What happens when u don’t have a “village” to raise children

[WhatsMyUsername89]

I appreciate I’m going to sound like a moany old witch, but I just need an area to vent.

we have DD - 2yo, both sets of grandparents live 8-10 min drive away.

I work 3 days a week, however have compressed 4 days worth of work into these hours. So work 11hr days 8:30-7:30.

the other 2 days in the week I have DD!

Last week DD had Hand Foot & Mouth so I had to take days off work, I agreed this with DH because I earn considerably less the financial hit of me taking time off is less than if he did.

I’ve been booked into having a very painful wisdom tooth removed today (last minute appointment) but I have to work. I had so much time off last week I feel cheeky saying I need MORE time off for this.
But I can’t change it to the days I don’t work???? Because I can’t take my 2 year old.

we have no help from family at all, despite both sets of grandparents (neither work) always saying “we will help out always” but funnily when we ask they always have a reason why they can’t.

DH works long hours & is the main earner, we have found with the way things are going in terms of cost of living we can’t afford him taking time off.

so I just feel so stuck, I hear of friends saying “oh my mum/dad/sibling had my child so I can get nails done” and I feel so envious, I can’t even get any support for getting to a doctors/dentist appointment. (I’m very happy for my friends that they are surrounded by helpful - but I feel jealous)

How on earth do you get anything done when you have NO help.

also even if I had this bloody tooth out I’m going to be in pain for days while looking after a toddler and trying to work.

i feel so fed up, but also feel like such a little cow moaning about something that is SUCH a blessing. I’m blessed to have a job, have a beautiful Daughter, a loving husband & access to healthcare.

About I’m frustrated :(

Neighbours or school parents have phone numbers. What has answering the door got to do with it??

School, do things that need to be done on weekends, no babysitting options for us, I’m a trailing spouse so I gave up work. It’s not easy at all but one day they will be older and it will get much easier. But yeah it’s not easy. I would never want to do regular childcare for my DC tbh (burnt out already) but would always be available for short notice lending a hand.

Got to be honest, a lot of the time women are not treated so well either. You entire value is in birthing/bringing up children. No thanks.

We both work full time and no family in this country. But for the last 5 year we managed reasonably well. You will probably need to be a bit more organized and have a different mindset, but it is absolutely doable. We split responsibilities, that included also emergency childcare. In your case, if you took time off when your little one was poorly and you couldn't easily book it again for your medical need, your other half should have stepped in.

The only person I rely on for going to have my nails done, as per your example, is my husband. And I stay with my son when he needs/wants to go out too.
I admit it gest a little more complicated if both of us want to go out together, but in a way this is easier to organize via a baby sitter....

Not heated or even that interested, just got a bit too much time on my hands like a lot of posters here.
I'm sorry for both of you. Hope things improve and your life threatening illness either improves or doesn't come back (whichever is appropriate).

Lol same. Now said younger sibling (also full grown adult) is regularly used the reason they're far too busy for us.

Child falls off their bike outside your house, a passing driver stops to help and knocks on your door to ask for help.
The 'village' concept works if that person answers the door.
It's not just the people you know, it's the whole community considering the children around them; helping to provide a safe environment.

I paid for childcare and worked part time. I would suggest reducing your hours so your just doing normal days and less tired and make cut backs in other areas.

I had two 13 months apart and my parents lived a 10 min drive away but never helped as my sister pawned my niece off on them every hour of the day that they couldn’t manage anymore than looking after my niece and when she wasn’t there they had a ‘’day off’. It’s not ideal and hard work but you just cope and get by. I had to take my baby in a pram to a 6 week anti natal check and a dental appointment etc etc. Yet my sister got her one daughter looked after if she was doing house work, going to the hairdressers, needed to talk to her partner etc etc.

You are being overly dramatic with your tooth it hurts at the time and you have to be careful what you eat but it doesn’t hurt for days.

Agree. To give an example from today - doorbell went, I answered (because I am a normal person) and it was the postie saying that next door had left their keys in the front door. We are in London, that just isn't safe. I took keys in, texted my neighbour, it's all good.

But if I hadn't, they would very likely have been burgled. Worth answering the door, I think

Not to “compete” but I literally have no one. Mum died years ago, my family is in another country. The ex is abusive so less than helpful. I was sick recently while looking after my sick little one / like really sick, we both were in A&E. I do have friends but it’s not really the sort of stuff you can ask for help with. And I have in the past, and it hasn’t been forthcoming for various reasons but mostly due to them being busy too.
So I don’t know! My teeth are literally falling out of my head because I just cannot get to the dentist, and other issues around health and just life planning don’t get a look in at all. Let me know if you find the answer

I'm afraid I agree that your dh needs to take annual leave to look after dd if you cannot. The village needs to start at home. If your husband can't or is unwilling to look after your dd for a couple of days then you can hardly expect anyone else to.

I don't have a partner, but I do have a village. I have my mum, mum friends, and paid childcare. it's taken me years to form a support network, and I had less of one when my dc1 was a toddler. They are 8 & 5 now.

My "village" and I do very occasional childcare swaps and school runs for each other as one offs. I wouldn't look after a friend's toddler whilst they went in for an operation unless there wasn't a partner around. That's what the partner needs to be doing.

In my case there are no family to watch the kids. Not ever. They are too far away, and most of them wouldn't be interested anyway. It means that I have to do every single thing (I do have a few local friends who would help in a dire emergency but I'm saving that for if and when something unavoidable happens!).

It is utterly, utterly hard and exhausting. The reward is the children, of course, their personalities and their love. It is so hard though.

I look at friends with grandparents on tap and I have felt bitterly aggrieved that my life is a stream of survival and difficulty in comparison. But life isn't fair. We don't get to be treated equally. We have to keep going.

That’s amazing of your mum, mine wouldn’t even come to ours when my DC was born when my DH had gone back to work as she conveniently booked a holiday for that time, and not one that was booked in advance of my being pregnant.

The "it takes a village brigade" dont tend to like the village idea when you tell their child off for running round a coffee shop when hot drinks and food are being served

It’s really hard.
I would book DD into nursery an extra day (if available) for the dentist. Failing which, DH would take a days leave.
As a manager however, I expect sick children to be a joint responsibility. Why should your employer take the full hit of child illness related absence? The message you’re giving your employer, husband and - in time - your child - is that your job is less important

it's very hard

We do not have a village. It is just my husband and to take care of our 2 children. When they were small I worked evenings, so that I was available for all day time appointments and my husband could work un interrupted. He would then take over childcare and I would go to work. Now that they are both at school I work term time so that I can take care of them in the holidays. It can be hard but we have worked well together to do what we need to do for our family.

@CharlotteBog that's a bit ridiculous, of course I'll answer the door if there's an accident outside my house. There was in the last few weeks a scooter accident outside and us and the neighbours called an ambulance and waited with the injured man until it came. Were also in contact through the neighborhood WhatsApp group to help the police with doorbell footage etc.

@Butterdishy maybe you're one of my older siblings 😅

You pay people. You put your children in nursery and schedule everything around that. You get babysitters and make a good relationship with them.

You pay a lot of money out to childcare providers, get very good at stretching 20 days AL over a year, become the most militantly organised person in your friendship group and emerge 15 years later (2 children for me, 3 year age gap) totally broke and knackered but on the other side at least 😆

I suspect they either hire help or they’re senior enough in their role that they have control over their calendar and can flex their schedule to attend health appointments etc.

I said many people on MN don't answer the door, I didn't suggest YOU don't. I'm sorry if you felt my comment was directed at you.

Okay that's hard now.

Maybe just try your parents and parents in law surely they would understand that you have a dental appmt?

Hope this helps
Busymomof3

In this situation my husband would have taken annual leave.

Other times, there was another family with young children and far away grandparents and we helped each other out from time to time.

You're going to get flamed on here OP because mumsnet seems to think that everyone should raise their own children 24/7 for 18+ years without a single hour of help from family but the reality is almost everyone I know has help to varying degrees from their family... except me (in my friendship group) and all of my friends think it is wrong that my family, to put it bluntly, are useless.
Instead, I have called on a couple of friends in emergencies (eg doctors appointment) but unfortunately if I want luxuries like nails I'd have to pay nursery (which I just don't bother with anymore).
It's hard and I really empathise with you ❤💐