What happens when u don’t have a “village” to raise children

[WhatsMyUsername89]

I appreciate I’m going to sound like a moany old witch, but I just need an area to vent.

we have DD - 2yo, both sets of grandparents live 8-10 min drive away.

I work 3 days a week, however have compressed 4 days worth of work into these hours. So work 11hr days 8:30-7:30.

the other 2 days in the week I have DD!

Last week DD had Hand Foot & Mouth so I had to take days off work, I agreed this with DH because I earn considerably less the financial hit of me taking time off is less than if he did.

I’ve been booked into having a very painful wisdom tooth removed today (last minute appointment) but I have to work. I had so much time off last week I feel cheeky saying I need MORE time off for this.
But I can’t change it to the days I don’t work???? Because I can’t take my 2 year old.

we have no help from family at all, despite both sets of grandparents (neither work) always saying “we will help out always” but funnily when we ask they always have a reason why they can’t.

DH works long hours & is the main earner, we have found with the way things are going in terms of cost of living we can’t afford him taking time off.

so I just feel so stuck, I hear of friends saying “oh my mum/dad/sibling had my child so I can get nails done” and I feel so envious, I can’t even get any support for getting to a doctors/dentist appointment. (I’m very happy for my friends that they are surrounded by helpful - but I feel jealous)

How on earth do you get anything done when you have NO help.

also even if I had this bloody tooth out I’m going to be in pain for days while looking after a toddler and trying to work.

i feel so fed up, but also feel like such a little cow moaning about something that is SUCH a blessing. I’m blessed to have a job, have a beautiful Daughter, a loving husband & access to healthcare.

About I’m frustrated :(

I don't think it's about being owed childcare. It's about making an effort to support those close to you. So, yes, in the early years that can often mean childcare, because its often the biggest challenge for parents of young children. I think it says a lot when able grandparents never do childcare - that they can't be arsed, which of course is their right.

You join the campaign for free universal childcare for all.

Mothers don't just need childcare for work!

We are year 2024 op. Your child is not YOUR responsibility. The village starts at home. If you won't allow your DH to take time off to support a medical emergency then what do you expect?

Your options are simple:

1. babysitter
2. DH takes time off
3. ask the grandparents
4. take your daughter with you (this has happened plenty of times in these settings, take a ipad or phone with tv on for little one and the nurse keeps an eye, they are in the same room)

Number 4 least ideal but you don't seem to want your DH to take time off?!

@Love51 it's really that. People who never struggled just don't realize what they had. It's very difficult.

As for "just making" a village, having children can be quite isolating. All of the free time you previously had to network with your social circle is now gone. Not to mention we didn't think that MIL would demand that we sacrifice DCs safety in order to pretend that she's not declining. We don't want childcare, we want a loving GM for our children. She's forced us to allow her pretend to look after DC or have no relationship at all.

My parents are dead, as is FIL, MIL lives hours away and SIL is abroad. It’s the ‘normal’ for us though and I only really think about it when other parents talk about their own family support. I have been thinking about it more recently now I’m pregnant with my second, hoping that I’m not away from my son for too long as well as hoping my husband can be there for the birth, but it is what it is.

I’m slowly but surely making friends in the area and hope to one day be in a position to offer favour swaps.

When DS was small we had no help. You do it between you and your DH. Friends all worked and my son’s grandparents were either too poorly (and we were looking after them) or had already died. I had no siblings.

In the situation you describe, either your husband takes the day off or part of the day or you book an extra day/half day at nursery. Ideally you would arrange it for when you are at home with DS the following day and you can have a duvet day watching movies if you are still in pain. That said I had quite a lot of pain the day after having my wisdom tooth out and called at the dentist on the way onto work to get it checked. I must have been ok to be at work though its a while ago and I can’t really remember.

In terms of the village you have to create that. I started out with NCT although didn’t have anyone from there to ask to have DS. I did make one good friend latterly who would have helped in an emergency. It was different once he started school. I built myself a lovely group of friends who became my support network (and me theres). We still meet up regularly even though the boys are in 6th form and no longer friends!

I haven't read all the replies but OP just to say I'm in a similar position. My mum loves to talk about her grandchildren, and buys them stuff (sticker books and the like) sometimes, but has never, in 6 years, spent any time with them without me, and that's only when we go to her. Dh and I have no help. It's hard and it makes me sad. Despite what people on here seem to think, it does also seem unusual in the real world. We don't know any other families with less family support than us. My own parents included, of course -their parents looked after me and my siblings until we started school, and for long weekends etc after that. It is what it is, but it's ok to feel hurt and to find it hard. I do! And I won't be helping my mum in her old age. I'll buy her some sticker books and tell my hairdresser I love spending time with her.

Oh, and to preempt the usual questions, my dad is dead, as are my in laws. My mum is early 60s, in good health, retired, and very rich, and has no caring / volunteering commitments. I recognise that she doesn't 'have to help', but relationships typically work on the basis of mutual support, reciprocity, and as such she'll have no relationship with me or my children once I reach the limit of what I can give to the relationship.

Oh, and to preempt the usual questions, my dad is dead, as are my in laws. My mum is early 60s, in good health, retired, and very rich, and has no caring / volunteering commitments. I recognise that she doesn't 'have to help', but relationships typically work on the basis of mutual support, reciprocity, and as such she'll have no relationship with me or my children once I reach the limit of what I can give to the relationship.

Well, you know that old MN trope "When someone tells you who they are, believe it"?
Maybe she doesn't care about the relationship. Perhaps she's done as much as wants. If she's very rich and in good health with no commitments, she'll probably be fine without you.
You don't seem to feel you're getting much from the relationship, so why not just stop?
Maybe your mother feels she's a woman living by herself who wants to be valued for the fact she's proud of her DGC, talks about them and gets them presents, rather than valued as free childcare.

My son has high needs autism and we have no family help. I work a very reduced number of hours and if I want to do something like get nails done my husband has our son. It means less family time. I have to be ready to have him at the drop of a hat, could never do a normal job.

I think OP is getting unfairly bashed. Yes, grandparents should not be expected to provide regular childcare, but I would move heaven and earth to help any of my DC in an emergency like this.

How do you build this village of friends though? I have no friends locally, don't know any of the local mums and DS doesn't go to the local school and the local authority provide a taxi there and back so there's no chatting at the school gate.

Mostly DS doesn't go to school anyway (EBSA, he's autistic).

Yip it's tough

DD is 3.5 and grandparents live a minimum of 2 hours drive away. We take unpaid or annual leave between us for sickness, and I work my arse off the rest of the time so I don’t give work any other reason to place me in the firing line.

I'm friends with a number of nursery families but not one of them has a SAHP in the mix (or works any less than 4 days a week) so wouldn’t be terribly useful for emergency childcare during working hours.

Ok so I got interested in this and went down a bit of a rabbit hole.

There is research on this, there's a paper from 2011 which says that 26% of families with kids 14 and under used grandparent care in the previous week, but I suspect that families with early teens don't use grandparents much.

It also says that for children under 2, 44% are regularly cared for by a grandparent and 28% sometimes leaving 28% who are never cared for.

So about a quarter of under 2's were never cared for by grandparents in 2011. I don't know how that will have changed in the intervening years.

I've always understood the "takes a village" saying differently- that raising a child takes a functioning and supportive society. Nothing to do with free childcare.

FWIW I think not having people on hand to help is pretty common these days and perhaps that is why OP is getting a rough ride. It is hard and it's a question of muddling through. I think something like emergency dentistry should really be a good enough reason for your partner to take time off. Having nails done, obviously not.

I've always understood the "takes a village" saying differently- that raising a child takes a functioning and supportive society. Nothing to do with free childcare.

Same. The 'village' is someone spotting a kid out cycling the wrong way down the road and letting their parents know, or someone posting in the village FB that their child has lost their coat and lots of people saying they'll have a look, or neighbours rallying around at short notice to help with lifts.
It's not a long term childcare arrangement with grandparents.

If you can't afford your husband to have a day out then you presumably can't afford to be seriously ill from your tooth going nuclear.

Get the tooth sorted, worry about the lost hours later

@WhatsMyUsername89 I agree we should have a village raising children (and most of the world actually does; in much of the continents of Africa and Asia plus other countries e.g. in Central and Eastern Europe and Latin America this is the norm).

The problem is in much of the West. People here have all bought into an overly individualistic society where people are self centred, keep themselves to themselves and proritise careers and status above family, plus there are so many broken families so the support of the family unit is all fractured.

There's also the whole narrative in the West of how burdensome children are which is utterly ridiculous and ironic considering this is one of the richest parts of the world so if people can make it work, they can.

It's an opportunity OP to also self reflect and see that you're probably also part of the problem, e.g. before you had kids had you ever thought of and acted on being a 'village' for other people or were you yourself consumed with your own career, desires, boyfriend etc?

I am from one of those regions. They also live with their in laws, brothers in laws, sisters in laws, sometimes entire families under one roof. That's what a collective society means. But do Briitsh people really want to live like that?

I find it quite odd when the collective society is romanticised for its childcare when what it often means is you will be changing your MIL's diapers, as my mum had to do.

You know what's actually ironic? I have much younger siblings so actually (along with my older siblings) provided my own parents with plenty of free childcare. Was cooking dinner for the whole (large) family most of the week from my early teens too.

@LaMarschallin not sure why you're so heated about my mum and I. Yes, you're right, she doesn't value the relationship. You're wrong, however, about her being proud of her grandchildren. She barely knows them. You're also wrong about me valuing her for free childcare. It hurts me a lot that my children won't have the relationship I had with my grandmother, and that my mum hasn't been there for me during some extreme difficulties including my life threatening illness. I'm perfectly happy paying for my childcare. You're also wrong about her being fine without me, since she like most people has needs beyond money. She's very openly angry if I don't ring or visit often enough. She has social and relational needs which she expects me to meet. I have the same needs, but she won't or can't meet them for me.

I replied to the OP with what was intended as an empathetic response. Maybe, rather than describe me and my mum to me, when you know neither of us, you could try to do the same.

All sounds very familiar, couldn't agree with you more 👏

It's hard - I think what's hard about your situation is that you seem to have written off your DH being able to do any more than he is. Which makes it more of a challenge. Whilst I appreciate it's difficult, the main and obvious solution is that your DH takes on more of the load. Taking annual leave for yourself/your mental health isn't a luxury many parents have tbh.

I don't have any grandparent help - in fact I am the help! I care for my terminally ill dad once a week and work 4 days a week. I do get school holidays off as I'm a teacher so that helps but it is an inflexible job the rest of the time. We just split things regardless and offer proactive solutions to employers eg working time back, or booking apps at the beginning or end of the day.

As others have done, I befriended lots of other parents to be able to call upon for favours and return the favour. I host a lot of playdates in the school holidays!

The problem is in much of the West. People here have all bought into an overly individualistic society where people are self centred, keep themselves to themselves

Very many people on MN don't answer their door unless they are expecting someone. The 'village' isn't going to work with that sort of attitude.

This.

I haven’t read the full thread but i find it baffling people post this stuff berating grandparents and society for not helping but make excuses for the husband to have no active input at all!
Most companies offer sick pay/parental leave, why can’t he access those for emergencies?