Friend Upset I'm Going To Workmates Wedding And Not Hers

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I've worked in my current job for 6 years and been very close to my manager, we started around the same time and I would consider him a friend not just at work but personally. He booked his wedding and sent out the invites a year ago for this August, I accepted straight away and it's been a buzz at work talking about it.

Then there's my friend who I've known since I was about 5, we went through school together and remained extremely close since then and we're still close now we're in our thirties. She got engaged in September and announced last week the wedding is in August on the same day and she said she wants me to be bridesmaid. She had mentioned the date to me before going ahead and I told her I already had a wedding that day and wouldn't be able to go, so when I told her this after the invitation came through she told me she assumed I was joking and prioritise her wedding.

I understand she wanted the date she wanted for her own reasons, but I don't exactly know what I'm supposed to do now. The weddings are 4 hours apart so I can't split my time. I've already accepted my managers invitation and I do really want to go, I know how much its all cost him and he had given me one of his limited places for the ceremony which I know he's only invited people close to him and his fiance to. But my friend is insisting that any "normal" person would cancel a workmates for a friend of nearly 30 years, but I said yes to his first and she already knew this!

I'm a little annoyed in all honesty. I'd told her I wouldn't be able to make that date so when she booked it she shouldn't have expected that I just drop one wedding for hers. I can see why she's peeved off but she's acting as if I'm just passing it up for a strangers wedding when she knows herself how close to my manager I am!

(Just to point out, I am very close to my manager both in and out of work and the only reason I refer to him as my manager in this rather than friend is because its easier to differentiate when I'm trying not to use real names)

Lots of comments about work-based friendships. My DH has 2 sets of friends - school friends he has knows since 11 with whom he is very close and half a dozen mates he started work with 33 years ago after university. They worked together for 6-8 years, much of that in different departments latterly, and then completely different companies. 33 years later, they have attended each others’s weddings (first and later ones), been godparents to each others children, and still go away on a ‘boys golf tour’ of 4-7 days every year (length varies depending on age of kids etc) and a weekend at the cricket in the Midlands every year.

If there was an event clash between members of the two groups, he would defer to the one he’d already committed to.

These days many people DO make better friendships with people they work with (after all, they must have something in common to end up in a particular sector/doing related jobs) than with people they went to the same primary school with twenty or thirty years ago.

Yes all going strong we are friend not lovers. I work in a male dominated industry, so lots of workmates and friends are male.

I find it unbelievable that people have issues with their partners having friends of the opposite sex, it's so insecure and controlling.

Do NOT go to your friends wedding.

You told her you couldn't make that date and she's ignored you!

Any true friend would never have picked a date her potential bridesmaid can't do.

Also, if you were to pull out of going to your manager's wedding now, then this could make things very difficult at work!

are you that bossy in RL? 😂

Do you go away with them, that included in stag dos etc while leaving your DH at home? Men drop their mothers for their wives, I don't believe that you can rely on a married mans friendship, like you could a lifelong female friend.

@Ponoka7 none of them have had stag dos since we've been friends. One now lives in France, I've been to visit him, my DH stayed home because he chose too.

I didn't leave my DH at home, because he's a grown up now and can decide for himself, to come or not come. He finds the visits a bit boring, because we end up talking about mutual friends and work colleagues, that he doesn't know.

He trusts me, I have no desire to shag my male friends or vice versa.

I know MN can't fathom this, but judging by the posts 90% of the women of here, don't like or trust their husbands

Your view of men dropping their mothers for their wives, I think these are the men that marry the mad bridezilla type women on here. My DH didn't drop his mother for me, my DS has not dropped me.

MN is not representative of the real world, on my opinion.

Friendship doesn’t mean making unreasonable demands and expecting them to be met.

It doesn’t mean expecting a friend to hurt another friend.

You seem to have a similar outlook to the bride.

im also in the minority here but I think you should go to your childhood friends wedding - for everyone saying she deliberately picked a day you couldn’t make, have you tried planning a wedding recently?! You don’t have huge amount of choice.

Yes the friend shouldn’t have said that she thought you were joking but honestly if you are so close that she wants you to be bridesmaid than I can understand from her perspective why she assumed you would prioritise her wedding. We had a similar situation with clashing weddings but I would never have dreamed of not going to my best friends wedding even though we were told about the other wedding first.

From your posts, it sounds like you don’t want to miss your work friends wedding which is fair enough as you did accept it first but I think you need to accept that it will really hurt your childhood friend & she will probably feel like you don’t value you her as much as she values you.

If her friend valued her that much, she wouldn't have booked a date that she knew the OP couldn't do, and then thrown a strop when the OP reminded her that she couldn't do it..

I don’t got bridezilla written all over it

as OP said she was fully aware she was already at a wedding but just expected the other wedding to be kicked to the kerb

@DamnSpots but as the OP said, the friend didn’t really have a choice on dates for the venue. It’s easy to say friend should have picked another date but in principle it might not be so easy.

Absolutely this. I’d be devastated if I was the friend. A lifetime of planning being each other’s bridesmaids v’s the other friend who has even said he’d understand if she didn’t come.

Absolutely this. I’d be devastated if I was the friend. A lifetime of planning being each other’s bridesmaids v’s the other friend who has even said he’d understand if she didn’t come.

Then you'd surely book on a date where the most important guests are available, and not put a specific venue ahead of those people?

It’s difficult but your friend you’ve had all your life should be your priority. Go out with your colleague and his finance and toast their marriage.

@DZbornakbeautifully illustrates how someone like the bride, thinks. And that's very useful. It doesn't suit the bride to consider that the work friend is agenuine friend. And not just a work random! Or that the OP has obligations and commitments to other people, as well as to her.

This is very astute @LadyBird1973

Over the years (I'm 57) I've seen people put a lot of store in work friendships to be very disappointed when they end because of a change in job. It would depend on who the OP would want to talk to if a parent had a terminal diagnosis, a pregnancy loss, or even having to flee DV.

It is quite eye-opening to me that there are people who think you can't become very close friends with people, just because you happened to meet them in a place of work.

I have two dear friends I happen to have met at work, who I would go to with any deep issue like those mentioned, over friends who I happened to have known longer. Some people you just connect with. Length of time of knowing someone isn't the only way of measuring a friendship.

If she wanted you there as a priority, she would have run the potential dates past you well in advance of booking the wedding. My childhood BFF was my MOH and I booked her in before I starting booking the event.

YANBU.

I have always worked on the principle of no cancellation of a function already agreed even if you get a ' better' offer. That way no-one can be accused of being flaky/unreliable etc. One of your friends is going to be upset and it shouldn't be your manager. If you cancel that invite couldn't it cause a rather frosty atmosphere at work?

He's not really a "workmate", he's actually a close friend as well.

YANBU

I think op if I was your friend and you chose not to go after a genuine miscommunication and asking you to be a bridesmaid and knowing you as a best friend from the age of 5 then I would absolutely be thinking the friendship was over as well. I'd not get over that even if I understand the conflict. If your friend was in your shoes what do you think she would do?

It's not just the wedding for her in the way it is for your manager. It's all the run up, the fittings, the planning she wants to share all of that with you. And you're saying no, that would be hard to get past

But the bride could still have all that - she just needs to pick a date where the OP doesn't have a long standing prior commitment

Since you told her you couldn't make that date before she booked her wedding, then it's her error. Obviously, it may damage the friendship - when people find out where they really stand in other people's priorities. Most friendships are never tested. But people usually work out a way to do what they really want to do. I would guess, regardless of circumstance, that you'd rather go to the workmate's wedding. And if both invites had landed on your doorstep the same day, you still would have found a way to justify going to workmate's wedding. It's your life and your choices to make.

You've accepted the first invitation which is the same as giving your word. Not much more to say, is there? Your friend knew the situation and assumed her wishes are more important than your sense of honour.

Where does the OP say they've spent a lifetime planning on being each other's bridesmaids?! You're spinning a whole back story... And if she HAD spent a whole lifetime planning that, and would be devastated if it didn't happen, then when she told OP the date they were considering, and OP said "oh no, I can't do that date, I'll be at my dear friend Fred's wedding then", why on earth did she just crack on with that date?!

@FontSnob WTF lifetime of planning, she's just booked it for August, it's six months

And anyone who seriously started planning their wedding even in their head from age 13, is totally crazy!

Basic good manners: you go to the event you agreed to go to first. Secondly, you TOLD her you couldn't go that day. And she held it that day anyway, so she has no right to expect to see you.
She is more than entitled and rude, because she hasn't bothered even to explain or apologize about why she picked that date, knowing you couldnt go. Someone else was more important than you. Or venue availability. Whatever.
Be polite, express your regrets, maybe even say (if you want to) that you can help with the wedding, or shower, or hen do--if you want to. I wouldn't, given her behaviour, but it may depend on how she behaves going forward. If she apologizes, then maybe yes. If she continues to snipe at you, then no.
And ask yourself: does this "friendship" have a pattern of you always accommodating her, and doing what she wants?