Tables have turned and son refusing to help/get involved

[dietirnbruqueen]

when my son was in p6 he was falsely accused of bullying another child in the class. The boy made up claims of things my son had said and done and it went on for a period of time.

it was a difficult time for my son and very stressful to constantly have to maintain his innocence. The boy in question had emotional problems and was very sensitive to everything. His mother, instead of teaching him resilience, pandered to everything he said and did.

anyway, it transpired that the boy was jealous of my son and it came out that he’d made up all the claims. There wasn’t much if any punishment for the boy (in school) because of aforementioned emotional issues/very sensitive.

my son steered well clear of him for the rest of primary school and didn’t interact with with him as he didn’t trust him.

anyway, he’s now in secondary school and this boy is being bullied by a group of boys in the year. I don’t know the ins and outs of it but the mother has messaged me to say that my son is in a couple of classes and may have witnessed the bullying and can he vouch that it’s happening. my son is categorically not involved in bullying this boy btw and there’s no question of that.

my son has completely refused to be drawn on the subject. He’s said privately to me that this boy made his life hell and he has no interest in getting involved in anything to do with him. My son is quite quiet but gets on well with most folk but he is digging his heels in here and just says “Couldn’t tell you.” When he’s asked.

I hate the thought of anyone being bullied but I can also see my son’s point that he doesn’t want any involvement with this boy.

wwyd?

This is for the school to sort out.

Generally I would always say stand up for the children that are being bullied and speak out but in this instance I think your son is right. He doesn't want involved and for very good reasons. I wouldn't want my child involved with those false allegations either. Is the child even being bullied or is it another situation like your son's?

Ah! It's one of those schools is it? One of those where 'we don't have any bullying because we don't allow it' gets trotted out.

You don't address bullying by punishment of those not involved. You just create a climate of fear.

I didn't say the child needed to do a performance to the whole school. Perfectly possible for a teacher to speak to children individually and get the whole story. Perfectly possible for a child to speak to a teacher in confidence and report what is going on.

My experience of secondary school is that sadly it often is better to keep your head down and avoid attention. They aren't always the best places to learn good morals as you have to just survive them.

If people are going to talk about stamping out bullying, they really need to address the possibility that this is an attempt by the known bully in this situation to once again target his known victim.

It is no wonder bullying is such a problem in schools when children are being encouraged to lie and cover up what is happening to another child.

Well if he hasn't seen anything he can say that. I read the OP that he knows what is going on and doesn't want to help. Two very different things.

If I felt inclined to reply, I’d say something like “I think it’s important that we let the school manage the situation.” And leave it at that.

Which interestingly, the OP doesn't actually say. But even assuming this child is indeed being bullied and DS has indeed seen it, that certainly doesn't preclude the possibility that he's trying to use the situation to again target DS in some way.

I’d be giving your son a big pat on the back and pointing out to him that what goes around comes around. Your DC has done nothing wrong and absolutely shouldn’t be getting involved in anything to do with a child that made his life hell. You’ve raised a child that has good boundaries, well done

No, sorry. The main reason for the community breakdown in this tale is the original bully and his mother who enact and enable false accusations. Once trust is broken, it is incredibly hard to rebuild it. Without trust there is no society.

The OP's son had been seriously burnt by the other boy and it seems there were no consequences or lessons learnt. Absolute, self-protective avoidance is a natural and rational consequence of harmful lies (whatever the motive), particularly those that have gone largely unaddressed.

Does that mean that the original bully should be left to be bullied now? Absolutely not - he is still a child and the adults around him should be capable of dealing with that (hopefully more competently than they dealt with the bullying-by-false-accusation of the OPs son). However, it is entirely inappropriate to try to put any ounce of that burden of responsibly on the OP's child who sounds like he is still very wary and possibly traumatised by his own experience.

It is just as important to teach children self-protection and healthy boundaries as it is compassion and putting oneself out for others. In this circumstance, the lesson should be focused on the former. He should NOT be taught, as so many of us inadvertently were, to 'set himself on fire to keep someone else warm'.

There are some holier than thou responses on here.

I bet if it was happening to your own child, you wouldn't be pressuring them to put themselves in harms way. Especially to help someone who made their life hell.

It's not about karma, or revenge. It's about setting healthy boundaries and protecting yourself following a traumatic experience.

You've done the right thing OP.

Your son has a right to say he doesn’t want to get involved, you should support him. Tell the mother to take the matter up with the school, nothing to do with your family. One of my boys was fobbed off when he was assaulted by a teacher, the school behaved appallingly in their attempt to cover things up. Funny enough when the same teacher broke a kid’s nose in front of witnesses all of a sudden everyone including police wanted to interview my son about his experience. He said no way, he basically didn’t want to think any more about what had happened which I could totally understand.

"Higher ground" my backside!

This is nothing to do with OP's son. The boy being bullied is getting his just desserts (perhaps he tried his unpleasant tricks on another boy and it rebounded on him) but OP's son isn't involved in the situation. He is wise to keep it like that.

Taking the "higher ground" is often a euphemism for "be walked over".

If OP's son does invite himself, what is to say that he won't be the bullies' next target?

There are other witnesses. Let them speak out.

This boy and his mother needs to deal with this through the school, not get your son involved.
He sounds like a very mature and sensible boy. Good for you OP.

Well done for supporting your son's decision.

It's a hell of an ethical quandry though isn't it. On one hand your DS has already taken the high road by not participating in the pack (if this kid is actually being bullied at all).

On the other hand we all like to think that our values are independent of the individuals involved.... Not really sure how true that it but it's a lovely idea.

Personally, apart from the most important point of supporting our kids in making these choices, I'd feel pretty uncomfortable getting involved in a call for hearsay from another parent.

Snorting at the stepping up bringing “peace and tranquility” have you ever been in an average comp?!

Dd reported another pupil to pastoral for self harming as she was worried about her and felt it was the right thing to do. Not much peace and tranquillity was gained from this as the girl was very troubled and made accusations against Dd and he friend. Dd swore never to help again!

There is an awful lot of glee here, being directed at an 11 year old boy being bullied at high school and who once had sufficient emotional issues to make shit up at primary.

By all means tell the son that self preservation is fine, if his reason for not getting involved is fearing the bullies. (Personally my kids would still want to tell the truth and I would support them in that.) But glee? "Karma is a bitch"? How unpleasant and vindictive. The boy is a child asking for help.

I certainly wouldn't look encouragingly upon my child choosing to allow another to get bullied as a way of getting back at them for past issues.

Support your son and his wishes.

being directed at an 11 year old boy whose mum again says is being bullied at high school

Just added that bit for you @Barrenfieldoffucks

Let's hope she read The Boy Who Cried Wolf for him, or he has a miserable 4/5 years ahead of him

So anyone who is unfortunate enough to witness a bullying incident and too frightened to say anything about it, is going to be bullied by your teacher "kid" as well if this comes to light?

Even the police don't jail people for being bystanders to a crime. Suppose your "kid" witnessed an assault, and was was warned that if they said anything to police they'd get the same, and so would their family - and that the perpetrator had the power to do this. Would they be so high and mighty in their morals then?

Your teacher "kid" is a bully themselves.

No bullying in the class though

That they are aware of.

Where does it say the boy is 11? The first issues were in P6 which is age 9-10 but it doesn't say they are 11 now.

Anyway I wouldn't let my son get involved. If he's keeping a wide berth from this boy he probably has no idea if he's getting bullied or not, and understandably doesn't care.