Tables have turned and son refusing to help/get involved

[dietirnbruqueen]

when my son was in p6 he was falsely accused of bullying another child in the class. The boy made up claims of things my son had said and done and it went on for a period of time.

it was a difficult time for my son and very stressful to constantly have to maintain his innocence. The boy in question had emotional problems and was very sensitive to everything. His mother, instead of teaching him resilience, pandered to everything he said and did.

anyway, it transpired that the boy was jealous of my son and it came out that he’d made up all the claims. There wasn’t much if any punishment for the boy (in school) because of aforementioned emotional issues/very sensitive.

my son steered well clear of him for the rest of primary school and didn’t interact with with him as he didn’t trust him.

anyway, he’s now in secondary school and this boy is being bullied by a group of boys in the year. I don’t know the ins and outs of it but the mother has messaged me to say that my son is in a couple of classes and may have witnessed the bullying and can he vouch that it’s happening. my son is categorically not involved in bullying this boy btw and there’s no question of that.

my son has completely refused to be drawn on the subject. He’s said privately to me that this boy made his life hell and he has no interest in getting involved in anything to do with him. My son is quite quiet but gets on well with most folk but he is digging his heels in here and just says “Couldn’t tell you.” When he’s asked.

I hate the thought of anyone being bullied but I can also see my son’s point that he doesn’t want any involvement with this boy.

wwyd?

@washitov the mother of the boy who lied has audacity to txt OP.... I mean if it wasn't true I doubt the mother would be texting 🤷 her.

If I were your DS, I wouldn't get involved. Good for him in staying away from this person who made up all these lies about him previously.

If it is the school asking him, it is a different matter. In that case he would have to say what he has seen without blaming or judging.

As it is the mother contacting you and saying the boy is being bullied, and taking into account your son's past experiences, the waters are rather muddied so you are right to let him step back for now.

The child eventually admitted it.

Are we saying that kids who are vile at age 9-10 are not entitled to any protection in the future, from anything?

Not at all - He has a choice, be kind, make friends, build relationships, rely on the grown ups there to protect him, his mother, school staff, police if necessary. OPs child, nope.

Protection is available - they need to look in the right places.

You do seem to be trying to paint my son in a bad light.how odd.

He’s not done anything wrong and his continued insistence to keep himself to himself is the correct thing for him to do.

”Are we saying that kids who are vile at age 9-10 are not entitled to any protection in the future, from anything?”

No - I am saying that the 9-10 year old’s victim should not be expected to be the first to leap to their defence.

Not read the full thread but technically this other kid bullied your son by making up lies etc and now your son wants nothing to do with him.

I'd say that's fair to be honest.

He doesn’t have to leap to his defence. But if he has witnessed bullying then I think it’s wrong to refuse, when asked, to state that fact. And I think it’s even more wrong of parents to encourage that silence by saying it’s karma.

How far would people take this? I was bullied by a girl at primary school. If I’d seen her being raped in an alley 10 years later, would it be OK for me to walk on past, telling myself it was karma?

If I was OP I would want to know if my son had witnessed the boy being bullied. And what it consisted of, how bad it was etc. I wouldn’t be happy to shrug and say “yeah, karma”.

Difficult indeed. I wish you luck and I hope the school deal with it properly.

It still sounds like you're saying that what happened to ops ds isn't actually a thing to be bothered about as he has friends.. so if a child with friends is being bullied that's OK as they have friends?

I’m not saying that at all. But OP’s son is happy and popular, so is probably in a better position now to be the bigger person. The other kid sounds like a bratty child, who will probably never have friends, and is already being targeted by bullies.

Quick chat with my DS when I picked him up from school.

from what he knows the boy is being bullied - hasn’t seen it directly but he said isn’t interested at all and has no plans to dig for more information as the boy is difficult and still really unpleasant.

so that’s that I think?

and still really unpleasant.

More than a good enough reason for your son to stay clear! If the child is unpleasant then I wouldn’t be surprised if he starts making up stories again in the future. Your son should carry on protecting himself

Yes, if your son hasn’t seen anything then there’s nothing for him to say.

If he knows the boy is being bullied then he must have seen something, but if he won't be drawn on it then yes, that's it.

His position is understandable (and it's certainly not his responsibility to "dig" for anything). The spite and glee among adults regarding a child who was in primary school when he did a bad thing is less so.

Yeah pretty much this. I keep thinking of this meme I saw years ago, tried to find it but no luck. The basic premise is that your morals and standing up for others should be immovable and not dependent on whether individual people are nice to you.

I can understand feeling like they're getting their 'comeuppance', and obviously you can't and don't want to force your son into helping, but I personally feel that it would do your son more good to help this person than to sit back and do nothing. I would definitely encourage my child to do the 'right thing'.

If your DS hasn't seen anything he can't tell anything.

Unless your DS was there and knows the full in's and out's everything is hearsay to him.

You have no idea if this other DC started on someone else, which as I'm sure you know could possibly happen, and its back firing on him by picking on the wrong person.

Leave the school to sort it out, hopefully they'll get to the bottom of it.

Not necessarily, he may have just heard things from others.

"From what he knows" doesn't imply that it's a certainty.

@dietirnbruqueen

Your DS has learnt a very important lesson very early.
And that is to put himself first.
He has already experienced bullying and already knows how hard it is to get a satisfactory resolution to it.
He has also learnt to assess what is going on around himself and whether that will put him in difficult situations.

From personal experience I can say that getting involved will likely turn the bully's bullies on to him and that his bully will likely join in as well as it will prevent him from being bullied. (if anyone followed that then you are doing well).

He is best off staying out of it and not drawing attention to himself from people that will cause him issues.

So you'd manipulate, pressure and morally blackmail your son, who had already been bullied by X, to put himself in the line of fire from other bullies for X, who by the way has a proven track record of lying?

Your poor son would have no chance of growing to value himself. I do sincerely hope he never has to face that situation.

Totally agree with not getting involved OP, once word gets around, and it will, that your son told on the bullies, you don't need a crystal ball to predict what will happen next, which is your son is likely to be the next victim.
This is for the school to deal with, not your son

How are you protecting your son. You have said so yourself the other boy has emotional issues (Which I would not like to speculate but go hand in hand with asd)
You KNOW that this boy is being bullied yet you want people on this thread to agree, so what? You can get some sort of absolution that you're doing the right thing when the very fact you wrote this means that you are having doubts. I fully understand that your son has been in a bad place because of the boy but that would mean that it's even more important to teach your child to do the right thing himself. If he's aware someone's getting bullied and turns a blind eye what if the bullies go too far? How would you both feel?

Oh give over. Her son has no proof he's being bullied! If I went to the school to report everytime my dramatic daughter said so and so was being bullied I'd never be out the school office

The boys mum should be speaking to the school and not canvassing from a boy who her son made his life hell at primary. Shame is not on the Op but the other mum

Bullying in senior school can get very nasty very quickly. I think in your shoes I would digging a bit more to find out what was going on, make sure your ds feels he can fully confide in you, and then report to the school, and ask them to keep confidential the fact that you reported what your ds told you, as I think concerns about your ds being caught in crossfire also sound legitimate.

So my advice isn't that your ds gets involved but that you get involved.

Going back to primary school, the child admitted it to whom? I am not painting anyone in a bad light, as there isn't enough info, and they are all kids, but I do think that there is a lot going on here not being stated/understood.