Tables have turned and son refusing to help/get involved

[dietirnbruqueen]

when my son was in p6 he was falsely accused of bullying another child in the class. The boy made up claims of things my son had said and done and it went on for a period of time.

it was a difficult time for my son and very stressful to constantly have to maintain his innocence. The boy in question had emotional problems and was very sensitive to everything. His mother, instead of teaching him resilience, pandered to everything he said and did.

anyway, it transpired that the boy was jealous of my son and it came out that he’d made up all the claims. There wasn’t much if any punishment for the boy (in school) because of aforementioned emotional issues/very sensitive.

my son steered well clear of him for the rest of primary school and didn’t interact with with him as he didn’t trust him.

anyway, he’s now in secondary school and this boy is being bullied by a group of boys in the year. I don’t know the ins and outs of it but the mother has messaged me to say that my son is in a couple of classes and may have witnessed the bullying and can he vouch that it’s happening. my son is categorically not involved in bullying this boy btw and there’s no question of that.

my son has completely refused to be drawn on the subject. He’s said privately to me that this boy made his life hell and he has no interest in getting involved in anything to do with him. My son is quite quiet but gets on well with most folk but he is digging his heels in here and just says “Couldn’t tell you.” When he’s asked.

I hate the thought of anyone being bullied but I can also see my son’s point that he doesn’t want any involvement with this boy.

wwyd?

Op has already dealt with the fall out from the boy bullying her own son. She is under no obligation to assist the boys mother at all. That's the job of the school

make sure your ds feels he can fully confide in you, and then report to the school, and ask them to keep confidential the fact that you reported what your ds told you, as I think concerns about your ds being caught in crossfire also sound legitimate

Thats right get your DS to confide in you so you can go behind his back and put him in the cross fire!!!

Most stupid suggestion yet!

The OP isn’t saying Karma. The OP is rightly putting her son and the trauma he has suffered at the hands of this child before anything else. He has so far managed to engage with this child in any way and OP is simply respecting her sons’s wishes to keep it that way.

I didn't say go behind anyone's back. The school will keep it confidential. OP should explain to DC what she was doing and why.

If however it is DC's friends who are bullying and DC feels compromised then that is a different situation and something a responsible parent should be finding out about and dealing with.

"Stupid" is not nice language.

*what she is doing

What do you mean by ‘in a better position now’ ? Psychologically ? Because if this was the case, he wouldn’t be refusing to get involved. He’s been traumatised and is protecting himself. If he defends this child, he’s risking the bullies targeting him in response. And it’s no good posters advocating trusting the adults to protect him - where were they last time ?

@MumblesParty can you show me the post where the Ops sons friends are the ones bullying? It could be anyone in the school! You seem intent on pulling the Ops son into this when he has clearly said he stays away from the boy and what's nothing to do with him

Apologies that what's meant for @washitov

Just no. You’re advocating the OP provide an environment in which her DS trusts her enough to be honest and that she then betray that trust by taking what he’s told her in confidence to the school. And if it comes to light that the information has come via him, he’s going to be targeted by these same bullies. A responsible parent puts their own childs’ welfare first, and that’s what the OP is doing. But I agree, stupid is not the right word. Unconscionable is a better one.

Can just imagine that chat 'hey kid, remember that pupil who wrecked your life for ages and made up shitty stories about you, but then admitted he lied and school said 'meh, he's emotional, it's all good' how do you fancy destroying all that good stuff you got going on, as his mum is wanting to stomp all over you again for his benefit, yay!'

I would stay well out of it OP. My daughter is currently being treated horrendously by her 'friends' - some of whom go back to primary school. This is because I have gotten involved in two incidents - one of which was a serious safeguarding incident which I overheard a video of and reported to the school (I wasn't the only parent in the group to report as some of the children had actively showed their parent's, but my child was the only one picked on about it). The other incident involved the bullying of her cousin who is the same age, and I informed my sister. Now certain members of her friendship group have been ostracising her from others, saying awful things and making things very difficult for her at school. Teenagers can be very unkind and the ones in this particular group really like to have someone to pick on.

Luckily my girl is tough and after a rough patch has moved on, and thankfully on to nicer friends. I'm really proud of how resilient she has been - and how on each occasion she didn't back down from it being the right thing to do. But it really didn't do her any favours, so I would think twice about how I went about things in the future. In the situation you describe I would not be encouraging my child to get involved.

Stooriehouse, why are you so invested in being the staunch defender?

To answer you question, there is little chance that the children will find out that OP's DS told his mother and his mother told the school unless the kids were part of his friendship group in which case it might come out. I wasn't insinuating anything else. I have experience of this sort of situation, it is not unusual.

To explain why I am giving the advice I am giving, OP said "my son has completely refused to be drawn on the subject. He’s said privately to me that this boy made his life hell and he has no interest in getting involved in anything to do with him. My son is quite quiet but gets on well with most folk but he is digging his heels in here and just says “Couldn’t tell you.” When he’s asked"

My responses have been in relation to this, and the following posts. The OP is making it clear that her child will not confide in her. This is worrying in itself (in my opinion). It is also worrying that he is still so affected by something which happened at primary and a bit more talking and exploring about what happened may well be helpful to him.

That is it.

I am out now.

Stupid AND unconsionable. Gosh.

In a better position generally ie has friends, not bullied.

Where did I say OP’s son’s friends were the bullies?
edited - I see your post was meant for someone else

@dietirnbruqueen

Very poor stance you’ve taken.

By not challenging your sons lack of care for someone being bullied you are solidifying a lack of care and consideration.

This isn’t boundaries, it’s an utter lack of care. And this is what you are encouraging in your son.

You’re not just raising a child, you’re raising a man of tomorrow.

Boundaries doesn’t negate safeguarding.

You can protect your boundaries and still report something wrong.

Huge failing here.

Oh don't be so bloody ridiculous.

The boys mother should take it up with the school. OP's son hasn't even witnessed anything so he doesn't have anything to report.

You're suggesting he should put himself in harms way to help someone who made his life hell. A PP said it best, that the boy being bullied should be helped and supported, but the person he hurt cannot be the one to provide that support. That's basic common sense.

Do you think all children should martyr themselves to help their bullies?

@dietirnbruqueen - I hope you have got what you need from this thread.

Please roundly ignore anyone telling you that you have failed here.

Your priority is your son - especially so in these particular circumstances.

You know what is best for your son.

No I won't 'give over'
The amount of grown adults being vicious over a child is vile. The wording of the original post is suspiciously odd.
The boy has emotional issues and the mother panders rather than teaching resilience. Why would she need to teach resilience if he (OPs son) had never said anything? Very strange.

The OP's son was 9/10 when this boy with emotional problems bullied him and made his life a living hell! I was bullied from the ages of 11-14. I'm now 45, if I saw my bully was on fire now I wouldn't spit on her to save her! The lasting damage it does is unbelievable! I seriously doubt this boy is actually being bullied now, he's just found a new victim.

Is the ops son the only person he ever has contact with?
The amount of people saying 'ah but forget he was a little shit, that's OK... its OK he wrecked the ds' life, bratty boy needs to he prioritised again'

Huh?

If you've read all of the OP's posts it's pretty clear what she means about resiliance.

I think it's appaling that so many grown adults think it's acceptable to pressure a child (who himself was a bullying victim) in this way.

@washitov

To answer you question, there is little chance that the children will find out that OP's DS told his mother and his mother told the school unless the kids were part of his friendship group in which case it might come out.

Not so.

If the boy did talk about specific incidents, the bullies would fairly quickly put two and two together by remembering who was there. Plus not all teachers' discretion should be trusted.

I do think there's a lot of vindictiveness on this thread towards the boy who was a bully - I suspect it's projection. Which indicates just how deeply the experience of being bullied goes, when grown adults still remember it so strongly.

On the other hand it's crazy that so many holier-than-thou posters on this thread have sympathy for the boy now being bullied, but not for the OP's son who was bullied.

The other thing that’s awful about this situation is that the boy is being bullied by a group of boys not just one. He needs to be helped out of a dangerous situation.