Tables have turned and son refusing to help/get involved

[dietirnbruqueen]

when my son was in p6 he was falsely accused of bullying another child in the class. The boy made up claims of things my son had said and done and it went on for a period of time.

it was a difficult time for my son and very stressful to constantly have to maintain his innocence. The boy in question had emotional problems and was very sensitive to everything. His mother, instead of teaching him resilience, pandered to everything he said and did.

anyway, it transpired that the boy was jealous of my son and it came out that he’d made up all the claims. There wasn’t much if any punishment for the boy (in school) because of aforementioned emotional issues/very sensitive.

my son steered well clear of him for the rest of primary school and didn’t interact with with him as he didn’t trust him.

anyway, he’s now in secondary school and this boy is being bullied by a group of boys in the year. I don’t know the ins and outs of it but the mother has messaged me to say that my son is in a couple of classes and may have witnessed the bullying and can he vouch that it’s happening. my son is categorically not involved in bullying this boy btw and there’s no question of that.

my son has completely refused to be drawn on the subject. He’s said privately to me that this boy made his life hell and he has no interest in getting involved in anything to do with him. My son is quite quiet but gets on well with most folk but he is digging his heels in here and just says “Couldn’t tell you.” When he’s asked.

I hate the thought of anyone being bullied but I can also see my son’s point that he doesn’t want any involvement with this boy.

wwyd?

Absolutely. Truth is best!

@dietirnbruqueen is there any reason why this Mum has asked you and Minidietirnbru to vouch for her son's allegations? It seems to me that your son should be the last person to get involved, I cannot fathom why she thinks it's a good idea to ask for support from your family?

I was directing it more at the parents on here, whooping with joy at the opportunity for karma to do its work.
I can totally understand why OP’s son wants to distance himself from it. Kids don’t like getting involved in reporting bullying at the best of times, least of all with the victim is someone they’ve already had problems with. But for parents to celebrate the unhappiness of another child, who was an annoying brat age 9-10, is disgusting.
I was always taught that 2 wrongs don’t make a right.

First time anyone mentioned this. I think it's the best idea yet!

I have sympathy for any children being bullied. I thought most parents would. OP’s son clearly had a horrible time, and I feel sorry for what he suffered. But that doesn’t change the fact that the other child is suffering now.

Are we saying that kids who are vile at age 9-10 are not entitled to any protection in the future, from anything?

I think it's astonishing that the other mother even asked, bearing in mind the history between the boys.
The school needs to conduct a proper investigation and I can't believe the whole thing will depend on your son's contribution alone. I would allow him to stay out of it.

You'd have been better making that point without filling in a load of blanks about how OPs son was fine, and generally showing no concern for his welfare. Some of us have found the lack of fucks given for DS by many posters pretty depressing too.

I am assuming that the mother has already spoken to the school, and they have asked for witnesses, hence OP’s son being involved, as a known witness. I doubt the other boy’s Mum would have contacted OP, if it wasn’t certain that OP’s son had seen the bullying. I also imagine that if OP’s son hadn’t witnessed any bullying, he would have simply said “no mum, I haven’t seen anything”. The fact that he’s said he doesn’t want to get involved pretty much confirms he’s seen something.

Difficult one to answer.

I think my son might be the only person in the class who’s known the child since primary school and I’m wondering if the mother thinks that bonds them in some way?

I genuinely think though that the mother didn’t seem her son’s behaviour to ever be that bad or damaging. He’s like a golden child to her.

OP has made a point of saying that her son is quiet but has plenty of friends and is well liked. At primary school there was a group of friends (including OP’s son) and it was this group that the nasty boy got cross with, when they wouldn’t play what he wanted to etc. So all along, OP has made it clear her son doesn’t have friendship issues.
OP’s son obviously had a horrible time, but has settled in secondary and has friends. And he isn’t being bullied.

The school will not have asked the mother to round up witnesses.

Have you asked your son if he’s ever seen this boy being bullied?

No but it would be the first thing most of us would do, if our kids said they were being bullied. “Jo pushed me in the corridor”. “Oh no that’s horrible, what happened, was anyone else there?”

The other boy clearly has a lot of problems, but it is not OP's ds's job to fix them.

If the school are conducting a bullying investigation and they want to hear from OP's ds, a teacher will speak to him. No need for OP to get involved.

As I said, you'd have been better making this point without filling in a load of blanks. OP herself corrected you on some of the assumptions you made, and you continue to show minimal concern for the welfare of a child who you've been clearly told has been previously targeted. You'd be much better placed to make your point if your own posts hadn't been so disappointing.

im assuming that a line is drawn under it now as she’s not responded.

DS is happy, quiet, popular and involved in a lot of extra curricular activities where he’s well liked by his peers and adults. He’s just a nice lad (can be stroppy in the house but what adolescent isn’t) who’s very simple and straightforward so I’m happy to keep it that way and not demand become involved in something that concerns a child who left him so repeatedly upset.

I'm sorry that the boy is being properly bullied now. However because of everything your ds has been through, I would want to stay well away from the boy and his family to avoid potentially being in that situation again.

That makes it even worst - if Op's son is the quiet one of a group and the other boy picked on him to make him the scapegoat of anything that his friends may or may not have done.

Why target OP's son, indeed? Particularly when done in a non-transparent fashion involving messaging his mother privately, rather than working with the school inline with usual practices? Experience has taught me to be extremely leery of this sort of behaviour. I'd likely send one sympathetic but firm response, expressing my regret about the situation they find themselves in but declining to discuss it with my son, insisting instead that the school are the right people to be dealing with it. After that, I don't think it would be advisable to respond to any further messages.

The 'Karma' protestations are childish - aside from anything else this isn't how Karma works - but this is a simple issue of self-preservation. It's entirely possible the other mother isn't unconsciously acting on the nefarious motives of her son's perhaps trying to draw DS back into his orbit; even so, I'd be disinclined to risk it. She certainly isn't handling the situation appropriately, even allowing for the fact that she's upset that her son is in distress. DS has IMO reacted very maturely: he has made no attempt at retaliation but has simply moved on independently and stayed well out of the troublemaker's way. He sounds a sensible kid. This, IMO, earns him the right to maintain his own boundaries, which is just as important a lesson as 'being the bigger person'. In this life, it doesn't do to be a pushover.

Bullying needs dealing with. It's wrong. It needs sensitive handling and this is the responsibility of the professionals. Irrespective of any history, it's not appropriate - ever - to put this burden of responsibility onto the shoulders of a child who is entirely uninvolved in the situation and is merely a bystander. The other mother is behaving unreasonably, and you would not be unreasonable to nip this firmly in the bud.

X-posted, looks as if this is already sorted. Kudos to you, OP!

It's not a disgrace, and no one is cheering him on.

One of my children was bullied so horribly in primary school they had to change schools. My child had many sleepless nights and went from a school-loving child to being afraid to go in. Kids are different now. Many are already pretty mean in primary school, and they frequently get even worse in secondary.

I have very little zero sympathy for this child.

Many people are saying “it’s karma”, and congratulating OP on her son having “boundaries”. I can understand the son’s perspective. He’s a child who is not surprisingly still angry about what this kid did to him. But adults celebrating the karma of a nasty child being bullied years later is quite disturbing.

Karma is burglars having their stuff stolen. Cheaters being cheated on. Violent abusers being thumped. Not kids being bullied.

And OP’s son isn’t being asked to intervene and stop the bullying. He isn’t being asked to befriend the other child and stick up for him. He’s just being asked if he witnessed it, and if so, would he state that fact.

OP herself wasn’t sure what was right or wrong, hence posting on here. It’s not black and white.

Send this type of message.
Then block the mother on your phone and on all social media.

Or you could send her "Why do you think my son would rush to the aid of your son, when your son made my son's life a living nightmare throughout primary school and was found to have lied about my son because he was jealous of him? Please don't contact me again. We want to have nothing to do with you, your son or your family".

The parent admitted to you that they were all made up or you heard this on the grapevine or you heard from school?

Do you agree that it is best that YOU know what your child has seen? I would want to know what my child had seen at school, this is not getting them "involved" it is them talking about things they have seen. You could then take a view on how serious it is and who to talk to if necessary.

you seem determined to try and paint the Op's boy in some bad light and believe that the other boy is innocent and deserves a second thought by the Op and her boy.

The Op doesn't need to know what her son sees at school Her son has clearly stated that he doesn't want involved and the Op is respecting that. The other boys mum should be going to the school not trying to find out information from another mum