Friend Upset I'm Going To Workmates Wedding And Not Hers

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I've worked in my current job for 6 years and been very close to my manager, we started around the same time and I would consider him a friend not just at work but personally. He booked his wedding and sent out the invites a year ago for this August, I accepted straight away and it's been a buzz at work talking about it.

Then there's my friend who I've known since I was about 5, we went through school together and remained extremely close since then and we're still close now we're in our thirties. She got engaged in September and announced last week the wedding is in August on the same day and she said she wants me to be bridesmaid. She had mentioned the date to me before going ahead and I told her I already had a wedding that day and wouldn't be able to go, so when I told her this after the invitation came through she told me she assumed I was joking and prioritise her wedding.

I understand she wanted the date she wanted for her own reasons, but I don't exactly know what I'm supposed to do now. The weddings are 4 hours apart so I can't split my time. I've already accepted my managers invitation and I do really want to go, I know how much its all cost him and he had given me one of his limited places for the ceremony which I know he's only invited people close to him and his fiance to. But my friend is insisting that any "normal" person would cancel a workmates for a friend of nearly 30 years, but I said yes to his first and she already knew this!

I'm a little annoyed in all honesty. I'd told her I wouldn't be able to make that date so when she booked it she shouldn't have expected that I just drop one wedding for hers. I can see why she's peeved off but she's acting as if I'm just passing it up for a strangers wedding when she knows herself how close to my manager I am!

(Just to point out, I am very close to my manager both in and out of work and the only reason I refer to him as my manager in this rather than friend is because its easier to differentiate when I'm trying not to use real names)

Oh OP, I feel for you. I think your friendship will be forever altered now. If you don't go your friend will resent it and if you do go you will probably resent it.

@DZbornak Eh?

I agree with this, and usually I'm not selfish but I you may as well go to the wedding you actually want to as there will probably be a fall out either way

I agree.

What's your query?

How is OP a terrible friend...... she'd already told her friend if it was x date she couldn't go, but the "friend" booked it anyway, with full knowledge!

Are you also a very manipulative friend?

I mean, personally I wouldn’t guilt trip her. Her friend is also to blame for booking it the same day. But let’s be real for many of us there’s nothing that would stop us missing a best friend of 20(?) years wedding. Nothing.

op is well within her right to miss it, but it may be to the detriment to the friendship which I’m guessing she may be okay with?

@pootlin please see above

Over the years (I'm 57) I've seen people put a lot of store in work friendships to be very disappointed when they end because of a change in job. It would depend on who the OP would want to talk to if a parent had a terminal diagnosis, a pregnancy loss, or even having to flee DV. I would have thought that it's rare to not have a level of boundaries in place with a male manager when compared to a childhood female friend, even after no longer working together. How much socialising is done outside of work and will that continue after marriage. If they are equal friendships and the OP isn't just in awe of getting an exclusive invitation. Then the invites should be given equal consideration. It will change the friendship.

Please see @Songiii and @Ponoka7 posts, they are explaining far better than I have. Workmates come and go, when you have a friend who you are so close to that you've promised to be each others bridesmaids from a young age then you should honour that. Don't think I'm manipulative no, just think I might have assumed the same as the bride, that the OP was genuinely joking. And I also don't believe the bride is being manipulative either, it looks like she is in utter disbelief and hurt at being cast aside like this for, again, who she will see as a work random.

Those saying the workmate isn't as important I disagree. I've outgrown childhood friends yet friends I've met at work are amongst my closest.

I'm glad you've decided op.

@DZbornak if you're someone that bins off existing commitments as you're suggesting the OP does then you're very rude.

@DZbornak rubbish I've been friends with a workmate, that's now a friend for over 29 years!

I think I've hit a nerve and you're very manipulative and expect the world to revolve around you, even when you know you're "bestie" for ever and ever can't make a date.

Surely if you've been friends for so long, you'd know a friend has decent ethics and wouldn't be so rude as to say "a better offer had come along"!

@DZbornak beautifully illustrates how someone like the bride, thinks. And that's very useful. It doesn't suit the bride to consider that the work friend is a genuine friend. And not just a work random! Or that the OP has obligations and commitments to other people, as well as to her.

The bride can still have the OP at her wedding and as her bridesmaid - all she has to do is change her date.

😄consider me suitably chastised!

And you beautifully illustrate how some people in life have zero loyalty. I guarantee the OP has been caught up in some workplace popularity contest here and will regret this decision down the line when the manager has moved on and binned her. He's even given her an out by saying it's fine for her to cancel on him! And is now possibly judging her decision to prioritise him over a childhood friend. The dynamics of all of this are wild. Oh well, when the OP is no longer useful to him she might see how bosses string staff along while they are useful to them, then have no qualms about casting them off when this is no longer the case. All the best OP and I genuinely mean that!

My best friend of 16 years is a former work colleague. I have many close friends from previous workplaces. This specific situation is not as simple as the majority of posters are making out and I really do feel that OP will look back in years to come and regret this decision.

@DZbornak loyalty isn't doing whatever another person wants, irrespective of whether it lets down other very good friends (who asked first!). The OP feels loyalty to her other friend as well as to the bride. The bride has put her in a really difficult position and also shown no thought as to whether dropping out of the other wedding will cause issues for the OP in her workplace.

Loyalty goes both ways - the bride owed the OP some consideration too. She's chosen her venue above her friend being a bridesmaid.

Just because the manager has said it's fine, that doesn't mean it really is. He's probably very hurt. He considers the OP such a good friend that he's prioritised her being at his ceremony. That's a big deal in a small wedding.

My best friend is someone I met at work. I've only known her for 9 years and I also have a friend I've known for 20 years. However if I'd agreed to do something with one of them I wouldn't ditch them for the other.
I believe if you've agreed to attend then you don't just pull out. Especially as the bride in this case knew her friend could not make that day
She just assumed, even with that knowledge, that her friend would drop all other responsibilities with no thought for her other friend.

I think you’ve dodged a bullet with friends wedding

i doubt it. a very close friend of three decades

Which invitation came first would be the last thing I would consider in this scenario, neither would which wedding I would prefer to go to matter.
For me it would come down to who I cared for the most and who would be potentially hurt, leading to irreversible damage to our friendship/s.
I have 3 friends in my life since I was approx 4 yrs old and I know for a fact this would be a no brainer for any of us. We each would come first as we care and love each other like sisters.
You have stated that while your work friend, of 6 years, would be disappointed if you were not there, your oldest friend, of nearly 30 years, would be not only disappointed but incredibly hurt.
If she does not have form for being awkward, putting you at the bottom of the pecking order, being a bit of a cow over similar situations then I would cut her some slack for assuming she would be your priority.
At the end of the day I think it comes down to which relationship you're prepared to lose/badly damage.
Doesn't sound like that will happen between you and your very good work friend - from his perspective that is.

Are those who have made life long true opposite sex friends at work, is it still going strong through both your marriages? It depends on what you want from friendships but I see so many women not nurturing friendships then are resentful because they don't have friends to go away with etc when their husbands do, later on in life. There's probably a cross over from what people do with friends, going away, going to concerts (without partner)etc or just having a chat and coffee. I notice those talking about work friendships that they are the same sex as them.

You had already accepted the invitation and you had already told her this. I get that she can’t be expected to move her wedding day to accommodate you - the venue might not have even been free - but she also needs to accept that you are close to someone else who invited you to theirs first.