What happens when u don’t have a “village” to raise children

[WhatsMyUsername89]

I appreciate I’m going to sound like a moany old witch, but I just need an area to vent.

we have DD - 2yo, both sets of grandparents live 8-10 min drive away.

I work 3 days a week, however have compressed 4 days worth of work into these hours. So work 11hr days 8:30-7:30.

the other 2 days in the week I have DD!

Last week DD had Hand Foot & Mouth so I had to take days off work, I agreed this with DH because I earn considerably less the financial hit of me taking time off is less than if he did.

I’ve been booked into having a very painful wisdom tooth removed today (last minute appointment) but I have to work. I had so much time off last week I feel cheeky saying I need MORE time off for this.
But I can’t change it to the days I don’t work???? Because I can’t take my 2 year old.

we have no help from family at all, despite both sets of grandparents (neither work) always saying “we will help out always” but funnily when we ask they always have a reason why they can’t.

DH works long hours & is the main earner, we have found with the way things are going in terms of cost of living we can’t afford him taking time off.

so I just feel so stuck, I hear of friends saying “oh my mum/dad/sibling had my child so I can get nails done” and I feel so envious, I can’t even get any support for getting to a doctors/dentist appointment. (I’m very happy for my friends that they are surrounded by helpful - but I feel jealous)

How on earth do you get anything done when you have NO help.

also even if I had this bloody tooth out I’m going to be in pain for days while looking after a toddler and trying to work.

i feel so fed up, but also feel like such a little cow moaning about something that is SUCH a blessing. I’m blessed to have a job, have a beautiful Daughter, a loving husband & access to healthcare.

About I’m frustrated :(

No worries @CharlotteBog . I think it's just a case of it doesn't matter how friendly or neighborly you are, everyone we know works and have their own childcare issues. Most people we know do have some ad hoc help from their extended families though which is different in our case. We help at at school as much as we can so know other parents but when the children are very little it's hard. I helped an older sibling out a couple of times when theirs were very little, I would have done it a lot more if I'd known the difference it makes.

I built it with friends, we would occasionally pay for help, or I just managed.

Are there any NCT friends you could trade a few hours with to have your tooth sorted?

You build your own paid for village. The grandparents get involved as and if they want (and if we are available). We hire cleaning people, baby sitters, etc- whatever help we need

You don't have to isolate with hand foot and mouth so it would have been calpol and off you go for the kids in our house. Can you make the hours up elsewhere or can DH come to the hospital for the removal then give you the kids back. I had two out went for a takeaway then partied the night away at 20 it's no worse than any other tooth.

Could I just add, that having a "village" around becomes easier to achieve when your DC are out of toddlerhood. Since mine are now teens the idea of looking after toddlers for any amount of time, let alone a whole day, is pretty daunting!

Give me a 5 year old, or even better an 8 year old, any day! You can have fun chats, play some board games etc. I have genuinely lost my tolerance for toddler behaviour. Toddler wrangling is just not as much fun for me.

Although I do appreciate that there are people out there that like the toddler age - my sister being one of them. And she adores being a grandmother!!!

There are lone parents of disabled kids with no family who have to manage entirely by themselves.

I realise it's not a race to the bottom but honestly with one dc, a dh and 2 sets of grandparents ( even if they don't do much) you are really fortunate.

Bottom line is that it's tough looking after small children

Your parents and in-laws just don't want to do it, op.

Hard I know. We're in the same boat

Of course not.
Please enjoy life as much as you can - none of us know what's around the corner!

There are no words. I am so sorry you lost your DH and your mother's treatment of you is awful. That should be the time people should rally round you more not less.
I don't blame you for moving away, I think I'd be too angry to see them if that were my parent

When I'm retired and hopefully a nana, I wouldn't be able to commit myself to a regular long term childcare but I would love to show my love and support by caring for my grandchild while my son and partner went out or had a break and certainly while they had essential health appointments. Baffles me why some families don't do this for each other when possible. I sit with my cousins kids while she goes out, we live 20 miles apart. I do this because I love her and them.

I think you’ll be both be in for a shock then when school starts, how are you going to manage that?!
When you are a parent you don’t regularly get annual leave for yourself, how ridiculous. We both have demanding jobs, I’m the mIn earner - all AL goes on childcare. All of it!

I genuinely think that most of the responses on here are wild.

I posted because I felt exhausted and emotional, I almost expected some support. HA what a joke.

instead I’ve been just slated for feeling upset, or been told how someone else has it SOOOO much worse. I’ve been to Tenerife - you’ve deffo been to Eleven-rife - Things are relative are they not?

I’ve also been told to just “spend more money on childcare” - when I’ve all ready said we can’t afford more

That my DH is the problem because I want him to look after himself AS WELL as us.

to the tiny amount of people who were kind, thank you so much.

to everyone else, thank you so much for making me feel even worse and telling me everything I’m doing wrong. When all I needed was a hand hold.

Thank you for your kind comment. It’s nice to know that some people relate!!
my friends sound similar to yours! - lots of mine don’t have kids but do have a group of mum friends!!

It's AIBU, where you get the most honest and frank responses.
I personally don't see many 'wild' responses tbh, just folk giving their perspective.
Did you want solutions or just a moan? Both are valid, but if you didn't want solutions you should have said that.

We don't have any help from GPS- they are abroad. Even when they visit they don't help much as they aren't physically fit enough.

We manage to work it out between us. DH's work allows him to wfh and he can take time off at short notice. I'm a sahm so I can manage most things with dcs in tow, except certain medical appointments. For short appointments I've been able to drop off DD2 at DH's office while he'll watch her for an hour or so. But I wouldn't do that for non-essential appointments like hair and nails (I just don't get them done, but I'm not interested anyway). DCs are thankfully very rarely ill enough to need to stay home from school/nursery. Generally if NHS advises they don't need to stay off, I'll send them in.

We wouldn't consider using friends or neighbours for childcare but we could pay for sitters or use after school care if needed. We aren't keen on using sitters with youngest DC yet, so we don't have child-free nights out at all. When they are older we probably will.

Op people get an unreasonable amount of harsh responses on this subject. Controversial but I think grandparents should help - how on earth do you know your child is in dental pain and not offer to watch your grandchild to let them rest. It’s bizarre to me! Especially when their parents helped them!

My parents are amazing and my heart goes out to you - building a village outside of family isn’t easy. I’v tried really hard for a couple of years now since children started school and made a little progress but no one I feel could step in in the situation you describe.

Can you find other parents and start a baby sitting club? Everyone gets 12 half hour cards and membership of a whatsapp group and you "pay" with your cards. Ours was only evenings out, but no reason you couldn't use them for short day care if you know other parents with compressed hours.

I think lots of posters are sympathetic when someone doesn't have family support generally - I don't have any family support and it is hard. It wasn't great - for example - to go to my scan for DS2 on my own because it was scheduled for 5pm and my DH had to go and pick DS1 up from nursery.

I think where you lost people was when you went on about how your DH shouldn't have to be a parent because he provides financially and a day off when you go to the dentist will cause him to burn out.

I never ever said he shouldn’t be a parent. I just said that he’s used lots of his leave to help with childcare and Im mindful that he also needs a break…. He has a very physical and mental job. As his wife am I not allowed to want him to be rested? As I’ve said numerous times, he takes lots of leave for childcare but my point is that he can’t always do it.

This group is genuinely full of man haters that will do everything in their power to “blame the man”. My husband works relentless hours, uses his leave for childcare but ALSO need a break.

You described your child as "my responsibility" and then said

My husband’s responsibility is to provide financial support so we can keep our home, eat & put our child in clothes. Pretty heavily implying that looking after your child isn't his responsibility

He’s not helping with childcare, he’s parenting, that’s what he signed up for when he decided as an adult to have children. I can’t believe how rife this misogynistic thinking still is, it’s his responsibility to cover whilst you go to the dentist, it’s not another woman’s job to help with your kids so that Mr Big Bollocks doesn’t have to take a couple of hours off work.

I would highly advise against number 4. With a wisdom tooth extraction if it turns out to be very difficult it could get quite distressing for the child if their parent looks to be in pain/distress.
Even normal routine dentistry I advise against bringing children who aren't really old enough to behave perfectly.
I'm a hygienist, I work alone so no nurse to keep an eye on a child. I recently had a mother bring a toddler who was strapped into a buggy who was very very upset. She tried to placate him with a phone and food but it wasn't helping. 15 mins into a 30 min appointment we hadn't really managed to start yet. Needed to end it after the child threw the phone and landed on the mothers face with my hands/instruments in her mouth. That could have been much worse than it was. I ended up agreeing not to charge the woman as we didn't really clean her teeth. But that meant I didn't get paid either. So we all had a stressful 20 mins and none of us got anything out of it.
I've had children running round the surgery touching things and I have to keep stopping to check what they're doing. Children saying mum mum mum mum constantly and obviously mum can't answer unless I stop treatment (which the parent often does as they want to answer).
Obviously I've had well behaved children happily sit there in silence for the whole appointment. And i show them the equipment at the end and they can have a quick play on the chair etc. But I don't think it's risk people should take unless the child is an appropriate age.

please don’t start name calling. You seem very angry….I don’t have another woman to to help with my child??? I’ve said he’s taken lots of times off for childcare

This is why you shouldn’t make assumptions. You think I’m implying something; I’m not

I can’t provide financial support like he can does that mean it’s not my responsibility?

No it doesn’t. I still hold some financial responsibility JUST LIKE he provides childcare responsibilities…. Because as I’ve now said 3000 times; he does look after his child. He does take time off for childcare.

No need, I think, to kick the OP when she is down and in pain.

And as I said earlier, I had zero help. It is hard.