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Original poster

Friend Upset I'm Going To Workmates Wedding And Not Hers

319 replies

Addyview · 05/02/2024 09:31

I've worked in my current job for 6 years and been very close to my manager, we started around the same time and I would consider him a friend not just at work but personally. He booked his wedding and sent out the invites a year ago for this August, I accepted straight away and it's been a buzz at work talking about it.

Then there's my friend who I've known since I was about 5, we went through school together and remained extremely close since then and we're still close now we're in our thirties. She got engaged in September and announced last week the wedding is in August on the same day and she said she wants me to be bridesmaid. She had mentioned the date to me before going ahead and I told her I already had a wedding that day and wouldn't be able to go, so when I told her this after the invitation came through she told me she assumed I was joking and prioritise her wedding.

I understand she wanted the date she wanted for her own reasons, but I don't exactly know what I'm supposed to do now. The weddings are 4 hours apart so I can't split my time. I've already accepted my managers invitation and I do really want to go, I know how much its all cost him and he had given me one of his limited places for the ceremony which I know he's only invited people close to him and his fiance to. But my friend is insisting that any "normal" person would cancel a workmates for a friend of nearly 30 years, but I said yes to his first and she already knew this!

I'm a little annoyed in all honesty. I'd told her I wouldn't be able to make that date so when she booked it she shouldn't have expected that I just drop one wedding for hers. I can see why she's peeved off but she's acting as if I'm just passing it up for a strangers wedding when she knows herself how close to my manager I am!

(Just to point out, I am very close to my manager both in and out of work and the only reason I refer to him as my manager in this rather than friend is because its easier to differentiate when I'm trying not to use real names)

OP posts:
viridiano · 05/02/2024 16:42

She's being quite entitled to expect you to cancel.

But, personally, I would put the friend I'd known since I was 5 first, especially if she wants you as a bridesmaid.

In your situation, I would cancel the first one and go to hers. But I'd be annoyed that it was expected of me.

Purplecatshopaholic · 05/02/2024 16:46

Your friend is out of order. If you want someone in particular to come to your wedding, and in fact want them to feature in the wedding, you don’t pick a date you already know they can’t do. Pretty simple really. If she expected you to just cancel on your other friend, she’s not really very nice is she…!

dammit88 · 05/02/2024 16:47

I wonder if in another 30 years you will still be friends with your current manager? Id bet my bottom dollar not.

NewName24 · 05/02/2024 16:50

The older friend is completely out of order.

This isn't about how long you have known someone or where you know them from, this is about it being unfortunate that two people you are very close to happen to have planned their weddings on the same day. The 2nd wedding being planned when the bride already knew you couldn't come, being the crucial point.
She had the chance to book that day without you or another day with you, and chose to book it. Which is fine - as you have said. It is a shame, but it is what it is. She can't expect you to cancel being part of the wedding of another very good friend in order to go to her wedding.

SomeCatFromJapan · 05/02/2024 16:51

I'd honour my origininal commitment because a) it was made first and b) I don't appreciate being tested.

WhereYouLeftIt · 05/02/2024 17:05

ECN73 · 05/02/2024 12:58

Maybe it’s me but I see this in a different way. Your friend asked you about dates, you told her you couldn’t do that date. She CHOSE a venue over having you there. I would never have done that. I would want my best friend at my wedding and if she said she was booked up on that day, I’d pick another day. Who the hell just assumes their friend will cancel the other thing? It doesn’t say much about your friend - although I guess in her defence people do go a bit crazy with weddings.

You may have to accept things will change between you and them. If she’s a true friend she will understand or reschedule.

My thought exactly.

"My friend chose the date because the venue she really wanted only had either August on the specific date or a date later on in the year which wouldn't have been a summer wedding. I completely understand her decision to book that venue and go for that date, I wouldn't have expected her to change anything for me. But I did tell her I wouldn't be able to make that date before she booked it so she was at least aware."

She chose a venue over you.
She chose a summer wedding over you.
She expected you to fit your life around hers.

"I never even considered changing my plans, I felt it fair that I'd warned my friend. The only thing that made me take a step back was when my friends fiance called me this weekend and told me how upset she is and he's said she didn't think for a moment that there would ever be a reason I'd miss her wedding."

Jesus wept! You'd told her 'no'. Did she really think wheeling out her fiance would change your mind?

OutwiththeOutCrowd · 05/02/2024 17:10

Would you be able to explain the situation to your manager/friend and see what he says? If he is a good friend, I think he would understand and suggest that you go to the other wedding if it means so much to your old, longstanding friend.

Your old friend has certainly not been the most thoughtful person towards you. Maybe she was caught up in the excitement of the moment and didn't realise how much you were looking forward to the other wedding? If this was a blip and she is usually considerate and respectful, it might be better to overlook her momentary 'bridezilla' selfishness.

Like others, I would be asking myself which friendship is likely to last. The manager/friend is getting married and it might be that you will end up feeling like a third wheel in the longer term with his wife and him.

BowiesJumper · 05/02/2024 17:21

There’s a lot of moving parts in booking a wedding date. I would be gutted if I was your friend.

Your manager won’t have paid for anything for your meal etc yet so he won’t be losing money if you tell him you can’t go. I’m sure he’ll understand when you say your oldest friend is getting married and you’re a bridesmaid.

In your place I would absolutely go to your friend of 30 years wedding and be by her side as a bridesmaid, it will change your friendship if you don’t surely? That said, it doesn’t sound like you’re that bothered about it so maybe she isn’t your best friend?

MadDogMama · 05/02/2024 17:23

IMO "time served" does not mean a friendship is more valuable than one that has been more recently formed. I have friendships from 30+ years ago and then there is my "best" friend who I met 12 years ago.
You made a commitment to attend a friend's wedding, it would be incredibly poor show to go back on that in any case.
Your friend needs to accept that you are unavailable to attend and leave it at that.

Barleysugar86 · 05/02/2024 17:25

I had exactly this scenario- between a cousins wedding (already accepted) and an old friends wedding at a venue I very much wanted to see.

I went to my cousin's wedding and declined my friends because I'd made the commitment. If I'd accepted my friends first, I would have gone to his.

It's basic manners you don't cancel an accepted wedding invitation for a better offer and your friend is being very unfair.

PianPianPiano · 05/02/2024 17:26

BowiesJumper · 05/02/2024 17:21

There’s a lot of moving parts in booking a wedding date. I would be gutted if I was your friend.

Your manager won’t have paid for anything for your meal etc yet so he won’t be losing money if you tell him you can’t go. I’m sure he’ll understand when you say your oldest friend is getting married and you’re a bridesmaid.

In your place I would absolutely go to your friend of 30 years wedding and be by her side as a bridesmaid, it will change your friendship if you don’t surely? That said, it doesn’t sound like you’re that bothered about it so maybe she isn’t your best friend?

I don't think she says the friend is a "best friend" does she? Just that they've been friends a long time, a d that she cares for them both equally.

I don't know why everyone keeps focusing on how it'll be OK to cancel the other friend, sure they won't mind/will understand etc. OP has very clearly said that she wants to go to his wedding and doesnt intend to cancel.

NotQuiteNorma · 05/02/2024 17:39

So given the choice between being bridesmaid for a lifelong friend, you choose a manager you've only known a few years. I can understand why she might feel a little cast aside. It does seem your loyalty is not to your friend. There has to be more to this. What possible reason does she have for thinking you weren't serious when you told her you couldn't do that date? Just how far did the conversation actually go to make it perfectly clear to her? Most people would have registered it wasn't a joke, unless it wasn't made properly 100% clear.

bonzaitree · 05/02/2024 17:40

You told her you couldn’t attend on that date and she booked anyway. Sorry but why do bride-zillas always think their wedding trumps everything else everyone else has going on in their life?

Emotionalsupportviper · 05/02/2024 17:43

MoreDangerousThanAWomanScorned · 05/02/2024 09:43

She is being completely unreasonable. Even if you weren't all that close to your manager you'd already accepted the invitation - it would be so rude to then change your mind because a better offer came in!

This.

Dumping people because something better has come along is awful!

And frankly - if your friend is behaving like this over a clash of dates (which she was warned about), I'll bet she will be a right Bridezilla over every aspect of her wedding from hen night/ weekend/ week to how many bejewelled elephants are needed in the procession up the aisle.

You will be well out of it.

NewName24 · 05/02/2024 18:08

dammit88 · 05/02/2024 16:47

I wonder if in another 30 years you will still be friends with your current manager? Id bet my bottom dollar not.

I think some people are looking at it differently, because the OP chose to describe one friend as 'her Manager' rather than just sticking with the more usual description of Friend A and Friend B ?
OP has been really clear that they are two very good friends, who happened to meet at work. The fact one is now manager of the other is neither here nor there. They are good friends, whose wedding she would like to attend.

Your friend asked you about dates, you told her you couldn’t do that date. She CHOSE a venue over having you there. I would never have done that. I would want my best friend at my wedding and if she said she was booked up on that day, I’d pick another day. Who the hell just assumes their friend will cancel the other thing? It doesn’t say much about your friend

I agree. To me, you check the dates the crucial people are available, then book the wedding. Obviously you can't check with everybody, and you might never find the date if you have huge families, but, if someone says they can't do X date when you ask them, then you have to graciously accept that if you book that date.

Justfinking · 05/02/2024 18:12

NotQuiteNorma · 05/02/2024 17:39

So given the choice between being bridesmaid for a lifelong friend, you choose a manager you've only known a few years. I can understand why she might feel a little cast aside. It does seem your loyalty is not to your friend. There has to be more to this. What possible reason does she have for thinking you weren't serious when you told her you couldn't do that date? Just how far did the conversation actually go to make it perfectly clear to her? Most people would have registered it wasn't a joke, unless it wasn't made properly 100% clear.

Maybe her friend is just a dick? 🤷🏼‍♀️

chattyness · 05/02/2024 18:21

When booking the wedding date it wasn't selfish or bridezilla to make the choice that she wanted out of the dates available at the time. It's her day & should be the best day of her life, no wonder she wants the people she loves the most to celebrate with her !
OP you say you are extremely close, but given your choice I doubt it, this will change your friendship forever and maybe a few others in your wider circle too. The other thing is, what will your manager/friend think of you loyalty wise if you can just say no to your "extremely close friend" of 30 years ? It might win you brownie points at work for hot minute, but it may also get him questioning your loyalty if you can cast aside a life long close friend so casually.

TinyYellow · 05/02/2024 18:28

She knew the date. She prioritised the venue over your attendance. She doesn’t deserve to have complaints about your decision be taken seriously.

How sure are you that she’s telling the truth about that date being the only possible one for weeks either side?

TheBeef · 05/02/2024 18:37

You accepted another invitation, which your Df knew about.

I get why she would be disappointed. You already have a wedding that day.

Maybe make a plan just the two of you to do something special before or after?

TTCSoManyQuestions88 · 05/02/2024 18:37

YANBU. Especially given her behaviour now, I would not cancel the other wedding. Chances are the friendship will be cooling anyway, you will resent being forced into this position.

Old friendships are not necessarily more important that newer ones. People change, mature etc.

empee47 · 05/02/2024 18:42

You couldn’t have done more. Her expecting you to drop the other invitation that you’d already accepted is total arrogance.

godmum56 · 05/02/2024 18:48

"Not love said she, but vanity, sets love a test like that"

Marchintospring · 05/02/2024 18:55

empee47 · 05/02/2024 18:42

You couldn’t have done more. Her expecting you to drop the other invitation that you’d already accepted is total arrogance.

Hardly. Its what 30 year friendships look like. She knows the extent of your friendship as much as you do. Its very hard putting everything together for a wedding.

Having said that OP isn't in the wrong to stick with the first wedding. The fact she likes the sound of it more says it all. It will change old friends relationship and she'll know you aren't that invested in her.

littlemousebigcheese · 05/02/2024 18:55

This is so hard, I'm sorry.
I would send her a lovely message and a bunch of flowers saying you are sorry you can't make it and you love her

She's not being unreasonable for wanting you there, or for feeling devastated that you can't be. You aren't being unreasonable for wanting to go to your other friends (I think saying boss suggests a level of formality you don't seem to have with them and which undermines their 'claim' to have you there on their day? They are your friends and you're going to their wedding, that's it)

If you can't split the day, I'd try and see if you can do something else - a spa weekend, a girls trip, something to show her she's v important to you

Threecrows · 05/02/2024 19:00

milesmachine · 05/02/2024 09:47

@Wasbedeudetetdas nope, I read that bit. That's why I say the Friends attitude is poor. But in all honesty she was probably given the option of one date this summer or next year. My friend has just booked her wedding and had an option of three dates this year.

If you are dead set on a date, you have to appreciate that some people very close to you won’t make it.

the friend is rude to even ask OP to cancel her plans.

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