To have told my late teens that I won't be contributing

[itspurplestripes]

.. to their childcare arrangements , if and when they have kids. They were really surprised!
Lone parent here, working full time and intend to retire in about ten years. Ie I'll be relatively young.
It was a light conversation but they fully thought that I would be a part of their childcare set up in time.
I will f course be supportive and help
Out when needed and look forward to

Spending time with my grandkids but travel and renewing relationships and rest are certainly at the top of my list !
AIBU. Or is this the norm/ expectation now?

I never had the conversation with my mam but tbh it never entered my head, shes their Nanna and she gets to do the fun stuff and "break the rules" (which we've already discussed behind the kids backs and agreed on!) She's not their parent, of course she would jump straight in with an emergency or unexpected issue but she was never and will never be my childcare. I too have seen lots of grandparents at the school gates and if they want to do that then that's fantastic but it shouldn't be expected. I say well done you on having the conversation lightheartedly when they lightheartedly brought it up

YANBU.
Is your choice at the end of the day and I completely understand you want that time for you. You will end contributing one way or another and I get that that you don't want to be taken for granted as free daily childcare.

No objections whatsoever.

My kids aren’t even teenagers yet and I’ve warned them already that the more kids they have the less support they will get 😂 I am a young mum and look forward to pursuing my career, travelling and having a bit of time and money for me. We have never had support with ours beyond babysitting and quality time - we manage and will continue to for as long as they need paid childcare. Would be lovely to have a bit more help but we don’t demand it. It wouldn’t go down well and wouldn’t result in an offer of more support anyway.

I guess I just find it so bizarre to have children with no expectation of having to pay for childcare at all - so outside the norm for me. We're incredibly grateful to grandparents for saving us a day a week of childcare but still have, and always expected, a massive childcare bill! Also - and I wince saying this because as a working mum who uses nursery I've had this said to me before and it's not a nice phrase - handing them over every day to grandparents every day to me really does feel like you're having children for someone else to raise.

I know of one woman who did the childcare for two grandchildren but, when her daughter announced she was having a third, said that she wasn't doing any more. I think her daughter ended up leaving her job.

It's a lot to ask of a grandparent.

My mum watched her neighbours "live away" 3 days a week to do childcare for their daughters, and this went on for the best part of 10 years. When I got pregnant she announced that there was no way she would be doing that; she was very happy to do emergency arrangements, have them for a week in half term, take them out and spoil them etc (and then hand them back high on sugar) but she was not going to do permanent childcare for any reason whatsoever.

This was absolutely fine with me (she'd already raised her kids, why would she want to raise someone else's, even mine?) and because she said this up front, I knew to make alternative arrangements. And on occasion when it all fell through, yes, I asked her and yes, she did have the kids. But not on a regular basis.

She has a really good relationship with them now that they are older and this did not affect the relationship at the time either.

I will not be offering to do free childcare for my children, for the same reasons, either.

You can ask for sure but you cannot be upset or offended if a grandparent decides that they don't want to do childcare, even to save you the cost of nursery fees.

Our parents were too elderly and/or disabled to help us, and we never blamed them or expected them to do so. But if I am fit and well enough I will very happily do some regular childcare - if I am lucky enough to have grandchildren, and if my help is wanted.

I don’t have any family for support so have had to rely on paid help when I went back to work after having my daughter. It’s been tough at times but I’ve managed, so I wouldn’t offer that kind of support either - they can outsource! I’m not intending to be the unpaid help! Daughter now 8, so still too young to leave but definitely getting over the worst and the ends in sight!

It's not a ridiculous comment, esp if the parents have choosen to live closer to the supportive GPs.

There was another thread (years ago) by a woman whose husband had offered their help with her stepdaughter's children. She said that she'd always been held at arms length by her stepchildren and was annoyed that he hadn't consulted her (I think he'd assumed she would do the bulk of it). So she booked a flight to go and stay with her sister in Australia / New Zealand. When she got back, the child was going to nursery because the husband had found it too much.

My mum was the same OP. In fact she said to me on my 16th birthday "If you get pregnant I'm not looking after it". That was it, the sex and relationships talk. Presumably she thought that such a pronouncement would deter me from having sex until I was married

I agree with you totally.

I think it's fine to make clear your expectations early-on.

Children expecting their parents to help with long-term, formalised childcare is really entitled and rude behaviour. Because of this, I don't think it's pleasant for future grandparents to proclaim they won't help their children out of no-where either (unless they have bought up their children to be entitled and rude).

I remember one of DH's family said something similar out of the blue when we first announced our pregnancy. I was so offended they thought so little of me.

As you've clarified your DC were bringing up the subject initially, it was very appropriate to set the record straight OP!

If I’m able to, I will provide childcare for any dgc I have. At a minimum though I’m looking at at least 9 years before my DTs are remotely old enough to fall pregnant, and hopefully a good 25+ years before they do!

YANBU to tell them now, it’s best they know and can build it in to future life plans if they decide to have children rather than the fall out if they decide to get pregnant in a few years and expect it. Mine were very clear that they’d not be providing it for any children I might have had on a regular basis, and that’s ok, they’ve done their time with kids, I just planned accordingly. Then had twins, so it all went out the window and I ended up being a SAHM.

That might be part of the reason that I’d provide childcare if I was able to, to ensure that my DD/DIL can stay in paid employment and not be backed into a corner of being stuck at home if they’d really rather be working. To each their own though, I have no idea how my health and bank balance will be if the situation arrives in the future, but personally I’ll do what I can.

Spent 39 years looking after my own children DH 68 when we saw the last one off to university. In the meantime we had five grandchildren.

We really don't have the energy or patience now. Plus health issues. Picking up after school fine, DH is okay with that, but he enjoys them in small doses only. It is what it is.

Your turn of phrase, 'trying to be relevant' is obnoxious. It's entirely appropriate to manage expectations and as can be seen here almost daily, there is a huge entitlement from some that their parents will do childcare (or else).

If our own teenagers are told upfront that they will not have ready-made childcare then that enables them to plan for their own families if and when they choose to have them. Saying 'no regular childcare' upfront doesn't preclude a change of mind but it's the grandparent's decision to offer, not be pestered into it as a fait accompli.

My teen DC are aware I’ll be travelling and scuba diving around the world, NOT being a full time grandmother. Just because I’m a woman does not mean I have to care for others in my spare time and this is a valuable lesson for my daughter .

Outthedoor24...You have totally brushed over the horrendous burden put on the grandparents in this post. Do you think grandparents should just do it? No matter what? That's the way your posts are coming across.

Just to clarify for those who haven't read all posts or who have misunderstood..

This was a light hearted conversation.

My children have always been in the company of and friends with children whose GPS minded them and did full time for their children.
So this is what my teens thought was the norm,
Generally.

My own Parents did not do childcare. I was totally independent of them, intentionally as they had done their raising and then they passed.
I don't believe that t is transactional in that I provide childcare and they provide care of me. In fact I think that's wrong.

I know very few lone parents but the children of those that parent alone, in my experience, have one thing in common and that is that they are the least entitled children I know.

We are incredibly close but they understand that parenting is hard, expensive and self
Sacrificing , especially as a lone parent and appreciate every single thing I do for them. Quite rightly.

Wanting a loving relationship with my GCs in time is very important to me but being their childminder in role does not interest me whatsoever.
I look forward to enjoying them not turning myself to a haggard , resentful workhorse like many have been described on here this afternoon.

My parents said and did this and now I’m expected to help them with old age health problems!

Oh dear...

You say it's a lighthearted conversation but the rest of this post after that is anything but lighthearted.

@viridiano Are
You being deliberately obtuse 😂

Not at all - I just don't understand why you are saying it's lighthearted when it's not?

My mum said this to me when I was in my 20's in a very offhand way - but she meant it - it wasn't lighthearted - and I don't think that what you are saying is either.

My DD is currently one year old and goes to my mother in law four days a week 6-3 to allow me to work, for this we pay her a small amount (approx 1/3rd nursery) as this allowed her to give a morning job up. She has pretty much said she couldn't do it again and we know it's unlikely we will be able to have another based on the childcare costs at nursery.
I know my feelings might change once the difficulty of the first years are over but I've already said I want to be in the right position to be able to contribute to childcare costs but I couldn't do what my MIL does.