I stand on it as my dd are only 10 and 12 and I’m 48 and expecting to work until retirement.

However, when the topic of having kids comes up, I do emphasise the cost and responsibility of this and the need for planning and so on. For example, if they say they want to have a baby at 20 and live round the corner, I talk about what that actually looks like and why it’s probably not the best plan. I don’t remember talking about it with my parents as I wasn’t very maternal as a child!

My parents always said this from when my sister and I were in serious relationships. I think it was good to get it all out in the open. Neither of us wanted to put that burden on them, either. They are always there in an emergency, and are happy to have the kids for the weekend from time to time, and to do school pickups every couple of weeks, but they have their own hobbies and we're glad to see them enjoying their retirement.

My mother in law died in her early 60s and DH and I have always suspected that the full time childcare she did for SIL's kids was what really finished her off. She never got to retire - was minding her grandchildren before her youngest child left home.

I would be happy to help a bit, but I saw something so scary the other day driving dd home it’s burnt into my brain. There was a struggling couple 70yrs odd at a guess, struggling with loads of school bags and pe kits looking utterly bewildered as three children youngest a toddler upwards to school age running so fast headlong towards a main road!! My heart stopped in my chest. The gps hadn’t really even clocked what was happening and had NO CHANCE of catching up, the cars thankfully came to a standstill but they didn’t need to (and usually wouldn’t, some people are idiots)

I wondered what on earth the parents would think if they had seen it.

I won’t be making any promises until I know I have the fitness and wherewithal to care for gc properly. So many seem to look overwhelmed and exhausted, and quite frankly are so kind to offer but too old for the job. We were not designed to raise toddlers as pensioners!

I’ve already told mine, 2 days a week and that’s it
i can’t wait to be a Nan.
our DS and DIL had a miscarriage at 18 weeks last September, it would be due soon😥

My mum said the same and I had kids not expecting 'help' in the form of childcare, particularly regular childcare. She now does 1 school pick up a week, 1 day per week in the school holidays and one sleepover most school holidays. And tells me not to use after school club, she will have them for any extra days. We do use after school club anyway. She can't get enough of them and asks to have them! Did a total 180 after they were born!

If you had no help with childcare from your own parents, then no! I don't think it's unfair of you at all. My grandparents essentially raised me and my siblings, which enabled my mum to work and get a decent paying job without having to pay extortionate childcare, which enabled her to retire early with a great pension, an early retirement payout and the mortgage paid on a beautiful, large detached 4 bed. Which she sold, and then moved 55 miles away to enjoy her retirement in peace. She won't be doing any regular childcare for me. I think that's well rude considering she's only in the position she's in because of my grandparents! 😂 They loved having us though, as they missed out on their own kids childhoods through having to work 7 days a week.

Good for you being so definite about it.

We look after our DGS (15 months) one day a week. It means getting up at 5.15 in the morning, and we get home at 6-30 - 7-ish, depending on traffic.

He's lovely1. Really - a delight,and we love him to bits, but by the time it gets to 4.00 pm we are like wrung-out dish rags, and by the time we get home we're too tired to eat.

I absolutely don't blame you for setting boundaries. You won't love your grandchildren any the less.

My mum said this too. She’s a teacher and is literally planning her holidays to have my 8 month old even though I have childcare sorted for him.

Sounds perfect! I would love this too. Not too much but enough to look forward to. I might stretch to two picks up, one/two days in the holidays and a long weekend time to time to give my dc a proper break!

Same as mine. They be said I’ll knit jumpers and socks. And maybe have them occasionally for trips but that’s it.

DC has seen their own grandmother not contribute at all so it isn’t expected but there is resentment about not knowing my mother well at all.

I’ve said I won’t be like that but I have sacrificed a lot to make sure you’re safe and raised well despite disability etc so I need my adult time before I die.

of course things might change. But for now this is my plan.

Well I'm glad my mum didn't do that I have disabled child and my mum has my girl every few months for a over night and I wouldn't be able to function without it! U never know what is around the corner. I certainly didn't choose my life . I would have much rather not have to rely on my mum giving me a break. But lockdown was horrific and I bearly got through it!

I wont be doing it either....id rather keep working than look after toddlers....of course i will help with emergencies etc.

I have had a similar conversation with my older ones, especially the mid 20's DD and her partner (although it transpired that they both dont want kids so that worked out ok!).

It manages expectations. They can make their decisions based on full facts. It genuinely baffles me that people have kids making assumptions that "oh mum will have the kids" and then are shocked and angered when mum (who is often still working herself) says no and it buggers up their plans. The time to have these conversations is well BEFORE anyone is upduffed, but I have seen friends ask their parents a matter of weeks before they are due to go back after ML and then be absolutely fuming and panicking when the parents are not prepared to give up their own jobs to be freee childcare!

My mum was always very clear about this with me...until the baby was born then she did a u turn and had the bay one morning a week which we both felt wasn't too mich of a burden.

But op of course you don't have to, and l think good on you for laying the groundwork now.

Probably not much to add here after all these pages! But my MIL said it to me when I was pregnant. I found it really annoying tbf. I didn’t want her to contribute at all; but it was the way she said it. I didn’t ask for anything, and definitely did not want anything and she came out with “I won’t be doing childcare for that baby when it’s born. I’ll babysit from time to time, but I don’t want to do regular childcare”. She repeated it several times throughout my pregnancy. Felt really brash and abrupt and also bizarre of her to think I’d want her to!

I was, in fact, a little offended that she thought I’d ask so had to shoot me down in advance. Mil is one of the most annoying, neggy people I know. I did not want her negging away at my child on the regular!

OP - I can’t think why on earth you said it to your children in their late teens. Unless you wanted to complain about parenting them. I think MIL said it to me (in front of DH) as a dig to how much she hated raising DH.