AIBU to decline this wedding invite?

[kcchiefette]

Just as FYI I dont think this wedding is well planned in the slightest.

My boyfriend's friend is getting married elsewhere in UK in September and invited him and myself to the wedding. Apparently they aren't doing official invites, they're just emailing?! Anyhow..

Boyfriend and I decide to book flights and venue after he said his friend confirmed we were going. Flights paid outright. Venue not paid as its on arrival. Flights were about £100 for myself. Also booked make up appointment locally where I paid £10 deposit to secure the date/time as it was close by the hotel.

Anyway, a day after doing all this, my boyfriend screenshots a message sent from his friend saying that there isnt room for me any longer but I can go to the evening reception.

The location of the wedding is quite rural and not much about, so there isnt much to occupy myself with during the day. It also seems rather embarrassing to have my boyfriend at the actual wedding then arriving separately for the evening (which will be even more money in taxis etc, say an additional £30 from hotel). I also wouldnt need a make up appointment if just going to a party and certainly wouldnt need make up done at 10am.

Apparently, they said if someone "drops out" I can have their space.

I have a 6 year old I co parent and a dog that needs to be kennelled etc so I would need to know in advance to make arrangements. I would also need to book 1x day off work.

AIBU to say that I no longer wish to go, sacrifice the £110 I have already spent as spending my whole weekend away from my child and additional expenses of hotel, kennel, transport alone etc plus booking into my annual leave is just not worth it for an evening party?

I also cant wait in the hope that theres a "drop out" as I have to plan well in advance with child and dog to ensure I can do these things.

Ive told boyfriend that he can go on his own to the wedding if I havent been told I have a space by early June.

Have you been to a Scottish wedding? There should be dancing, (probably ceilidh dancing), lorne sausage rolls... However, it's up to the OP if she thinks it's worth going

😮

I would assume it would be a great party! We are in Ireland so we have similar traditions etc and have a reputation of loving to drink!

Ive had a nosy at the venue website and it DOES stipulate that ceremony/main event is max 30 people but additional 20 can go to reception.

I think the groom has got the wrong end of the stick with how much allowances they actually had and has went ahead inviting all his friends and partners etc then his bride has corrected him. Or maybe theyve both just interpreted incorrectly. I wouldnt want to judge now 😂🫣

@kcchiefette - YANBU and to do whatever you want. For myself - and I'm not,you - I'd go as flight already paid and hotel cost, assuming boyfriend goes, will be paid anyway.

I'd luxuriate in child and pet free time and go to evening do. Or go sight seeing in Edinburgh, as others have suggested.

Given how disorganised the bridge and groom are, sounds like a place will come for you. I have no shame and would still go to the ceremony to be with boyfriend

I’d skip the wedding altogether - both of you - and “do” Edinburgh instead. If Edinburgh is on your bucket list, you may as well use the flights.

Try not to take it too personally. It is good to have a rant and let off steam on here. They are very disorganised which is probably why they are emailing invites rather than posting them, so organising a wedding may be well out of their comfort zone. They messed up. It happens. You are probably not the only “victim” of the cock up. I would do what pp suggests about having a pamper etc. the actual ceremony is pretty boring - unless you have an emotional tie to the couple. Whatever you decide I hope you have a good time.

@kcchiefette with those limited numbers I wonder how many people are on the reserve list and what your chances are of getting a day invite?

If I was going to the wedding of someone I didn’t know, effectively just to keep my boyfriend company, I wouldn’t expect to pay for flights and accommodation, I’d expect my boyfriend to pay. As you’ve said, OP, it’s no skin off your nose if you don’t.

Also I have to say that if my husband had announced he was not only inviting his never-met-in-person gaming buddy to our wedding, but given him a plus one, words would have been had. So I don’t really blame the bride for being pissed off. There are probably real life friends that could have your places!

All in all, this wedding sounds like a poor investment of your time and money.

Oh I agree completely!

He does see him IRL once a year but its not as if they see each other all the time. Thats why I was shocked to hear in the first place that I was invited, and made sure for him to double check as it honestly would not have fazed me if I wasn't 😊

I definitely wouldn't be letting online friends attend a wedding unless there was capacity after completing guest lists of family and close friends and their DPs.

He doesnt have many close friends IRL. I have a close knit group of friends with their DPs who we socialise with at events, parties, dinner etc so I think he was looking forward to it being the other way round this time, so I feel bad for him in that respect.

I would say there is no chance but they didnt want to word it like that.

But, I am one of these people that would just rather be told straight what the truth actually is. The funny thing is, I would have MORE respect for them if it was a case of:
"we are really sorry but we have overestimated our guest list due to venue capacity and we need to reduce it down to family and close friends only. Your girlfriend is more than welcome to come to our evening reception if she still wishes to make the journey but we understand if this is not feasible any more."

Not leaving it open with "let me see what I can do" sentiments 😂

I feel bad as it is stressful planning a wedding (I have seen from close friends etc) but I feel the communication should be more direct and compassionate as to the mistake they have made, with no expectations of keeping guests "hanging".

Drop out now before you incur any more costs towards this shambles and even if they have a space nearer the time, don't bother.

I personally wouldn't go, sounds like a waste of a trip for you! Maybe your partner knows other people going to the wedding he can sit with/spend time with? If he's adamant that he won't go without you that's his friends fault for inviting you both in the first place and then backtracking.

Yep, its just as well the revelation came now and not closer to the date when outfit etc had been bought!

Even if I wanted to go, I dont have much faith that if I do get a space, that that space will be certain right up until the day. It would leave me in a real tizzy if it got to a week before!

@kcchiefette Is it at Dalmahoy by any chance?

Nope - bit further out, closer to Glendevon.

Ah! Depending on how you would plan on getting to Edinburgh ( and time of day) then, you could be a lot more than 45 minutes in getting there. And parking in Edinburgh is a nightmare and also very expensive. If you DO decide to do this, suggest you drive some of the way and get a train into Edinburgh City Centre?

The original plan at the start was early flight on Friday, spend the day in Edinburgh before making our way up to Kinross via bus where we booked our hotel (as only 15 mins away from venue).

Saturday we were just going to taxi up and down to venue together to the wedding.

So, we were originally going to spend a full day in Edinburgh anyhow. So I dont know if I did go, how worthwhile it would be to go all the way out the next day on my own?

Apparently now as well, its "literally only the ceremony" as its a tiny room but there will be room afterwards. So are they expecting me to leave separately half an hour later in another taxi or for me to linger around outside while everyone else is inside? 😂

Also the goalposts change so much here, its literally so confusing. I dont know how anyone can know so little about their wedding. Its like some sort of scam 😂

That could be worthwhile then. There's often drinks and canapes after the ceremony/before the meal/while photos are taken so you would get first dibs on them. Also there could be a sizable group who won't fit into the ceremony room (maybe your boyfriend would give up his ceremony seat to someone else's partner?)

So, we were originally going to spend a full day in Edinburgh anyhow. So I don't know if I did go, how worthwhile it would be to go all the way out the next day on my own?

@kcchiefette Depends on what you want to do in Edinburgh really - and what the weather is like on the day(s) in question. Princes Street Gardens is lovely on a nice day. There are art galleries on or close to Princes Street, the Castle is a climb up to, from the Royal Mile - but worth a visit, though not cheap. The museum is also worth a visit. There are several museums - you could google them to see where they are. The National Museum of Scotland is the biggest one

To be honest, I personally wouldn't go to the ceremony ( and presumably the meal?) I'm a little confused about what you said about 'the ceremony only' are those in attendance at the ceremony not getting a meal afterwards?

I've heard of some venues where the ceremony room is very small and majority of guests watch it from a video link in a separate room. Maybe that's what is happening here. Bizarre he doesn't seem to know more about his own wedding arrangements.

Sorry, I know its so confusing!

When boyfriend was originally told, we were advised it was evening only, so after meal etc.

Now groom has spoken to bride and its apparently the ceremony only. They are having it in a different room where its a lower capacity and afterwards the capacity will increase for the reception afterwards.

Again, I am taking this at face value because its changed that much so I cant believe a word of what is said.

Thanks for your suggestions re. Edinburgh 😊🙌🏻

Thats what I find odd - why you wouldnt know at least the basics of how much capacity you have for each part of the day etc.

Never heard anything like it before.

Stay home 😂

I would decline.

Why don’t you both go to Edinburgh and not bother with the wedding, you’ve already got the flights booked so I’d go and neither of you go to the wedding