What happens when u don’t have a “village” to raise children

[WhatsMyUsername89]

I appreciate I’m going to sound like a moany old witch, but I just need an area to vent.

we have DD - 2yo, both sets of grandparents live 8-10 min drive away.

I work 3 days a week, however have compressed 4 days worth of work into these hours. So work 11hr days 8:30-7:30.

the other 2 days in the week I have DD!

Last week DD had Hand Foot & Mouth so I had to take days off work, I agreed this with DH because I earn considerably less the financial hit of me taking time off is less than if he did.

I’ve been booked into having a very painful wisdom tooth removed today (last minute appointment) but I have to work. I had so much time off last week I feel cheeky saying I need MORE time off for this.
But I can’t change it to the days I don’t work???? Because I can’t take my 2 year old.

we have no help from family at all, despite both sets of grandparents (neither work) always saying “we will help out always” but funnily when we ask they always have a reason why they can’t.

DH works long hours & is the main earner, we have found with the way things are going in terms of cost of living we can’t afford him taking time off.

so I just feel so stuck, I hear of friends saying “oh my mum/dad/sibling had my child so I can get nails done” and I feel so envious, I can’t even get any support for getting to a doctors/dentist appointment. (I’m very happy for my friends that they are surrounded by helpful - but I feel jealous)

How on earth do you get anything done when you have NO help.

also even if I had this bloody tooth out I’m going to be in pain for days while looking after a toddler and trying to work.

i feel so fed up, but also feel like such a little cow moaning about something that is SUCH a blessing. I’m blessed to have a job, have a beautiful Daughter, a loving husband & access to healthcare.

About I’m frustrated :(

The child has two parents, so one should pick up child care duties when the other is unable to do them. How do you think single parents manage?

I have been (& to an extent still am) in a similar situation, op, and what I have somehow found over the last few years - our children are a little older then yours - is a couple of really good friends who also have no support and we have become each others village. I used to dread sickness or injury for any of us as the whole situation was just so precarious but now I know that when the shit hits the fan I won't be completely alone! It's a good feeling and of course a massive relief..

Can you somehow cast your net via your DC childcare social media or other child related groups to try to find others in a similar situation so you can build similar...? I guarantee you aren't alone in this in your area, just takes someone to make the first move! You might even make some good personal connections, you never know!

Whilst it's not ideal, it is an option and has been okayed at my dentist. Obviously all other options should be explored first and in this case there is a dad who can look after the child but op doesn't seem to want that to happen.

My two are 15 and nearly 12. It’s been incredibly difficult. They’ve both been diagnosed with various conditions over the years which have served us with additional challenges. We’re exhausted. We’ve battled a huge amount mentally and physically. I feel quite a bit older than I am. During some seasons we’ve been able to pay for domestic help, but it hasn’t always been affordable. Acceptance was a turning point though - accepting that this is the hand we’re dealt, and we’ll do our absolute best. And we have.

Of course if it's been okay'd by the dentist then yes it's fine. But they can at least warn you about all the issues it could cause including needing to stop treatment half way through etc and the parent can make an informed decision.
My patient wasn't particularly happy that I said we needed to stop treatment. She agreed, but wasn't happy. If I'd have been able to warn her in advance (and explain she'd need to pay regardless) then it might have been a better experience.

Why would I be angry? I’m not the one fretting over getting a tooth out because I can’t ask my husband to look after his own kids so I don’t have to be in pain. You’re wanting grandmothers to step in so your husband doesn’t have to, don’t you see how entitled that is? It’s not other womens job to take on his share of parenting, they have their own lives too, even if you don’t think their stuff is as important as your husbands.

My family dont / won't help either. Unless I'm giving birth. I didn't even have anyone to ask when dh had a very serious accident, luckily my sister offorded dispote being almost two hours away.

My eldest is 20. I do feel he has missed out on a lot, no older generation interested in him full stop. No guidance for us when things have been extremely hard.

Now I just tell mil everything is OK when dd has in fact been suspended twice. I think of mil as a aunt. Fil.as far as I'm concerned is dead to me as not seen him in 7 years.

Its really tough. But it's also made me recently much less caring to these people. Ds reaching adulthood and the reality of them being disinterested. After my mum died ( who we did see but again we ran around) I silently promised myself I'm never ever going to be involved in in laws care. Ever

It is absolutely amazing how many men can't take carer's leave/ annual leave to support their family. You see it far too much.

Many men 'can't' take time off their big important jobs because they've never had that conversation with work because they know their wife will do it. Bloody depressing but true.

Can he save 5 days of annual leave every year to take when needed for sickness? I know a few people who do this.

We don't have a village. No family to help or support. Too many women take the full load in the early years and then it just continues. It's amazing how many women talk of the juggle of work and childcare but not so many men.

That's rude.

@WhatsMyUsername89 I am sorry you're hurting and finding it so hard. Lots of us have said we also have no help and do sympathise. But flinging around insults to strangers on the internet isn't going to make you feel better.

In fact, raging about the situation isn't going to make you feel better either and I think that's what some people were trying to say - constantly comparing yourself to other people and being angry that they have more than you is a recipe for disaster.
It will get easier. I know it seems like a long way off but I found school easier for getting to know other parents and sharing childcare.

WhatsMyUsername89

He has a very physical and mental job.

What jobs aren't "physical and mental"?
I fancy one of those.
Could I get paid for lying down and not engaging my brain?
Or is "physical and mental" just a description of what a "job" is?
Do any posters have one of these positions that don't require physical or mental abilities? I'm definitely jealous if you do.

That is incredibly rude, OP. The poster makes the reasonable point that you are expecting grandparents (and in reality it is usually grandmothers) to help with childcare instead of your husband looking after his own child.

It also seems ridiculous to many posters (including me) that you seem to say that your husband can’t take time off work/ use annual leave to cover childcare, but can use annual leave for a ‘mental health day’. While it is nice to be able to do that (I have myself, and so has my DH), it shouldn’t be prioritised over childcare needs.

EllieQ

That is incredibly rude, OP.

It did sound rude, didn't it?
But you can tell it was meant sincerely because of the not passive aggressive at all "x" at the end.
In the same spirit, I hope the OP gets help for all or any personaity flaws she may have.

Oh! Forgot to add the nice "x"

@Sususudio I appreciate that's true in your case and for some others certainly, but it's not the case for other families and regions and countries. I have family from one of these regions and none of them are living under the same roof with in laws or extended family, only their immediate nuclear family. People normally live all under one roof due to poverty.

They support each other by living nearby each other and/or frequent visiting plus friendly neighbours, church contacts, and friends. People are much less insular than the UK. I can see how from their example how having a collective Christian faith also helps culturally because you automatically view all humans as precious, all connected with one another and of the same family and that the norm should be loving your "neighbour" i.e. those within and outside your family unit. Of course we're talking of the people who live this out, there are of course those who are only Christian in name only. I can see how the view that we're all evolutionary bits of chance doesn't naturally lend itself that we should all be a village supporting each other.

And a sexist slur to boot.

Not sure it's helping the OP's case

Xxxx

@WhatsMyUsername89 don't worry, there are a lot of man haters here who will try to twist and manipulate what you say, so with any toxic person you need to ignore them. Yes there are bad men out there but the fact is that a lot of women make their own foolish choices and choose to waste their time with such men and be bitter about it and paint all men as evil. They don't experience there are also lovely, normal, kind men out there (like presumably your husband) and in a normal marriage you both love and care for each other, it's not just one way with the woman dictating everything. It's also too complicated for their simple minds to understand that part of your husband contributing and caring for his children is by working those hours to help provide for the family.

There's also a general hatred on this forum for any type of vaguely traditional gender roles where women choose to do more of the looking after the children and men more of the breadwinner. Despite many of then claiming they're so called "feminists" they absolutely hate the idea that a woman may dare desire to actually want to be the main person caring for her own child she grew inside of her and birthed and is the most precious person and thing in her world .

Just ignore them and let them stew in their own bitterness 😁

OP, I feel you. PIL are 400 miles away; when we're with them they are great but they can never be that stand in. My DPs haven't offered to look after the kids since pre Covid and they are battling their own health and mobility challenges which mean they probably couldn't keep up now. We moved cities a year ago. We are reliant on working flexibly and a couple of really great sitters we've found. I am very envious of people with that family support nearby.

Thank you so much! At least you get it, I have a feeling all the negative people are probably over the age of having young children and forget what the stress is like!

@Lucytheloose @LaMarschallin @EllieQ hope you have a fab day ladies, slagging off women on the internet who just needed to have a bit of support.
I hope you feel great about yourselves. Calling me rude however the other poster has called my husband names and she is fine?
I hope that if you have children you don’t tear them down like you do strangers on the internet.

It is not just help for children

It is help related to pets, elderly & for situations like doctors, dentist, hospital, emergencies etc

You ask friends, neighbours, family

Where I live there is a community group of volunteers who will assist

Or you pay

What would DH do if he was a single parent? Is it possible for him to work towards a new job/career with more flexibility?

It's hard OP. There are things you can try and set up to compensate, and when you live far from family you sometimes have to do this, but it is expensive and stressful. And the fact is that paid help for certain types of situations is often not really available unless you are rich.

I don't think we've really adapted to the fractured society we now have with families often living apart. There is a real cost for families and society.

Having family close enough to help, and healthy enough, but just unwilling is maddening. I cannot imagine letting any family member suffer with needing a tooth extraction like that. I am pretty sure my most down and out uncles would step up in that kind of scenario - my parents and step-parents and sisters certainly would. I hope your parents are realistic about the help they will need as they age. People sometimes think they will be able to pay for everything they need in old age, but that is very naive.

It is tough. I work full time, my husband is a sole trader ramping up to full time, both sets of parents live abroad.
We have 1 toddler.

We have friends and neighbours who help out in times of emergency, but not on a regular basis. It's exhausting tbh.