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Original poster

Friend Upset I'm Going To Workmates Wedding And Not Hers

319 replies

Addyview · 05/02/2024 09:31

I've worked in my current job for 6 years and been very close to my manager, we started around the same time and I would consider him a friend not just at work but personally. He booked his wedding and sent out the invites a year ago for this August, I accepted straight away and it's been a buzz at work talking about it.

Then there's my friend who I've known since I was about 5, we went through school together and remained extremely close since then and we're still close now we're in our thirties. She got engaged in September and announced last week the wedding is in August on the same day and she said she wants me to be bridesmaid. She had mentioned the date to me before going ahead and I told her I already had a wedding that day and wouldn't be able to go, so when I told her this after the invitation came through she told me she assumed I was joking and prioritise her wedding.

I understand she wanted the date she wanted for her own reasons, but I don't exactly know what I'm supposed to do now. The weddings are 4 hours apart so I can't split my time. I've already accepted my managers invitation and I do really want to go, I know how much its all cost him and he had given me one of his limited places for the ceremony which I know he's only invited people close to him and his fiance to. But my friend is insisting that any "normal" person would cancel a workmates for a friend of nearly 30 years, but I said yes to his first and she already knew this!

I'm a little annoyed in all honesty. I'd told her I wouldn't be able to make that date so when she booked it she shouldn't have expected that I just drop one wedding for hers. I can see why she's peeved off but she's acting as if I'm just passing it up for a strangers wedding when she knows herself how close to my manager I am!

(Just to point out, I am very close to my manager both in and out of work and the only reason I refer to him as my manager in this rather than friend is because its easier to differentiate when I'm trying not to use real names)

OP posts:
Songiii · 05/02/2024 15:11

eesh she shouldn’t have booked that day. It sounds as if you’re really important to her so not having you on that day will be felt. But that’s on her for booking it on the same day

However I don’t think personally I could miss a wedding of a close friend of 30 years.

I think if you don’t go, your friendship could end or change.

WhichEllie · 05/02/2024 15:12

FrankieLet · 05/02/2024 13:54

I think if OP had just said in the first place that these are two very close friends, one she's known from childhood and one she met as an adult, there wouldn't be so many repetitive replies framing it as "best friend Vs workmate" and getting themselves all whipped up about what a terrible person she is 🙄

Nearly every single (repetitive) reply on the thread is that OP accepted the manager’s invite first and should stick with it, and the friend is stupid for booking the same date.

Feelinadequate23 · 05/02/2024 15:13

Your old friend is being totally unfair here. The reality is that if you were that important to her then she would have made sure you could have come. I had eight(!) bridesmaids (MN must hate me, ha!) and I made sure I picked a date all of them were free, as well as both sets of parents and siblings. I would happily have changed date/venue if not, as I genuinely couldn't imagine our day without them there.

When you say she's your oldest friend, is she actually a good friend to you? Are you genuinely close? Or do you just feel obligated to her because you've known her for so long? Completely different scenarios.

With your work friend, I think the fact you're a special guest at the wedding shows you're going to be one of the friendships that last. I know what PP mean about it being an intense but brief friendship, but I've got 2 long term friends who I made at work and no longer work with. We've been good friends for over 7 years since I left in one case and 9 years in the other. So it can work out long term if you're on the same wavelength and properly involve one another in your lives outside of work, which does seem to be the case here.

I think you're doing the right thing by not backing down, but if you feel you need extra bolstering, maybe consider the points above about how good a friend each of them actually are to you.

MoreDangerousThanAWomanScorned · 05/02/2024 15:13

We booked our wedding five months before we held it. We checked the dates with absolutely key people and then had to accept that others wouldn't be able to make it at that notice. Our choice.

Idontjetwashthefucker · 05/02/2024 15:22

Moodicum · 05/02/2024 14:49

If you’re close enough to be a bridesmaid you’re close enough to prioritise her wedding. Work friends come and go. Often you’re extremely close, you move jobs and that naturally fades.

Couldn't disagree more.

And if they were that close, the friend wouldn't have booked her wedding for the ONLY date OP couldn't do

Wetblanket78 · 05/02/2024 15:22

UANBU you told her in advance before she booked the date you already have a wedding to go to on that day. She assumed she took priority thinking she was the better offer over your other friend.

Tbry24 · 05/02/2024 15:22

Obviously stick to your original plans. But I would not want to completely miss a school friends wedding, if there’s a 4 hr timing difference and the venues are close how about accepting an evening invite to friends wedding and daytime at managers? It all depends on style of weddings and venues though.

Tinkerbyebye · 05/02/2024 15:34

You told her, she booked that date, so tough on her

insidethisissue · 05/02/2024 15:40

out of interest

which one would you prefer to go to had this situation not arisen?

insidethisissue · 05/02/2024 15:45

weird that the Op started a thread a few weeks ago about how UNHAPPY she is at work.

Perhaps your manager could address fact you dread work and cry about it?

Friend Upset I'm Going To Workmates Wedding And Not Hers
PerfectTravelTote · 05/02/2024 15:46

Personally, I would prioritise the wedding where I was bridesmaid.

TotalAbsenceOfImperialRaiment · 05/02/2024 15:49

You have already accepted an invitation for that day, so you are not free to attend another wedding or act as bridesmaid. I'd stick with the first wedding and dump the friend. She sounds bonkers.

SabihaN · 05/02/2024 15:52

It's an invitation, not a summons.

AtomicPumpkin · 05/02/2024 15:55

You are dodging a bullet by not being this woman's bridesmaid.

BeaLola · 05/02/2024 15:55

Your Manager but you have made it clear us also a dear friend - you accepted their invite and want to go- go

She knew you couldn't make x date but still went with itv- tough - tbh the way she is behaving sounds like you've dodge a bullet not being a bridesmaid

Idontjetwashthefucker · 05/02/2024 16:00

insidethisissue · 05/02/2024 15:45

weird that the Op started a thread a few weeks ago about how UNHAPPY she is at work.

Perhaps your manager could address fact you dread work and cry about it?

Weirder that you've been searching OP's posts

insidethisissue · 05/02/2024 16:02

Idontjetwashthefucker · 05/02/2024 16:00

Weirder that you've been searching OP's posts

Show quote history

what can i say… sat in car, forgot to bring my book, waiting for end of hockey practise!

ALJT · 05/02/2024 16:03

I’d go to the wedding I agreed to first.

Sunflower8848 · 05/02/2024 16:14

I guess you just have to ask yourself “who am I more likely to have in my life in 10 years time?” I doubt it’s someone you work with…

JaneLawrence · 05/02/2024 16:22

Sounds like she’s prioritised having a summer wedding at this particular venue over having you there.

If someone’s already said that they’re unavailable on x date, then it’s just crazy to expect them to cancel their previous plans and kick up a fuss when they don’t.

Whitecushion · 05/02/2024 16:26

My lovely , close friend rang to tell me the date of her wedding and to ask my children to be bridesmaids. I was really upset because we had been invited to a relatives wedding that day and couldnt not go. Lovely friend actually changed her day to a couple of months later.
Your friend knew but believed she could bully you into changing. That's not really a good friendship.

superplumb · 05/02/2024 16:36

I'd go to the managers wedding. The amount of years friendship is irrelevant to me. You are close friends and you accepted his invite 1st. End of.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 05/02/2024 16:38

Stick to your guns OP! You could tell her you’re hurt that she chose a date that she knew you couldn’t attend as you would have loved to be part of her wedding, even though you warned her.

MrsRachelDanvers · 05/02/2024 16:38

You absolutely did the right thing by honouring the wedding invitation you had already accepted. Poor form from childhood friend to make a big fuss about it and get her fiancé to put pressure on you.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 05/02/2024 16:39

Why not if they are close friends as the OP said? Some of my closest friends are from work, some were over 15 years ago and I see them more than ‘home’ friends.