AIBU to decline this wedding invite?

[kcchiefette]

Just as FYI I dont think this wedding is well planned in the slightest.

My boyfriend's friend is getting married elsewhere in UK in September and invited him and myself to the wedding. Apparently they aren't doing official invites, they're just emailing?! Anyhow..

Boyfriend and I decide to book flights and venue after he said his friend confirmed we were going. Flights paid outright. Venue not paid as its on arrival. Flights were about £100 for myself. Also booked make up appointment locally where I paid £10 deposit to secure the date/time as it was close by the hotel.

Anyway, a day after doing all this, my boyfriend screenshots a message sent from his friend saying that there isnt room for me any longer but I can go to the evening reception.

The location of the wedding is quite rural and not much about, so there isnt much to occupy myself with during the day. It also seems rather embarrassing to have my boyfriend at the actual wedding then arriving separately for the evening (which will be even more money in taxis etc, say an additional £30 from hotel). I also wouldnt need a make up appointment if just going to a party and certainly wouldnt need make up done at 10am.

Apparently, they said if someone "drops out" I can have their space.

I have a 6 year old I co parent and a dog that needs to be kennelled etc so I would need to know in advance to make arrangements. I would also need to book 1x day off work.

AIBU to say that I no longer wish to go, sacrifice the £110 I have already spent as spending my whole weekend away from my child and additional expenses of hotel, kennel, transport alone etc plus booking into my annual leave is just not worth it for an evening party?

I also cant wait in the hope that theres a "drop out" as I have to plan well in advance with child and dog to ensure I can do these things.

Ive told boyfriend that he can go on his own to the wedding if I havent been told I have a space by early June.

Really poor from the B&G. I think inviting one half of a couple evening only when the other has a day invitation is rude, withdrawing an invitation already given is even ruder. Suspect if this happened to us DH would decline as well because he'd be pissed off.

When is the wedding?
Typically invites don't go out until about 2 months before the wedding and save the dates are sent as soon as a venue and date are confirmed.

Also, final numbers are usually required around 1 month- 2 weeks before the event, not 3 days. This is because the venues will be ordering food and drinks, preparing staffing, plus the couple will need to pay the final balance.

I agree it sounds like either they are inexperienced or your boyfriend has got the wrong end of the stick.
If this is the first wedding in this friendship group, of course they'll be inexperienced but I'd hope the venue would have a wedding coordinator who can help them.

It's not very kind the way you're coming across though. You seem very judgemental of them despite not knowing them and getting all info second hand. I wouldn't be telling people how your wedding will be so much better because of X, Y and Z. It's just making you sound a bit like a mean girl.

Indeed, money is obviously very tight.

I dont think your need to be an exemplary human being to do a better job of planning this 😂

Of course I'll judge. Me and my boyfriend are out of pocket due to their errors. I would be mortified if I did that to any of my guests.

It's incredibly rude to univite anyone to a wedding, and in such an offhand way too.
Good for you in declining to be on the wait list. (And there's no guarantee they wouldn't uninvite you all over again. They've got form. )
It sounds like it's going to be a complete shitshow and you're well out of it.

Actual message sent from groom on the uninvite:

"We're tight on wedding capacity as there are some family members that can't confirm yet (its doing my head in). Short of it is that if they can attend it means that (my name) will only have a seat at the evening reception afterwards. I'd wish for an alternative, but there is genuinely no room to have her there at the main event. As soon as I know for sure, I'll fire you a line."

I think the above it contradictory in itself. Waiting for confirmation but genuinely no room at the same time. Yep its been a massive miscommunication from B&G and I wont be entertaining it to be honest because we all know after an obligatory "wait time" it'll be the same answer! 😂

So you have clarified that it definitely hasn't been your boyfriends misunderstanding?

I just think you're not coming across well here. I understand that you're out of pocket due to a miscommunication somewhere which is rubbish, but see if you can recoup the money rather than slagging off your boyfriends friends and their wedding.

You seem very judgemental of them

She has already lost money because of their shockingly rude behaviour?

Should she just sit there waiting, feeling grateful that she might eventually get to go to their budget wedding? Not that they want her there, but because someone else dropped out.

If you let people treat you like that you really have a problem @CatamaranViper

No, not a misunderstanding. He was told a number of times it was for us both.

The only comment I made is that due to the planning so far, I'd dread to think what a mess the actual wedding could be. I dont think thats necessarily slagging them off to the point that I'm rude. Because its true, isnt it? 😂

Leaving your child

Dog in a kennel

A day of A/L

For a couple that invited you to all day wedding, then had to disinvite someone so chose you, then have the audacity to say you can come if someone else drops out.

Hell no!

Yep, around £75 for kennel stay for the weekend also!

I'd decline for both of you. You are your boyfriend's partner, therefore, they have been excruciatingly rude to you as a couple.

We had similar years ago. Told to save the date and when the invitations came out we were just invited to the after party because budget was limited and they only had money for those closest to them at the reception but they would love to see us at the church at 12 and then the party that evening.

They had no hesitation in sending the wedding list and told us if people dropped out we were high priority to fit in.

Decline. I was invited to the evening do of DH’s friend’s wedding in France. They expected us to shell out for bank holiday weekend flights, accommodation etc but didn’t want me there enough to pay for my space at the wedding breakfast.

I hope you bf has at least told them that the invite for you was never expected as it is understandable numbers at weddings are tight, but when received it was warmly welcomed and they have been extremely rude to invite, giving the go ahead for you to spend money on tickets/book appointments/sitters etc, to then withdraw without so much as a whiff of an apology. To minimise your loses you have now cancelled but have still lost deposits, they should take you off their waiting list as you can no longer attend, and you wish them well with the remainder of their planning.

I have too much self respect to attend after that palaver without an apology. Fair enough weddings are difficult to attend but if you screw up you apologise.

I would not be wasting another penny, and certainly not any of my annual leave on this couple’s plans.
Chalk up the £110 to a life lesson learned, and forget all about their wedding. They’ve cooked their goose!

would you even be first in line if these others drop out?

Where do you rank against CANADIAN partner?

I'd make it easy for them and just say you won't be attending now. Partner can share hotel with a mate. Does he know others going (the online crowd) and are THEIR partners been dropped? or just his.

If your partner is wanting to experience Edinburgh too, why don't you ask him to politely decline the day time invite for himself and you both enjoy the day out together then attend the evening part together?

His other friends dont have partners as far as I am aware.

If I could be arsed, it would have been a great idea to go and just have a day with the Canadian guys DP - sightseeing and drinks/food with another tourist and just forget the wedding 😂 but my time is precious, I work 40 hours a week and have a SEN DS so any spare time I do have, I tend to make the most of it with people or experiences I value.

I doubt I would be first on the list - rightly so, I would rather it be for the poor Canadian turfed out 😂

After holidays, some school closures etc are taken off my holiday balance, I only have 5 days left and I'd rather not spend any more on the likes of this.

I have offered this as a suggestion to we will wait and see what he decides, as if we are doing that it may be worthwhile missing the wedding completely as we would want to stay more central to the city than up near rural village an hour away.

My first thought is Fuck Em, I wouldn’t go. Second thought is, it’s in Edinburgh, it’s an ace place! Both go to the evening thing but spend the day in town together first. Depends on your money situation really - it’s clearly not like the B&G give a shit if you are there or not. And be grateful you are not the Canadian blokes partner, lol.

Right let's not try and make this personal shall we?

I never said that she should wait for an invite or be grateful for scraps. In fact I've literally said she should try and recoup the money. Just not be so judgemental of their wedding (ie doing it on a budge, not doing paper invites, saying their marriage is doomed etc)

Fair enough.

Just looked up the venue - up to 50 people for a wedding.

What are they thinking inviting along friends and partners etc? 😂 that would barely accomodate most peoples families (unless they have really small close knit families). Seems bizarre.

How would travel insurance help - genuine question?

Yes, you can! (unless Wizz Air)